i was once young too
but now feel 99
my stomach and my both ******* grew
my friend's a glass of wine

i once picked up chicks
but now i pick up colds
and i collect obscure antiques
not ******* centrefolds

i was once athletic
but now i'm running late
and i'm a type 2 diabetic
who dreams feeling 98

always look at the bright side of wife
not the dark one holding a stick or a knife

not the one loaded with verbal ammunition
or the one directing an inquisition

but the side that is full of love and laughter
and you'll both live happily ever after

right after this spring morning's fight
because it's your fault the sun is so bright

Aliens are already here
there's some which work with me
one who is an engineer
another in IT

A couple more are in reception
a weird bunch are in sales
some of whom do lack affection
and can be slow like snails

but their brains are super fast
complex problems solving
perhaps it's me that's from the past
who has stopped evolving

I came,
I saw,
.... I added croutons

A spring chicken I am not
but the chicken's still inside
while much older I have got
from many things I run and hide

I am petrified of heights
spiders, roaches, other men
I keep my lights on through the nights
because of ghosts I'm not a fan

When I see needles, I turn blue
so I've not had my Covid booster
There'll be no ****-a-Doodle-Doo
from me who'll never be a rooster

The end of the world is coming
I can taste it in my rice
and while I'm nom nom nomming
on sweet potato fries

It's in the coffee too
in every single sip
I think that we are through
and all about to tip

Perhaps it's for the best
we're all about consumption
so finish your pizza, pasta and chicken breast
because this world needs a resumption

Felicity killed her cat
it was horrible how
Felicity ******* it sat
Max didn't even meow

Felicity killed her dog
with silent deadly means
Felicity killed Rex drinking grog
and eating spicy beans

Felicity killed her hubby
poisoned with sashimi
then squeezing a whole tube of wasabi
Felicity ate her Timmy

i'll be travelling light tonight
my toothbrush and my comb
for there's no easier journey than
the one that takes me home

the moon will light the midnight road
the stars will point the way
and i will not be looking back
to winds of yesterday

because i've walked the stormiest paths
and many shoes i've worn
my eyes they want to see the world
but heart want's where it's born

wake up its election day
its compulsory to vote
so tick a box and have a say
will we sink or float

but is it going to really matter
what face gets elected
your sleep wont get any better
and your tax still collected

and with your money they will play
you're just a bottom feeder
till one day aliens land and say
take me to your leader

Every cloud has a silver lining

a mosquito that's Vietnamese
really can annoy
especially north of 17 degrees
buzzing in Hanoi

there is also another mosquito
with an annoying attitude
it lives in Ecuador Quito
buzzing at high altitude

but one mosquito is so laid back
it calls itself a mozzie
it gets a buzz from a good whack
annoying the ****** Aussie

There was a song stuck in my head
Humuhum it had me humming
since I woke up from my bed
Boomboomboom it's beat was drumming

Then all morning in the shower
Chachacha my hips were swinging
at the bus stop for an hour
Nanana I kept on singing

On a crowded bus I hopped
Lalala I sang out loud
then the bus suddenly stopped
Hahaha laughed all the crowd

Taking my dog for a walk
the highlight of my day
He barks while I always talk
we have so much to say

Twenty minutes of fresh air
we like to let it out
We cuss and curse and loudly swear
and at our problems shout

That's when we *** on all the trees
and our day wounds lick
and hope tomorrow is a breeze
while I go fetch a stick

Jing was meek and shy
never once said hello
never once been with a guy
and only played her cello

and every time she played
all were mesmerised
such lovely sounds her cello made
that most were hypnotised

like Jong who lived next door
she had him in a trance
until he couldn't wait no more
and peered over the fence

in the moonlight glow
Jing whispered to him hello
that night she put away her bow
and silent stayed her cello

Day 18908
a bit like yesterday it was spent
yet once again to work I was late
and some lie had to invent

With four coffee's needed to get me going
followed by six cups of tea
While all day long my hunger kept on growing
that I had my second lunch at three

Then I got home and dinner was at five
with an evening made in heaven
I already can't wait for the weekend to arrive
on Day 18911

There's nothing better, they say
than a sunny sunny day
when it's nice and warm outside
and you can walk, take a run or ride
maybe have a picnic in the park
enjoy the sun till it gets dark
and all your washing will have dried
by the time you're back inside
although lately I've been thinking
and it's not because of drinking
that I prefer when the weather's hairy
as it goes better with my glass of sherry

Another day, another dollar
but not a dollar more
It doesn’t take an Oxford scholar
To work out that I’m poor

There are a few things that I own
and I've sown lots of seeds
But most of them seem to have grown
Only to be weeds

