diets do not work
as hunger they increase
and you can eat a whole roast pork
soon as you dieting cease

and when combined with exercise
a diet more backfires
how will you burn that steak and fries
when your gym membership expires

there is one way to lose that weight
a more permanent reduction
and a marriage contemplate
with a nurse in liposuction

My world is still a little sadder
since you're no longer here
after climbing your starry ladder
way past the stratosphere

Then further out beyond the moon
and into the unknown
you left one morning much too soon
and to the darkness flown

but sometimes there's a shooting star
that flashes in the sky
so I know on those nights you are
still somewhere nearby

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

Some girls have formed a rumour
I climbed out of a grave
and though i have a sense of humour
I belong in a cave

That babies look at me and stare
then begin to cry
One mother once fell off her chair
when i was walking by

Cats get scared and start to hiss
dogs begin to growl
I've seen drivers red lights miss
and police sirens howl

They said only a mother could
love a face like mine
maybe it's why she often would
drink massive loads of wine

So I don't know what you saw in me
on the day we met
but gosh we worked out beautifully
and I'm still ugly as a bat

I need a second chance
to come on my door knocking
for Lady Luck to my way glance
with something from her stocking

while Father Christmas also should
be getting me a present
for far too long i have been good
and been to my wife pleasant

and also God with some good deed
should play a major factor
but maybe what i really need
is the whole trifecta

He died doing what he loved
when killed by a goat
who while hunting his gun shoved
deep inside his throat

then the goat pulled the trigger
and his guts exploded
while the goat began to snigger
and the gun reloaded

then it shot him in the head
right between the eyes
sometimes a hunting trip turns bad
and the hunter dies

Would my existence still be bliss
surviving via photosynthesis

Relying on the sun's bright light
and never take a single bite

Requiring like a thousand leaves
To dinner never roll my sleeves

and never once I'll lick my plate
or blissfully out loud defecate

I think I just answered my own question
It's bliss surviving via digestion

"Who are you ?" said the sea
I am a grain of sand
a tiny speck down here, that's me
where all my days i spend

My name you'll never know
who wants to know a grain
Your waves they always come and go
but here i remain

and for you here I'll wait
to take me in your swirl
Although I'm small my dreams are great
of one day being a pearl

between mighty France and Spain
on the Pyrenean chain

on the map there is a dot
there's of people not a lot

an airport there does not exist
it cant because of clouds and mist

and there's not a lot to see
unless you want to go and ski

of things to do there's no plethora
that's why i want to see Andorra

in my next life i don't want to be
an ant, a cockroach or a flea

i don't want to scamper, hop or walk
but fly up high just like a hawk

or maybe more just like a kite
so you can reel me in at night

and also from rain keep me dry
so tomorrow once more i can fly

and when by winds my spine is shattered
and my whole frame is bruised and battered

on that day you may cut me free
please God don't turn me to a flea

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

It’s nice being in our bed
While outside it is raining
On my chest your head
for once is not complaining

We are both snugly warm
Beneath our blankets napping
While outside there’s a fierce storm
That’s on our windows tapping

It feels like we are in heaven
Away from winter's harm
Then suddenly at 5.57
I’m thrown to hell by my alarm

I'm growing hair on my nose
its a sizeable plantation
it is healthy and it grows
without needing irrigation

even in the dark it shows
with no illumination
and nobody really knows
how to stop its propagation

and i can't find no cessation
its growing stronger through the years
and with some form of pollination
now it's growing in my ears

yet on my forehead decimation
it's all so very strange
i guess it's no longer my imagination
but proof of climate change

I love playing trivia
gives me such a buzz
What's the capital of Bolivia
surely it's La Paz

sometimes i love to dabble
and games with words try
that's why i love scrabble
so please don't quizzify

but there's one game i love more
it's the game of life
I'm playing since turning 24
and you're still my wife

Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

my cat hates my brand new toy
i feel it in his glance
it's something he'd like to destroy
given half a chance

i see it in his stealthy walk
and hear it in his meow
i know if he could learn to talk
he would be swearing now

it used to be him on my lap
getting all attention
but now a constant tap tap tap
from some weird invention

I think he wants me to understand
who's still king of this house
when i found what blocked my toilet bend
was my missing wireless mouse

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

the best days lie ahead
waiting like an old friend
like a book yet to be read
like a gift that's still unopened

the best nights are yet to come
with a song not sung in ages
and your feet will dance to some
as the heart pens it's best pages

the best words are still unspoken
but they're waiting to come out
the best day waits to be awoken
with a loud i love you shout

i found there is this thing
its kind of like an extra wing

it helps me climb up off the ground
and gives me strength when none is found

then sometimes it feels like a sword
and helps me fight with every word

and on the days when i am weak
it becomes my walking stick

today though it became a pen
and helped me write out that i can

from this endless downward *****
climb once again,
with this thing called hope

no more apples, no more pears
the first peaches have come in
give me fruit with lots of hairs
that's dribbling down my chin

give me nectarines and plums
with no tooth breaking crunch
no more sore and bleeding gums
after every munch

let your taste buds all be thrilled
before its all forgotten
soon my pantry will be filled
with apples all half rotten

would you love me still
if i had two noses
i could blow them hard until
I'd split the sea like Moses

would you love me tender
if i had no pelvis
would you return me back to sender
or get me hips like Elvis

would our love become a dream
and would your love be gone
if i batted for the other team
just like Elton John

Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

It's an exploding ball of mass
filled with putrid noxious gas

Emitting deadly radiation
and heat beyond imagination

with burst of massive solar flares
that quickly would burn all your hairs

so thank your stars you're from one far
for in a twinkle you'd be char

i bought a brand new car
with four shiny wheels
it's better than my last by far
and nothing in it squeals

it gets me now from A to B
without breaking down
and i can even get to C
or drive it into town

it's radio always plays on cue
and it comes with air
although my old car had air too
with windscreen in repair

but this car starts every time
when i turn the key
i dont get covered in some grime
and doesn't smell like ***

so this friday about five
i'll take my friends and we
are going for the longest drive
as far away as D

There's one way to the moon
it's via a rocket ship
you'll get there pretty soon
a most expensive trip

but i might take my time
because i found another
I'll use some words and rhyme
and get there via a ladder

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

My ocean is no longer blue
nor is it far and wide
and sea birds that above it flew
have disappeared and died

The sun has nowhere left to set
and moon no place to shimmer
there is no wind to steal my hat
and all the stars shine dimmer

The waves don't play for you and me
without our footprints in the sand
and when the sun kisses the sea
there's no touch of your hand

So while my eyes cannot see you
I'm sure of one thing then
my ocean never will be blue
until we meet again

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

Je ne cigarette rien

my poetry is simple
and very very silly
it often rhymes with pimple
and sometimes with a *****

its never complicated
but very very light
long words are overrated
and hard to read at night

it can be also curious
and very very weird
sometimes as mysterious
as my girlfriends beard

they say that life is short
that's very very true
so laugh until you start to snort
and be so very you

Water equals life
they both go hand in hand
like a credit card and a wife
two best friends till the end

I'm no poet really
all i do is rhyme
writing poems silly
simple, short but I'm

trying to write longer
poems with more heart
so you think I'm stronger
and a bit more smart

but unfortunately I'll
never be that guy
though if i leave you with a smile
this poem's worth a try

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

i bought a lovely home
on a lovely street
the front yard has a gnome
the backyard looks a treat

I've met my neighbour too
who first seemed rather nice
but then he said he knew
i've paid too high a price

and so i realised
that i have dropped my anchor
buying a home well overpriced
next to a nosy ******

he loved the mountains, she loved the ocean
but yet they got along
she loved it quiet, he loved commotion
they loved the same sad song

she loved to walk, he loved to run
they both loved staying fit
he loved the rain. she loved the sun
they loved to watch and sit

they loved to do the things together
alone they would have hated
love is surprising like the weather
and why meteorology is complicated

i want to sleep for three months long
and then a little more
on a bed that's great and strong
and big enough for four

i wont set my alarm to six
i wont be hitting snooze
and for the whole of 13 weeks
I'll hear no morning news

nor will i hear those dumb birds sing
or see that stupid sun
and i will not hear my phone ring
till 90 days are done

so while i snore please feed my cat
and water all my flowers
sweet dreams, goodnight, my alarm is set
in 2160 hours

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

don't want a life that is a race
against the hands of time
but move more at a snails pace
comfortable in slime

don't want a life that's in a rush
with many twisting bends
but simple with a toilet flush
when my last day ends

don't want a life that's always mad
with every day so hectic
life stinks so slow it down a tad
with lots of antiseptic

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

she has my juices flowing
and she makes me sweat
on my shirt its clearly showing
with both armpits wet

she has me agitated
with my eyelids twitching
both cheeks blood red activated
and the beard itching

she has me my words mumbling
and i keep on tripping
my hands are all things fumbling
and brain hemispheres flipping

she has me all at sea
while my heart skips a beat
there is a girl who's making me
brain dead with two left feet

when life throws you a bone
don't bark woof woof woof
what if no more is thrown
that would be a goof

so just look cute and happy
and you will have enough
pretending you are still a puppy
barking ruff ruff ruff

My first love wasn't for a girl
but i fell for a cloud
one that would to heavens curl
mighty strong and proud

and I loved every single type
from Cirrus through to Stratus
while Cumulonimbus took most of the hype
i even loved Mammatus

then all i ever wanted to do
was to learn more about the weather
but then I met a girl like you
and now we love these clouds together

day by day i'm more invisible
i see it at the shops
and a little less noticeable
even by the cops

more frequently i'm ignored
when i ask for assistance
i think the world is getting bored
of my here existence

perhaps i will soon be a ghost
i'm already getting grey
and be on a missing persons post
last seen in shops in May

I don’t think I will ever see
a poem as silly about a tree

a tree that is great for spying
at my neighbour by the pool lying

a tree that in the shade feels nice
with trunk that's as smooth as her thighs

a tree that's perfect for a rest
where underneath i touched her breast

and also further more to boot
among its roots I got a root

and in it’s branches there’s still a pair
of her pink laced underwear

this poem made me a little hard
thank God for the big tree in my yard

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence