Forget the future, forget the past
Don't get ******* in those places
Live for today like it's your last
without tying your shoelaces

My starsign is a capricorn
and this is what it wrote
"You think you are a unicorn
but you are just a goat

Standing on a mountain top
thinking you're a leader
But really your life is a flop
and you're a bottom feeder

Meanwhile your future is so glum
that's beyond hilarious
maybe the blame rests with your mum
you're not a Sagittarius"

There's a forest fire in Spain
and a typhoon in Japan
India's in floods from heavy rain
and an earthquake in Bhutan

There's a virus outbreak on a cruise
a ten car pile up on a bridge
and we just received some breaking news
there is no milk in the fridge

and the breaking came with quite a smash
like a collision of tectonic plates
then a loud thump and then a crash
and the slamming of front gates

so you might hear a disturbance great
with wives spitting like they're llamas
that's why early morning in aisle eight
there are husbands in pyjamas

I need to buy myself new legs
and adjust my thighs
Then remove those dark sleep bags
from beneath my eyes

Get myself a brand new nose
one without a hook
so that i can sideways pose
and not look like a crook

Maybe i should change my face
the whole saggy lot
and pick a more exotic race
as long as i look hot

With my surgeon I'll discuss
my new look and design
It won't be long till all of us
becomes a Frankenstein

Copernicus liked to count
all the stars in the sky
until he reached an amount
that was much too high

Copernicus then started counting
once more from the start
but this time as he was recounting
he made himself a chart

Copernicus then saw it clear
as the last star he would enter
was a star that always has been near
and placed his wife at his life's centre

These days all that I look forward to
is a lazy lazy Sunday
before I'm thrown back inside the zoo
on a crazy crazy Monday

In a cage with lions, wolves and snakes
and silly chimpanzees
Allowed only two five minute breaks
from stinging busy bees

I count each minute until five
then bolt free like a horse
so I can breathe and briefly feel alive
because a mad mad Tuesdays worse

"God sees everything we do"
I saw it last night on a sign
I certainly hope that isn't true
he'll know I'm drinking too much wine

and that I have a smoke or three
sometimes it includes a ****
and my browsing history
is filled with websites that are wrong

This feels really so unfair
I don't know what God does each day ?
I'm sure when he has time to spare
he has a glass of chardonnay

I am who I am
and that is all that I'll achieve
I failed trying to be Sam
and couldn't quite be Steve

I almost made it being John
but then it got too much
and when I decided to be Ron
I felt being out of touch

so I resigned just to be me
at least I feel at ease
and all day long I can be free
that even Sam agrees

There's not much fun in getting old
when you're getting ready for bed at seven
Middle of summer and you're freezing cold
and half of your friends are in heaven

There's not much fun when you call it a night
after your second glass of wine
and when you're asked to sign but you've lost your sight
and cant find the dotted line

There's not much fun when just one sneeze
can somehow lead to bronchitis
and you ask for a fork when you order Chinese
because your fingers have arthritis

There's not much fun in getting old
no one said ageing is great
so on this summers day while I'm freezing cold
goodnight all its almost eight

When I first heard about internet
I thought it was something about fishing
which was posing a massive global threat
and less seafood we'll be dishing

Then I heard about this world wide web
I thought it was something about spiders
Some virus invented in some lab
and only known to a few insiders

Now I hear about something called WiFi
and that it's always dropping out
I think it's something to do with a fly
which keeps landing on my smoked trout

There's nothing better, they say
than a sunny sunny day
when it's nice and warm outside
and you can walk, take a run or ride
maybe have a picnic in the park
enjoy the sun till it gets dark
and all your washing will have dried
by the time you're back inside
although lately I've been thinking
and it's not because of drinking
that I prefer when the weather's hairy
as it goes better with my glass of sherry

Remind me of our happiest days
Bring them back to me tonight
When my eyes saw colours instead of greys
and my dreams weren't black and white