And writing will not make me rich
with every poem being a fail
This is why poetry they don’t teach
At Cambridge or at Yale

my boyfriend is in the police
he has a great mustache
he's tall and strong like Hercules
and he makes me blush

he calls his biceps his two guns
his six pack is a ten
and even cuter are his buns
he is my perfect man

he could have been a Chippendale
i know it's rather silly
but he should really be in jail
with that tiny *****

She was an oil engineer
and specialised in gas
She was bold and had no fear
a brave courageous lass

She worked on an oil rig
in the middle of an ocean
She fixed all things however big
and then got a promotion

She then worked in the city
and with the big heads all day mingle
but despite being very pretty
her love of gas still made her single

and so she found a highland terrier
when he was just a little puppy
and now her life could not be merrier
with every **** they're both so happy

There is evil all around
with a lurking presence
Inside of us it can be found
and from presidents through to peasants

It's ugliness is often plotted
but sometimes it's abrupt
and often too late when it's spotted
as it's made to erupt

With an explosion that's horrifying
but it's worth believing in
that while evil will continue trying
good will find a way to win

Remind me of our happiest days
Bring them back to me tonight
When my eyes saw colours instead of greys
and my dreams weren't black and white

Take me from where I am now
because I need them all so much
Please allow me to remember how
my heart those days still wants to touch

and leave me there far in our past
because that's where I want to be
and the only memory that I want to last
are happiest days with you and me

I know there is a ghost
that comes into my kitchin
I've heard the crunch of toast
and kettle on off switchin

My pantry's open wide
but nothin I see missin
Meanwhile my cat is petrified
at the fridge door hissin

But I know this ghost well
and why he has been lookin
It's time to feed heaven and hell
with my delish cookin

the only flower that firmly keeps
her head turned to the sun
and all day long the sun she sips
a tulip is the one

but one tulip looked away
and slowly turned her neck
from sun she looked the other way
her petals turned to black

and that is how she chose to stay
avoiding the suns light
she closed her petals to the day
to bloom just for the night

I want this to be
the last poem that I've written
while I'm sipping on my tea
after everything's been eaten

after everything has been digested
then gone to my mid-section
after every recipe been tested
and cooked to perfection

but now the dishes are all stacked
and empty is the fridge
I'm ready waiting fully packed
crossing my life's bridge

so let me slowly sip my tea
and let me out loud slurp
this poem i will want to be
worth a one last burp

"Girls looked at him not me
perhaps he was much taller
I walked like someone wanting to ***
he walked like a high roller

He rode a loud bike that looked cool
mine i had to pedal
He was the fastest swimmer at school
in maths i won a medal

then i got into computing
stuck behind a screen
while between girls he was commuting
hehehe you know what i mean

and he would get all the chicks
be one of those heartthrobs
while i became one of those geeks"
proudly said Steve Jobs

Sometimes life is like an onion
sometimes like a peach
sometimes you fall into a canyon
sometimes lie on a beach

Sometimes life is like a rose
sometimes like a thorn
sometimes each new day really blows
sometimes feels like you're born

Sometimes I think that I'm so smart
usually me so dumb dumb
but your salted caramel chocolate ****
will always taste so yum yum

No one would notice me before
but now they all stare at me
Is it because I weigh so much more
and my big belly they can see ?

Maybe I look like some most wanted ?
or is there a halo above my head ?
by these questions I'm often haunted
as I insecurely tread

Perhaps it's only my imagination
that I'll never understand
as I walk back to my car from the petrol station
with five hot dogs in my hand

Love is absolutely free
it knows no credit cards or cheques
but two people absolutely disagree
a lawyer and my ex

When I was just a little boy
I had a strange obsession
It would my mum and dad annoy
fearing a possession

It didn't involve dolls or cars
a goldfish or a cat
but staring at the moon and stars
and with them have a chat

So much that nothing's changed tonight
I still my evening's spend
to say hello when I first sight
my distant crescent friend

I just can't find the wirdz
to write how I love birdz

From pecalinz and seagalz
right to the mitey eagalz

I love to see em in the skiez
happy like them butterfliez

singing all day in the treez
flapping their wingz in the breez

and i'm so happy that I chooz
to be with a bird like youz

New Years Day is great
to make a to do list
i'm gonna lose some weight
and stop getting ******

each morning hit the gym
and raise a bit of sweat
to make me toned and slim
and shed that extra fat

come January second
and all went to my plan
i did all the things i reckoned
without one beer can

but by Australia Day
it seems this year came sooner
three kilo's more i weigh
and i'm on my twelfth schooner

there's a war inside my gut
and the tanks are rolling in
there is gunfire, ratatat
its a devastating scene

its a hostile takeover
and a very violent coup
and it has me well bent over
and a prisoner in the loo

our world peace has been disrupted
you might see it on the telly
there's a war that has erupted
from jalapenos in my belly

no way i'm playing bingo
when i'm a retiree
i'd rather be like Ringo
and live under the sea

in an octopuses garden
somewhere in the shade
as my arteries harden
while my last hairs greyed

for one year from people free
while my numbers mix
until the day comes when i'll be
clickety click 66

then i had a greater calling
no i didn't see a sign
there were no stars from heavens falling
and wasn't from the wine

there was no sudden apparition
no booming thunderous noise
i didn't see a premonition
in my head there was no voice

but it was a process slow and steady
like an old man's memory loss
and just when i thought i was ready
I've forgotten what it was

