Don't wait till the time is right
or you might be waiting
Every problem however slight
will keep you procrastinating

Don't wait till the cows come home
the future contemplating
In your enclosed paddock roam
all day masticating

Don't wait till the 11th hour
or till you see a sign
Don't wait until the milk turns sour
because it's now 10.59

There's nothing better, they say
than a sunny sunny day
when it's nice and warm outside
and you can walk, take a run or ride
maybe have a picnic in the park
enjoy the sun till it gets dark
and all your washing will have dried
by the time you're back inside
although lately I've been thinking
and it's not because of drinking
that I prefer when the weather's hairy
as it goes better with my glass of sherry

I can sneeze in Cantonese
then to Mandarin switch
Even all the non-Chinese
can tell which is which

I can also sneeze quite well
in Polish and in Russian
But since communism fell
they're both out of fashion

But my favourite all time sneeze
has got to be French
It makes the strongest ever breeze
that my wife fell off the bench

I buy, she cooks, i eat
we have a perfect deal
from cakes to salads and with meat
she makes a perfect meal

I bring, she knits, i wear
her jumpers keep me warm
and though i look bit like a bear
I've survived every storm

I sit, she talks, i nod
about things sentimental
and at least she believes in God
not something transcendental

I mix, she pours, we drink
often one after another
we laugh, we sing that now i think
it's time i move in with your mother

The secret to a life of bliss
is sweet potato chips
I thought it might be in your kiss
but they weren't on your lips

and the more we kissed and kissed
my hunger amplified
and more and more their taste i missed
and was unsatisfied

so in my hand I grabbed a few
then made you on them crunch
and in your kiss I suddenly knew
the secret to eat lunch

alarms have been raised
of a disturbance great
a fly has its feet placed
on Julias dinner plate

it landed fair and square
on her sirloin steak
and then without a care
on Helens chocolate cake

then it took a trip
onto Stevens crotch
followed by a sip
from his glass of scotch

and then from angry Andy
through its ***** snout
it took a liking to his brandy
until his angry shout

though loudest came from Jill
who screamed out every note
then suddenly all came to a still
it flew inside her throat

Sometimes I'll write a poem here
and think it's my best ever
but then the very next day, oh dear
it's in the trash forever

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

I travel in my dreams
and I've been to many places
It's much cheaper it seems
without packing suitcases

Don't need a passport or a visa
or booking complicated flights
to visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa
or see the Northern Lights

and to climb the Eiffel Tower
no need to plan ahead
because I'll be there in an hour
when I hit the bed

The greatest city that's on earth
is in Australia mate
It's not Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth
and Sydney's not that great

But it's a very quiet place
that's perfect for a nun
Where every day is not a race
but you can still have fun

Nestled between the sea and hills
filled with many parks
If you're the type that's into thrills
the gulf has great white sharks

but if you're placid and like wines
your dreams can still be made
so come where the sun always shines
you will love Adelaide

baldness is hereditary
thanks a lot dad
thanks for being very hairy
all over but your head

though it might be from my mum
where i'll inherit more
who loves drinking gin and ***
and louder than dad snore

what if it skips a generation
and i get grandmas genes
who can wipe out a small nation
after eating beans

maybe even worse it gets
and i get most from grandpa
who suffered from tourettes
with that awful ******* temper

every outcome's diabolic
with my genetic inheritance
my future is a balding alcoholic
with no ******* friends

Supergirl couldn't save me
and Lois Lane didn't come
Wonder Woman stopped to crave me
when she found out where I'm from

Batgirl she was too scared
and hid inside her cave
While CatWoman just sat and stared
as her tail stopped to wave

but you, you came running
with super powers non-existent
just a smile that's so stunning
rescuing me in an instant

I want this to be
the last poem that I've written
while I'm sipping on my tea
after everything's been eaten

after everything has been digested
then gone to my mid-section
after every recipe been tested
and cooked to perfection

but now the dishes are all stacked
and empty is the fridge
I'm ready waiting fully packed
crossing my life's bridge

so let me slowly sip my tea
and let me out loud slurp
this poem i will want to be
worth a one last burp

they came to me at night
once more as i expected
they were as black as Anthracite
and all my dreams infected

they choked my every breath
me slowly suffocating
they spoke bout darkness and of death
my heart out loud pulsating

then on the hopeless sky
there rose a sphere of light
and once more i was rescued by
my full moon shining bright

My four best friends are my four walls
The fifth one is my ceiling
Each night for help they hear my calls
and know the pains I'm feeling

My sixth best friend is my cold floor
on which I'm often lying
and no one really knows me more
when tears I'm on it crying

My seventh used to be my door
but lately we don't talk
I'll need to know my six friends more
then I will through it walk

