He had a calming presence
as others all cried foul
and ran around like pheasants
while he sat like an owl

composed, cool and collected
as others looked to blame
he slowly dots connected
then carefully took aim

but he didn't swoop
and no one was empowered
when all he did was his pants ****
then ran off like a coward

Patience is a virtue, so
I better make this snappy
no big exotic words, oh no
but simple one's and happy

now I will write this quickly, yes
no need to show I'm smart
it's best to write fast and think less
with words straight from the heart

so while the moon shines bright above
and night is oh so starry
don't waste your time waiting for love
but grab it in a hurry

i love my job, i really do
that's what i tell my boss
he doesn't know that none is true
and i don't give a toss

ever since my interview
which was filled with lies
my education's made up too
and the degree's some other guys

that daily meeting i go to
is usually at the pub
while the next one in the queue
is at the striptease club

at other times i'm on the phone
or breaks for cigarettes
an hour on the toilet throne
i'm placing gambling bets

so i guess it must be true
that since i started work
i hate my job, i really do
but love it's every perk

When I first heard about internet
I thought it was something about fishing
which was posing a massive global threat
and less seafood we'll be dishing

Then I heard about this world wide web
I thought it was something about spiders
Some virus invented in some lab
and only known to a few insiders

Now I hear about something called WiFi
and that it's always dropping out
I think it's something to do with a fly
which keeps landing on my smoked trout

Would my existence still be bliss
surviving via photosynthesis

Relying on the sun's bright light
and never take a single bite

Requiring like a thousand leaves
To dinner never roll my sleeves

and never once I'll lick my plate
or blissfully out loud defecate

I think I just answered my own question
It's bliss surviving via digestion

I need to buy myself new legs
and adjust my thighs
Then remove those dark sleep bags
from beneath my eyes

Get myself a brand new nose
one without a hook
so that i can sideways pose
and not look like a crook

Maybe i should change my face
the whole saggy lot
and pick a more exotic race
as long as i look hot

With my surgeon I'll discuss
my new look and design
It won't be long till all of us
becomes a Frankenstein

secrets we all keep
some of us keep many
severely they disturb our sleep
till sleep there isn't any

tossing left to right
won't make them go away
with the pillow we all fight
until the break of day

if you let a secret out
it might set you free
till then i will keep up this bout
the pillow versus me

i like bright orange sunsets
and long walks by the beach
this helps to ease the sudden onsets
of my persistent itch

i like candlelit dinners
and staring at the stars
and you might quickly catch a glimmer
of my post acne scars

i like to sip expensive wine
and a large pina colada
if you do too you'll love to dine
with me and with my mother

so if you like orange sunsets too
jump in my arms and fall
to get to me you must get through
my itch, my warts and all

I have a serious long term plan
but it needs some revamping
because it was written way back when
my interests were girls, bars and camping

So I won't be needing a new tent
or a second hand guitar
and I will not need a place to rent
next to a cocktail bar

To the army I will not enlist
or join the mile high club
I can scratch all of them from my list
but I'll move next to a pub

We die and paint with words
our feelings blood red flow
with a paintbrush like a sword
delivering every blow

We hurt and cry in blue
our tears are like rain
and every time we think of you
our dreams will scream in pain

and we will love the suns first ray
then shine like stars at night
so when we die our words will say
a heart once used to write

On a scale from one to ten
she was a nine point nine
from head to toe she had a tan
her swimsuit looked divine

She turned the head of every man
I saw an old guy drool
and even women would stare when
she'd flaunt it by the pool

but there was just one little flaw
one tiny, teeny weeny
when I choked and to my horror saw
that she wore my mum's bikini

i told her i'm a poet
that i write from the heart
but my latest poem no way i can show it
it's title is "the ****"

i told her that my words are serious
and my poetry complicated
but they were written when i was delirious
and oh so heavily inebriated

i told her that i got a prize
when a contest my poem won
but she doesn't know or realise
of participants there was just one

i told her i'll write for her too
so i think i better hurry
soon as i stop farting from that vindaloo
and last nights spicy chicken curry

population growth is slowing
were almost at our peak
the latest data trends are showing
our ***** becoming weak

or are we up to our necks
engaged in other forms of action
where the purpose of having ***
is no longer reproduction

maybe everyone's too busy
and too tired we've become
or maybe it's become far too easy
just to go to ****.com

Things have a way of working out
somehow in the end
while we keep getting knocked about
by life's each twist and bend

On this long and bumpy trip
we struggle with it's reins
and find ourselves under the whip
feeling all the pains

