this is forwarded to you
no one i know owns anything
and i don't think most people i know ever will
i'm tired of being bewildered and hanging on to helplessness
i want it all to end soon
know that anything is possible
in these moments of such complete denial
but everyday clumsy stubborn beautiful ideas
wither and rot on the vine
i'm tired of this so called state of affairs
i'm calling an end to fear and paranoia and self-intimidation
i'm done watching the world spin, as if nothing is happening at all
i'm done waiting
this is dedicated to waitresses and junkies and carpenters
to secretaries and schizophrenics and alcoholics
to the imminent societal collapse
this is dedicated to all those who are denied the love they so justly deserve
and everything inbetween
the future is as it ever was
unsure and bleak and beautiful
for all we know, tomorrow they might arrest us all
listen closely to the movements
ascribe adequate weight to dissidents and whisperers
some hearts only keep on beating as long as you keep on listening
try to be free
try not to be afraid
no matter what they say
the end of the world will never come.

this is forwarded to you
no one i know owns anything
and i don't think most people i know ever will
i'm tired of bewilderment and helplessness
i want so many thing to end soon
and i know anything is possible
in moments where everything is denied
but everyday clumsy stubborn beautiful ideas
wither and rot on the vine
i'm tired of this so called state of affairs
i'm calling an end to fear and paranoia and self-intimidation
i'm done watching the world spin, as if nothing is happening at all
i'm done waiting
this is dedicated to waitresses and junkies and carpenters
to secretaries and schizophrenics and alcoholics
to the imminent societal collapse
this is dedicated to girls kissing girls
boys kissing boys
boys kissing girls
and everything that falls in between
the future is as it ever was
uncertain, bleak, beautiful
for all we know, tomorrow they might arrest us all
listen closely to the movements
ascribe adequate weight to dissidents and whisperers
some hearts only keep on beating as long as you keep on listening
try to be free
try not to be afraid
no matter what they say
the end of the world will never come.

it's wild and it's wonderful.
it's haunting. beautiful.
i've never felt so devastated. or relaxed.
overwhelmed. cathartic.
this must be what they mean by 'a religious experience'.

it makes my heart beat different.

She said
Son, there is nothing special about you.
You come from a long line of regular people.
There was nothing extraordinary about me or your father
or our parents and their parents.
There are no prophecies or legends about your coming.
You aren't destined to do great things.
I leave little money and few possessions.
There are no great riches awaiting you.
There are no secrets.
You are you, and nothing more.

He said
Mom?

She said
That means
there is no path set out for you.
So anything you accomplish
anything you become
will be truly your own.

Thursday

It's another glorious spring morning, and I find myself struggling to find the beauty in it. I fear I'm engulfed in one of my "spells" again; I fear I won't be able to handle it this time. I know, it's not fair to you, nor I, nor us. I'm confused all the time. I can't read, I can't write, I can't think. I just wanted you to know that you brought all the happiness in my life. No one else could've made it better.
I know that I'm ruining your life. I know that this will devastate you. I know that you'll blame yourself. But I also know that, eventually, you will recover. You will. You have to.
I'd like you to remember me as I was, before all the terribleness. Remember me at the dock in San Diego, when you grabbed my hand and we fell into the ocean like a fever, or a daydream. Remember me when I dropped the turkey in front of everyone on Thanksgiving; when I laughed it off but you knew, and later you held me as I cried silently in the hallway. Remember me as a time of day, when the sun rests at it's highest and you trust it to never go away.
Not all experiences are meant for everyone. I gave it all I had. I gave you all I had. You were "it". You are it. It's not that I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I know I never was.
Loving me is like loving a house on fire. Leave me behind. I want to remember this as love, not lost.

You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.
Baby, you know I'd never hurt you
but you're only pretty when you're crying.
I'm alone at least 6 nights a week.
Don't deny it.
Don't you dare try to lie to me.
This is passion in the form of red-handed denial.
Play the piano like a disease and
tell me exactly what the distance means to me.
Altar. Sacrifice. Martyr.
Time. Energy. Life.
Every person makes their choices.
You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.

recognition gets us nowhere
it's just another *******
we all claim no one cares but
we're all clamoring for the attention
just another minute
just another glance from lonely eyes
bath me in your light
bless me with your appreciation
tell me i'm good enough
i can't sleep until i succeed
and i'm tired
i'm so tired
all i want to hear is
something positive
help me
i'm terrified of being left behind.

a time
a place
positive energy
negative space

everything you are
we've already bought
the price is fixed
can you live with it?

dipped in glue
fashioned with paper wings
dreams of escape
and other impossible things

none of this means anything to me
none of this means anything to you
a sense of urgency
but we've both lost our nerve.

