With you i wake up every day
and then sing in the shower
my hair has stopped from turning grey
i don't swear during rush hour

With you my life feels without issues
and happier is my cat
i haven’t bought a box of tissues
since the day we met

With you my armpits are less sweaty
my shirts are wrinkle free
and when it rains it's like confetti
when you are next to me

When I’m with you i now can sleep
and not from nightmares scream
all of the night, without a peep
with you in every dream

Another day, another dollar
but not a dollar more
It doesn’t take an Oxford scholar
To work out that I’m poor

There are a few things that I own
and I've sown lots of seeds
But most of them seem to have grown
Only to be weeds

And writing will not make me rich
with every poem being a fail
This is why poetry they don’t teach
At Cambridge or at Yale

the law of averages is pretty clear
I'll live to 78
drinking 79,000 cans of beer
and 20 kilo's overweight

consuming 60,000 cans of cokes
with 14,000 burgers, shakes and fries
smoking about half a million smokes
with half a million coughs, surprise !

and i will have 1.6 wife's
with 9.66 cats
joining the 99% of married lives
where 99% stay in debts

which leaves me with just one percent
so i think it's pretty clear
that no one wants a 79th birthday spent
without drinking beer

if i was a butterfly
i would not ask why
but flap my wings
while sunshine sings
soaring through the sky

if i was a fish
for nothing else I'd wish
but swim all day
as far away
so that I'm not a dish

if i was a man
and maybe i still can
but all i know
is words that flow
from sunshine in my pen

a guy just needs his cave
that's all he really needs
and for an hour get a slave
to clean after he feeds

maybe for another hour
someone to do his cooking
he's not that good with eggs and flour
or for those utensils looking

a couple more hours would be nice
to do all his washing
and prepare a bite or slice
while his liquor glass is sloshing

and at the end of his hard day
he needs a minute maybe two
with somebody so he can have his way
that's why my cave needs you

Christmas has been cancelled
and the Easter break's in doubt
while all those holidays i have pencilled
can be all rubbed out

shortened will be my weekends
no Friday night pub crawl
no Saturday BBQ's with friends
or Sundays at the mall

from work for me there'll be no break
nil, zilch, zero, nada
my wife said this bag can't be fake
but has to be from Prada

always look at the bright side of wife
not the dark one holding a stick or a knife

not the one loaded with verbal ammunition
or the one directing an inquisition

but the side that is full of love and laughter
and you'll both live happily ever after

right after this spring morning's fight
because it's your fault the sun is so bright

to meatballs and spaghetti
no one can say no
the snowman or the yeti
or aliens from a UFO

even vegetarians
from hunger get all gnarly
and all the Rastafarians
together with Bob Marley

want more more and more
it's easy to see why
when Bob Marley sang on a Jamaican shore
more meatballs no cry

two potatoes fell in love
deep beneath the ground
they didn't like the world above
the light, the wind, the sound

they preferred life to be still
away from noise and rustle
a life of stillness and of chill
without a hint of hustle

the only rush they ever got
was sprouting some new shoots
and when they had to deal with rot
or growing deeper roots

that's why with you i feel so glad
that we're together married
we'll be like two spuds till we're dead
then side by side stay buried

and by the seventh day God didn't rest
no that's when he got busy
some sauce and cheese, a chicken breast
then salt and pepper, easy

a glass of wine or maybe four
then called to all his mates
to dance their butts off on the floor
at the heavens gates

this Sunday also is my wish
for a taste of paradise
few friends, some wine, a chicken dish
then salt and pepper, nice

don't wanna write bout flowers
don't wanna write bout spring
don't wanna spend a fousand hours
wif words that will not sing

don't wanna write bout love whateva
don't wanna write bout how i feel
don't wanna spend my time and hava
belief that love is real

don't wanna write bout anyfing
don't wanna sit in my room
but i fink of you and like a spring
a fousand poems start to bloom

he was a posh and pompous cat
with fur as smooth as silk
who didn't care much for a pat
or a bowl of milk

his claws were always manicured
with teeth sharp as a knife
in french he only out loud purred
next to his feline wife

who whilst being tiny and petite
was a clever cat
guess which cat landed on their feet
and which one went splat

i dont know how to believe in god
but i hope he believes in me
and when that day comes and i get the nod
that he invites me for some tea

i dont think he wants us to him pray
or get down on our knees
he doesnt care if were straight or gay
or how we ourselves please

i do think he wants us to be good
and not be too obsessed with money
but to be happy although not too rude
unless its really funny

in god perhaps i will believe
on that fateful day
i hope a pat on my back he'll give
and we share a nice earl grey

