Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

The concept of eternity
is a little daunting
trying to grasp it's enormity
is all of my dreams haunting

The answers that I've found
are beyond my understanding
as my beliefs are formed around
a beginning and an ending

So this notion of forever
is too big for my small brain
all i can do is be clever
writing poems in a quatrain

a very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
its fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

but the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

Water equals life
they both go hand in hand
like a credit card and a wife
two best friends till the end

the law of averages is pretty clear
I'll live to 78
drinking 79,000 cans of beer
and 20 kilo's overweight

consuming 60,000 cans of cokes
with 14,000 burgers, shakes and fries
smoking about half a million smokes
with half a million coughs, surprise !

and i will have 1.6 wife's
with 9.66 cats
joining the 99% of married lives
where 99% stay in debts

which leaves me with just one percent
so i think it's pretty clear
that no one wants a 79th birthday spent
without drinking beer

baldness is hereditary
thanks a lot dad
thanks for being very hairy
all over but your head

though it might be from my mum
where i'll inherit more
who loves drinking gin and ***
and louder than dad snore

what if it skips a generation
and i get grandmas genes
who can wipe out a small nation
after eating beans

maybe even worse it gets
and i get most from grandpa
who suffered from tourettes
with that awful ******* temper

every outcome's diabolic
with my genetic inheritance
my future is a balding alcoholic
with no ******* friends

Side to side she swung her hips
with legs that stretched a mile
and with her lipstick laden lips
she'd strangers send a smile

All the men would stare and drool
with every step she took
and they would break each traffic rule
to get another look

All the women they would glance
and quietly whisper *****
they wished that given half a chance
their skirts could that high reach

Her each stride was so mesmerising
and in attention all engrossed
but the universe has laws equalising
as she then walked into a post

i bought a lovely home
on a lovely street
the front yard has a gnome
the backyard looks a treat

I've met my neighbour too
who first seemed rather nice
but then he said he knew
i've paid too high a price

and so i realised
that i have dropped my anchor
buying a home well overpriced
next to a nosy ******

i chose my women based on looks
not their intelligence
most were only one page books
lacking all suspense

so this time i chose wisely
with you i'm on page two
this story's going very nicely
i wonder who kills who

A happy lot they danced all night
beside a nearby lamp
Around its fire burning white
they set a lifelong camp

But one moth looked into the sky
and closed his old cocoon
with all his strength he launched to fly
and headed for the moon

While on the oceans of the night
his eyes could finally see
that hope of a distant light
can only set you free

And as the moon brightly shone
the little moth did die
but i know his dream flutters on
to his lamp in the sky

and by the seventh day God didn't rest
no that's when he got busy
some sauce and cheese, a chicken breast
then salt and pepper, easy

a glass of wine or maybe four
then called to all his mates
to dance their butts off on the floor
at the heavens gates

this Sunday also is my wish
for a taste of paradise
few friends, some wine, a chicken dish
then salt and pepper, nice

i wish i was a fly
on your bedroom wall
so i could on you spy
and on all of your things crawl

when you're fast asleep
i could have my way
cause I'd know where you keep
your **** lingerie

I'd rub my hands in glee
when you are in the shower
i know I'd get to see
you naked for an hour

my life with you I'll spend
and have a fun filled caper
knowing today it could quickly end
with yesterdays newspaper

If there is a heaven
I'm booking the next flight
on a 747
I'll get there overnight

might even get myself a treat
and pay a little more
sitting in a first class seat
a glass of champagne pour

and i might even have another
you need to travel well
flying economy I'd rather
be going straight to hell

One look in my direction
makes both of my knees weaken
My life gets an injection
that's making my heart quicken

My ears both start ringing
while I to get cross eyed
My stomach then starts singing
growling deep inside

My armpits both start sweating
as do both my palms
My lips are quietly chatting
"I want you in my arms"

Please don't think I'm nuts
with my sudden transformation
your one look makes me spill my guts
with far too much information

women do not ****
till after they are married
this problem strangely doesn't start
till through the door they're carried

this happened on our wedding night
soon after our first kiss
i got an unexpected fright
from hearing something hiss

and my excitement took a slide
from odours legendary
that evening something in me died
along with our canary

I found myself in a bar
with a girl from Russia
We drank and laughed hahaha
her name was Natasha

But as we drank more and more
the laughs came to a stall
when Natasha walked through the door
and used the ****** on the wall

After the massive shock i had
I asked him to explain
Vlad hahaha laughed and then said
I'm also from Ukraine

