strange thoughts on another nervous night
and i find myself thinking of you as a time of day
that moment when the sun rests at its highest
and you trust it to never go away
but the feeling fads, just like the light i thought we'd made
now i'm reminding myself that each teardrop counts
as much as the ones that came before
and the ones that fall inevitably after
you're stuck on my mind
and i don't know how well i'll handle it this time
if i cant love you as a lover i'll love you as a friend
these memories keep me warm at night and safe until the end

a pair of eyes
a pitch dark room
not a sound
but your breathing
heavy
and i whisper
i could live like this
forever

recognition gets us nowhere
it's just another *******
we all claim no one cares but
we're all clamoring for the attention
just another minute
just another glance from lonely eyes
bath me in your light
bless me with your appreciation
tell me i'm good enough
i can't sleep until i succeed
and i'm tired
i'm so tired
all i want to hear is
something positive
help me
i'm terrified of being left behind.

the ground we built our world upon is sinking fast beneath our feet
i'm begging for a sign but you've lost the will to speak
all the hope is here right now
all the hope is fading beneath the ground
buried but breathing
mistaken meaning within the empty spaces your words are leaving
some say that love is all you need
only fools expect miracles from such soiled seeds
if a pictures worth a thousand words
i'll be the loudest noise you've ever heard
you mistake the home for the cage
i hold tight while you're wasting away
i'll count my blessings within the rain
left soaking wet and you never hear me complain

this is forwarded to you
no one i know owns anything
and i don't think most people i know ever will
i'm tired of being bewildered and hanging on to helplessness
i want it all to end soon
know that anything is possible
in these moments of such complete denial
but everyday clumsy stubborn beautiful ideas
wither and rot on the vine
i'm tired of this so called state of affairs
i'm calling an end to fear and paranoia and self-intimidation
i'm done watching the world spin, as if nothing is happening at all
i'm done waiting
this is dedicated to waitresses and junkies and carpenters
to secretaries and schizophrenics and alcoholics
to the imminent societal collapse
this is dedicated to all those who are denied the love they so justly deserve
and everything inbetween
the future is as it ever was
unsure and bleak and beautiful
for all we know, tomorrow they might arrest us all
listen closely to the movements
ascribe adequate weight to dissidents and whisperers
some hearts only keep on beating as long as you keep on listening
try to be free
try not to be afraid
no matter what they say
the end of the world will never come.

you weren't the first to fall
life can be unpredictable
what matters is that you stayed
when everyone else slipped away
so call me back home
i'm sick of wandering these streets alone
i've been feeling like half of a whole
crawling into bed alone
and every night i see you face
it seems so far away
i bend and stretch and climb
but fall short everytime
then i'm back in bed
your last whispers through my head
until again the sun goes down
and you come back around
(that night the blind man dreamt he was blind)

As the fire of knowledge grows, the more it illuminates all the things we have yet to know. It begins to seem that most preconceived notions are nothing more than petty misconceptions. Perspective is relative but not always relevant. And yes, sometimes it can be stupid and pointless and boring. But that doesn’t make it worthless. If it’s all a game anyways, a game you have to play, why not play to win? Accept that sometimes importance is self-fulfilled. It matters because it exists. It exists because it matters. So stop being afraid to admit when you’re wrong. Learn from it. Move on. Stop trying to be perfect and just try to be good

Justice exists in the world
but it can't be everywhere
for everyone
all of the time
The idea that good things
happen to bad people and
bad things happen to good people
is a mistake
There is only good
bad
and people doing what they can
with what they find in front of them
Yes, it's beautiful
and it's okay that it doesn't mean anything to you.

a night unlike those before
someone who always asks for more
and the inspiration will never be found
you can't blame the seeds for being planted in the ground
drunken nights without sleep
broken promises you'll never keep
memories too restless to die
lies not kind enough to die
nothing good is original
everything good is dead
i've warned them all before
no one else listens to the voices in my head
but *******!
it can be hard to believe
in something you have no hope
of ever being able to perceive
i don't blame you for refusing
to place faith in what they say is true
but the decisions been handed down
and there's nothing else that i can do.

awakened by a tapping at the window
the raven arrives on broken wing
he's reaching for relief
but she only wants to hear him sing
ignorance is a bliss she had failed to mention
left with nothing but time for reflection
so he sings the song he's sung
a thousand times before
and she listens for the thousandth time
always ready for one more
when he's done the glass slams in his face
his mirrored image staring back in her place
and so he tries to fly
but falls straight down
goodbye blue sky
hello unfamiliar ground
and if you see him
a ball of rotted flesh
know that he tried his best
and gave til none was left
felled not by a broken wing
but a broken heart

search through me
with such hollow eyes
while i sit and wonder
what you'll find inside

so open the hymnal
and sing the songs
and tell everyone how
you spoke the truth all along

how heavens empty
and this is all there is
how they'll never make
amends with all they've missed

preach forgiveness while
you take from behind their backs
tell how gods just a *******
who'll never forgive us for what we lack

rip off your robes
and burn down the cross
make the confident question
leave the found, now lost

