On a scale from one to ten
she was a nine point nine
from head to toe she had a tan
her swimsuit looked divine

She turned the head of every man
I saw an old guy drool
and even women would stare when
she'd flaunt it by the pool

but there was just one little flaw
one tiny, teeny weeny
when I choked and to my horror saw
that she wore my mum's bikini

Seeing old chaps exercising
gives me lots of hope
that as my years keep rising
not to ditch my skipping rope

and also have my dumbbells handy
by the liquor cabinet
so my hands can hold more than a brandy
and a cigarette

definitely I'll keep my running shoes
as a memory when i was thin
and to run to get a bit more *****
or from wife's rolling pin

Dad, your journey was amazing
i know some days were rough
but you loved to joke, and loved stargazing
and made those around you laugh

You also loved a drink or three
a smoke or maybe twenty
and you were always there for me
and mum you loved her plenty

Every stranger you would meet
would soon become your friend
and though you lived a life complete
each journey has an end

So dad until we meet again
my heart will feel these scars
but each night i'll still see you when
I gaze at the stars

I showed my poems to a frog
he looked and just said ribbit
I showed my poems to my dog
but he then tried to eat it

I showed my poems to a bat
into a dark cave it went missing
I showed my poems to my cat
but then he started hissing

I showed my poems to my brother
he said he's gonna dob
and then I showed one to my father
he said please son get a job

I need a second chance
to come on my door knocking
for Lady Luck to my way glance
with something from her stocking

while Father Christmas also should
be getting me a present
for far too long i have been good
and been to my wife pleasant

and also God with some good deed
should play a major factor
but maybe what i really need
is the whole trifecta

*** is overrated
It's time to take up knitting
It's far less complicated
and involves no rinsing, spitting

It's so much more effective
and you still use both hands
There's no need for a contraceptive
or to unzip your pants

You can make a sweater
and beanies of all sorts
It's surely so much better
than getting genital warts

It won't cure hepatitis
but knitting i must try
before the onset of arthritis
can poke out my eye

Little spider on my ceiling
what are you from my house stealing ?
hope it's that annoying fly
that's been landing on my pie

or that moth which loved to dine
on my favourite Calvin Kline
perhaps it's that mosquito which
gave me that persistent itch

So hurry please leave out the door
where you can hunt and eat some more
because you don't want to be at all
like that last spider on my wall

Many things can **** you here
From a spider to a snake
Every step is walked in fear
And could be the last you take

You can even die from heat stroke
or it could be from thirst
It’s happened to many a bloke
And you wouldn’t be the first

So while you're sipping on your beer
the truth i must confess
that the most likely reason you’ll die here
will be from loneliness

I was with Tony, Frank and Javed
pre Christmas drinks with friends
and somehow that night they discovered
that i have woman's hands

they teased me with the way i point
and how i hold my beer
made fun of creams i might anoint
to keep them smooth and clear

they laughed that i sit down to ***
and made jokes immature
for my disorder doc's should see
if there's a manicure

to make them stop i was not able
"enough", i gave a shout
i banged my hands ******* the table
and then i stormed right out

then three days later with Jill and Maya
driving to post Christmas sales
i got both girls to change my tyre
that night i broke two nails

No man is an island
for true love we all search
whether it's in Thailand
or Sunday morning church

Always looking for someone
for that special person
whether it might be a nun
or maybe Elle McPherson

Then magically we get together
might need a prayer, or eight
but tragically love depends in whether
in bikinis she looks great

I am a normal guy
With a normal life
Some pants, a shirt, a belt, a tie
an almost normal wife

I have a normal job
With a normal wage
I drink, i smoke, i laugh, i sob
I am of normal age

But in a normal week
Normally Friday night
I look, i search, i find, i seek
dragons to a fight

And with my mighty sword
I am a dragon slayer
There's no one else on the board
as good a D&D player

Then home I'm normally back
Usually half past ten
I drink, i smoke, i hit the sack
I'm normal once again

Some girls have formed a rumour
I climbed out of a grave
and though i have a sense of humour
I belong in a cave

That babies look at me and stare
then begin to cry
One mother once fell off her chair
when i was walking by

Cats get scared and start to hiss
dogs begin to growl
I've seen drivers red lights miss
and police sirens howl

They said only a mother could
love a face like mine
maybe it's why she often would
drink massive loads of wine

So I don't know what you saw in me
on the day we met
but gosh we worked out beautifully
and I'm still ugly as a bat

i want to grow a beard
and maybe shave my head
so i can be more feared
and not look weak and sad

then get a hate tattoo
slapped across my fist
maybe one on my arm too
but my muscles don't exist

perhaps I'll get an eye patch
to make me look less wussy
but worst you'll get is a scratch
from me who's just a *****

I once dated a librarian
She used to read me books
She was poshy and so un-Australian
with exotic timeless looks

