diets do not work
as hunger they increase
and you can eat a whole roast pork
soon as you dieting cease

and when combined with exercise
a diet more backfires
how will you burn that steak and fries
when your gym membership expires

there is one way to lose that weight
a more permanent reduction
and a marriage contemplate
with a nurse in liposuction

She was an oil engineer
and specialised in gas
She was bold and had no fear
a brave courageous lass

She worked on an oil rig
in the middle of an ocean
She fixed all things however big
and then got a promotion

She then worked in the city
and with the big heads all day mingle
but despite being very pretty
her love of gas still made her single

and so she found a highland terrier
when he was just a little puppy
and now her life could not be merrier
with every **** they're both so happy

do not teach me brand new tricks
of age i just turned one
i wont go and fetch your sticks
you can for them run

don't get me to shake your hands
because i have a paw
go and find some human friends
and let me on bones gnaw

and you want me to play dead ?
what's this game you're playing
and then beg ? that's rather sad
to hear the things you're saying

do not teach me a thing or two
it will end in disaster
and i'll *** inside your shoe
then you'll see who is master

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

Don't forget to live a little
time is your only asset
before your bones become too brittle
and muscles become flaccid

Don't delay your hopes and dreams
leave now and head on out
before you are applying creams
to help you with your gout

Don't just sit there reading this
but live a life much greater
before the only thing you kiss
is a respirator

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

My dreams are rather small
and I have no desire
to know, to feel or see it all
or set the world on fire

I want each day to be the same
and every night be clear
Towards the stars my fingers aim
while you're with me here

and I don't want to travel far
to taste some fancy dish
I only need a falling star
for us to make a wish

This guy here
will have a beer
His senorita
a margarita
The guy with the hot car
will have a *****
his boyfriend Barry
a ****** Mary
My mum I'd say
a chardonnay
Meanwhile my dad
will have a red
While my flower
a whiskey sour

and finally me
I'll have a tea
as I've been sober
since October
I can't start now
I made a vow
but maybe
.....maybe just this time
I'll have a ***** lemon lime
I have developed quite a thirst
and today is November first

Why do some people become mad
when they get behind the wheel
Did they wake up from the wrong side of the bed
and forgot their morning pill ?

It's as if they're suddenly someone else
the minute that they start to drive
their mouth vile obscenities yells
you'd think the devil came alive

Although I know exactly how that feels
with my sudden change of face
When I put on a skirt and my pink high heels
and Friday evenings become Grace

there has to be an easier way
from this daily grind
before my teeth are worn away
from worries on my mind

before my fingernails are all eaten
right down to the bone
before my face is sad and beaten
looking overgrown

before my dreams become puree
and i on them gag
there has to be an easier way
before i lay an egg

Je ne cigarette rien

Eggs aren't very funny
They don't like cracking jokes
or things could get a little runny
from their spilling yolks

and eggs unfortunately never will
have humorous tales to tell
but my stomach laughs with every meal
when they come out of their shell

wake up its election day
its compulsory to vote
so tick a box and have a say
will we sink or float

but is it going to really matter
what face gets elected
your sleep wont get any better
and your tax still collected

and with your money they will play
you're just a bottom feeder
till one day aliens land and say
take me to your leader

Ellen didn't have a cat
but she had twenty one
she lived in a small tiny flat
that never saw the sun

Inside her carpets were once clean
but now were kitty litter
all stained ***** brown and green
where air was tasting bitter

Her neighbours could also something smell
so they went to investigate
and found twenty one cats alive and well
as they Ellen slowly ate

A man from Poland is a pole
that makes a German one a germ ?
then one from Holland is a hole
and from Peru must be a perm

If one from Scotland is a Scot
and an Australian is an Aussie
so one from Botswana is a bot
and from Mozambique a mozzie ?