I've added to my bucket list
a place not ordinary
i don't know how but its been missed
from my itinerary


its not mount Fuji, its not the Nile
or Paris London Rome
but its a place that makes me smile
a place i can call home


to get there i wont need a map
and i wont need a chart
my bucket list has only scrap
on my trip to your heart

i wrote out my dreams with a pen
and placed them in a cup
i looked into the stars and then
with pride i held it up

i toasted to the moon above
and branches of the trees
i then said my goodbye to love
and threw them in the breeze

and maybe, maybe there's a day
when one might pass you by
but dream, only a dream can stay
only in dreams we fly

everything has been done
thought of and created
in the million times around the sun
we've circumnavigated

everything has been invented
and its all been written
every recipe documented
and forbidden fruits all bitten

with nothing new left on the menu
our job is now done here
all that's left is a corner venue
that's serving perfect beer

we're so tired of this rock
said the monkeys of Gibraltar
so we had a little talk
and we're moving off to Malta

we decided against Morocco
and it certainly won't be Spain
recently we saw a doco
all the apes there are insane

and we'll perish like the rhino
if that old queen has her way
moving with those great albino
fat gorillas in UK

the curtains will stay drawn today
in half the candles cut
TV has orders not to play
and all the books be shut

the lamp knows that it wont be used
and kettle will not sing
all cups of tea will be refused
and phone will not dare ring

the pen will not spill any ink
the towels will stay dry
same will happen to the sink
and clothes on the floor lie

this couch shall not give out a creak
but in its depths me swallow
beneath these blankets i must seek
a window to tomorrow

before my golden sun
shines with a rusted hue
before my blue skies run
from smoke that chimneys spew

before my moon has found
no need to tame the nights
before my stars are drowned
in floods of neon lights

before a black storm looms
and acid rains descend
before my garden blooms
with concrete and cement

before my dreams are thrown
and locked in endless slumber
before i'm better known
to you as just a number

before the oceans rise
and all the forests fall
before every rose dries
and love withers with all

before this world of mine
becomes a children's fable
where once upon a time
to smile they were able

So, while sun golden shines
and skies are blue above
i ask, before i'm out of lines
who will tomorrow love ?

the best days lie ahead
waiting like an old friend
like a book yet to be read
like a gift that's still unopened

the best nights are yet to come
with a song not sung in ages
and your feet will dance to some
as the heart pens it's best pages

the best words are still unspoken
but they're waiting to come out
the best day waits to be awoken
with a loud i love you shout

alarms have been raised
of a disturbance great
a fly has its feet placed
on Julias dinner plate

it landed fair and square
on her sirloin steak
and then without a care
on Helens chocolate cake

then it took a trip
onto Stevens crotch
followed by a sip
from his glass of scotch

and then from angry Andy
through its ***** snout
it took a liking to his brandy
until his angry shout

though loudest came from Jill
who screamed out every note
then suddenly all came to a still
it flew inside her throat

Leo was a boy from Pisa
who had a nose so great
when sneezing even Mona Lisa
could not keep her face straight

and once at supper all there got
heavenly impressed
when Leo with his load of snot
everybody blessed

and every time a sneeze he let
he had such graceful style
that it was nothing to sneeze at
and made Mona Lisa smile

i was once young too
but now feel 99
my stomach and my both ******* grew
my friend's a glass of wine

i once picked up chicks
but now i pick up colds
and i collect obscure antiques
not ******* centrefolds

i was once athletic
but now i'm running late
and i'm a type 2 diabetic
who dreams feeling 98

there was magic when we met
and all my sadness disappeared
she pulled a rabbit from my hat
and my heart loudly cheered

she found a coin behind my ear
and all my pains abated
i was her favourite volunteer
as she my dreams levitated

her magic lasted for a week
but ended with confusion
when she showed me one last trick
that love was only my illusion

i told her i'm a poet
that i write from the heart
but my latest poem no way i can show it
it's title is "the ****"

i told her that my words are serious
and my poetry complicated
but they were written when i was delirious
and oh so heavily inebriated

i told her that i got a prize
when a contest my poem won
but she doesn't know or realise
of participants there was just one

i told her i'll write for her too
so i think i better hurry
soon as i stop farting from that vindaloo
and last nights spicy chicken curry