Take me from where I am now
because I need them all so much
Please allow me to remember how
my heart those days still wants to touch

and leave me there far in our past
because that's where I want to be
and the only memory that I want to last
are happiest days with you and me

Freedom does not exist
We'll always be in chains
under someone else's fist
pulling on our reins

Following some made up scheme
Fed with blatant lies
Told we are part of a team
yet no one hears our cries

Drowning in a world of rules
from law books off the shelf
It's why freedom is for fools
and only you can free yourself

You cannot choose your neighbours
luck will decide that fate
They come in many flavours
from noisy through to great

Some won't be to you speaking
and some straight out of hell
some of tobacco reeking
or some illicit smell

But then one will arrive
who might make things less tense
and make you all night through till five
spy over the fence

The fastest way into your heart
was directly through the chest
and so I grabbed my every dart
aiming with my utmost best

I had to get there really fast
before the others could
and so I had to win your trust
so you can see I'm good

Then suddenly you let me in
and your first love I became
Now I think you actually let me win
because how dreadful was my aim

I travel in my dreams
and I've been to many places
It's much cheaper it seems
without packing suitcases

Don't need a passport or a visa
or booking complicated flights
to visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa
or see the Northern Lights

and to climb the Eiffel Tower
no need to plan ahead
because I'll be there in an hour
when I hit the bed

A wicked witch lived in my room
and on me cast a spell
each night on her black evil broom
she took me down to hell

There in it's darkness I would stay
and in it's fires burn
I searched but couldn't find a way
and to the light return  
  
then suddenly a bright star would appear
and all my eyes could see  
that an angel was now living here  
when I saw you next to me

Day 18908
a bit like yesterday it was spent
yet once again to work I was late
and some lie had to invent

With four coffee's needed to get me going
followed by six cups of tea
While all day long my hunger kept on growing
that I had my second lunch at three

Then I got home and dinner was at five
with an evening made in heaven
I already can't wait for the weekend to arrive
on Day 18911

Things have a way of working out
somehow in the end
while we keep getting knocked about
by life's each twist and bend

On this long and bumpy trip
we struggle with it's reins
and find ourselves under the whip
feeling all the pains

So try to stop, relax, refuel
pull over to the side
then climb your camel, horse or mule
and get on with the ride

The truth is that I just don't care
but I just want to be somewhere

With you beside me far away
and wait for love to show the way

and I don't care where is this place
as long as it makes both our hearts race

unless of course it's just too dear
so let's do the pub and split a beer

The worst thing in the world
is a dentists chair
I sit on it with my toes curled
reciting the lords prayer

My procedures all end in disappointment
lasting more than hour
just like yesterdays 1pm appointment
when I shook like a chihuahua

As I listened without blinking
to the drills loud screeching ballad
and I couldn't help but thinking
why for lunch I had a salad

but what made things even worse
as I lay shaking underneath
was when the pretty dental nurse
pulled fresh parsley from my teeth

... and poets will keep on writing
singers keep on singing
countries will continue fighting
with their tails stinging

lovers will continue trying
to find love everlasting
dreamers will continue flying
through their sad days blasting

and haters will continue hating
but let them all continue
while this planet keeps rotating
what matters is what's in you

I have a serious long term plan
but it needs some revamping
because it was written way back when
my interests were girls, bars and camping

So I won't be needing a new tent
or a second hand guitar
and I will not need a place to rent
next to a cocktail bar

To the army I will not enlist
or join the mile high club
I can scratch all of them from my list
but I'll move next to a pub

The sound of rain makes me sleep better
that I don't need sleeping pills
I even moved to a place that's wetter
high up in the hills

When it rains here it's often pouring
which adds to the charm
and it often has me loudly snoring
right through my alarm

Sometimes the sound is in my dreams
but there's a few I dread
those when I'm surrounded by gushing streams
which make me wet my bed

