before my golden sun
shines with a rusted hue
before my blue skies run
from smoke that chimneys spew

before my moon has found
no need to tame the nights
before my stars are drowned
in floods of neon lights

before a black storm looms
and acid rains descend
before my garden blooms
with concrete and cement

before my dreams are thrown
and locked in endless slumber
before i'm better known
to you as just a number

before the oceans rise
and all the forests fall
before every rose dries
and love withers with all

before this world of mine
becomes a children's fable
where once upon a time
to smile they were able

So, while sun golden shines
and skies are blue above
i ask, before i'm out of lines
who will tomorrow love ?

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

Water equals life
they both go hand in hand
like a credit card and a wife
two best friends till the end

True friends are hard to find
that's why i have a dog
and though i don't smell his behind
I've given him a snog

While he then licks my face
and i give him a pat
We laugh about girls we used to chase
and how they all got fat

We get along so well
wagging both our tails
True friendship can be really swell
between any two males

me and my big ***
but what's a girl to do
i've got it and so does my mum
my grandma has it too

and if you look below
you will see my big thighs
but there are better things on show
like my big brown eyes

and my big wide smile
they're my best two bits
all this time you have meanwhile
eyeballed my *******

true love hasn't been found yet
but search is under way
NASA, SETI and uncle Matt
are very close they say

they've been looking to the sky
probing, testing, trying
while Matt for two weeks each July
has been to Thailand flying

they said their eyes are firmly fixed
on all the nearby stars
and after drinks that have been mixed
in all night striptease bars

we might be close to finding E.T.
but we must stay astute
because she might not be too pretty
and be a *******

Did you know that we all are
composed of stellar matter
each of us was once a star
all it's sparkly pieces scatter

and this notion is so clear
a belief i cling to tightly
there are people i know here
who like stars still shine so brightly

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

I just can't find the wirdz
to write how I love birdz

From pecalinz and seagalz
right to the mitey eagalz

I love to see em in the skiez
happy like them butterfliez

singing all day in the treez
flapping their wingz in the breez

and i'm so happy that I chooz
to be with a bird like youz

a mosquito that's Vietnamese
really can annoy
especially north of 17 degrees
buzzing in Hanoi

there is also another mosquito
with an annoying attitude
it lives in Ecuador Quito
buzzing at high altitude

but one mosquito is so laid back
it calls itself a mozzie
it gets a buzz from a good whack
annoying the ****** Aussie

Remind me of our happiest days
Bring them back to me tonight
When my eyes saw colours instead of greys
and my dreams weren't black and white

Take me from where I am now
because I need them all so much
Please allow me to remember how
my heart those days still wants to touch

and leave me there far in our past
because that's where I want to be
and the only memory that I want to last
are happiest days with you and me

My first blind date was a disaster
finishing after the appetizer
The second ended even faster
before my first Budweiser

The third blind date went all so wrong
she said I was a creep
The fourth continued for too long
that she fell asleep

The fifth date actually made me cry
but I'll be fine again
before my sixth blind date I'll try
drinking Heineken

when life throws you a bone
don't bark woof woof woof
what if no more is thrown
that would be a goof

so just look cute and happy
and you will have enough
pretending you are still a puppy
barking ruff ruff ruff

My neighbours across the street
are somewhat bizarre
not once did we ever greet
they don't even have a car

They're playing music very loud
and often there's a party
on weekends always there's a crowd
and all the girls dress tarty

Maybe they're just much too young
of friendship there's no hope
especially after i got sprung
with my telescope

Bozo was a funny clown
with a funny wig
and a big nose reddish brown
with one shoe too big

on his shirt he wore a flower
made to water squirt
with it young girl's he would shower
and then with them flirt

but his career quickly ended
from being a funny clown
when one day he got caught red handed
with his ***** pants down

Breakfast is the least important meal
that i don't want to taste
those extra calories only will
add inches to my waist

why should i have a french toast
or pancakes with some honey
who on earth would want most
to have their eggs a little runny

or an omelette with some cheese
with fresh fried strips of bacon
so tell me who wants breakfast please
or have i been mistaken ?

the voices in my head
they are getting louder
about explosives things are said
dynamite and gunpowder

about grenades and missiles
some of them are speaking
others about projectiles
or bombs with a clock ticking

this talk about death and destruction
is lighting up my fuse
i think i may need a reduction
from watching the daily news

The humans that are worst
live at both ends of the spectrum.
In truth they're so immersed
that they speak out of their ******.

