When i was in New York
I went to Central Pork
No not the place that's green
this was about cuisine
but more so was about the chops
a tiny place between the shops
where only pork's on sale
from snout through to it's tail
a place that's coloured pink
I'll forward you the link
because you can't go to Manhattan
buying only beef or mutton

Patience is a virtue, so
I better make this snappy
no big exotic words, oh no
but simple one's and happy

now I will write this quickly, yes
no need to show I'm smart
it's best to write fast and think less
with words straight from the heart

so while the moon shines bright above
and night is oh so starry
don't waste your time waiting for love
but grab it in a hurry

in my previous life i was
a great big wandering albatross

which is why i love to fly
staring at the big blue sky

that's why i sometimes stare for ages
at my atlas and it's pages

and when there's ocean on the map
that's when my both wings start to flap

so when my next life comes around
you'll know exactly where i'm found

This year I will need Santa
to bring us more than Fanta
and i don't mean world peace
our wars will never cease
and i don't mean more presents
they are for kids and peasants
but this year Santa Claus
must think hard and then pause
and moments before swooping in
spread love and joy with his vaccine

baldness is hereditary
thanks a lot dad
thanks for being very hairy
all over but your head

though it might be from my mum
where i'll inherit more
who loves drinking gin and ***
and louder than dad snore

what if it skips a generation
and i get grandmas genes
who can wipe out a small nation
after eating beans

maybe even worse it gets
and i get most from grandpa
who suffered from tourettes
with that awful ******* temper

every outcome's diabolic
with my genetic inheritance
my future is a balding alcoholic
with no ******* friends

i want to grow a beard
and maybe shave my head
so i can be more feared
and not look weak and sad

then get a hate tattoo
slapped across my fist
maybe one on my arm too
but my muscles don't exist

perhaps I'll get an eye patch
to make me look less wussy
but worst you'll get is a scratch
from me who's just a *****

Medical trauma is life changing
look at Jimmy Hendrix
He only started his guitar twanging
after his burst appendix

Similarly too **** Jagger
who was one of the unknowns
and only picked up all his swagger
after removal of his stones

and Madonna's inspiration
came from a top notch surgeon
after her new ***** implantation
she sang Like a ******

We are here, you and me
all because of luck
It's not that we were meant to be
that we're together stuck

It happened purely all by chance
the right time and right place
a simple act of coincidence
when we came face to face

and now we are a great success
bound together tightly
our luck almost started with an s
and that would have ****** slightly

Trying to find meaning
to all that is around
has me lately leaning
that no answers will be found

while my head keeps spinning
looking for a reason
as my years keep thinning
with each passing season

so as the moon keeps grinning
and stars all brightly shine
the only answer which has meaning
is tonight you are mine

Learning to levitate
so far has not been easy
I smashed my wine glass and a plate
and it made me dizzy

I thought it had worked on my cat
when he jumped in the air
but I think it turns out that
he freaked out from my stare

Then suddenly out of the blue
you lifted off the ground
after eating my home made vindaloo
and accompanied with a sound

I was with Tony, Frank and Javed
pre Christmas drinks with friends
and somehow that night they discovered
that i have woman's hands

they teased me with the way i point
and how i hold my beer
made fun of creams i might anoint
to keep them smooth and clear

they laughed that i sit down to ***
and made jokes immature
for my disorder doc's should see
if there's a manicure

to make them stop i was not able
"enough", i gave a shout
i banged my hands ******* the table
and then i stormed right out

then three days later with Jill and Maya
driving to post Christmas sales
i got both girls to change my tyre
that night i broke two nails

Love rhymes with glove
I think I know what that's about
it's that punch we get when we fall in love
which completely knocks us out

Then when we get up from the floor
with our heads still in a spin
all we want is to get punched more and more
and why love will always win

Twenty twenty will be known
as a year of the virus and vaccines
and also one where I have grown
that I can't fit in my jeans

Little spider on my ceiling
what are you from my house stealing ?
hope it's that annoying fly
that's been landing on my pie

or that moth which loved to dine
on my favourite Calvin Kline
perhaps it's that mosquito which
gave me that persistent itch

So hurry please leave out the door
where you can hunt and eat some more
because you don't want to be at all
like that last spider on my wall

relationships are so complicated
and lead to much confusion
i have easier isotopes isolated
and understood nuclear fusion

some can be most explosive
and actively unstable
often they are highly corrosive
and fall off the periodic table

a simpler formula i have been writing
where a bond can stronger grow
i want our chemistry to be as exciting
as a teabag has with H2O

The following is a little blurb
about a day I kissed the curb

Lying all night in the gutter
when whiskey was my bread and butter

Back in the days when all I knew
is hit the pub and have a few

Though few would always turn to many
that's when I lost my job then Jenny

Eventually all my friends moved on
Frank, Larry, Tony, Steve and John

and as I lay there in the rain
I heard a voice come from the drain

It said in a loud gurgling voice
tonight you'll have to make a choice

We can keep drinking in the sewer
or you can leave and be who you are

A man who might fulfill his dreams
or stay with me and hear the screams

and you will hear them day and night
that's when I woke and saw the light

A light that got me on my feet
and helped me stumble off the street

and I kept walking and slowly heal
until my dreams became all real

That was my brief life changing bit
I wrote here by our fire pit

while sipping a lemon honey tea
with Jenny sitting next to me

Obesity is a disease
which cant be taken lightly
The most obvious symptom is
that it looks unsightly

With lots of floppy bits
some swaying others flapping
Two very droopy ****
and a stomach that's heard clapping

I don't think that it's contagious
but impossible to stop
when your appetite is voracious
living next to a pizza shop

For a little rest i crave
Take off my shoes and hat
and upside down in a cave
hang just like a bat

Where its cosy and its dark
and water gently drips
Far away from peoples bark
and their frothing lips

I think i will stay for a while
maybe for some nights
and build a huge guano pile
on those nasty stalagmites

spring is here, no more gloom
goodbye winter woes
spring is here, with a bloom
hello runny nose

spring is here, with a breeze
but it comes with issues
spring is here, with a sneeze
give me lots of tissues

spring is here, full of snot
maybe call the plumber
spring is here, fun its not
hurry hurry summer

When nothing seems to be going right
... Turn left

He had a calming presence
as others all cried foul
and ran around like pheasants
while he sat like an owl

composed, cool and collected
as others looked to blame
he slowly dots connected
then carefully took aim

but he didn't swoop
and no one was empowered
when all he did was his pants ****
then ran off like a coward

Dad, your journey was amazing
i know some days were rough
but you loved to joke, and loved stargazing
and made those around you laugh

You also loved a drink or three
a smoke or maybe twenty
and you were always there for me
and mum you loved her plenty

Every stranger you would meet
would soon become your friend
and though you lived a life complete
each journey has an end

So dad until we meet again
my heart will feel these scars
but each night i'll still see you when
I gaze at the stars

come seventh day i took a rest
of work i had enough
fingers crossed hope for the best
i did it out of love

i built it all from nothingness
bit by bit and piece by piece
from massive monsters in Loch Ness
down to annoying fleas

and everything worked to a plan
with nothing left to give
my last creation was a man
then i ****** up with Eve

In the jungle far away
there was a very angry bee
he scared all that's in his way
and chased the monkeys up the tree

he bit the baboon on the ***
and made the elephant walk upright
he caused the lemurs lips be numb
and then turned the chameleon white

he stopped the playful giant otter
from having all his fun
he got the leopard into a spot of bother
and even got the sloth to run

but his rage was doomed to fail
when the lion he tried to sting
with one slap of his mighty tail
the lion continued to be king

I buy, she cooks, i eat
we have a perfect deal
from cakes to salads and with meat
she makes a perfect meal

I bring, she knits, i wear
her jumpers keep me warm
and though i look bit like a bear
I've survived every storm

I sit, she talks, i nod
about things sentimental
and at least she believes in God
not something transcendental

I mix, she pours, we drink
often one after another
we laugh, we sing that now i think
it's time i move in with your mother

Tyrannosaurus Rex
was a mighty carnivore
but when it came to love and ***
he was mighty poor

his two little awkward arms
were one of his flaws
he couldn't win the ladies charms
with his tiny claws

his smile too wasn't sweet
although it was great
it always had residual meat
from something he just ate

and then the comet crashed
his chance at love was over
our Rexy's hopes were dashed
of being a reptilian Casanova

what if i could start again
and be somebody else
board a very different train
with fewer ***** smells

board a very different flight
with less turbulence
end up winning every fight
not in an ambulance

what if there's a highway
from this prison grid
where i can do it my way
like Sinatra did

Don't forget to live a little
time is your only asset
before your bones become too brittle
and muscles become flaccid

Don't delay your hopes and dreams
leave now and head on out
before you are applying creams
to help you with your gout

Don't just sit there reading this
but live a life much greater
before the only thing you kiss
is a respirator

On a scale from one to ten
she was a nine point nine
from head to toe she had a tan
her swimsuit looked divine

She turned the head of every man
I saw an old guy drool
and even women would stare when
she'd flaunt it by the pool

but there was just one little flaw
one tiny, teeny weeny
when I choked and to my horror saw
that she wore my mum's bikini

What does my future hold
before my heart flat-lines
Will I curse each day as I get old
or celebrate with wines ?

Is it written somewhere in the stars
or inside a ******* tip
Will my heart be feeling all the scars
or joy with every sip ?