As with the pursuit of happiness
I'm lost in the pursuit of truth and
it's all so idealistic.
Credited too much
yet not enough.
I dream of the chase
and the horrors of consummation.
Once elusive
now captured
lost of its glamour
turned false with time
easy and boring
like so many others
just another half-truth.
I am certain
and I am unsatisfied.
No love lost in possession
but found in the quest
of all these uncertainties.
You turn all my answers
into questions.
I don't consider myself
competent enough to judge you.

the worlds two loneliest people
sit beside each other ever day
but they live up in their towers
from which they never stray

there is one window
but there are no doors
there are endless stairs
connecting empty floors

a rope bridge runs between
the two stone towers
maintained but never used
over golden fields of flowers

they look out occasionally
and sometimes see each other
they'd each like to meet
but each leaves it to the other

and nothing ever changes
and each of them die alone
each wishing they'd taken those first few steps
a mutually feeling never known

i remember you used to joke that you were the grace
and i was the fall
now i find myself stuck in a moment when i realized
you never really knew me at all
you don't recover from a night like this
the night is out of shooting stars
and i'm cursed with this one last wish
i have a terrible feeling i only died so i could haunt you
what is purpose without love?
sacrifice without blood?
go like christians to the lions
skip the trickle, bring the flood.

my feet meet the summit the same time the sun reaches the ridge.
I'm still trying to make sense of it all.
strange thoughts on another nervous night.

some say one man makes no difference.
there's no such thing as a peaceful revolution
a bloodless war.

well then
what the hell are we waiting for?

while they pray for peace,
pray for plagues!
when they turn to the sky for rain,
raise your arms and beg for flood.

see them off with nothing but grief and despair in their hearts
only then can they truly understand what needs to be done.
these traditions have no place if they serve no useful purpose.

for the future has no respect for sentiment
and neither do i

my mother taught me to trust in gods hands but to always expect the worst. my school taught me that it's important to learn, as long as what i wanted to learn what they wanted to teach. society taught me that different was good and we're all one, all except those people over there, and those people over there, and those people over there... my doctor taught me that drugs were bad while he blew coke in the bathroom. cliques and subcultures taught me to be myself as long as i was just like everyone else.
i take them down to the river, and bury them in the muddy water. and i know that i shouldn't, but i'm sick of the hypocrisy. i'm sick of questioning love and pretending to be like them. i would rather be rejected for being myself than be accepted for being who i'm not. i'm done feeling small.
that is all.

i used to think that you were gods
but now i know you're only men
(oh, how i know men)
you think i'm scared of death?
i've died a million times
i'm quite good at it by now
how good are you?
(if you don't help me
you'll soon find out)

When I told her I loved her, I meant it. 'Love' was not a word I'd ever used loosely. I'd given it a lot of thought. We were good together and I was happy.
Then one night, you walked through the door; the air became electric and everything changed. A fire was lit, full of feelings I'd never felt before. All I knew was that I wanted more. Our conversation that night was fluid, it flowed and it flowered. You listened with interest, not just waiting for your own turn to speak. As you turned to walk away, with a smile on your lips and a swing in your hips, I felt a piece of myself leave with you. I was glad; I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have more though, and I wanted to have you.
When I'd told her I loved her, I'd meant it. The problem is, now my definition of love has changed. She deserves for someone to feel for her the way I feel about you. I never meant to hurt her, but the greatest lovers are murderers first.

you will die an outcast
at the hands of strangers
you will sense no danger
your last breath in this life
will be the first breath of the new
there's no way to see this coming
and there is nothing you can do
some will say it was too little, too late
but we both know it's just another bad diary day

the reason i cant breathe
why i'm losing sleep
the waters always cold
and i've been drinking from my knees
eyelids stuck together
i haven't smoked in like a week
living in the shadows
missed the forest for the trees
bodies growing wider
patience growing thin
the plants all move inside
seeking shelter from the wind
questioning thoughts of doubt
while your teeth are rotting out
paranoia
everything is dying
i finally feel alive
praying for an answer
whatever i decide
so they beg for rain
with sacrifice of blood
your wishes will be granted
your reward: the flood.

fleeting glimpses of angelic silhouettes
caught up in old mistakes and regrets
the tide line recedes
leaving a trail of fire in its wake
she's abandoning chance
and embracing faith
and i just hope she remembers to bend
before she breaks.
when i look at her
i'm reminded of someone i once knew
now she's just a stranger in my room.
(she was like suicide; everyone flirted with her, but few were man enough to pull the trigger).

a time
a place
positive energy
negative space

everything you are
we've already bought
the price is fixed
can you live with it?

dipped in glue
fashioned with paper wings
dreams of escape
and other impossible things

none of this means anything to me
none of this means anything to you
a sense of urgency
but we've both lost our nerve.

