Christmas should be changed to Giftmas
because gifts are the main reason
from their excessive expensiveness
we have this festive season

All the shopping and the wrapping
and wallet exercising
Many days of planning, prepping
and endless organizing

and when we're finished with the spending
and exhausted as a dog
the only gift that's worth defending
is a homemade spiked eggnog

In the future we're all pretty
our bodies firm and tight
we're intelligent, smart and witty
and our teeth are white

Our dietary intakes
are measured to perfection
and we do not make mistakes
and like our own reflection

Our life's are lived in opulence
and no one smokes or drinks
and there is no more flatulence
which is why our future stinks

My first love wasn't for a girl
but i fell for a cloud
one that would to heavens curl
mighty strong and proud

and I loved every single type
from Cirrus through to Stratus
while Cumulonimbus took most of the hype
i even loved Mammatus

then all i ever wanted to do
was to learn more about the weather
but then I met a girl like you
and now we love these clouds together

I took out sugar from my diet
a silly thing to do
I thought that maybe i could try it
and lose a pound or two

so maybe I could fit into my
favourite pair of pants
and not make some outrageous lie
they were eaten by some ants

and maybe it might also make
me tell less silly fibs
but instead I ate an entire cake
now i cannot see my ribs

hehehe = mc²

A part of me just wants to leave
and start from the beginning
grab my hat and roll my sleeve
and give my life new meaning

Another part wants to remain
stuck in my nine to five
attached to a golden bowling chain
believing I'm alive

and then there is a tiny part
which tells me not to care
as long as I'm laughing from the heart
and have clean underwear

This year I will need Santa
to bring us more than Fanta
and i don't mean world peace
our wars will never cease
and i don't mean more presents
they are for kids and peasants
but this year Santa Claus
must think hard and then pause
and moments before swooping in
spread love and joy with his vaccine

I used to Zinc back then
you were my Oxygen
a shoulder I could cry on
and as strong as Iron
but as the years passed
your love began to rust
and when I got the flick
I Zinc you were my Arsenic

I'll write a song with simple words
for what I feel's a simple thing
There won't be any complex chords
my heart the only string

and maybe I'll sing out of tune
and also need two takes
but then again who's not immune
from making some mistakes

but one thing you might realise
is when I sing my song
You will hear these birds in the skies
all want to sing along

Some say it's written in the stars
that's why my eyes look up
Some say that it is swirling round
with tea leaves in a cup

Some say our palms read like a leaf
and tell us when we'll fall
Some say they see it all in cards
some in a crystal ball

Some say they can interpret dreams
but i think it's pure lies
I read my future from one look
all written in your eyes

Everything we do on Earth
it's all so temporary
from the moment of our birth
to our obituary

From the ***** to the casket
were on a short lived journey
but we're adding so much to our basket
and requiring an attorney

Accumulating so much junk
could be our inherent flaw
to the next world you can't pack your trunk
I know as I studied law

It wasn’t love at first sight
but at second glance I think
The first time she threw up all night
from far too much to drink

She vomited on my brand new shirt
and loudly at me swore
She was covered all with dirt
from rolling on the floor

But when she finally sobered up
our love became so clear
when she poured into a cup
her morning wake up beer

Go and seize the day
grab it with both hands
don't worry what the others say
or if it offends

Don't be bashful or be shy
trust your heart and nose
reach out and then touch the sky
on your tippytoes

and then let yourself be fooled
that your life is complete
before the rug is swiftly pulled
from beneath your feet

There's an old man in the mirror
staring back at me
it's no longer getting clearer
what will our future be

Now we don't see eye to eye
we're on a different page
no longer best friends, him and I
since arrival of old age

We might need some time away
to our friendship find some pluses
and see an Optometrist today
because this old man might need glasses

Tell the ones you love, you love them
say it, sing it, shout it
Tell them that you’re thinking of them
don’t just think about it

Tell them any time of day
or night when you're in bed
Tell them, let them hear you say
three words that must be said

Tell them and all will be better
and will be so sweet of you
Tell them, don’t write a poem or letter
but say it loud, I love you

Seeing old chaps exercising
gives me lots of hope
that as my years keep rising
not to ditch my skipping rope

and also have my dumbbells handy
by the liquor cabinet
so my hands can hold more than a brandy
and a cigarette

definitely I'll keep my running shoes
as a memory when i was thin
and to run to get a bit more *****
or from wife's rolling pin

My favourite constellation was Orion
It's what i always felt
Through summer nights i've had my eye on
his shiny three star belt

