There's one way to the moon
it's via a rocket ship
you'll get there pretty soon
a most expensive trip

but i might take my time
because i found another
I'll use some words and rhyme
and get there via a ladder

"Who are you ?" said the sea
I am a grain of sand
a tiny speck down here, that's me
where all my days i spend

My name you'll never know
who wants to know a grain
Your waves they always come and go
but here i remain

and for you here I'll wait
to take me in your swirl
Although I'm small my dreams are great
of one day being a pearl

Breakfast is the least important meal
that i don't want to taste
those extra calories only will
add inches to my waist

why should i have a french toast
or pancakes with some honey
who on earth would want most
to have their eggs a little runny

or an omelette with some cheese
with fresh fried strips of bacon
so tell me who wants breakfast please
or have i been mistaken ?

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

i want to sleep for three months long
and then a little more
on a bed that's great and strong
and big enough for four

i wont set my alarm to six
i wont be hitting snooze
and for the whole of 13 weeks
I'll hear no morning news

nor will i hear those dumb birds sing
or see that stupid sun
and i will not hear my phone ring
till 90 days are done

so while i snore please feed my cat
and water all my flowers
sweet dreams, goodnight, my alarm is set
in 2160 hours

Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

It's an exploding ball of mass
filled with putrid noxious gas

Emitting deadly radiation
and heat beyond imagination

with burst of massive solar flares
that quickly would burn all your hairs

so thank your stars you're from one far
for in a twinkle you'd be char

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

Neanderthal man does exist
he's been located not too far
across the road i saw him ******
at my local bar

he doesn't quite yet walk upright
he's often on all fours
he hasn't learned to be polite
or how to open doors

he has developed how to speak
but mostly they are grunts
he has learned well to use his ****
on all the nearby plants

there's Neanderthal woman too
and she is very loud
she uses that so she can woo
the right mate from a crowd

of them there is large commune
so I'll make a bold prediction
i don't think any time too soon
they're heading for extinction

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

what if i could start again
and be somebody else
board a very different train
with fewer ***** smells

board a very different flight
with less turbulence
end up winning every fight
not in an ambulance

what if there's a highway
from this prison grid
where i can do it my way
like Sinatra did

don't want a life that is a race
against the hands of time
but move more at a snails pace
comfortable in slime

don't want a life that's in a rush
with many twisting bends
but simple with a toilet flush
when my last day ends

don't want a life that's always mad
with every day so hectic
life stinks so slow it down a tad
with lots of antiseptic

Strawberries really are
from another planet
arriving from a nearby star
in their little punnet

A big dollop of fresh cream
splashed down the next day
from a nightime sparkling stream
called the milky way

Deep from space they both arrived
and our senses swirled
with a taste that's still described
as out of this world

I've read my poems to my dog
he didn't even bark
his tail wagged when i read walk
and ran off to the park

I've read my poems to a drunk
a time that i regret
when i recoiled from how he stunk
he pinched a cigarette

I've read my poems at my confession
the priest then started snoring
and my psychologist at our weekly session
my words he found most worrying

I've read my poems while you slept
don't think you found them fun
my poems are best to myself kept
and they make my dog run

It was then on a winters day
I climbed a nearby hill
When clouds were sad and hurtful grey
and so cruel was the chill

I packed with me the usual things
my worries and my fears
with hope the rain that winter brings
can wash away the tears

But when i reached the barren top
the sun burst through the grey
and all my pain came to a stop
all sadness washed away

I stood there for a little while
until the clouds came back
and then i left but with a smile
and sun in my backpack

So when my dreams are black and ill
and endless seems the night
from darkness i can climb that hill
... and walk into the light

between mighty France and Spain
on the Pyrenean chain

on the map there is a dot
there's of people not a lot

an airport there does not exist
it cant because of clouds and mist

and there's not a lot to see
unless you want to go and ski

of things to do there's no plethora
that's why i want to see Andorra

Some say it's written in the stars
that's why my eyes look up
Some say that it is swirling round
with tea leaves in a cup

Some say our palms read like a leaf
and tell us when we'll fall
Some say they see it all in cards
some in a crystal ball

Some say they can interpret dreams
but i think it's pure lies
I read my future from one look
all written in your eyes

day by day i'm more invisible
i see it at the shops
and a little less noticeable
even by the cops

more frequently i'm ignored
when i ask for assistance
i think the world is getting bored
of my here existence

perhaps i will soon be a ghost
i'm already getting grey
and be on a missing persons post
last seen in shops in May

in my previous life i was
a great big wandering albatross

which is why i love to fly
staring at the big blue sky

that's why i sometimes stare for ages
at my atlas and it's pages

and when there's ocean on the map
that's when my both wings start to flap

so when my next life comes around
you'll know exactly where i'm found

i'm showing early signs
that i'm getting older
i know things about wines
and winter's seem much colder

while summer's feel too hot
and longer home i sit
of chance there's not a lot
that in my jeans i'll fit

my head is losing hair
and ears are them growing
my forehead makes a glare
in photographs it's glowing

i hate it when it's sunny
or when it is raining
i'm complaining about money
and about money i'm complaining

and seems i'm never happy
and making fewer friends
since i started wearing a *****
for my urinary incontinence

Eggs aren't very funny
They don't like cracking jokes
or things could get a little runny
from their spilling yolks

and eggs unfortunately never will
have humorous tales to tell
but my stomach laughs with every meal
when they come out of their shell

It’s nice being in our bed
While outside it is raining
On my chest your head
for once is not complaining

We are both snugly warm
Beneath our blankets napping
While outside there’s a fierce storm
That’s on our windows tapping

It feels like we are in heaven
Away from winter's harm
Then suddenly at 5.57
I’m thrown to hell by my alarm

I'm growing hair on my nose
its a sizeable plantation
it is healthy and it grows
without needing irrigation

even in the dark it shows
with no illumination
and nobody really knows
how to stop its propagation

and i can't find no cessation
its growing stronger through the years
and with some form of pollination
now it's growing in my ears

yet on my forehead decimation
it's all so very strange
i guess it's no longer my imagination
but proof of climate change

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

He had a calming presence
as others all cried foul
and ran around like pheasants
while he sat like an owl

composed, cool and collected
as others looked to blame
he slowly dots connected
then carefully took aim

but he didn't swoop
and no one was empowered
when all he did was his pants ****
then ran off like a coward

she has my juices flowing
and she makes me sweat
on my shirt its clearly showing
with both armpits wet

she has me agitated
with my eyelids twitching
both cheeks blood red activated
and the beard itching

she has me my words mumbling
and i keep on tripping
my hands are all things fumbling
and brain hemispheres flipping

she has me all at sea
while my heart skips a beat
there is a girl who's making me
brain dead with two left feet

My first love wasn't for a girl
but i fell for a cloud
one that would to heavens curl
mighty strong and proud

and I loved every single type
from Cirrus through to Stratus
while Cumulonimbus took most of the hype
i even loved Mammatus

then all i ever wanted to do
was to learn more about the weather
but then I met a girl like you
and now we love these clouds together

"Why oh why" she cried and cried
trying on a dress
in a shop she tried and tried
without much success

all the while she swore and swore
pulling bit by bit
as she struggled more and more
into that dress fit

and when she almost did the zip
as she huffed and puffed
whole shop heard a mighty rip
and we laughed and laughed

i used to wish
to be a fish
but now i have my doubts
what if i end up as a dish
next to brussel sprouts

i'd rather choose
to be a goose
and lay the golden egg
but on a plate who could refuse
egg pasta with my leg

i might have luck
being a duck
and fly free as a mallard
but that could also come unstuck
next to a beetroot salad

i think i can
just be a man
unless God has a wish
and he's cooked up a different plan
where i'm a great white's dish

i like thunderstorms
a show that's most impressive
i like the way one grows and forms
before it gets aggressive

i like how it stands from the crowd
with it's anvil head
the mighty cumulonimbus cloud
is one cloud that's turned bad

i like it as it's getting closer
as the night sky flickers
and then arrives like a bulldozer
that you might need clean knickers

Maybe life is just a dream
part of my imagination
then this life i have would seem
having a better explanation

With a complete understanding
of the current situation
Why each day at home I'm spending
living in this isolation

Why I'm seeing so much harm
only nightmares might allow
My last hope rests with my alarm
because i need to wake up now

My neighbours across the street
are somewhat bizarre
not once did we ever greet
they don't even have a car

They're playing music very loud
and often there's a party
on weekends always there's a crowd
and all the girls dress tarty

Maybe they're just much too young
of friendship there's no hope
especially after i got sprung
with my telescope

I'm no poet really
all i do is rhyme
writing poems silly
simple, short but I'm

trying to write longer
poems with more heart
so you think I'm stronger
and a bit more smart

but unfortunately I'll
never be that guy
though if i leave you with a smile
this poem's worth a try

i chose my women based on looks
not their intelligence
most were only one page books
lacking all suspense

so this time i chose wisely
with you i'm on page two
this story's going very nicely
i wonder who kills who

Leo was a boy from Pisa
who had a nose so great
when sneezing even Mona Lisa
could not keep her face straight

and once at supper all there got
heavenly impressed
when Leo with his load of snot
everybody blessed

and every time a sneeze he let
he had such graceful style
that it was nothing to sneeze at
and made Mona Lisa smile

We had a great connection
but it came with a twist
she liked to show me her affection
with her right hand fist

and she liked her cursing
with colourful forms of grammar
she often liked to be conversing
by spitting like a llama

but most of all she enjoyed
a swift form of reply
like all those times I her annoyed
and got a left black eye

I need to reinvent my wheel
from going round and round
It makes my head spin and i feel
like I am nowhere bound

Every day i get more dizzy
from the same repeating
All my hair is turning frizzy
and my brain's overheating

Stuck in a perpetual roll
something has to give
before my journey hits the wall
I need to stop and live

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

Puberty starts in your teens
unless of course you're Greek
Somehow it is in their genes
to start in their first week

By the time they're ten years old
it is almost done
There's no patch left that is bald
and eyebrows become one

and still there is no relaxing
it grows for worse or better
The women all continue waxing
and all men grow a sweater

and some grew hair like horses manes
with reputations great almighty
you might know a couple famous names
like Hairystotle and Hairphroditee

a very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
its fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

but the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

i love my job, i really do
that's what i tell my boss
he doesn't know that none is true
and i don't give a toss

ever since my interview
which was filled with lies
my education's made up too
and the degree's some other guys

that daily meeting i go to
is usually at the pub
while the next one in the queue
is at the striptease club

at other times i'm on the phone
or breaks for cigarettes
an hour on the toilet throne
i'm placing gambling bets

so i guess it must be true
that since i started work
i hate my job, i really do
but love it's every perk

koala sleeping on a tree
rain then started pouring
a wintry spell
the big tree fell
koala kept on snoring

Side to side she swung her hips
with legs that stretched a mile
and with her lipstick laden lips
she'd strangers send a smile

All the men would stare and drool
with every step she took
and they would break each traffic rule
to get another look

All the women they would glance
and quietly whisper *****
they wished that given half a chance
their skirts could that high reach

Her each stride was so mesmerising
and in attention all engrossed
but the universe has laws equalising
as she then walked into a post

I remember when an *******
happened every day
gave me so much satisfaction
and many hours of play

then the frequency had dropped
with satisfaction being drab
and in fact it would have stopped
if it wasn't for the web

but now all that i see harden
are the calluses on my hands
from many hours in the garden
the satisfaction never ends

i bought a lovely home
on a lovely street
the front yard has a gnome
the backyard looks a treat

I've met my neighbour too
who first seemed rather nice
but then he said he knew
i've paid too high a price

and so i realised
that i have dropped my anchor
buying a home well overpriced
next to a nosy ******

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

from the very first day
i knew she was the one
she turned my skies to blue from grey
and i could see the sun

and now ten thousand hot days later
she's still top of my ladder
the temperature has not been greater
and i'm not talking about the weather

A blast of the morning sun
gave my face a slap
yelling loudly "wake up hon
It’s no time to nap"

Screaming "get up from your bed
I’ve been up for an hour
Brush your teeth, clear your head
and then hit the shower

Go outside, run and play
stop all your complaining
tomorrow you can sleep all day
when it will be raining"