They say that life begins at forty
when you slow down and get less sporty
when you stop chasing after *****
becoming serious with less LoL's
and the only thing that's funny
is finding ways to get more money
with changes in your conversation
how you could better lead our nation
introducing some new legislation
discussing what's best for constipation
which should aid in defecation
lessening your heart's palpitation...
....
but i think my life began the day
when i saw you walk my way
and with that first initial greeting
i felt my heart then started beating
and since that first enchanting glance
it continues still to dance
this happened when i was twenty two
while playing football for a team in blue

he loved the mountains, she loved the ocean
but yet they got along
she loved it quiet, he loved commotion
they loved the same sad song

she loved to walk, he loved to run
they both loved staying fit
he loved the rain. she loved the sun
they loved to watch and sit

they loved to do the things together
alone they would have hated
love is surprising like the weather
and why meteorology is complicated

Breakfast is my lightest meal
said the killer whale
My day begins with shrimp and krill
on a massive scale

Then at lunch i would grab
a more substantial dish
I usually crunch a giant crab
with a cuttlefish

But dinner is when i let loose
with a monster meal
That involves an octopus
wrapped around a seal

While all this killing is admired
i sometimes feel the shame
But there's no plankton only diet
with killer in your name

Oysters taste like snot
and look like it i suppose
The difference there looks not a lot
to what comes from my nose

It seems like they are sniffed
instead of being eaten
in one move very swift
without once being bitten

There's really no solution
but to sloppily one inhale
Like the french since the revolution
been devouring the garden snail

My jokes are all light hearted
lighter than a feather
none have hiccups started
or cause leakage from their bladder

No one has rolled on the floor
in stitches and in tears
no one has begged "please no more"
covering their ears

All my jokes end with no laughter
and none i have seen smiling
this is usually followed after
their fingers police dialing

No man is an island
but some are like continents
with a massive highland
and no top button on their pants

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

Christmas has been cancelled
and the Easter break's in doubt
while all those holidays i have pencilled
can be all rubbed out

shortened will be my weekends
no Friday night pub crawl
no Saturday BBQ's with friends
or Sundays at the mall

from work for me there'll be no break
nil, zilch, zero, nada
my wife said this bag can't be fake
but has to be from Prada

Thank you for the memories

living underneath a rock
wouldn't be so terrible
without daylight and no clock
i might find preferable

where it's always quiet and cosy
with only raindrops tapping
hidden from those who are nosy
and their constant clacking

where no news is permeating
of all the worldwide violence
and only thing that's for me waiting
is a happy silence

on this idea i am sold
it fits me nice and snug
by my wife i am already called
a lazy useless slug

If our leaders were female
there would be no more wars
With extra spending in retail
while men do household chores

The sale of guns would be suspended
and replaced with flowers
Weekends would be all extended
along with shopping hours

Their policies joy would be bringing
and much more might get done
Our anthem being Cindy singing
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

or it might be "Heal the World"
like it was sung by Michael
before into a war were hurled
when they coincide their menstrual cycle

Goodbye, you’re getting fired
Pack up all your stuff
Your contract has now expired
The earth has had enough

I gave you a much bigger brain
And removed the tail
But you only caused me pain
On a massive scale

You never learned to properly share
but like a virus breed
You stripped my land and oceans bare
With endless selfish greed

You have done nothing of distinction
causing mass pollution
then the world’s worst extinction
And called it evolution

and you started now to spread
to the moon and mars
so this contract we must shred
before you reach the stars

I should never had you hired
Maybe I was dreaming
But we are done here and you’re fired
So my earth can stop screaming

when life throws you a bone
don't bark woof woof woof
what if no more is thrown
that would be a goof

so just look cute and happy
and you will have enough
pretending you are still a puppy
barking ruff ruff ruff

let's talk about the weather
a great conversation starter
makes men and women come together
from London to Jakarta

except for those in Singapore
where it's harder to be flirty
when everyday there's a storm at four
with a maximum of thirty

Everything we do on Earth
it's all so temporary
from the moment of our birth
to our obituary

From the ***** to the casket
were on a short lived journey
but we're adding so much to our basket
and requiring an attorney

Accumulating so much junk
could be our inherent flaw
to the next world you can't pack your trunk
I know as I studied law

I love playing trivia
gives me such a buzz
What's the capital of Bolivia
surely it's La Paz

sometimes i love to dabble
and games with words try
that's why i love scrabble
so please don't quizzify

but there's one game i love more
it's the game of life
I'm playing since turning 24
and you're still my wife

we're so tired of this rock
said the monkeys of Gibraltar
so we had a little talk
and we're moving off to Malta

we decided against Morocco
and it certainly won't be Spain
recently we saw a doco
all the apes there are insane

and we'll perish like the rhino
if that old queen has her way
moving with those great albino
fat gorillas in UK

time is a thief
with two very grubby hands
he makes the fun times brief
and shortens our weekends

then weekdays he stands still
especially nine to five
and makes our Mondays feel
that we might not survive

but then he’s on the move again
my watch is to him set
and he won’t stop till God knows when
or when my battery's flat

if i was a butterfly
i would not ask why
but flap my wings
while sunshine sings
soaring through the sky

if i was a fish
for nothing else I'd wish
but swim all day
as far away
so that I'm not a dish

if i was a man
and maybe i still can
but all i know
is words that flow
from sunshine in my pen

Everything will be OK
it will be fine my dear
just give me Tapas on a tray
and a glass of chilled Sangria

Being a man of great distinction
i won't be renown
a much more colorful depiction
is me being a clown

at first i may seem being mysterious
with a strange demeanor
but just when you think i am serious
i laugh like a hyena

most find my attitude annoying
and treat me as a fool
but i have been my life enjoying
since passing circus school

My ocean is no longer blue
nor is it far and wide
and sea birds that above it flew
have disappeared and died

The sun has nowhere left to set
and moon no place to shimmer
there is no wind to steal my hat
and all the stars shine dimmer

The waves don't play for you and me
without our footprints in the sand
and when the sun kisses the sea
there's no touch of your hand

So while my eyes cannot see you
I'm sure of one thing then
my ocean never will be blue
until we meet again

my husbands always eating
something always munching
when walking or when sitting
he's on some substance crunching

chocolates, lollies, nuts or chips
his mouth keeps salivating
there is something around his lips
like a cow he's masticating

meanwhile here is me
a tiny roll with cheese and ham
and on the bathroom scale i see
an extra kilogram

I used to Zinc back then
you were my Oxygen
a shoulder I could cry on
and as strong as Iron
but as the years passed
your love began to rust
and when I got the flick
I Zinc you were my Arsenic

The secret to a life of bliss
is sweet potato chips
I thought it might be in your kiss
but they weren't on your lips

and the more we kissed and kissed
my hunger amplified
and more and more their taste i missed
and was unsatisfied

so in my hand I grabbed a few
then made you on them crunch
and in your kiss I suddenly knew
the secret to eat lunch

I made friends with a bird
at my work during lunch
Then a second and then a third
then an entire hungry bunch

They ate out of my plate
and even from my hand
Every day we had a date
at twelve thirty planned

But after daylight savings
the clocks changed all of that
I found a new friend with hunger cravings
I made friends with a rat

Me speak english very good
people say me nice
and me never very rude
and me never lies

Me is working hard and long
and have many skill
Me is happy and is strong
but me nobody ****

Me is at work never drinking
maybe little bit
because too much me is thinking
me somebody hit

but me come work every day
and you pay me money
but if one day you not pay
me not very funny

he was a posh and pompous cat
with fur as smooth as silk
who didn't care much for a pat
or a bowl of milk

his claws were always manicured
with teeth sharp as a knife
in french he only out loud purred
next to his feline wife

who whilst being tiny and petite
was a clever cat
guess which cat landed on their feet
and which one went splat

I spotted a large mob
standing by the shore
There washed up was this huge blob
from the ocean floor

They poked at it with sticks
and some took photographs
A few threw rocks and gave it kicks
and you could hear their laughs

Then suddenly quiet it got
The blob began to throb
and then it swallowed the whole lot
with its almighty gob

From distance i could tell
that it had spotted me
It burped a massive last farewell
then vanished in the sea

a guy just needs his cave
that's all he really needs
and for an hour get a slave
to clean after he feeds

maybe for another hour
someone to do his cooking
he's not that good with eggs and flour
or for those utensils looking

a couple more hours would be nice
to do all his washing
and prepare a bite or slice
while his liquor glass is sloshing

and at the end of his hard day
he needs a minute maybe two
with somebody so he can have his way
that's why my cave needs you

i told her i'm a poet
that i write from the heart
but my latest poem no way i can show it
it's title is "the ****"

i told her that my words are serious
and my poetry complicated
but they were written when i was delirious
and oh so heavily inebriated

i told her that i got a prize
when a contest my poem won
but she doesn't know or realise
of participants there was just one

i told her i'll write for her too
so i think i better hurry
soon as i stop farting from that vindaloo
and last nights spicy chicken curry

I've added to my bucket list
a place not ordinary
i don't know how but its been missed
from my itinerary


its not mount Fuji, its not the Nile
or Paris London Rome
but its a place that makes me smile
a place i can call home


to get there i wont need a map
and i wont need a chart
my bucket list has only scrap
on my trip to your heart

before my golden sun
shines with a rusted hue
before my blue skies run
from smoke that chimneys spew

before my moon has found
no need to tame the nights
before my stars are drowned
in floods of neon lights

before a black storm looms
and acid rains descend
before my garden blooms
with concrete and cement

before my dreams are thrown
and locked in endless slumber
before i'm better known
to you as just a number

before the oceans rise
and all the forests fall
before every rose dries
and love withers with all

before this world of mine
becomes a children's fable
where once upon a time
to smile they were able

So, while sun golden shines
and skies are blue above
i ask, before i'm out of lines
who will tomorrow love ?