He always was a poignant figure
in his huntsman possie
there was no dream that could be bigger
for a small young aussie

but years later boy became a man
and dreams came to an end
till i discovered rhyme from a pen
and found my hunting friend

its not a lie but really
i sweat quite profusely
when im eating chili
but even if its muesli

and it gets much worse
when in an anxious state
i sweat then like a horse
at the starting gate

somewhere cold in Norway
early i'll retire
till then there is no escape doorway
from sweating like a liar

No man is an island
for true love we all search
whether it's in Thailand
or Sunday morning church

Always looking for someone
for that special person
whether it might be a nun
or maybe Elle McPherson

Then magically we get together
might need a prayer, or eight
but tragically love depends in whether
in bikinis she looks great

Eggs aren't very funny
They don't like cracking jokes
or things could get a little runny
from their spilling yolks

and eggs unfortunately never will
have humorous tales to tell
but my stomach laughs with every meal
when they come out of their shell

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow
you can choke and die
so a new diet now I follow
where my every word’s a lie

Tonight my hugs are free
because you've been so nice
you can have one, two or three
with kisses at half price

Everything will be reduced
and heavily discounted
so hopefully you will be seduced
and into my arms shunted

So hurry throw yourself at me
this chance won't last forever
tonight we should make history
from my greatest sale ever

sad poems make me cry
that's why i compose
silly poems that won't try
make you blow your nose

and no tears will be shed
though you might need tissues
laughing while you wet your bed
from weak bladder issues

which is why i always write
and funny poems share
no one wants to cry all night
just change of underwear

Everything will be OK
it will be fine my dear
just give me Tapas on a tray
and a glass of chilled Sangria

Walk and do not run
but don't sit around all day
Don't get burnt but get some sun
Work and rest and play

Believe but do not preach
be real but have your dreams
Live a little bit in each
don't do anything in extremes

Life has a perfect fit
and the key is moderation
because your life will still be ****
but between diarrhea and constipation

let's talk about the weather
a great conversation starter
makes men and women come together
from London to Jakarta

except for those in Singapore
where it's harder to be flirty
when everyday there's a storm at four
with a maximum of thirty

A blast of the morning sun
gave my face a slap
yelling loudly "wake up hon
It’s no time to nap"

Screaming "get up from your bed
I’ve been up for an hour
Brush your teeth, clear your head
and then hit the shower

Go outside, run and play
stop all your complaining
tomorrow you can sleep all day
when it will be raining"

Think outside the box
don't be such a square
be as brave as Goldilocks
and tackle every bear

Take your Gretel and escape
deep into the woods
put on Superman's red cape
or Red Riding Hood's

So fly away, sail or ride
to find your holy grail
while your pen has ink inside
go write your fairytale

Water equals life
they both go hand in hand
like a credit card and a wife
two best friends till the end

Sometimes I'll write a poem here
and think it's my best ever
but then the very next day, oh dear
it's in the trash forever

I need to reinvent my wheel
from going round and round
It makes my head spin and i feel
like I am nowhere bound

Every day i get more dizzy
from the same repeating
All my hair is turning frizzy
and my brain's overheating

Stuck in a perpetual roll
something has to give
before my journey hits the wall
I need to stop and live

In the jungle the mighty jungle
there is a polar bear
there must have been a mighty bungle
how did it end up there ?

In the ocean the deep blue ocean
there swims a kangaroo
among the fishes there's commotion
did it escape from the zoo ?

In my garden my luscious garden
there is a black rhino
before you say i beg your pardon
how it happened i think i know

and why the lion the mighty lion
tonight is wide awake
in cargo hold flying Hawaiian
from yet another Fedex mistake

The Beatles sang about it
and Shakespeare wrote
Chopin couldn't shout it
but you feel it in each note

Vincent would just paint and paint
through each starry night
Valentine became a saint
and Romeo and Juliet might

It's also there each time I blink
maybe each time I snore
This love is here to stay i think
even when I'm sixty four

My home is all i want
I don't want to travel
World's mysteries i don't
want to see or unravel

Give me my tiny couch
and my coffee table
where I banged my knee, ouch
and tripped on my power cable

Where so many glasses
of wine have been filled
A home is where there's many splashes
from when my heart has spilled

Goodbye Poetry

Winter one day, summer the next
we don't have a spring
this was my early morning text
to my friend in Beijing

