Usually I will choose each word I type, but tonight
Tonight there will be none of that
I will just write and write
Because my heart dreads sleep, dreads the drawn out pause between beats
Reminding me that I am going to die
Already dead, inside a lie
There should be warning bells and blaring alarms
As I sit huddled over my phone and cannot think of one person
Whose favors I haven't yet worn out
Who I can turn to in my pain
Tonight I am alone
In my own two torturous hands
I am weary beyond sleep
And the only voice to hear is my own
Urging me to give and give and get up, because it's not enough
I am not allowed to break, or feel
But right now, I look around my room and it seems that one end has grown distant from the other
And as I sit in the middle of space
What can I say?

I feel like slashing my wrists with knifes
I feel like giving up
I feel like killing myself
I feel so powerfully alone it makes my teeth chatter

If you're out there, and you've felt this
I'm sorry
I'm here though
We can hurt together, be alone together
Tonight

My heart shatters
When you hold me
My body shudders
Your arms around my shoulders
Pull silent tears from my eyes

The way my eyes look at me
They have always been cruel
But you-
Your embrace is one of solidity
One of caring
And if I could, I would leave myself folded in your arms for eternity
A hopeless addict stumbling for your light
Your love

Would you cry for me?
I want you to
I want you to hold me, and tell me
That I am powerful and beautiful and deserve better than this
I want you to lend me your frame so I may stand propped up against you
Because my feet only know solid ground when I am in your arms

You say
"I care"
And those two words are enough to break my heart