Be honest, be free, give yourself completely.
Don't hesitate to make things.
Don't talk yourself out of doing things.
Be full and fit to burst.
Stop sitting and watching and copying.
Stop being dead at heart.
Let them have their TVs and cars and money.
Let them crawl in imitation.
Let them be common and dull.
Quit leaning on your beliefs.
Words are easy and cheap and petty.
Delineate yourself through action.

I think I finally see
I think I can learn to love the little things
When you love the thought of life
more than life itself
you start spending a lot more time in your room
Ignoring the phone until it stops ringing
It's all feedback and self-aware anyways
The reflection in the mirror is smaller
but just a little bit clearer
Can you keep a secret?
I scream your name
once more, just to see you
Pinkie promises and haiku
and everything that meant the world to me
Sleeping with stained eyes on warm summer nights
You know it's quiet
I just want you to call me baby
one more time with feeling
If I bought the plates
who cares if I break them?
I'm finally fine
I'm shaking.

i went out last night
and saw a light.
the moon stood back
and it was foggy.
your face was hard
upon the ground and
the light was everywhere.
"oh, what a loss!"
i was caught inside a coin
with a girl with flaming hair
reaching out to find what was
already in my hand
praise be! glory be!
the roots are strong and deep
figure eights til infinity.

(this was just another story.
no one is waiting for you.
there is no tree.
there no warning.
no heat.
no flash.

there are long hallways
and warm water-fountains
there is no ceiling
and you may never stop.)

walking alone one night
and the wind, it blows
wondering of time and space
love and other things i'll never know
before i knew it,
i was back in my own yard
the glow was gone
my mind was back on guard
another miserable december
no, i know i'm not dead
i know i'll make it through
but blood flows harshly in my head
the moon glares down
followed closely by its army
back inside, inside the bed
where it's never able to find me
feeling the call of sleep
but staying awake instead
rather stay where i can find you
rather keep my mind inside my head.

and we're burning down the places
that we swore we'd never leave
you're all exaggerated gestures but
no one can tell just what it means
stumbling around with ****** knees
broken noses and a split lip
you're begging for the cure
we'll do whatever we can for it
the last book read was buried
so many years ago
all you want is to go home
but can't tell which way to go
and i've forgiven everything
that you said
although i must confess
i still want you dead
you pull me up
only to push me back
i'll figure it out myself
without the weight of what you lack.

hopping fences
under faint street lights
i mean, everybody does
picking splinters while we discuss
all the possibilities
of what will be and what was

and i know myself
better than anyone else
so save yourself

i think there's a god
and good or bad
he ignores either way
in the middle of the night
he listening with my friends
when i kneel at my bedside and pray

and i pray for myself
and everybody else
and the only one he helps
is himself

and i threw the match
and lit the funeral pyre
i prayed one final time
blew a kiss to my friends
and gave myself to the fire.

she constantly knew more
than she was willing to say
her eyes always gave her away

i reached for her
as she stared out
into the distance

she asked me
"if you knew now
what you'll know then
would you still do it all again?"

i held her hand and said
"no matter what the future brings
i'll always choose the very same thing."

she smiled like she understood
and we embraced.
i don't think she truly believed me
and it's been years since i've seen her face.

Sometimes I look at people
as something disposable.
It's never how they said it'd be.
Nothing ever is.
I have my moments
but I know I'm
just a big coward.
Everyone has their moments
but we all know we're
all just a bunch of cowards.
Selfish.
Grandiose.
Narcissistic.
Afraid.
All this freedom is dangerous.
Left free and we're
reconsidering
analyzing
questioning.
If there was a better way to go
we'd have found it by now.
Come close, I have something to tell you.
I'd give up everything I've got
for just a little peace of mind.

You just kept saying
you didn't know what else to do.
I'm not really listening.
I mean, you're a stranger.
Why should I care?
A stranger with the face
of someone I used to know
of someone I thought I knew.
Now all I see is you.
How can anyone know how it feels?

[Keep it like a secret, safe inside your chest.
A toast to what's been taken, and cheers to what is left.]

As with the pursuit of happiness
I'm lost in the pursuit of truth and
it's all so idealistic.
Credited too much
yet not enough.
I dream of the chase
and the horrors of consummation.
Once elusive
now captured
lost of its glamour
turned false with time
easy and boring
like so many others
just another half-truth.
I am certain
and I am unsatisfied.
No love lost in possession
but found in the quest
of all these uncertainties.
You turn all my answers
into questions.
I don't consider myself
competent enough to judge you.