So try to stop, relax, refuel
pull over to the side
then climb your camel, horse or mule
and get on with the ride

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

i want to grow a beard
and maybe shave my head
so i can be more feared
and not look weak and sad

then get a hate tattoo
slapped across my fist
maybe one on my arm too
but my muscles don't exist

perhaps I'll get an eye patch
to make me look less wussy
but worst you'll get is a scratch
from me who's just a *****

Thank you for the memories

After man is gone
who will next dominate
will it be a deep sea prawn
our world contaminate ?

maybe it will be our pets
they've had the best training
will it be our dogs or cats
our resources draining ?

perhaps a little gastropod
will break out into action
with their whole entire squad
blaze a trail of destruction

but i think deep from outer space
a creature will arrive
with something better us replace
from their USB drive

maybe there is no end
and maybe no beginning
the in between we try to understand
while the universe keeps spinning

maybe there is no truth
and wisdom is some man
who holds on to his one last tooth
without a dental plan

maybe there is no death
and we have been forever living
just can't remember every word and breath
that we have been giving

maybe we are all so wrong
about what this is for
and life is like a favourite song
in the next we'll sing once more

relationships are so complicated
and lead to much confusion
i have easier isotopes isolated
and understood nuclear fusion

some can be most explosive
and actively unstable
often they are highly corrosive
and fall off the periodic table

a simpler formula i have been writing
where a bond can stronger grow
i want our chemistry to be as exciting
as a teabag has with H2O

New Years Day is great
to make a to do list
i'm gonna lose some weight
and stop getting ******

each morning hit the gym
and raise a bit of sweat
to make me toned and slim
and shed that extra fat

come January second
and all went to my plan
i did all the things i reckoned
without one beer can

but by Australia Day
it seems this year came sooner
three kilo's more i weigh
and i'm on my twelfth schooner

The end of the world is coming
I can taste it in my rice
and while I'm nom nom nomming
on sweet potato fries

It's in the coffee too
in every single sip
I think that we are through
and all about to tip

Perhaps it's for the best
we're all about consumption
so finish your pizza, pasta and chicken breast
because this world needs a resumption

He died doing what he loved
when killed by a goat
who while hunting his gun shoved
deep inside his throat

then the goat pulled the trigger
and his guts exploded
while the goat began to snigger
and the gun reloaded

then it shot him in the head
right between the eyes
sometimes a hunting trip turns bad
and the hunter dies

Tyrannosaurus Rex
was a mighty carnivore
but when it came to love and ***
he was mighty poor

his two little awkward arms
were one of his flaws
he couldn't win the ladies charms
with his tiny claws

his smile too wasn't sweet
although it was great
it always had residual meat
from something he just ate

and then the comet crashed
his chance at love was over
our Rexy's hopes were dashed
of being a reptilian Casanova

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

living underneath a rock
wouldn't be so terrible
without daylight and no clock
i might find preferable

where it's always quiet and cosy
with only raindrops tapping
hidden from those who are nosy
and their constant clacking

where no news is permeating
of all the worldwide violence
and only thing that's for me waiting
is a happy silence

on this idea i am sold
it fits me nice and snug
by my wife i am already called
a lazy useless slug

Being a man of great distinction
i won't be renown
a much more colorful depiction
is me being a clown

at first i may seem being mysterious
with a strange demeanor
but just when you think i am serious
i laugh like a hyena

most find my attitude annoying
and treat me as a fool
but i have been my life enjoying
since passing circus school

A wicked witch lived in my room
and on me cast a spell
each night on her black evil broom
she took me down to hell

There in it's darkness I would stay
and in it's fires burn
I searched but couldn't find a way
and to the light return  
  
then suddenly a bright star would appear
and all my eyes could see  
that an angel was now living here  
when I saw you next to me

sad poems make me cry
that's why i compose
silly poems that won't try
make you blow your nose

and no tears will be shed
though you might need tissues
laughing while you wet your bed
from weak bladder issues

which is why i always write
and funny poems share
no one wants to cry all night
just change of underwear

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

I remember when an *******
happened every day
gave me so much satisfaction
and many hours of play

then the frequency had dropped
with satisfaction being drab
and in fact it would have stopped
if it wasn't for the web

but now all that i see harden
are the calluses on my hands
from many hours in the garden
the satisfaction never ends

Tell the ones you love, you love them
say it, sing it, shout it
Tell them that you’re thinking of them
don’t just think about it

Tell them any time of day
or night when you're in bed
Tell them, let them hear you say
three words that must be said