But perhaps it's best that I don't know
so before I go to sleep
pour a glass, sit back and enjoy the show
until my heart goes beep

No man is an island
for true love we all search
whether it's in Thailand
or Sunday morning church

Always looking for someone
for that special person
whether it might be a nun
or maybe Elle McPherson

Then magically we get together
might need a prayer, or eight
but tragically love depends in whether
in bikinis she looks great

True friends are hard to find
so I bought a lie detector
then I could carefully read their heart and mind
to find who's true and who's an actor

but when the findings were compiled
the results were quite a blow
I was so upset but then eventually smiled
and I joined this TV show

hehehe = mc²

two potatoes fell in love
deep beneath the ground
they didn't like the world above
the light, the wind, the sound

they preferred life to be still
away from noise and rustle
a life of stillness and of chill
without a hint of hustle

the only rush they ever got
was sprouting some new shoots
and when they had to deal with rot
or growing deeper roots

that's why with you i feel so glad
that we're together married
we'll be like two spuds till we're dead
then side by side stay buried

Don't wait till the time is right
or you might be waiting
Every problem however slight
will keep you procrastinating

Don't wait till the cows come home
the future contemplating
In your enclosed paddock roam
all day masticating

Don't wait till the 11th hour
or till you see a sign
Don't wait until the milk turns sour
because it's now 10.59

Christmas should be changed to Giftmas
because gifts are the main reason
from their excessive expensiveness
we have this festive season

All the shopping and the wrapping
and wallet exercising
Many days of planning, prepping
and endless organizing

and when we're finished with the spending
and exhausted as a dog
the only gift that's worth defending
is a homemade spiked eggnog

A happy lot they danced all night
beside a nearby lamp
Around its fire burning white
they set a lifelong camp

But one moth looked into the sky
and closed his old cocoon
with all his strength he launched to fly
and headed for the moon

While on the oceans of the night
his eyes could finally see
that hope of a distant light
can only set you free

And as the moon brightly shone
the little moth did die
but i know his dream flutters on
to his lamp in the sky

My neighbours across the street
are somewhat bizarre
not once did we ever greet
they don't even have a car

They're playing music very loud
and often there's a party
on weekends always there's a crowd
and all the girls dress tarty

Maybe they're just much too young
of friendship there's no hope
especially after i got sprung
with my telescope

David was a nosy guy
who had to know it all
He had his finger in every pie
and an ear on every wall

His eyes had to also see
what everyone was doing
In two places he could be
at the same time others viewing

But one day David wrongly spied
on a girl called Lily
His sense of smell since that day died
and his nose looks silly

*** is overrated
It's time to take up knitting
It's far less complicated
and involves no rinsing, spitting

It's so much more effective
and you still use both hands
There's no need for a contraceptive
or to unzip your pants

You can make a sweater
and beanies of all sorts
It's surely so much better
than getting genital warts

It won't cure hepatitis
but knitting i must try
before the onset of arthritis
can poke out my eye

Breakfast is the least important meal
that i don't want to taste
those extra calories only will
add inches to my waist

why should i have a french toast
or pancakes with some honey
who on earth would want most
to have their eggs a little runny

or an omelette with some cheese
with fresh fried strips of bacon
so tell me who wants breakfast please
or have i been mistaken ?

give me autumn in the spring
winter summer too
give me ambers gently swing
on a canvas blue

give me footpaths paved with gold
with an earthy smell
give me lights each every fold
a different story tell

give me lilies in a pond
by a willow tree
give me every day be dawned
like it's just for me

give me hands not in a rush
and a palette tray
give me colours with a brush
and eyes of Claude Monet

Tarzan after Jane
was a man defeated
His head hung low in hurt and pain
and to the jungle he retreated

and from tree to tree
he was no longer swinging
only seen occasionally
since they stopped the last scenes filming

He wouldn't do his jungle call
and also his chest beating
With crocodiles he refused to roll
and his Cheetah he stopped meeting

When he finally reappeared
he was different and much blacker
He grew a very bushy beard
and was often facing Mecca

Eggs aren't very funny
They don't like cracking jokes
or things could get a little runny
from their spilling yolks

and eggs unfortunately never will
have humorous tales to tell
but my stomach laughs with every meal
when they come out of their shell

I heard it through a rumor
that life can get depressing
Without a sense of humor
it can be sad, I'm guessing

Filled with so much disappointment
it can make you ill
While at this stage there's no ointment
there is an oral pill

and through a rumor I have found
it helps with constipation
When your mouth makes a goofy sound
from laughter being your medication

Men and Women are now equal
that's what i last read
unless there is to be a sequel
or its a passing fad

They do all that we can plus
they can do the splits
Separating both of us
are just our dangly bits

No longer women need their men
to be their care provider
Men's only purpose now is when
there's a dangling spider

In the future we're all pretty
our bodies firm and tight
we're intelligent, smart and witty
and our teeth are white

Our dietary intakes
are measured to perfection
and we do not make mistakes
and like our own reflection

Our life's are lived in opulence
and no one smokes or drinks
and there is no more flatulence
which is why our future stinks

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

Some say it's written in the stars
that's why my eyes look up
Some say that it is swirling round
with tea leaves in a cup

Some say our palms read like a leaf
and tell us when we'll fall
Some say they see it all in cards
some in a crystal ball

Some say they can interpret dreams
but i think it's pure lies
I read my future from one look
all written in your eyes

it's a tale so so sad
of two lovers far apart
they longed for each other so so bad
with each beat of their heart

one decided it would be so so nice
if they finally met
so she booked a ticket with a so so price
and on her journey set

but when they finally met at last
she saw he looked only so so
and their love was over so so fast
when she found he was a hobo