My four best friends are my four walls
The fifth one is my ceiling
Each night for help they hear my calls
and know the pains I'm feeling

My sixth best friend is my cold floor
on which I'm often lying
and no one really knows me more
when tears I'm on it crying

My seventh used to be my door
but lately we don't talk
I'll need to know my six friends more
then I will through it walk

A spring chicken I am not
but the chicken's still inside
while much older I have got
from many things I run and hide

I am petrified of heights
spiders, roaches, other men
I keep my lights on through the nights
because of ghosts I'm not a fan

When I see needles, I turn blue
so I've not had my Covid booster
There'll be no ****-a-Doodle-Doo
from me who'll never be a rooster

There's hope for you and me
it's in each tiny sparkling speck
otherwise the night sky would be
just completely black

Our lives are far too short
we need new legislation
our politicians ought
to be extending our duration

We need a brand new referendum
vote "YES" for an extension
Our constitution needs an addendum
so we can enjoy our pension

Something significant of note
A nice healthy addition
otherwise I'll be forced to vote
for the opposition

There is evil all around
with a lurking presence
Inside of us it can be found
and from presidents through to peasants

It's ugliness is often plotted
but sometimes it's abrupt
and often too late when it's spotted
as it's made to erupt

With an explosion that's horrifying
but it's worth believing in
that while evil will continue trying
good will find a way to win

She was a damsel in distress
who ripped her wedding dress

the first time ever it was worn
now was brutally in half torn

with tears rolling down her face
she wished this day she could replace

but as she stumbled down the aisle
her face began to form a smile

she then her veil skywards threw
and let it rip with an "I DO"

What we write about means little
we're just a tiny drop
Nothing but a single skittle
in a chocolate shop

A grain of sand, a speck of dust
insignificant as an ant
A burnt useless piece of crust
that's not worth a cent

and yet each night these words we pen
and poems we complete
because even a single skittle can
make someone's evening sweet

My dog's a sleepopotamus
A carnivore gone wrong
The size of a hippopotamus
who sleeps all day long

He only wakes up once a day
that's only to get fed
The only time he wants to play
is when it's time for bed

and he'll rarely chase his tail
or ever chase his sticks
but he can half a cow inhale
in three or four good licks

Life is not a competition
just being happy you're alive
but without it we may lack ambition
with no desire and no drive

What we all want is a goal
A reward to quench our thirst
There is something deep inside our soul
that wants us to be first

But sometimes in life all you need
without trying to be fast
is great friends, drinks and a tasty feed
and I'll happily finish last

In the beginning there was nothing
then a coffee bean popped up
suddenly hot milk started frothing
with steam rising from a cup

There was sipping, there was slurping
with loud sighs of ohh and ahh
there was dipping, there was burping
and people laughing hahaha

Then on the seventh day God rested
that's when all of us got busy
so much caffeine was ingested
it still makes our planet dizzy

Why do some people become mad
when they get behind the wheel
Did they wake up from the wrong side of the bed
and forgot their morning pill ?

It's as if they're suddenly someone else
the minute that they start to drive
their mouth vile obscenities yells
you'd think the devil came alive

Although I know exactly how that feels
with my sudden change of face
When I put on a skirt and my pink high heels
and Friday evenings become Grace

When I was just a little boy
I had a strange obsession
It would my mum and dad annoy
fearing a possession

It didn't involve dolls or cars
a goldfish or a cat
but staring at the moon and stars
and with them have a chat

So much that nothing's changed tonight
I still my evening's spend
to say hello when I first sight
my distant crescent friend

Thinking isn't good for us
making us believe we're smart
intelligent and clever plus
it can set us apart

With believing that we're always right
and everyone else is wrong
It can even make us want to fight
feeling powerful and strong

like for example this poem here
has me thinking it's the best
but perhaps the only thing that's clear
is that I need an IQ test

I was told that during my baptism
things didn't go so well
They had to perform an exorcism
to drag me back from hell