I hate the uneducated and the ignorant.
I hate the pompous and the phony.
I hate the jealous, the resentful.
The crabbed and mean and petty.
I hate all ordinary and dull little people
who  aren't ashamed of being dull and little.
I hate the New People
with their cars
and their money
and their T.V.s
and their stupid vulgarities
and their stupid crawling imitations.

I love honesty and freedom and giving.
I love making, I love doing.
I love being to the full.
I love everything that is not sitting
and watching
and copying
and dead at heart.

i heard sirens through the windows
as i decide to clean up my mess
running to the basement
with nothing but a pillow
i'm beating her
and she's laughing
i lunge and land
directly on top of her
pressing the pillow to her face
i sing for glory, oh hallelujah!
she struggles, then stops
i cry as i lift the pillow
but i'm met by a smiling face
she was only pretending
right then, the door is kicked in

i awake in a sweat
that's the first time
i've ever dreamed of ******.

swallowed up and
we're leaning on the edge
leave it behind and
remember it as lost
leave it behind and
remember it as love

four thousand milligrams each
and i'm still not sure what to say
when you ask why i want to leave

and i listen to all your lies
as we lay beneath the stars
each representing things we've been let down by

the future is inside
it's not somewhere else
i just want to be with someone who makes me feel alive

just because we kissed on lovers lips
well that don't mean we're in love
and i have a decent idea how we've ended up like this.

it never felt quite right
but that doesn't make it any easier to leave
no words, just tears running down your face
and the blood smeared on my sleeve
i thought you knew everything
you thought i could do it on my own
but i need more than this
i'm ruined to my bones
i'm run through. washed out.
lonely. forlorn.
so please, give me your hand
and give me what i need
give me just one more chance
and i'll bite the hand that feeds

any chance we could stay dark?
blowing blunts late night in the park
you can take the high road
leave more room for me on the low
and although i will always love you
these questions only god can know

i'll always be there for you
but some mountains just
aren't meant to move



i remember the shape of your dress
that smell of the shampoo you used to use
i can't remember the color of your eyes
i really can't remember much more about you.

we held hands on this
our last night on earth
while we kissed
our mouths filled with dust
the shadows of the trees
confuse our blood upon the leaves

we walked along the path
we followed closely to the sea
the skyline was on fire
and the smell of smoke hung in the air
like some terrible disease

as the storm approached
and you gripped my withered hand
i knew i'd gladly fade away
if it meant i could walk with you again

you bent the knee
i pulled his tail
**** the pestilent
you preach betrayal
i wonder what's in your eyes and
on your mind
you just want to feel better
i'd rather cut you open and
count the rings
you chose to believe the lie
i'd like to burn the whole system and
mix the dirt and ash and spit
you know it's a road well-traveled
i've done it once and
i can disappear again.

standing on the edge
and
i'm reaching out
you actively ignore
all of the effort i put forth
instead you focus on the sky
pray that you could fly
take that solitary step
forget all that you have left
behind
but i tried
i tried

and all those ******* phrases
about the glory and amazement
a burdenless existence
and somehow we're the victims

i ran to the edge and
i reached for you
you never looked back
i didn't expect you to
i watched as you sank
like a stone on the sea

(i'll never understand
what it meant for you)

and i find myself wondering
how i would react on a sinking ship
would i reach for someone to hold?
would i look for a bottle of whiskey?
would i bash my fists and gnash my teeth
would i cry out and curse the sky
would i allow my tears to slip into the sea
and give to the grip of the grave that's reaching out for me?
or would i accept my fate with a smile on my face
content as it slipped beneath the waves

i sat in church
only to find
the devil at the pulpit

i went to the club
and happened to see
an angel on the dance floor

i've heard that god
is always listening
but i've seen the devil
and his arms were wide open

standing on the edge
soaking it all in
while i think about
yesterdays surgery
and what the results mean
it looks real, tastes real
feels real, but
i'm too tired to appreciate
despite all that's created
i'm still so lost
and i want to believe
that the way i am doesn't
have to be the way it is
why can't it just be how i wanted?

i'll never be a famous writer
you'll probably be the only
one who'll ever read these
i'll never be quoted, revered
or even remotely successful
i will forever know the struggle
of a life lived within mediocrity
but i've accepted that
it's okay
i love it just the same.

precariously perched
at the end of every nest
all the siblings already gone
he's the only one that's left

his parents sit and watch
with an ever watchful eye
he tells them that he's scared
and this was their reply

"we've taught you all we can
only one more thing you've left to know
if you want to learn to fly
first you need to learn how to let go"

and with that, they pushed
their baby to the world
the chick fell a couple feet
but then flew away a bird.