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

My dog's a sleepopotamus
A carnivore gone wrong
The size of a hippopotamus
who sleeps all day long

He only wakes up once a day
that's only to get fed
The only time he wants to play
is when it's time for bed

and he'll rarely chase his tail
or ever chase his sticks
but he can half a cow inhale
in three or four good licks

Women like to grow their nails
Why ? The answer's simple
It's because there's many males
with an itchy pimple

I found myself in a bar
with a girl from Russia
We drank and laughed hahaha
her name was Natasha

But as we drank more and more
the laughs came to a stall
when Natasha walked through the door
and used the ****** on the wall

After the massive shock i had
I asked him to explain
Vlad hahaha laughed and then said
I'm also from Ukraine

every man and his dog
every woman and her moggie
turn into a hungry hog
with a plate of fried Pierogi

every husband and his wife
every guy and his amigos
grab a spoon, forget the knife
let's get stuck into some Bigos

every old man with his horse
every young one with his hot car
know that Polish food is incomplete of course
without a shot of *****

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

Side to side she swung her hips
with legs that stretched a mile
and with her lipstick laden lips
she'd strangers send a smile

All the men would stare and drool
with every step she took
and they would break each traffic rule
to get another look

All the women they would glance
and quietly whisper *****
they wished that given half a chance
their skirts could that high reach

Her each stride was so mesmerising
and in attention all engrossed
but the universe has laws equalising
as she then walked into a post

the day switched off its light
and sent the wind to sleep
then gave a nudge and woke the night
and said - your turn to keep

of work my half is done
now go and earn your nightly bread
your work is so much easier son
with everyone in bed

but night said - that is so untrue
for when you're not about
you don't know what these people do
when their lights are out

she has my juices flowing
and she makes me sweat
on my shirt its clearly showing
with both armpits wet

she has me agitated
with my eyelids twitching
both cheeks blood red activated
and the beard itching

she has me my words mumbling
and i keep on tripping
my hands are all things fumbling
and brain hemispheres flipping

she has me all at sea
while my heart skips a beat
there is a girl who's making me
brain dead with two left feet

Hooray its no pants Sunday
Today is trousers free
From all the days it's one day
i can show past my knee

My upper thighs will bask to
the warm rays of the sun
and i wont have to ask you
if my fly is undone

It will feel satisfying
a breeze between my legs
while to break free my pants are trying
from two clothesline pegs

there's a war inside my gut
and the tanks are rolling in
there is gunfire, ratatat
its a devastating scene

its a hostile takeover
and a very violent coup
and it has me well bent over
and a prisoner in the loo

our world peace has been disrupted
you might see it on the telly
there's a war that has erupted
from jalapenos in my belly

Noses are red and lips are blue
living in Reykjavik
the nights are black and days are too
the winter's very bleak

and they're long while summers short
i never see the sun
living by a frozen fjord
is never that much fun

my world is always wearing whites
everywhere i go
and i keep seeing northern lights
through my curtains glow

one day hopefully will come by
and life's stops being so cruel
when Reykjavik is blown sky high
by Eyjafjallajokull

Obesity is a disease
which cant be taken lightly
The most obvious symptom is
that it looks unsightly

With lots of floppy bits
some swaying others flapping
Two very droopy ****
and a stomach that's heard clapping

I don't think that it's contagious
but impossible to stop
when your appetite is voracious
living next to a pizza shop

shower, **** and shave
the order doesn't matter  
and if i'm feeling very brave
all at once the better  

socks, jocks and pants
the first shirt from the line
and to the office i'll have a chance
to make it there by nine

work and work then play
drink and dance and mingle
every night and every day
**** it's so good being single

come seventh day i took a rest
of work i had enough
fingers crossed hope for the best
i did it out of love

i built it all from nothingness
bit by bit and piece by piece
from massive monsters in Loch Ness
down to annoying fleas

and everything worked to a plan
with nothing left to give
my last creation was a man
then i ****** up with Eve

No one would notice me before
but now they all stare at me
Is it because I weigh so much more
and my big belly they can see ?