Tell them and all will be better
and will be so sweet of you
Tell them, don’t write a poem or letter
but say it loud, I love you

With climate change all of us affecting
some countries are their names correcting
I recently heard that Scotland
is changing theirs to Hotland
Also nearby green Ireland
will be red fiery Fireland
and tiny small Slovenia
shortening theirs to Ovenia
but at least cold frigid Iceland
will be warm and balmy Niceland
but there's a country where I wouldn't want to be
with Greenland disappearing into a Green Sea

My dogs biggest problem is about food
and waiting to be fed
and making sure in the neighborhood
every cat is dead

Always making the postman run        
and at all strangers growl
Then when the day is finally done
at the blue moon howl

I wish these problems were all mine
A dogs life sounds amazing
instead of opening my third bottle of wine
and on a second pizza grazing

Take a look around
not just the road ahead
Pull over, listen to the sound
of the wind instead

Taste it's sweetness in the air
hold your head up high
and when the day is in repair
touch the starry sky

Smell the living Earth
Don't just blindly drive
Then scream out like you're giving birth
"thank God I'm alive"

Copernicus liked to count
all the stars in the sky
until he reached an amount
that was much too high

Copernicus then started counting
once more from the start
but this time as he was recounting
he made himself a chart

Copernicus then saw it clear
as the last star he would enter
was a star that always has been near
and placed his wife at his life's centre

Happiness is a world that's quiet
with nobody around
When the day is done and long retired
and the night the only sound

The only visitors to my room
are a moon through windows peeping
and a breeze that with a broom
is away my sadness sweeping

My ceiling has the words i need
and I've almost read them all
So i better hurry, i better speed
before i hear the roosters call

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job

All the doer's and the thinkers
have a little snooze
all the gamblers and the drinkers
put down your chips and *****

All the poets and the dreamers
time for a little break
all the plotters and the schemers
there's no move you must make

All the saints and the sinners
don't get on your knees
because we are already winners
just let us nap now, please

"God sees everything we do"
I saw it last night on a sign
I certainly hope that isn't true
he'll know I'm drinking too much wine

and that I have a smoke or three
sometimes it includes a ****
and my browsing history
is filled with websites that are wrong

This feels really so unfair
I don't know what God does each day ?
I'm sure when he has time to spare
he has a glass of chardonnay

A blast of the morning sun
gave my face a slap
yelling loudly "wake up hon
It’s no time to nap"

Screaming "get up from your bed
I’ve been up for an hour
Brush your teeth, clear your head
and then hit the shower

Go outside, run and play
stop all your complaining
tomorrow you can sleep all day
when it will be raining"

In the future we're all pretty
our bodies firm and tight
we're intelligent, smart and witty
and our teeth are white

Our dietary intakes
are measured to perfection
and we do not make mistakes
and like our own reflection

Our life's are lived in opulence
and no one smokes or drinks
and there is no more flatulence
which is why our future stinks

I'm a very cheesy fella
and i love a tasty platter
from stretchy mozzarella
through to cubes of feta

i like them very old
like Camembert and brie
i wait until they turn to mold
to be inside of me

i like them very smelly
crumbly soft or squeaking
at the supermarket deli
my lips already licking

then tasting can begin
with a few red wines
which release my cheesy grin
and cheesy pick up lines

I'm a hopeless old romantic
who just wants to be with you
I'd cross the Pacific, the Atlantic
and then reach Timbuktu

I'd walk to the ends of this rock
and climb Mt Everest
I'd adjust the Big Ben's clock
and make it our love nest

I'd steal Neil Armstrong's boots
then make my giant leap
It's what happens when cupid shoots
you in the heart so deep

from the very first day
i knew she was the one
she turned my skies to blue from grey
and i could see the sun

and now ten thousand hot days later
she's still top of my ladder
the temperature has not been greater
and i'm not talking about the weather

i wish that i were someone else
someone better looking
no longer be that guy that smells
and incapable of cooking

but someone who demands respect
and obviously much taller
not having to continuously act
to earn my every dollar

and someone with a lot more hair
the type that's on your head
not like myself who's more a bear
who hasn't yet been fed

but perhaps i should be only me
it's probably best i think
because it doesn't matter whom i'll be
my poems will still stink

something's telling me this morning
today i will be hating
i can tell from how i'm yawning
and how i'm urinating

i can tell from how i'm brushing
and from how i'm shaving
i can sense it in the way i'm rushing
and goodbye to my wife waving

something's telling me today
things might come to blows
if something someone has to say
about the big zit on my nose

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence