Home is where the heart is
there is no journey shorter
all it takes is one quick ****
thanks to the aorta

Do you believe in destiny
that it’s not all a fluke
we’re living out a fantasy
from someone’s great big book

where everything has been scripted
written line by line
all that we have here gifted
ours, yours and mine

on paper with his pencils sharpened
the future he could see
but whatever it is that happened
you and I were meant to be

Sometimes love takes time
arrives with no surprise
takes a lot more than one dime
to win the grand first prize

You have to invest wisely
and pay with all your heart
then you might see it progressing nicely
on your life's Gannt chart

But with the deadline looming
you might need to act fast
or have you wrongly been assuming
love will forever last

He was a vegetarian Zorro
who fought with a zucchini
He didn't care much for tomorro
as long as he stayed skinni

All his duels long didn't last
and he was not the winna
Despite his awe inspiring ******
he'd often end up dinna

So then Zorro changed his diet
and grew a bigger tummi
and won each duel till he retired
wielding a salami

A very long time ago
a fish jumped from the sea
It's fins to legs began to grow
and soon it climbed a tree

Then a couple epochs later
i don't know exactly when
but some then started walking straighter
evolving into a man

But the theory of evolution
is not working all so well
as there is still a large distribution
of men who of fish smell

One look in my direction
makes both of my knees weaken
My life gets an injection
that's making my heart quicken

My ears both start ringing
while I to get cross eyed
My stomach then starts singing
growling deep inside

My armpits both start sweating
as do both my palms
My lips are quietly chatting
"I want you in my arms"

Please don't think I'm nuts
with my sudden transformation
your one look makes me spill my guts
with far too much information

We started with a bang
our love was like Kaboom
through the house our voices rang
from each single room

Years later our noise levels dropped
and continued to settle
until they completely stopped
except the TV and the kettle

and now all you can hear
through our whole house blaring
is when I open my next beer
while you're at me swearing

On the day that my world ends
I'll order some Chinese
inviting all of my best friends
then with my poems please

I'll also get a few nice wines
as some might find them boring
don't want to read my funniest lines
and hear some of them snoring

might also hire a hot masseuse
i won't mind extra spending
my poems are of little use
without a happy ending

Supergirl couldn't save me
and Lois Lane didn't come
Wonder Woman stopped to crave me
when she found out where I'm from

Batgirl she was too scared
and hid inside her cave
While CatWoman just sat and stared
as her tail stopped to wave

but you, you came running
with super powers non-existent
just a smile that's so stunning
rescuing me in an instant

After man is gone
who will next dominate
will it be a deep sea prawn
our world contaminate ?

maybe it will be our pets
they've had the best training
will it be our dogs or cats
our resources draining ?

perhaps a little gastropod
will break out into action
with their whole entire squad
blaze a trail of destruction

but i think deep from outer space
a creature will arrive
with something better us replace
from their USB drive

In the jungle far away
there was a very angry bee
he scared all that's in his way
and chased the monkeys up the tree

he bit the baboon on the ***
and made the elephant walk upright
he caused the lemurs lips be numb
and then turned the chameleon white

he stopped the playful giant otter
from having all his fun
he got the leopard into a spot of bother
and even got the sloth to run

but his rage was doomed to fail
when the lion he tried to sting
with one slap of his mighty tail
the lion continued to be king

I was with Tony, Frank and Javed
pre Christmas drinks with friends
and somehow that night they discovered
that i have woman's hands

they teased me with the way i point
and how i hold my beer
made fun of creams i might anoint
to keep them smooth and clear

they laughed that i sit down to ***
and made jokes immature
for my disorder doc's should see
if there's a manicure

to make them stop i was not able
"enough", i gave a shout
i banged my hands ******* the table
and then i stormed right out

then three days later with Jill and Maya
driving to post Christmas sales
i got both girls to change my tyre
that night i broke two nails

I was friends with Mike
we used to ride a bike
then I was friends with Charlie
together ride his Harley
and now I'm friends with Shane
who flies an aeroplane
but one friend i want still
is walk the moon with Neil

I'm not into eating out
with fancy dishes fed
give me a bowl of sauerkraut
with some crusty bread

i don't need to out loud laugh
with Le Chateau blah blah blah
give me a glass of homemade stuff
and I'll be ha ha ha

and i don't care if your thighs
don't fit in your old jeans
with beauty in your heart and eyes
we'll live like kings and queens

Love can cause us pain
and there's no medication
affects the heart and brain
and may cause constipation

It could make you drowsy
and lose all motivation
you might be feeling lousy
and need some stimulation

so i got you a gift
requiring refrigeration
there is no better lift
than a dose of intoxication

There's one way to the moon
it's via a rocket ship
you'll get there pretty soon
a most expensive trip

but i might take my time
because i found another
I'll use some words and rhyme
and get there via a ladder

my husbands always eating
something always munching
when walking or when sitting
he's on some substance crunching

chocolates, lollies, nuts or chips
his mouth keeps salivating
there is something around his lips
like a cow he's masticating

meanwhile here is me
a tiny roll with cheese and ham
and on the bathroom scale i see
an extra kilogram

It's just you and me
a blanket and the covers
a pillow, two or three
it's all that's needed by two lovers

A clear and starry night
A moon that is a crescent
it's the only light
that's in our room present

with only our hearts beating
until the night is through
and i can't wait to be repeating
our meeting just for two

What makes a poem good
is it the rhyming style ?
is it based on your mood
or if it makes you smile ?

Is it about the storytelling
and use of metaphors
must it have the right spelling
a few might say of corse

A few might say that it's free flow
poems should have no rules
some poems will give out a glow
and others shine like jewels

But maybe every poem can
be good and have a light
and that's why every night my pen
just wants to write and write

"I need a brand new diamond ring"
she said while out loud crying
I said "it will our wallets sting
let's not be diamonds buying"

she said "then get me a necklace
forget about this ring"
i said "lets try to be less reckless
true love don't cost a thing"

she said "your philosophy i don't understand
who made you Aristotle ?"
then i saw why a diamond is a girl's best friend
and a husbands is a bottle

If there is a heaven
I'm booking the next flight
on a 747
I'll get there overnight

might even get myself a treat
and pay a little more
sitting in a first class seat
a glass of champagne pour

and i might even have another
you need to travel well
flying economy I'd rather
be going straight to hell

I love dancing in Bahamas
and in New Orleans
I love dancing in pyjamas
and in your ripped jeans

I love dancing when in Delhi
and when in Hong Kong
I love dancing when I'm smelly
and when i really pong

I love dancing in Kathmandu
and Ole in Spain
I love dancing when skies are blue
and much more in the rain

I love dancing in Greece in Crete
and then when in Rome
I love dancing on the street
and when i am at home

I love dancing when leaving Dover
and on the ferry going to France
so before this song is over
let's make Paris our last dance

I love playing trivia
gives me such a buzz
What's the capital of Bolivia
surely it's La Paz

sometimes i love to dabble
and games with words try
that's why i love scrabble
so please don't quizzify

but there's one game i love more
it's the game of life
I'm playing since turning 24
and you're still my wife

Maybe life is just a dream
part of my imagination
then this life i have would seem
having a better explanation

With a complete understanding
of the current situation
Why each day at home I'm spending
living in this isolation

Why I'm seeing so much harm
only nightmares might allow
My last hope rests with my alarm
because i need to wake up now

Being a man of great distinction
i won't be renown
a much more colorful depiction
is me being a clown

at first i may seem being mysterious
with a strange demeanor
but just when you think i am serious
i laugh like a hyena

most find my attitude annoying
and treat me as a fool
but i have been my life enjoying
since passing circus school

when life throws you a bone
don't bark woof woof woof
what if no more is thrown
that would be a goof

so just look cute and happy
and you will have enough
pretending you are still a puppy
barking ruff ruff ruff

Every day is Friday
when we are together
even if it's Monday
and nasty is the weather

I don't have to drink
my heart already sings
so much that i think
that i will soon grow wings

