a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

its not a lie but really
i sweat quite profusely
when im eating chili
but even if its muesli

and it gets much worse
when in an anxious state
i sweat then like a horse
at the starting gate

somewhere cold in Norway
early i'll retire
till then there is no escape doorway
from sweating like a liar

don't want a life that is a race
against the hands of time
but move more at a snails pace
comfortable in slime

don't want a life that's in a rush
with many twisting bends
but simple with a toilet flush
when my last day ends

don't want a life that's always mad
with every day so hectic
life stinks so slow it down a tad
with lots of antiseptic

i found there is this thing
its kind of like an extra wing

it helps me climb up off the ground
and gives me strength when none is found

then sometimes it feels like a sword
and helps me fight with every word

and on the days when i am weak
it becomes my walking stick

today though it became a pen
and helped me write out that i can

from this endless downward *****
climb once again,
with this thing called hope

It’s nice being in our bed
While outside it is raining
On my chest your head
for once is not complaining

We are both snugly warm
Beneath our blankets napping
While outside there’s a fierce storm
That’s on our windows tapping

It feels like we are in heaven
Away from winter's harm
Then suddenly at 5.57
I’m thrown to hell by my alarm

There's one way to the moon
it's via a rocket ship
you'll get there pretty soon
a most expensive trip

but i might take my time
because i found another
I'll use some words and rhyme
and get there via a ladder

Strawberries really are
from another planet
arriving from a nearby star
in their little punnet

A big dollop of fresh cream
splashed down the next day
from a nightime sparkling stream
called the milky way

Deep from space they both arrived
and our senses swirled
with a taste that's still described
as out of this world

It was then on a winters day
I climbed a nearby hill
When clouds were sad and hurtful grey
and so cruel was the chill

I packed with me the usual things
my worries and my fears
with hope the rain that winter brings
can wash away the tears

But when i reached the barren top
the sun burst through the grey
and all my pain came to a stop
all sadness washed away

I stood there for a little while
until the clouds came back
and then i left but with a smile
and sun in my backpack

So when my dreams are black and ill
and endless seems the night
from darkness i can climb that hill
... and walk into the light

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

I'm growing hair on my nose
its a sizeable plantation
it is healthy and it grows
without needing irrigation

even in the dark it shows
with no illumination
and nobody really knows
how to stop its propagation

and i can't find no cessation
its growing stronger through the years
and with some form of pollination
now it's growing in my ears

yet on my forehead decimation
it's all so very strange
i guess it's no longer my imagination
but proof of climate change

Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

I'm no poet really
all i do is rhyme
writing poems silly
simple, short but I'm

trying to write longer
poems with more heart
so you think I'm stronger
and a bit more smart

but unfortunately I'll
never be that guy
though if i leave you with a smile
this poem's worth a try

in my previous life i was
a great big wandering albatross

which is why i love to fly
staring at the big blue sky

that's why i sometimes stare for ages
at my atlas and it's pages

and when there's ocean on the map
that's when my both wings start to flap

so when my next life comes around
you'll know exactly where i'm found

Maybe life is just a dream
part of my imagination
then this life i have would seem
having a better explanation

With a complete understanding
of the current situation
Why each day at home I'm spending
living in this isolation

Why I'm seeing so much harm
only nightmares might allow
My last hope rests with my alarm
because i need to wake up now

Leo was a boy from Pisa
who had a nose so great
when sneezing even Mona Lisa
could not keep her face straight

and once at supper all there got
heavenly impressed
when Leo with his load of snot
everybody blessed

and every time a sneeze he let
he had such graceful style
that it was nothing to sneeze at
and made Mona Lisa smile

she has my juices flowing
and she makes me sweat
on my shirt its clearly showing
with both armpits wet

she has me agitated
with my eyelids twitching
both cheeks blood red activated
and the beard itching

she has me my words mumbling
and i keep on tripping
my hands are all things fumbling
and brain hemispheres flipping

she has me all at sea
while my heart skips a beat
there is a girl who's making me
brain dead with two left feet

I don’t think I will ever see
a poem as silly about a tree

a tree that is great for spying
at my neighbour by the pool lying

a tree that in the shade feels nice
with trunk that's as smooth as her thighs

a tree that's perfect for a rest
where underneath i touched her breast

and also further more to boot
among its roots I got a root

and in it’s branches there’s still a pair
of her pink laced underwear

this poem made me a little hard
thank God for the big tree in my yard

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

A blast of the morning sun
gave my face a slap
yelling loudly "wake up hon
It’s no time to nap"

Screaming "get up from your bed
I’ve been up for an hour
Brush your teeth, clear your head
and then hit the shower

Go outside, run and play
stop all your complaining
tomorrow you can sleep all day
when it will be raining"

i bought a brand new car
with four shiny wheels
it's better than my last by far
and nothing in it squeals

it gets me now from A to B
without breaking down
and i can even get to C
or drive it into town

it's radio always plays on cue
and it comes with air
although my old car had air too
with windscreen in repair

but this car starts every time
when i turn the key
i dont get covered in some grime
and doesn't smell like ***

so this friday about five
i'll take my friends and we
are going for the longest drive
as far away as D

i like thunderstorms
a show that's most impressive
i like the way one grows and forms
before it gets aggressive

i like how it stands from the crowd
with it's anvil head
the mighty cumulonimbus cloud
is one cloud that's turned bad

i like it as it's getting closer
as the night sky flickers
and then arrives like a bulldozer
that you might need clean knickers

