Thursday

It's another glorious spring morning, and I find myself struggling to find the beauty in it. I fear I'm engulfed in one of my "spells" again; I fear I won't be able to handle it this time. I know, it's not fair to you, nor I, nor us. I'm confused all the time. I can't read, I can't write, I can't think. I just wanted you to know that you brought all the happiness in my life. No one else could've made it better.
I know that I'm ruining your life. I know that this will devastate you. I know that you'll blame yourself. But I also know that, eventually, you will recover. You will. You have to.
I'd like you to remember me as I was, before all the terribleness. Remember me at the dock in San Diego, when you grabbed my hand and we fell into the ocean like a fever, or a daydream. Remember me when I dropped the turkey in front of everyone on Thanksgiving; when I laughed it off but you knew, and later you held me as I cried silently in the hallway. Remember me as a time of day, when the sun rests at it's highest and you trust it to never go away.
Not all experiences are meant for everyone. I gave it all I had. I gave you all I had. You were "it". You are it. It's not that I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I know I never was.
Loving me is like loving a house on fire. Leave me behind. I want to remember this as love, not lost.

You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.
Baby, you know I'd never hurt you
but you're only pretty when you're crying.
I'm alone at least 6 nights a week.
Don't deny it.
Don't you dare try to lie to me.
This is passion in the form of red-handed denial.
Play the piano like a disease and
tell me exactly what the distance means to me.
Altar. Sacrifice. Martyr.
Time. Energy. Life.
Every person makes their choices.
You chose the plague
at the expense of the holy child.

recognition gets us nowhere
it's just another *******
we all claim no one cares but
we're all clamoring for the attention
just another minute
just another glance from lonely eyes
bath me in your light
bless me with your appreciation
tell me i'm good enough
i can't sleep until i succeed
and i'm tired
i'm so tired
all i want to hear is
something positive
help me
i'm terrified of being left behind.

a time
a place
positive energy
negative space

everything you are
we've already bought
the price is fixed
can you live with it?

dipped in glue
fashioned with paper wings
dreams of escape
and other impossible things

none of this means anything to me
none of this means anything to you
a sense of urgency
but we've both lost our nerve.

Be honest, be free, give yourself completely.
Don't hesitate to make things.
Don't talk yourself out of doing things.
Be full and fit to burst.
Stop sitting and watching and copying.
Stop being dead at heart.
Let them have their TVs and cars and money.
Let them crawl in imitation.
Let them be common and dull.
Quit leaning on your beliefs.
Words are easy and cheap and petty.
Delineate yourself through action.

I think I finally see
I think I can learn to love the little things
When you love the thought of life
more than life itself
you start spending a lot more time in your room
Ignoring the phone until it stops ringing
It's all feedback and self-aware anyways
The reflection in the mirror is smaller
but just a little bit clearer
Can you keep a secret?
I scream your name
once more, just to see you
Pinkie promises and haiku
and everything that meant the world to me
Sleeping with stained eyes on warm summer nights
You know it's quiet
I just want you to call me baby
one more time with feeling
If I bought the plates
who cares if I break them?
I'm finally fine
I'm shaking.

i went out last night
and saw a light.
the moon stood back
and it was foggy.
your face was hard
upon the ground and
the light was everywhere.
"oh, what a loss!"
i was caught inside a coin
with a girl with flaming hair
reaching out to find what was
already in my hand
praise be! glory be!
the roots are strong and deep
figure eights til infinity.

(this was just another story.
no one is waiting for you.
there is no tree.
there no warning.
no heat.
no flash.

there are long hallways
and warm water-fountains
there is no ceiling
and you may never stop.)