Then take off to the sky
into the stratosphere
Tomorrow to the stars we'll fly
with weekend almost here

this year can go to hell
if it were a flower
like a hobo it would smell
who for a whole year didn't shower

this year is completely wrong
there is no way to put it
but if it were this year best song
all day i would mute it

this year if it were a race
and you were on a horse
you would finish in last place
while horse may fare much worse

this year has so much harm done
and hurt all of us plenty
so please hurry twenty twenty one
and *uck off twenty twenty

It’s nice being in our bed
While outside it is raining
On my chest your head
for once is not complaining

We are both snugly warm
Beneath our blankets napping
While outside there’s a fierce storm
That’s on our windows tapping

It feels like we are in heaven
Away from winter's harm
Then suddenly at 5.57
I’m thrown to hell by my alarm

We discovered life on Mars
It’s really no surprise
It’s not just us among the stars
There are these Martian guys

It happened when a Martian rover
Suddenly was found
Hacked to pieces and turned over
With strange signs on the ground

Then transmissions all went dead
As the last image caused a shock
When on the Martian soil it said
Go back to your own rock

my boyfriend is in the police
he has a great mustache
he's tall and strong like Hercules
and he makes me blush

he calls his biceps his two guns
his six pack is a ten
and even cuter are his buns
he is my perfect man

he could have been a Chippendale
i know it's rather silly
but he should really be in jail
with that tiny *****

Goodbye, you’re getting fired
Pack up all your stuff
Your contract has now expired
The earth has had enough

I gave you a much bigger brain
And removed the tail
But you only caused me pain
On a massive scale

You never learned to properly share
but like a virus breed
You stripped my land and oceans bare
With endless selfish greed

You have done nothing of distinction
causing mass pollution
then the world’s worst extinction
And called it evolution

and you started now to spread
to the moon and mars
so this contract we must shred
before you reach the stars

I should never had you hired
Maybe I was dreaming
But we are done here and you’re fired
So my earth can stop screaming

A man from Poland is a pole
that makes a German one a germ ?
then one from Holland is a hole
and from Peru must be a perm

If one from Scotland is a Scot
and an Australian is an Aussie
so one from Botswana is a bot
and from Mozambique a mozzie ?

Then every guy that lives in Greenland
must be turning greenish
i think it's best I move to Finland
and this stupid poem finnish

The most important time is now
let tomorrow wait
don't freak out, don't have a cow
enjoy what's on your plate

and drink what's in your glass
laugh until you're blue
do not fret, don't make a fuss
until today is through

so when tomorrow's finally here
stare it in the face
then tell it loudly without fear
my yesterday you can't replace

Love is rare as gold
or like a precious stone
but it can't be bought or sold
you won't get it with a loan

Many have searched far and wide
in mountains and in streams
some have even for it died
in others stayed as dreams

and some were left with broken hearts
and thrown into the dark
then suddenly the gold rush starts
when love starts with a spark

They say that life begins at forty
when you slow down and get less sporty
when you stop chasing after *****
becoming serious with less LoL's
and the only thing that's funny
is finding ways to get more money
with changes in your conversation
how you could better lead our nation
introducing some new legislation
discussing what's best for constipation
which should aid in defecation
lessening your heart's palpitation...
....
but i think my life began the day
when i saw you walk my way
and with that first initial greeting
i felt my heart then started beating
and since that first enchanting glance
it continues still to dance
this happened when i was twenty two
while playing football for a team in blue

Breakfast is the least important meal
that i don't want to taste
those extra calories only will
add inches to my waist

why should i have a french toast
or pancakes with some honey
who on earth would want most
to have their eggs a little runny

or an omelette with some cheese
with fresh fried strips of bacon
so tell me who wants breakfast please
or have i been mistaken ?