Spreading their diarrhea
with every word they say.
Igniting lies from their fat rear
with their toxic spray

and ideas so demented
needing a second flush.
They are the reason we've invented
the disposable toilet brush.

I've added to my bucket list
a place not ordinary
i don't know how but its been missed
from my itinerary


its not mount Fuji, its not the Nile
or Paris London Rome
but its a place that makes me smile
a place i can call home


to get there i wont need a map
and i wont need a chart
my bucket list has only scrap
on my trip to your heart

Little spider on my ceiling
what are you from my house stealing ?
hope it's that annoying fly
that's been landing on my pie

or that moth which loved to dine
on my favourite Calvin Kline
perhaps it's that mosquito which
gave me that persistent itch

So hurry please leave out the door
where you can hunt and eat some more
because you don't want to be at all
like that last spider on my wall

The fastest way into your heart
was directly through the chest
and so I grabbed my every dart
aiming with my utmost best

I had to get there really fast
before the others could
and so I had to win your trust
so you can see I'm good

Then suddenly you let me in
and your first love I became
Now I think you actually let me win
because how dreadful was my aim

I came,
I saw,
.... I added croutons

Happiness is a cake
with lots and lots of icing
There's no salad you can make
that can be as enticing

It's wonderful for sharing
can be eaten any place
and you can get away with wearing
some of it on your face

and after the party ends
and you've blown out all the candles
you can eat the rest without any pants
wearing nothing but your sandals

my husbands always eating
something always munching
when walking or when sitting
he's on some substance crunching

chocolates, lollies, nuts or chips
his mouth keeps salivating
there is something around his lips
like a cow he's masticating

meanwhile here is me
a tiny roll with cheese and ham
and on the bathroom scale i see
an extra kilogram

It's the little things that matter
the big things can all rest
I prefer a mild heart flutter
not a full cardiac arrest

and driving like my grandpa does
not fast like some young bloke
so my brain only gets a buzz
not a massive stroke

because life doesn't need a shove
but a touch that's so much finer
so that your heart feels all the love
not pain from an Angina

Go and seize the day
grab it with both hands
don't worry what the others say
or if it offends

Don't be bashful or be shy
trust your heart and nose
reach out and then touch the sky
on your tippytoes

and then let yourself be fooled
that your life is complete
before the rug is swiftly pulled
from beneath your feet

I'm a guy who loves his maps
physical and topographic
staring at them more perhaps
than pictures pornographic

and maps political and aerial
i find them all hypnotic
they contain more material
than any story that's ******

there's historic and climatic
they're more beautifully complicated
than the beauties in the attic
when i'm watching films *******

so i'll always love my maps
at the Atlas stare for ages
but you might find weird gaps
and a bunch of sticky pages

curiosity didn't **** my cat
no it was my nana
together with every other pet
my rabbit and green iguana

she looked after them so well
no they weren't neglected
she cleaned them so they didn't smell
and be from disease protected

she fed them more than herself
and smothered them with love
she always had treats on the shelf
in their mouth's she could shove

but despite warnings from the vet
their portions must decrease
my every pet was much too fat
and died from being obese

my cat hates my brand new toy
i feel it in his glance
it's something he'd like to destroy
given half a chance

i see it in his stealthy walk
and hear it in his meow
i know if he could learn to talk
he would be swearing now

it used to be him on my lap
getting all attention
but now a constant tap tap tap
from some weird invention

I think he wants me to understand
who's still king of this house
when i found what blocked my toilet bend
was my missing wireless mouse

When i was in New York
I went to Central Pork
No not the place that's green
this was about cuisine
but more so was about the chops
a tiny place between the shops
where only pork's on sale
from snout through to it's tail
a place that's coloured pink
I'll forward you the link
because you can't go to Manhattan
buying only beef or mutton

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

Coco no
You peed inside the house
Coco no
You ripped my brand new blouse

Coco no
You chewed my Nike shoes
Coco no
For that there's no excuse

Coco no
You made the postman run
Coco no
Now letters I'll get none

Coco no
You're such a naughty puppy
Coco don't go
Because no one makes me so happy

"Can I go to the toilet please"
was the first sentence I was taught
After arriving from overseas
when my English equalled naught

Then I learned a few more sentences
like "She'll be right" and "G'Day mate"
meaning soon there were many instances
when I was forced to mum translate