i know that i'm a mess
and i'm less than you deserve
the wires of my brain get so tangled
i don't know why i say the things i say
last night, when i told you i hate you
and i pushed you and told you you should leave
in my head, what i really meant by that was
i love you! i'm sorry! please, don't leave!

walking alone one night
and the wind, it blows
wondering of time and space
love and other things i'll never know
before i knew it,
i was back in my own yard
the glow was gone
my mind was back on guard
another miserable december
no, i know i'm not dead
i know i'll make it through
but blood flows harshly in my head
the moon glares down
followed closely by its army
back inside, inside the bed
where it's never able to find me
feeling the call of sleep
but staying awake instead
rather stay where i can find you
rather keep my mind inside my head.

sorrowful songs, a soliloquy
for a ship that's blown off course
deep-seated planted memories
of sacred moods divorced
where a tree once stood
or, a guiding light
two tracks both lead the same
long shadows cast
from stars above
separate faces share a name
avarice rained upon the field
a requiem for a dream
days drag on whilst years fly by
not knowing what it means

and you find yourself alone again
you realize that this isn't a phase
it's the overwhelming trend

there's miles still to go
and days before you sleep
it's been 27 years and
you still don't know what it is you need

your neck cramps up
your back aches
your eyes burn
your hand shakes

you say you don't care
but oh, you do
repeat til they all believe
but you know it's never been true

get home
find they're all gone
dry your eyes
and drive on

and your heart isn't lost
and you're worthy of love
and i know the feeling of
feeling dragged to the bone
and i know strength
because i've seen it

midnight late last week
photos on the wall
of someone i don't even know at all
i still can see her face
she was only eight
relaxed as hell
she was my baby before she became a lady

some prophesies burn down
long before they can disappear
there's a reason that one stuck out
stuck out wider than the others
with leering eyes and reeking of charm
all you need is a hand to take a hold of the scene

it is a choice
it is inevitable
it is selfish
it is selfless
it is weak
it is strong
it is forever
it is never
it isn't erasing pain, it's sharing it.
it is the reflection of a blade, lowered, from the throat of your reflected image.
it's sleeping it off again and again and again and again towards infinity.

suddenly, he plunged his finger into the glass of water, as if to blot out a reflection that only he could see. he said "i've had a thousand half-loves, oh sometimes i want to shoot myself just thinking about it. those that endured me, endured the salvation of my soul! hold tight, use both hands. and even when she asks, don't ever let her go."

Your words within me
attached by needle and thread
stitched into my being
constantly crashing in my head

and he spent all his time thinking of the last thing she said. "I'm only dying so I can haunt you", she coughed, a slight smile on her lips. after that, the only sounds her body could take credit for was the beeping of the machine beside her bed and the humming of the feeding tubes projecting from her mouth. for six days, he held her hand in silence. occasionally, tears would would fall down his cheeks; his family assumed they were caused by grief, but the truth was, it's because he hardly blinked. he didn't want to miss a moment.

now he spends his time lost in thought, illuminated by candlelight, waiting as patiently as a man can. He stays up every night, praying for a sign. A ghostly apparition. A manifestation. Something to let him know she still thought of him as much as he thought of her. He knew that if she didn't come back soon, he'd go and find her himself.

the air is heavy with the taste of blood and metal, the smell of smoke filling the cracks. remnants of candles and red, everywhere. moments like these make me hope that heaven is real. moments like these make me believe that heaven is unlikely, improbable and, worst of all, impossible.

i haven't been happy
since i was young
all responsibilities
no fun
i'm slave to a master i'm not even sure exists
and i don't know how much longer i can do this
just another sunrise just another sunset
and i'm still trying to remember how to forget

so i sat and watched you bleeding with a book
they say a pictures worth a thousand words
but there's not yet enough words to describe that look
that you gave to me before you went home
i'll keep wandering in bed alone.

swollen, pushed to the edge
                                and no one remembers the price
                                           holding so tightly
                               could we ever trust honest again?

On the way home, I stopped at the field. Standing at the edge, I was greeted by a million tiny faces and they were all asking the same question. "If you really don't care, then why are you so angry all the time?"

Who said it would be easy? I mean, no one survives. We watch what we love wither and die. There's so much artificial light. All the things you go through, they stay with you. And you've tried, because you're supposed to.

There are colors in your eyes that the rainbow will never know.

That is all. Goodnight.

You reached down and said "lover! lend me your hand! let me make you well again!" but I don't want another one of your opportunities. Frankly, I'm sick of living on my ******* knees. I've decided to wait and see what chaos brings for me.


((I've learned to count the cuts, now let me cut you open and count the rings))

i told you not to start what you couldn't finish, you dismissed it and called me ridiculous. now you're lost, drifting like a ghost along the coast, calling and all alone, pacing under a moon that's 400 miles from home. you sound so confused, but i told you that would happen; i just never thought you sink the entire ship to **** the captain.