I want this to be
the last poem that I've written
while I'm sipping on my tea
after everything's been eaten

after everything has been digested
then gone to my mid-section
after every recipe been tested
and cooked to perfection

but now the dishes are all stacked
and empty is the fridge
I'm ready waiting fully packed
crossing my life's bridge

so let me slowly sip my tea
and let me out loud slurp
this poem i will want to be
worth a one last burp

We die and paint with words
our feelings blood red flow
with a paintbrush like a sword
delivering every blow

We hurt and cry in blue
our tears are like rain
and every time we think of you
our dreams will scream in pain

and we will love the suns first ray
then shine like stars at night
so when we die our words will say
a heart once used to write

This guy likes jalapeno bread
with jalapeno cheese
he eats both till his face turns red
screaming on his knees

He likes to work, he likes to play
but mostly it's the latter
He loves it when the skies are grey
because he daydreams better

It's true he isn't into cars
he's not a handy man
and when night comes he counts the stars
while his hand holds a pen

This guy then finally goes to sleep
and all that his dreams see
is you, some say that he's a creep
but this silly guy is me

My love for you is true
like one plus one is two
In every other calculation
my love is part of the equation
and if i minus or i plus
the answer always equals us
It's true that numbers never lie
my love is endless just like Pi

Trying to find meaning
to all that is around
has me lately leaning
that no answers will be found

while my head keeps spinning
looking for a reason
as my years keep thinning
with each passing season

so as the moon keeps grinning
and stars all brightly shine
the only answer which has meaning
is tonight you are mine

I always dreamt in black and white
no red or green or blue
always until last night
that's when my eyes met you

and now my dreams have come alive
with purples, yellows, pinks
i cant wait neath the bed sheets dive
to get a few more winks

and all i want is to see you
while snoring with delight
in red and green and also blue
not boring black and white

they came to me at night
once more as i expected
they were as black as Anthracite
and all my dreams infected

they choked my every breath
me slowly suffocating
they spoke bout darkness and of death
my heart out loud pulsating

then on the hopeless sky
there rose a sphere of light
and once more i was rescued by
my full moon shining bright

The lighthouse keeper was kept busy
through a foggy night
Spinning, spinning till he got dizzy
then fell and broke the light

and as he scrambled off the floor
he went into a spat
The lighthouse keeper swore and swore
with fog this and fog that

Some girls have formed a rumour
I climbed out of a grave
and though i have a sense of humour
I belong in a cave

That babies look at me and stare
then begin to cry
One mother once fell off her chair
when i was walking by

Cats get scared and start to hiss
dogs begin to growl
I've seen drivers red lights miss
and police sirens howl

They said only a mother could
love a face like mine
maybe it's why she often would
drink massive loads of wine

So I don't know what you saw in me
on the day we met
but gosh we worked out beautifully
and I'm still ugly as a bat

Why are our oceans salty, why ?
couldn't they be sweet
or made of chocolate oh my oh my
I'd dip more than my feet

Why are our deserts made of sand
and not of flour why ?
world hunger would then surely end
I'd less from hunger cry

Why are our ice caps melting fast
like icing on a cake
we must change our ways, we must
and quicker our cakes bake

My ocean is no longer blue
nor is it far and wide
and sea birds that above it flew
have disappeared and died

The sun has nowhere left to set
and moon no place to shimmer
there is no wind to steal my hat
and all the stars shine dimmer

The waves don't play for you and me
without our footprints in the sand
and when the sun kisses the sea
there's no touch of your hand

So while my eyes cannot see you
I'm sure of one thing then
my ocean never will be blue
until we meet again

I buy, she cooks, i eat
we have a perfect deal
from cakes to salads and with meat
she makes a perfect meal

I bring, she knits, i wear
her jumpers keep me warm
and though i look bit like a bear
I've survived every storm

I sit, she talks, i nod
about things sentimental
and at least she believes in God
not something transcendental

I mix, she pours, we drink
often one after another
we laugh, we sing that now i think
it's time i move in with your mother

True friends are hard to find
that's why i have a dog
and though i don't smell his behind
I've given him a snog

While he then licks my face
and i give him a pat
We laugh about girls we used to chase
and how they all got fat

We get along so well
wagging both our tails
True friendship can be really swell
between any two males