Now my English is just so much better
though when I speak it still sounds funny
or when writing poems or a letter
especially while I'm in the dunny

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

The cost of living has gone up
even dogs have been complaining
It's not easy to raise a pup
then take through obedience training

They're now scratching for every dollar
and have even taken loans
I heard a few have sold their collar
and dug up buried bones

With prices always upwards rising
and economy so frail
I guess its really not surprising
they're chasing their own tail

It's time that we relax
so I won't shave today
or remove my ear wax
and let my nose hairs grey

I won't trim my fingernails
or use antiperspirant spray
I won't weight myself on the scales
but throw that thing away

and maybe I won't brush my teeth
or my last hairs comb
but just stay all day underneath
our blanket's where we're home

Everything we do on Earth
it's all so temporary
from the moment of our birth
to our obituary

From the ***** to the casket
were on a short lived journey
but we're adding so much to our basket
and requiring an attorney

Accumulating so much junk
could be our inherent flaw
to the next world you can't pack your trunk
I know as I studied law

Jesus was a funny dude
i heard it through a rumour
to those around him he was good
with a cracking sense of humour

he could turn water into wine
and helped the blind to see
he would be a top mate of mine
if i lived in 32 AD

his jokes brought people from the dead
known as miracles back then
and if you knew him you'll be so well fed
with his twelve best mates, amen

Take me to a happy place
where sadness is a sin
take me where my gloom-filled face
has to have a grin

where tears are against the law
and cryings not allowed
where you cannot drop your jaw
but use it to laugh loud

Take me from this awful hell
and close all the doors after
then throw me in a jail cell
where punishment is laughter

crying is for babies
and for the dear departed
or unlucky ladies
that are broken hearted

or it's for my gran
when she lost her Bella
crying we all easily can
unless you're a fella

but there's one exception
when men like babies bawl
when in their method of contraception
they notice there's a hole

staring at a crystal ball
i see my reflection
elongated, thin and tall
except my midsection

there is much that i can see
into my near future
frequent trips to kfc
and my local butcher

i must try and change these ways
and live a life less stagnant
so next time that i have a gaze
i don't look ten months pregnant

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

my resume is finally in
with lies about my education
a photo with my grin
and how i don't take a vacation

a list of all my previous jobs
and also references
i wont let slip they were all knobs
and my traffic offenses

i think i also might include
about things i love most
that i love writing about food
but really i burn toast

a nice shirt i will carefully choose
with long sleeves that's brand new
this time i wont show my tattoos
at the interview

I once dated a librarian
She used to read me books
She was poshy and so un-Australian
with exotic timeless looks

Her reading style was seductive
by the candle light
and afterwards she would be active
when it was out at night

but the next day she left to my surprise
in a rush she wrote this quick
it said you smell like Lord of the Flies
and you're no Moby ****

in the darkness words i write
on pages that are black
in my bed, all of the night
laying on my back

my index finger is my pen
my tears are my ink
and i see clearly like no one can
i think like none can think

but then the night turns to a day
my pages are washed clean
and so in bed i wait and stay
for darkness to come in

David was a nosy guy
who had to know it all
He had his finger in every pie
and an ear on every wall

His eyes had to also see
what everyone was doing
In two places he could be
at the same time others viewing

But one day David wrongly spied
on a girl called Lily
His sense of smell since that day died
and his nose looks silly

Day 18908
a bit like yesterday it was spent
yet once again to work I was late
and some lie had to invent

With four coffee's needed to get me going
followed by six cups of tea
While all day long my hunger kept on growing
that I had my second lunch at three

Then I got home and dinner was at five
with an evening made in heaven
I already can't wait for the weekend to arrive
on Day 18911

Do you believe in destiny
that it’s not all a fluke
we’re living out a fantasy
from someone’s great big book

where everything has been scripted
written line by line
all that we have here gifted
ours, yours and mine

on paper with his pencils sharpened
the future he could see
but whatever it is that happened
you and I were meant to be

A diamond a day
... will make your wife with you stay

"I need a brand new diamond ring"
she said while out loud crying
I said "it will our wallets sting
let's not be diamonds buying"

she said "then get me a necklace
forget about this ring"
i said "lets try to be less reckless
true love don't cost a thing"

she said "your philosophy i don't understand
who made you Aristotle ?"
then i saw why a diamond is a girl's best friend
and a husbands is a bottle