No.
I said no,
And I said stop.
Stop the mimicking and
Stop the panicking.
I slow down, the harmful energy and
the indefinite noise’s drift away.
I lay my eyelids above my eyeballs and breathe
That’s it, I just breathe.
No,
No I am being pulled back into my memory
I feel a whoosh, I rip my eyes apart
Hoping to see where I have arrived
I’m standing inside a moving subway
It’s dark, a fabric all surrounding me
There is no light but
My hands emit glowing white
I stand in the middle of the entrance
Stuck temporarily, staring down the doors
That stand before me
Boom.
The subway train comes to an abrupt stop
Lights flash different and randomized colors
Behind the closed doors
And they open, running away from each other
Desperately.
On the opposite side, I see a memory
It’s me and my sister and my grandfather
Sitting at the kitchen table
And we’re arguing over what card game to play
And it’s raining outside,
The water drops harshly against the concrete
Outside, and I happily smile.
The subway starts to shake
I feel my insides droop at the
Thought of forgetting
This comforting moment
My eyes dripping tears like
The raindrops outside
The doors close, running towards
Each other now
The subway takes off again
I stand in a state of gloom
Wobbling slow waiting for the
Subway to
Stop.
Because I said no,
And I said stop.
Melancholy rips the doors apart in front of me
Revealing every memory as the subway
Moves past most at lightning speed
Memories of late night horror movies,
And memories of old friends
Memories of the place burned into my brain
And memories of the place that will always remain.
Memories of the man who dared to touch my family,
And memories of my mom letting him.
I can feel myself getting more tired,
The sensations run through my weak body,
Fear
Anger
Sadness
Anxiety
Depression
And joy.
The knees below me
Quaking, and I fall.
Down on the ground
The floor is cold and hard
This is my nightmare,
My life forever fearful
This is where I’m from,
My memory forever ignited
This is my worst enemy,
My past forever haunted
And this will forever be inevitable.
I will always live with this
I will always live with my past
But I could’ve sworn I said no.
And I could’ve sworn I said stop.