Then every guy that lives in Greenland
must be turning greenish
i think it's best I move to Finland
and this stupid poem finnish

Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

Erik was not a social guy
a quiet life he led
his eyes looked down or at the sky
imaginary friends he had

and to these friends he only talked
having no sisters and no brothers
he had his room securely locked
and never spoke with others

until Deborah moved next door
and turned on her bedroom light
lifting his eyes from the floor
Erik found his star at night

soon they were as tight as glue
a love no one could end
then Erik introduced Deborah to
his each and every friend

Sometimes life is like an onion
sometimes like a peach
sometimes you fall into a canyon
sometimes lie on a beach

Sometimes life is like a rose
sometimes like a thorn
sometimes each new day really blows
sometimes feels like you're born

Sometimes I think that I'm so smart
usually me so dumb dumb
but your salted caramel chocolate ****
will always taste so yum yum

a very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
its fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

but the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

A very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
It's fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

Then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

But the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

Think outside the box
don't be such a square
be as brave as Goldilocks
and tackle every bear

Take your Gretel and escape
deep into the woods
put on Superman's red cape
or Red Riding Hood's

So fly away, sail or ride
to find your holy grail
while your pen has ink inside
go write your fairytale

This year I will need Santa
to bring us more than Fanta
and i don't mean world peace
our wars will never cease
and i don't mean more presents
they are for kids and peasants
but this year Santa Claus
must think hard and then pause
and moments before swooping in
spread love and joy with his vaccine

Felicity killed her cat
it was horrible how
Felicity ******* it sat
Max didn't even meow

Felicity killed her dog
with silent deadly means
Felicity killed Rex drinking grog
and eating spicy beans

Felicity killed her hubby
poisoned with sashimi
then squeezing a whole tube of wasabi
Felicity ate her Timmy

I was with Tony, Frank and Javed
pre Christmas drinks with friends
and somehow that night they discovered
that i have woman's hands

they teased me with the way i point
and how i hold my beer
made fun of creams i might anoint
to keep them smooth and clear

they laughed that i sit down to ***
and made jokes immature
for my disorder doc's should see
if there's a manicure

to make them stop i was not able
"enough", i gave a shout
i banged my hands ******* the table
and then i stormed right out

then three days later with Jill and Maya
driving to post Christmas sales
i got both girls to change my tyre
that night i broke two nails

You cannot choose your neighbours
luck will decide that fate
They come in many flavours
from noisy through to great

Some won't be to you speaking
and some straight out of hell
some of tobacco reeking
or some illicit smell

But then one will arrive
who might make things less tense
and make you all night through till five
spy over the fence

i'll find you like a treasure
where the rainbow ends
and dig you out with pleasure
with my hungry hands

i'll find you like the first star
of a summers night
and play for you with my guitar
so you become bright

i'll find you neath the mistletoe
and kiss you there perhaps
i'll find you anywhere you go
hon, i've got all the maps

I had a young shark as a pet
when he was still so small
We would both love to get wet
and with the sea waves roll

Chasing surfers, scaring girls
with both our fins out
Hiding beneath oceans swirls
as they scream and shout

From shocking many scuba divers
we would get our kicks
There wouldn't be any survivors
from our bag of tricks

But then suddenly one day
our friendship hit a snag
and I no longer with sea waves play
because I have one leg

The best things in life are Brie
there is nothing better
although a few might disagree
and say that it is Feta

While others say there is no match
for Swiss is a best seller
Some think that is bit of a stretch
and swear it's Mozzarella

But maybe there is no winner
and every cheese is great
especially when you've had no dinner
and there's cheese on your plate

one by one we will fall
like trees inside a forest
the great one's and the small
the richest and the poorest

from the ugly to the pretty
and the healthy to the lame
from the bony to the meaty
our destiny's the same

there is no need to measure
the circumference of your trunk
life's riches are a treasure
only found with roots you've sunk

A diamond is forever
but Cubic Zirconia gives me the time that I need

The concept of eternity
is a little daunting
trying to grasp it's enormity
is all of my dreams haunting

The answers that I've found
are beyond my understanding
as my beliefs are formed around
a beginning and an ending

So this notion of forever
is too big for my small brain
all i can do is be clever
writing poems in a quatrain

two potatoes fell in love
deep beneath the ground
they didn't like the world above
the light, the wind, the sound

they preferred life to be still
away from noise and rustle
a life of stillness and of chill
without a hint of hustle

the only rush they ever got
was sprouting some new shoots
and when they had to deal with rot
or growing deeper roots

that's why with you i feel so glad
that we're together married
we'll be like two spuds till we're dead
then side by side stay buried