Autumn is my favourite season
but it's not about the leaves
i have a very different reason
an autumn pleasure gives

it's not about the morning greys
or evening lit log fires
it's not about it's amber days
that my heart most desires

there's something closer to my heart
a secret i must spill
in autumn i finally get to start
roasting chestnuts in my grill

he loved the mountains, she loved the ocean
but yet they got along
she loved it quiet, he loved commotion
they loved the same sad song

she loved to walk, he loved to run
they both loved staying fit
he loved the rain. she loved the sun
they loved to watch and sit

they loved to do the things together
alone they would have hated
love is surprising like the weather
and why meteorology is complicated

koala sleeping on a tree
rain then started pouring
a wintry spell
the big tree fell
koala kept on snoring

in my previous life i was
a great big wandering albatross

which is why i love to fly
staring at the big blue sky

that's why i sometimes stare for ages
at my atlas and it's pages

and when there's ocean on the map
that's when my both wings start to flap

so when my next life comes around
you'll know exactly where i'm found

my cat hates my brand new toy
i feel it in his glance
it's something he'd like to destroy
given half a chance

i see it in his stealthy walk
and hear it in his meow
i know if he could learn to talk
he would be swearing now

it used to be him on my lap
getting all attention
but now a constant tap tap tap
from some weird invention

I think he wants me to understand
who's still king of this house
when i found what blocked my toilet bend
was my missing wireless mouse

and then the two bananas fought
about which one bends more
together waiting to get bought
at the grocery store

"my bend is like a perfect smile
I’m peoples favourite type"
said the first one all the while
waiting to get ripe

"but mine like a rainbow bends"
said the other one
"signalling the rain now ends
and welcoming the sun"

and as i both bananas peeled
and with enjoyment ate
there suddenly the truth revealed
it's not fun being straight

from the very first day
i knew she was the one
she turned my skies to blue from grey
and i could see the sun

and now ten thousand hot days later
she's still top of my ladder
the temperature has not been greater
and i'm not talking about the weather

i wish that i were someone else
someone better looking
no longer be that guy that smells
and incapable of cooking

but someone who demands respect
and obviously much taller
not having to continuously act
to earn my every dollar

and someone with a lot more hair
the type that's on your head
not like myself who's more a bear
who hasn't yet been fed

but perhaps i should be only me
it's probably best i think
because it doesn't matter whom i'll be
my poems will still stink

Did you know that we all are
composed of stellar matter
each of us was once a star
all it's sparkly pieces scatter

and this notion is so clear
a belief i cling to tightly
there are people i know here
who like stars still shine so brightly

Chicken soup is the cure
to bring you from the dead
one spoonful and suddenly you are
springing from your bed

it will reignite your soul
with each dribbling slurp
and when you're done you'll lick your bowl
then give a massive burp

it's probably silly and maybe dumb
but soup might have the answer
that it could even be your mum
who finds the cure for cancer

the only flower that firmly keeps
her head turned to the sun
and all day long the sun she sips
a tulip is the one

but one tulip looked away
and slowly turned her neck
from sun she looked the other way
her petals turned to black

and that is how she chose to stay
avoiding the suns light
she closed her petals to the day
to bloom just for the night

give the world back to the bees
the dolphins and the whales
black swans, white storks, wild geese
the cheetahs and the snails

give the world back to the leopards
the chickens and the goats
free the sheep from all the shepherds
and fish from fishing boats

give the world back to the fleas
and let them bite your ****
give the world back, do it please
before our home is Mars

it's been brought to my attention
you work ethic's down
at our most recent convention
you came dressed as a clown