Some say it's written in the stars
that's why my eyes look up
Some say that it is swirling round
with tea leaves in a cup

Some say our palms read like a leaf
and tell us when we'll fall
Some say they see it all in cards
some in a crystal ball

Some say they can interpret dreams
but i think it's pure lies
I read my future from one look
all written in your eyes

between mighty France and Spain
on the Pyrenean chain

on the map there is a dot
there's of people not a lot

an airport there does not exist
it cant because of clouds and mist

and there's not a lot to see
unless you want to go and ski

of things to do there's no plethora
that's why i want to see Andorra

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

something's telling me this morning
today i will be hating
i can tell from how i'm yawning
and how i'm urinating

i can tell from how i'm brushing
and from how i'm shaving
i can sense it in the way i'm rushing
and goodbye to my wife waving

something's telling me today
things might come to blows
if something someone has to say
about the big zit on my nose

i love my job, i really do
that's what i tell my boss
he doesn't know that none is true
and i don't give a toss

ever since my interview
which was filled with lies
my education's made up too
and the degree's some other guys

that daily meeting i go to
is usually at the pub
while the next one in the queue
is at the striptease club

at other times i'm on the phone
or breaks for cigarettes
an hour on the toilet throne
i'm placing gambling bets

so i guess it must be true
that since i started work
i hate my job, i really do
but love it's every perk

Love is rare as gold
or like a precious stone
but it can't be bought or sold
you won't get it with a loan

Many have searched far and wide
in mountains and in streams
some have even for it died
in others stayed as dreams

and some were left with broken hearts
and thrown into the dark
then suddenly the gold rush starts
when love starts with a spark

He had a calming presence
as others all cried foul
and ran around like pheasants
while he sat like an owl

composed, cool and collected
as others looked to blame
he slowly dots connected
then carefully took aim

but he didn't swoop
and no one was empowered
when all he did was his pants ****
then ran off like a coward

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

day by day i'm more invisible
i see it at the shops
and a little less noticeable
even by the cops

more frequently i'm ignored
when i ask for assistance
i think the world is getting bored
of my here existence

perhaps i will soon be a ghost
i'm already getting grey
and be on a missing persons post
last seen in shops in May

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

I need to reinvent my wheel
from going round and round
It makes my head spin and i feel
like I am nowhere bound

Every day i get more dizzy
from the same repeating
All my hair is turning frizzy
and my brain's overheating

Stuck in a perpetual roll
something has to give
before my journey hits the wall
I need to stop and live

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence

I remember when an *******
happened every day
gave me so much satisfaction
and many hours of play

then the frequency had dropped
with satisfaction being drab
and in fact it would have stopped
if it wasn't for the web

but now all that i see harden
are the calluses on my hands
from many hours in the garden
the satisfaction never ends

from the very first day
i knew she was the one
she turned my skies to blue from grey
and i could see the sun

and now ten thousand hot days later
she's still top of my ladder
the temperature has not been greater
and i'm not talking about the weather

My neighbours across the street
are somewhat bizarre
not once did we ever greet
they don't even have a car

They're playing music very loud
and often there's a party
on weekends always there's a crowd
and all the girls dress tarty

Maybe they're just much too young
of friendship there's no hope
especially after i got sprung
with my telescope

It was on sale at half price
light blue with a slim fit
The suit felt tight but I looked nice
so quickly I bought it

I wore it almost every day
proudly with confidence
I even wore it to LA
for a week long conference

I strutted knowing I look best
one girl said I look cute
until I noticed she was also dressed
in the exact same ladies suit

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

Je ne cigarette rien

My first love wasn't for a girl
but i fell for a cloud
one that would to heavens curl
mighty strong and proud

and I loved every single type
from Cirrus through to Stratus
while Cumulonimbus took most of the hype
i even loved Mammatus

then all i ever wanted to do
was to learn more about the weather
but then I met a girl like you
and now we love these clouds together

Home is where the heart is
there is no journey shorter
all it takes is one quick ****
thanks to the aorta

my big toe says hello
proudly in charge wiggling
there's four more in a row
right beside him giggling

last in line is pinky
who's on the edges scraping
in my socks hates being stinky
keeps through a hole escaping

I've heard some say they smell
as do some fancy cheeses
but i have walked with them through hell
and on water just like Jesus

Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

a very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
its fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

but the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

In the jungle far away
there was a very angry bee
he scared all that's in his way
and chased the monkeys up the tree

he bit the baboon on the ***
and made the elephant walk upright
he caused the lemurs lips be numb
and then turned the chameleon white

he stopped the playful giant otter
from having all his fun
he got the leopard into a spot of bother
and even got the sloth to run

but his rage was doomed to fail
when the lion he tried to sting
with one slap of his mighty tail
the lion continued to be king