A diamond a day
... will make your wife with you stay

I'm a guy who loves his maps
physical and topographic
staring at them more perhaps
than pictures pornographic

and maps political and aerial
i find them all hypnotic
they contain more material
than any story that's ******

there's historic and climatic
they're more beautifully complicated
than the beauties in the attic
when i'm watching films *******

so i'll always love my maps
at the Atlas stare for ages
but you might find weird gaps
and a bunch of sticky pages

What we write about means little
we're just a tiny drop
Nothing but a single skittle
in a chocolate shop

A grain of sand, a speck of dust
insignificant as an ant
A burnt useless piece of crust
that's not worth a cent

and yet each night these words we pen
and poems we complete
because even a single skittle can
make someone's evening sweet

By my door I found a leaf
but which tree ? it wasn't mine
at the front of my house grows
only one dark winter pine

It seemed healthy and well fed
being here I found it strange
perhaps it lost its way when
we had last night stormy change

So i took this homeless stranger
dust and tears all of it shook
and a warm bed I prepared
between pages in my book

i want to change
from being so strange
why can't i be like Paul
he's into cars
and still has scars
from being in a brawl

i want to like
to ride a bike
why can't i be like Nick
i'll ride so proud
my Harley loud
and with my tiny ****

i want to try
just be a guy
why can't i be like Rob
watching telly
growing a belly
and shove food in my gob

i want to know
where all men go
why can't i be like Tim
each friday night
until daylight
why can't i be like him

instead i'm strange,
too late to change
i'll never fit in well
i now can see,
why mum named me
a name no one can spell

I wrote a poem for someone
I don't know who for yet
I wrote it staring at the sun
as it slowly set

I wrote it as the stars appeared
then I wrote through the night
as i got old and grew a beard
and pants became too tight

I wrote more as my hair turned grey
till my eyes couldn't see
I wrote and wrote until today
this poem just for me

What happens to us when we die
when it is finally over
do we go up to the big sky
and get to meet Jehovah ?

or do we go into the ground
or further down to hell
an eternity of just one sound
when you from pain yell

or do we linger as a ghost
or is it more complex
and we live inside another host
paying twice the tax

while some believe we never die
in reincarnation theory
what if i come back as a fly ?
i think i best ask Siri

Our lives are far too short
we need new legislation
our politicians ought
to be extending our duration

We need a brand new referendum
vote "YES" for an extension
Our constitution needs an addendum
so we can enjoy our pension

Something significant of note
A nice healthy addition
otherwise I'll be forced to vote
for the opposition

curiosity didn't **** my cat
no it was my nana
together with every other pet
my rabbit and green iguana

she looked after them so well
no they weren't neglected
she cleaned them so they didn't smell
and be from disease protected

she fed them more than herself
and smothered them with love
she always had treats on the shelf
in their mouth's she could shove

but despite warnings from the vet
their portions must decrease
my every pet was much too fat
and died from being obese

don't overcomplicate things
eat, drink and laugh
enjoy what simple life brings
don't need a sonograph

or complex rocket science
to get you to the moon
your most advanced appliance
should be a fork and spoon

and that long corkscrew device
to access more fine wine
its my simple life advice
from me who's no Einstein

My four best friends are my four walls
The fifth one is my ceiling
Each night for help they hear my calls
and know the pains I'm feeling

My sixth best friend is my cold floor
on which I'm often lying
and no one really knows me more
when tears I'm on it crying

My seventh used to be my door
but lately we don't talk
I'll need to know my six friends more
then I will through it walk

there must be more to this
than eating, drinking, porking
this life is far from bliss
but sweating, slaving, working

is there another path
from mortgage, taxes, bills
i'm running out of math
with fears, terrors, chills

and seems i'm running late
while searching, dreaming, wishing
so me and my best mate
are going eating, drinking, fishing

Knowledge is power ?
you should have told me that before
It's taken me over an hour
to fix that generator on the floor

I feel the need
the need for seed

With climate change all of us affecting
some countries are their names correcting
I recently heard that Scotland
is changing theirs to Hotland
Also nearby green Ireland
will be red fiery Fireland
and tiny small Slovenia
shortening theirs to Ovenia
but at least cold frigid Iceland
will be warm and balmy Niceland
but there's a country where I wouldn't want to be
with Greenland disappearing into a Green Sea

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black