Maybe I look like some most wanted ?
or is there a halo above my head ?
by these questions I'm often haunted
as I insecurely tread

Perhaps it's only my imagination
that I'll never understand
as I walk back to my car from the petrol station
with five hot dogs in my hand

It suddenly happened overnight
but somehow I got old
It wasn't from a sudden fright
or noticing I'm bald

I woke one morning feeling fine
then my mirror cracked
Have I not noticed my decline
and it has gone unchecked ?

and as I stared back at my greys
I began to weep
then said hello to my old face
and went back to sleep

Everything will be OK
it will be fine my dear
just give me Tapas on a tray
and a glass of chilled Sangria

my head is always in the clouds
high above the ground
far away from noisy crowds
a dream home i have found

and is it there i fill my head
with endless useless dribble
to this distant place i've fled
where with my heart i scribble

and there, there's nothing to achieve
of nothing to be proud
that is why i choose to live
on a fluffy cloud

Once upon a time
I was young and healthy
didn't have a dime
but with life I was wealthy

didn't own a thing
flexing my tiny muscle
but i lived like a king
one without a castle

and now I own so much
I came to learn a truth
there is no money that can touch
the value of your youth

There was a song stuck in my head
Humuhum it had me humming
since I woke up from my bed
Boomboomboom it's beat was drumming

Then all morning in the shower
Chachacha my hips were swinging
at the bus stop for an hour
Nanana I kept on singing

On a crowded bus I hopped
Lalala I sang out loud
then the bus suddenly stopped
Hahaha laughed all the crowd

we're so tired of this rock
said the monkeys of Gibraltar
so we had a little talk
and we're moving off to Malta

we decided against Morocco
and it certainly won't be Spain
recently we saw a doco
all the apes there are insane

and we'll perish like the rhino
if that old queen has her way
moving with those great albino
fat gorillas in UK

In the grand scheme of things
does it really matter
if I eat a bucket of chicken wings
and keep getting fatter ?

Then gobble up a bag of fries
and drink a large thick shake
Maybe a couple of apple pies
and a chocolate cake

You must look at the bigger picture
life's just like KFC
It's all about a tasty mixture
if you can see past me

My favourite constellation was Orion
It's what i always felt
Through summer nights i've had my eye on
his shiny three star belt

He always was a poignant figure
in his huntsman possie
there was no dream that could be bigger
for a small young aussie

but years later boy became a man
and dreams came to an end
till i discovered rhyme from a pen
and found my hunting friend

The truth is that I just don't care
but I just want to be somewhere

With you beside me far away
and wait for love to show the way

and I don't care where is this place
as long as it makes both our hearts race

unless of course it's just too dear
so let's do the pub and split a beer

I used to date...
But now it's just a small, dried fruit

Who tells your heart how it should beat
does anybody know ?
I've not been in the drivers seat
to how my blood should flow

and who knows how their stomach's working ?
or kidneys, lungs and liver
besides some rumbling and some burping
somehow they deliver

So what exactly is our role ?
Who's really in command ?
just when you think you're in control
one **** can make that end

day by day i'm more invisible
i see it at the shops
and a little less noticeable
even by the cops

more frequently i'm ignored
when i ask for assistance
i think the world is getting bored
of my here existence

perhaps i will soon be a ghost
i'm already getting grey
and be on a missing persons post
last seen in shops in May

Sometimes I think to myself
Why am I so odd
Not from a book that's off the shelf
a blunder made by God

Completely different than the rest
by strange things motivated
You'd classify me as a pest
so why was I created ?

Perhaps I'm simply a mistake
or maybe I'm part alien
It's best that during my lunch break
I ask my librarian

don't want a life that is a race
against the hands of time
but move more at a snails pace
comfortable in slime

don't want a life that's in a rush
with many twisting bends
but simple with a toilet flush
when my last day ends

don't want a life that's always mad
with every day so hectic
life stinks so slow it down a tad
with lots of antiseptic

Christmas has been cancelled
and the Easter break's in doubt
while all those holidays i have pencilled
can be all rubbed out

shortened will be my weekends
no Friday night pub crawl
no Saturday BBQ's with friends
or Sundays at the mall

from work for me there'll be no break
nil, zilch, zero, nada
my wife said this bag can't be fake
but has to be from Prada

Oysters taste like snot
and look like it i suppose
The difference there looks not a lot
to what comes from my nose

It seems like they are sniffed
instead of being eaten
in one move very swift
without once being bitten

There's really no solution
but to sloppily one inhale
Like the french since the revolution
been devouring the garden snail

What does my future hold
before my heart flat-lines
Will I curse each day as I get old
or celebrate with wines ?

Is it written somewhere in the stars
or inside a ******* tip
Will my heart be feeling all the scars
or joy with every sip ?

But perhaps it's best that I don't know
so before I go to sleep
pour a glass, sit back and enjoy the show
until my heart goes beep

No man is an island
but some are like continents
with a massive highland
and no top button on their pants

A part of me just wants to leave
and start from the beginning
grab my hat and roll my sleeve
and give my life new meaning

Another part wants to remain
stuck in my nine to five
attached to a golden bowling chain
believing I'm alive

and then there is a tiny part
which tells me not to care
as long as I'm laughing from the heart
and have clean underwear