Yesterday i wore a sweater
today it is shorts
i never know what to do better
hit the gym or tennis courts

then suddenly it started raining
while through came his reply
stop your whining and complaining
at least you can see the sky

Dad, your journey was amazing
i know some days were rough
but you loved to joke, and loved stargazing
and made those around you laugh

You also loved a drink or three
a smoke or maybe twenty
and you were always there for me
and mum you loved her plenty

Every stranger you would meet
would soon become your friend
and though you lived a life complete
each journey has an end

So dad until we meet again
my heart will feel these scars
but each night i'll still see you when
I gaze at the stars

The concept of eternity
is a little daunting
trying to grasp it's enormity
is all of my dreams haunting

The answers that I've found
are beyond my understanding
as my beliefs are formed around
a beginning and an ending

So this notion of forever
is too big for my small brain
all i can do is be clever
writing poems in a quatrain

If i was a dog
all would be my friend
while everyone I'd snog
and eat from every hand

My tail would be like a fan
waving left to right
every woman, every man
i would love with delight

Except of course for cats
they think they are so smart
a bunch of dumb aristocrats
I'd love to tear apart

Teach a man how to fish
and he will smell like fish forever
and it's then when you will wish
your idea weren't so clever

Give a man a fish
and he will always hungry be
so stop serving it as a dish
and just order KFC

The best things in life are Brie
there is nothing better
although a few might disagree
and say that it is Feta

While others say there is no match
for Swiss is a best seller
Some think that is bit of a stretch
and swear it's Mozzarella

But maybe there is no winner
and every cheese is great
especially when you've had no dinner
and there's cheese on your plate

I remember when an *******
happened every day
gave me so much satisfaction
and many hours of play

then the frequency had dropped
with satisfaction being drab
and in fact it would have stopped
if it wasn't for the web

but now all that i see harden
are the calluses on my hands
from many hours in the garden
the satisfaction never ends

My neighbours across the street
are somewhat bizarre
not once did we ever greet
they don't even have a car

They're playing music very loud
and often there's a party
on weekends always there's a crowd
and all the girls dress tarty

Maybe they're just much too young
of friendship there's no hope
especially after i got sprung
with my telescope

He died doing what he loved
when killed by a goat
who while hunting his gun shoved
deep inside his throat

then the goat pulled the trigger
and his guts exploded
while the goat began to snigger
and the gun reloaded

then it shot him in the head
right between the eyes
sometimes a hunting trip turns bad
and the hunter dies

Many things can **** you here
From a spider to a snake
Every step is walked in fear
And could be the last you take

You can even die from heat stroke
or it could be from thirst
It’s happened to many a bloke
And you wouldn’t be the first

So while you're sipping on your beer
the truth i must confess
that the most likely reason you’ll die here
will be from loneliness

Today is sausage sizzle day
time to cook some snags
next to me my dog will stay
while his tail wags

while my cat's eyes will be stuck
to every move i make
hoping that with bit of luck
i drop one by mistake

the neighbours i might meet as well
from both sides of the street
finding new friends from the smell
of sizzling sausage meat

today could really spice my life
while i get hot and flustered
might even meet and snag a wife
with my home made mustard

Noses are red and lips are blue
living in Reykjavik
the nights are black and days are too
the winter's very bleak

and they're long while summers short
i never see the sun
living by a frozen fjord
is never that much fun

my world is always wearing whites
everywhere i go
and i keep seeing northern lights
through my curtains glow

one day hopefully will come by
and life's stops being so cruel
when Reykjavik is blown sky high
by Eyjafjallajokull

My jokes are all light hearted
lighter than a feather
none have hiccups started
or cause leakage from their bladder

No one has rolled on the floor
in stitches and in tears
no one has begged "please no more"
covering their ears

All my jokes end with no laughter
and none i have seen smiling
this is usually followed after
their fingers police dialing

"Girls looked at him not me
perhaps he was much taller
I walked like someone wanting to ***
he walked like a high roller

He rode a loud bike that looked cool
mine i had to pedal
He was the fastest swimmer at school
in maths i won a medal

then i got into computing
stuck behind a screen
while between girls he was commuting
hehehe you know what i mean

and he would get all the chicks
be one of those heartthrobs
while i became one of those geeks"
proudly said Steve Jobs

Strawberries really are
from another planet
arriving from a nearby star
in their little punnet

A big dollop of fresh cream
splashed down the next day
from a nightime sparkling stream
called the milky way

Deep from space they both arrived
and our senses swirled
with a taste that's still described
as out of this world