Her reading style was seductive
by the candle light
and afterwards she would be active
when it was out at night

but the next day she left to my surprise
in a rush she wrote this quick
it said you smell like Lord of the Flies
and you're no Moby ****

i want a simple life for me
one less complicated
where my issues they might be
staying well hydrated

where my biggest problem is
what to eat for dinner
or if its worthy of a miss
so that i stay slimmer

and my difficulties are
what clothes should i wear
or if i have gone too far
colouring my hair

maybe my life's better suited
to be a simple tree
my only problem being rooted
when dogs on me ***

When i was in New York
I went to Central Pork
No not the place that's green
this was about cuisine
but more so was about the chops
a tiny place between the shops
where only pork's on sale
from snout through to it's tail
a place that's coloured pink
I'll forward you the link
because you can't go to Manhattan
buying only beef or mutton

My world is still a little sadder
since you're no longer here
after climbing your starry ladder
way past the stratosphere

Then further out beyond the moon
and into the unknown
you left one morning much too soon
and to the darkness flown

but sometimes there's a shooting star
that flashes in the sky
so I know on those nights you are
still somewhere nearby

Would my existence still be bliss
surviving via photosynthesis

Relying on the sun's bright light
and never take a single bite

Requiring like a thousand leaves
To dinner never roll my sleeves

and never once I'll lick my plate
or blissfully out loud defecate

I think I just answered my own question
It's bliss surviving via digestion

the best days lie ahead
waiting like an old friend
like a book yet to be read
like a gift that's still unopened

the best nights are yet to come
with a song not sung in ages
and your feet will dance to some
as the heart pens it's best pages

the best words are still unspoken
but they're waiting to come out
the best day waits to be awoken
with a loud i love you shout

In the future we're all pretty
our bodies firm and tight
we're intelligent, smart and witty
and our teeth are white

Our dietary intakes
are measured to perfection
and we do not make mistakes
and like our own reflection

Our life's are lived in opulence
and no one smokes or drinks
and there is no more flatulence
which is why our future stinks

This year I will need Santa
to bring us more than Fanta
and i don't mean world peace
our wars will never cease
and i don't mean more presents
they are for kids and peasants
but this year Santa Claus
must think hard and then pause
and moments before swooping in
spread love and joy with his vaccine

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

in my next life i don't want to be
an ant, a cockroach or a flea

i don't want to scamper, hop or walk
but fly up high just like a hawk

or maybe more just like a kite
so you can reel me in at night

and also from rain keep me dry
so tomorrow once more i can fly

and when by winds my spine is shattered
and my whole frame is bruised and battered

on that day you may cut me free
please God don't turn me to a flea

I heard it through a rumor
that life can get depressing
Without a sense of humor
it can be sad, I'm guessing

Filled with so much disappointment
it can make you ill
While at this stage there's no ointment
there is an oral pill

and through a rumor I have found
it helps with constipation
When your mouth makes a goofy sound
from laughter being your medication

David was a nosy guy
who had to know it all
He had his finger in every pie
and an ear on every wall

His eyes had to also see
what everyone was doing
In two places he could be
at the same time others viewing

But one day David wrongly spied
on a girl called Lily
His sense of smell since that day died
and his nose looks silly

it's a tale so so sad
of two lovers far apart
they longed for each other so so bad
with each beat of their heart

one decided it would be so so nice
if they finally met
so she booked a ticket with a so so price
and on her journey set

but when they finally met at last
she saw he looked only so so
and their love was over so so fast
when she found he was a hobo

hehehe = mc²

come seventh day i took a rest
of work i had enough
fingers crossed hope for the best
i did it out of love

i built it all from nothingness
bit by bit and piece by piece
from massive monsters in Loch Ness
down to annoying fleas

and everything worked to a plan
with nothing left to give
my last creation was a man
then i ****** up with Eve

If i was a dog
all would be my friend
while everyone I'd snog
and eat from every hand

My tail would be like a fan
waving left to right
every woman, every man
i would love with delight

Except of course for cats
they think they are so smart
a bunch of dumb aristocrats
I'd love to tear apart

diets do not work
as hunger they increase
and you can eat a whole roast pork
soon as you dieting cease

and when combined with exercise
a diet more backfires
how will you burn that steak and fries
when your gym membership expires

there is one way to lose that weight
a more permanent reduction
and a marriage contemplate
with a nurse in liposuction

Breakfast is the least important meal
that i don't want to taste
those extra calories only will
add inches to my waist

why should i have a french toast
or pancakes with some honey
who on earth would want most
to have their eggs a little runny

or an omelette with some cheese
with fresh fried strips of bacon
so tell me who wants breakfast please
or have i been mistaken ?