Dad, your journey was amazing
i know some days were rough
but you loved to joke, and loved stargazing
and made those around you laugh

You also loved a drink or three
a smoke or maybe twenty
and you were always there for me
and mum you loved her plenty

Every stranger you would meet
would soon become your friend
and though you lived a life complete
each journey has an end

So dad until we meet again
my heart will feel these scars
but each night i'll still see you when
I gaze at the stars

let's talk about the weather
a great conversation starter
makes men and women come together
from London to Jakarta

except for those in Singapore
where it's harder to be flirty
when everyday there's a storm at four
with a maximum of thirty

I'd love to be a dove
skies gracefully navigating
and somewhere high from up above
my bowels evacuating

with an olive branch
hanging off my beak
giving me a carte blanche
to peacefully take a leak

and during my release
amidst applause and cheer
I'll be spreading love and peace
and lots of my diarrhea

Freedom does not exist
We'll always be in chains
under someone else's fist
pulling on our reins

Following some made up scheme
Fed with blatant lies
Told we are part of a team
yet no one hears our cries

Drowning in a world of rules
from law books off the shelf
It's why freedom is for fools
and only you can free yourself

Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

Science and Religion
never best of friends
like a cat and a pigeon
a bond that quickly ends

yet to heavens they both look
in search of inspiration
and they're reading some fat book
for an explanation

and they're filled with so much hope
that there is an answer
looking for it in the pope
or when they join Mensa

could it be their destination
always same has been
and it's there in an equation
hidden in john 3:16

I was friends with Mike
we used to ride a bike
then I was friends with Charlie
together ride his Harley
and now I'm friends with Shane
who flies an aeroplane
but one friend i want still
is walk the moon with Neil

i used to be a charming prince
a frog was reminiscing
i met a witch and eversince
there has been no more kissing

but everything will be okay
at least i have a chance
to croak all night and hop all day
not on a plate in France

Some say it's written in the stars
that's why my eyes look up
Some say that it is swirling round
with tea leaves in a cup

Some say our palms read like a leaf
and tell us when we'll fall
Some say they see it all in cards
some in a crystal ball

Some say they can interpret dreams
but i think it's pure lies
I read my future from one look
all written in your eyes

Galileo Galilei
the telescope invented
All night long till break of day
the heavens documented

What beauty in his eyes reflected
with all those wondrous sights
When he had his telescope re-directed
on all those cloudy nights

I love playing trivia
gives me such a buzz
What's the capital of Bolivia
surely it's La Paz

sometimes i love to dabble
and games with words try
that's why i love scrabble
so please don't quizzify

but there's one game i love more
it's the game of life
I'm playing since turning 24
and you're still my wife

Christmas should be changed to Giftmas
because gifts are the main reason
from their excessive expensiveness
we have this festive season

All the shopping and the wrapping
and wallet exercising
Many days of planning, prepping
and endless organizing

and when we're finished with the spending
and exhausted as a dog
the only gift that's worth defending
is a homemade spiked eggnog

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

and then the two bananas fought
about which one bends more
together waiting to get bought
at the grocery store

"my bend is like a perfect smile
I’m peoples favourite type"
said the first one all the while
waiting to get ripe

"but mine like a rainbow bends"
said the other one
"signalling the rain now ends
and welcoming the sun"

and as i both bananas peeled
and with enjoyment ate
there suddenly the truth revealed
it's not fun being straight

Love is rare as gold
or like a precious stone
but it can't be bought or sold
you won't get it with a loan

Many have searched far and wide
in mountains and in streams
some have even for it died
in others stayed as dreams

and some were left with broken hearts
and thrown into the dark
then suddenly the gold rush starts
when love starts with a spark

There's not much fun in getting old
when you're getting ready for bed at seven
Middle of summer and you're freezing cold
and half of your friends are in heaven

There's not much fun when you call it a night
after your second glass of wine
and when you're asked to sign but you've lost your sight
and cant find the dotted line

There's not much fun when just one sneeze
can somehow lead to bronchitis
and you ask for a fork when you order Chinese
because your fingers have arthritis

There's not much fun in getting old
no one said ageing is great
so on this summers day while I'm freezing cold
goodnight all its almost eight