at the conference hall
you heckled the guest speaker
and then you bared it all
running like a streaker

some people found it gutting
at the meet and greet
when you started cutting
toe nails on your feet

and at the black tie dinner
you unzipped your pants
then with a hot dog wiener
you used it to shake hands

so though i'm dissapointed
there will be no suspension
once more the host you've been appointed
for the next AA convention

in my next life i don't want to be
an ant, a cockroach or a flea

i don't want to scamper, hop or walk
but fly up high just like a hawk

or maybe more just like a kite
so you can reel me in at night

and also from rain keep me dry
so tomorrow once more i can fly

and when by winds my spine is shattered
and my whole frame is bruised and battered

on that day you may cut me free
please God don't turn me to a flea

this poem isn't about love
no i am not that nice
it's not about the stars above
and how i see them in your eyes

this poem will not make you sing
or jump high in the air
but you make each day the first of spring
with flowers in your hair

this poem won't make your heart quicken
or skip a beat once in a while
i won't mention how my both knees weaken
everytime you smile

this poem might not make you laugh
but it gave me butterflies
how i quickly got through the first half
when i came to realise

that this poem which i tried to pen
had these perfect words aligning
if poems aren't about love then
why are all the stars so brightly shining

I don’t think I will ever see
a poem as silly about a tree

a tree that is great for spying
at my neighbour by the pool lying

a tree that in the shade feels nice
with trunk that's as smooth as her thighs

a tree that's perfect for a rest
where underneath i touched her breast

and also further more to boot
among its roots I got a root

and in it’s branches there’s still a pair
of her pink laced underwear

this poem made me a little hard
thank God for the big tree in my yard

Bozo was a funny clown
with a funny wig
and a big nose reddish brown
with one shoe too big

on his shirt he wore a flower
made to water squirt
with it young girl's he would shower
and then with them flirt

but his career quickly ended
from being a funny clown
when one day he got caught red handed
with his ***** pants down

something's telling me this morning
today i will be hating
i can tell from how i'm yawning
and how i'm urinating

i can tell from how i'm brushing
and from how i'm shaving
i can sense it in the way i'm rushing
and goodbye to my wife waving

something's telling me today
things might come to blows
if something someone has to say
about the big zit on my nose

the following is a true story
which happened in a laboratory

in a sterile habitat
between a guinea pig and a rat

their mutual dislike has grown stronger
they fought about who's tails longer

but since a guinea pig has no tail
that fight was always doomed to fail

and when the lab rat took a bite
the guinea pig still felt alright

that day next to some test tube babies
two rodents found the cure for rabies

when you're diving until
you see a big fat eel
that's a moray

when you're seeing a fish
too big for a dish
that's a whale

when you see a commotion
deep underneath the ocean
it's no seal

bells will ring ting a linga ling
ting a linga ling ting a linga ling
you're a meal

it's a tale so so sad
of two lovers far apart
they longed for each other so so bad
with each beat of their heart

one decided it would be so so nice
if they finally met
so she booked a ticket with a so so price
and on her journey set

but when they finally met at last
she saw he looked only so so
and their love was over so so fast
when she found he was a hobo

diets do not work
as hunger they increase
and you can eat a whole roast pork
soon as you dieting cease

and when combined with exercise
a diet more backfires
how will you burn that steak and fries
when your gym membership expires

there is one way to lose that weight
a more permanent reduction
and a marriage contemplate
with a nurse in liposuction

it can't be fun being a nun
always wearing black
your body never seeing the sun
from a tanning deck

your bottom won't know how it feels
to wear a snug bikini
you'll never wear a pair of heels
a pencil skirt or mini

on the beach you'll never play
with your feet in the sand
no matter how hard you try to pray
your **** will not get tanned

it must be all a big mistake
but it's not done by God
why else would he a woman make
and not show off her ***

a diamond or a carrot
only one can make me sing
might look silly if i wear it
but I don’t care much for bling

and it would be quite idiotic
if you asked me if its real
one of them looks more ******
and with greater *** appeal

so maybe diamonds are forever
but they're not a girl's best friend
my screams have been loudest ever
from a carrot in my hand