Don't wait till the time is right
or you might be waiting
Every problem however slight
will keep you procrastinating

Don't wait till the cows come home
the future contemplating
In your enclosed paddock roam
all day masticating

Don't wait till the 11th hour
or till you see a sign
Don't wait until the milk turns sour
because it's now 10.59

He died doing what he loved
when killed by a goat
who while hunting his gun shoved
deep inside his throat

then the goat pulled the trigger
and his guts exploded
while the goat began to snigger
and the gun reloaded

then it shot him in the head
right between the eyes
sometimes a hunting trip turns bad
and the hunter dies

Christmas should be changed to Giftmas
because gifts are the main reason
from their excessive expensiveness
we have this festive season

All the shopping and the wrapping
and wallet exercising
Many days of planning, prepping
and endless organizing

and when we're finished with the spending
and exhausted as a dog
the only gift that's worth defending
is a homemade spiked eggnog

my poetry is simple
and very very silly
it often rhymes with pimple
and sometimes with a *****

its never complicated
but very very light
long words are overrated
and hard to read at night

it can be also curious
and very very weird
sometimes as mysterious
as my girlfriends beard

they say that life is short
that's very very true
so laugh until you start to snort
and be so very you

For a little rest i crave
Take off my shoes and hat
and upside down in a cave
hang just like a bat

Where its cosy and its dark
and water gently drips
Far away from peoples bark
and their frothing lips

I think i will stay for a while
maybe for some nights
and build a huge guano pile
on those nasty stalagmites

The lighthouse keeper was kept busy
through a foggy night
Spinning, spinning till he got dizzy
then fell and broke the light

and as he scrambled off the floor
he went into a spat
The lighthouse keeper swore and swore
with fog this and fog that

i'm half the man i used to be
and now weigh twice as much
my outside world is on tv
with my remote i touch

the other hand tends to grab
and shove food in my face
my solid plans have turned to flab
and have seen better days

more of this world and not my belly
one day perhaps I’ll see some
tonight it's pizza, me and the telly
is still my favourite *******

Tarzan after Jane
was a man defeated
His head hung low in hurt and pain
and to the jungle he retreated

and from tree to tree
he was no longer swinging
only seen occasionally
since they stopped the last scenes filming

He wouldn't do his jungle call
and also his chest beating
With crocodiles he refused to roll
and his Cheetah he stopped meeting

When he finally reappeared
he was different and much blacker
He grew a very bushy beard
and was often facing Mecca

"Who are you ?" said the sea
I am a grain of sand
a tiny speck down here, that's me
where all my days i spend

My name you'll never know
who wants to know a grain
Your waves they always come and go
but here i remain

and for you here I'll wait
to take me in your swirl
Although I'm small my dreams are great
of one day being a pearl

alarms have been raised
of a disturbance great
a fly has its feet placed
on Julias dinner plate

it landed fair and square
on her sirloin steak
and then without a care
on Helens chocolate cake

then it took a trip
onto Stevens crotch
followed by a sip
from his glass of scotch

and then from angry Andy
through its ***** snout
it took a liking to his brandy
until his angry shout

though loudest came from Jill
who screamed out every note
then suddenly all came to a still
it flew inside her throat

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

In the jungle the mighty jungle
there is a polar bear
there must have been a mighty bungle
how did it end up there ?

In the ocean the deep blue ocean
there swims a kangaroo
among the fishes there's commotion
did it escape from the zoo ?

In my garden my luscious garden
there is a black rhino
before you say i beg your pardon
how it happened i think i know

and why the lion the mighty lion
tonight is wide awake
in cargo hold flying Hawaiian
from yet another Fedex mistake

True friends are hard to find
so I bought a lie detector
then I could carefully read their heart and mind
to find who's true and who's an actor

but when the findings were compiled
the results were quite a blow
I was so upset but then eventually smiled
and I joined this TV show

would you love me still
if i had two noses
i could blow them hard until
I'd split the sea like Moses

would you love me tender
if i had no pelvis
would you return me back to sender
or get me hips like Elvis

would our love become a dream
and would your love be gone
if i batted for the other team
just like Elton John

Twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder what you are

It's an exploding ball of mass
filled with putrid noxious gas

Emitting deadly radiation
and heat beyond imagination

with burst of massive solar flares
that quickly would burn all your hairs

so thank your stars you're from one far
for in a twinkle you'd be char

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

what if i could start again
and be somebody else
board a very different train
with fewer ***** smells

board a very different flight
with less turbulence
end up winning every fight
not in an ambulance

what if there's a highway
from this prison grid
where i can do it my way
like Sinatra did

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand

i'll find you like a treasure
where the rainbow ends
and dig you out with pleasure
with my hungry hands

i'll find you like the first star
of a summers night
and play for you with my guitar
so you become bright

i'll find you neath the mistletoe
and kiss you there perhaps
i'll find you anywhere you go
hon, i've got all the maps