Apparently I started myself soiling
while very loudly crying
It looked like the water started boiling
and the priest was a baby frying

Some people started to run and shout
leaving a lasting aftermath
that to this day I let bubbles out
when I take my Sunday bath

Most of us lead normal lives
blissfully uneventful
happy with our nine to fives
for the weekends thankful

Satisfied with the things we eat
and the stuff we own
Thinking our lives are complete
before our candles blown

But myself,  I am so unique
I know there's so much more
so starting maybe from next week
I'll work from eight to four

I'm looking for some proof
that there is more to this
From raindrops on my roof
to hearing my cat hiss

In the way the early bird
sings his favorite tune
To your softly spoken word
when you spot the moon

The answers must be all around
with evidence astounding
maybe the proof I need is found
in how our hearts are pounding

My dogs biggest problem is about food
and waiting to be fed
and making sure in the neighborhood
every cat is dead

Always making the postman run        
and at all strangers growl
Then when the day is finally done
at the blue moon howl

I wish these problems were all mine
A dogs life sounds amazing
instead of opening my third bottle of wine
and on a second pizza grazing

Once I used to be attractive
with a high IQ
My mind and body crazy active
I used to be like you

But now my looks have disappeared
I'm active like a sloth
my most attractive thing's my beard
I'm outsmarted by a moth

So jump each day and touch the sky
among the stars stand tall
before the only thing that's high
is your cholesterol

No one would notice me before
but now they all stare at me
Is it because I weigh so much more
and my big belly they can see ?

Maybe I look like some most wanted ?
or is there a halo above my head ?
by these questions I'm often haunted
as I insecurely tread

Perhaps it's only my imagination
that I'll never understand
as I walk back to my car from the petrol station
with five hot dogs in my hand

We all live only once
but who wants to live again ?
unless it is in southern France
or Ibiza Spain

I might even reconsider
having another go
if I could live in Florida
or Cancun Mexico

But there is no doubt
I'd live a hundred lives
if I could live all of them out
in beautiful Maldives

If my life was just one day long
I would be now my dinner plating
listening to my favourite song
an end to a hard day celebrating

With a dessert treat to look forward to
and my best loved TV show
Hoping there is much less to do
just an evening warm and slow

and when I'll finally fall asleep
among the moonlight beams
It's you that in my arms I'll keep
so I can find you in my dreams

Who tells your heart how it should beat
does anybody know ?
I've not been in the drivers seat
to how my blood should flow

and who knows how their stomach's working ?
or kidneys, lungs and liver
besides some rumbling and some burping
somehow they deliver

So what exactly is our role ?
Who's really in command ?
just when you think you're in control
one **** can make that end

"Can I go to the toilet please"
was the first sentence I was taught
After arriving from overseas
when my English equalled naught

Then I learned a few more sentences
like "She'll be right" and "G'Day mate"
meaning soon there were many instances
when I was forced to mum translate

Now my English is just so much better
though when I speak it still sounds funny
or when writing poems or a letter
especially while I'm in the dunny

Why do I feel that everyone
is getting too frustrated
From doctors, teachers, even a nun
all feeling agitated

and everybody's speeding, swearing
filled with so much hate
No one's smiling, no one's caring
with all things running late

Is it just me who feels this way
or can you also tell ?
That something isn't quite OK
and our world is unwell

To give her nose a better look
Jane booked a Rhinoplasty
To make it small without that hook
so that it looks less nasty

But when the surgery was finished
Jane got quite aggressive
She saw her nose had not diminished
but her ******* were massive

I need a light on my horizon
Something money cannot buy
No brand new Iphone or a Dyson
or checkered blue silk tie

I don't need a car with four wheels
some Porsche or Lamborghini
or a girlfriend with high heels
wearing worlds most shortest mini

I just need an orange sky
when my painful day is done
because money cannot buy
the last ray of the setting sun