i was fifteen; disoriented; drunk on shame and a little *****
violated; infringed upon me like a school yard bully
waiting to pounce upon his young victim
i was dressed in white, a pure vacancy
with every drink i was unknowingly inviting the lion
making a bitter den for his carnal disposition-resentment
a secret-i never promised to keep it
we share blood! a casualty, unforgivably forgotten

i wasn't able to bear the weight of his words any longer
needed to relieve the tension building up in my somber, fragile, bones
my apprentice was a slender, silver blade
and i unlocked the beasts' crate-allowed him to flow through the wound
like rain-underneath the bright streetlight on a december evening
looking for anything to help me forget

but the beast i set free, the beast was me!
with that final laceration i desperately looked for the thread
the thread that could stitch my hand back onto wrist
but time became syrup-slowing and sticky
and the moon shone on my left limb, wrongful display
i reach for my pulse. drowning in the cold

in my note-i should have apologized to the maid
for having to clean up
all my pain

what makes me so unappealing?
is it the way my thighs briefly touch then curve
only to meet again?
my crooked smile?
tired eyes?
the way my hair curls and winds?
my attaching heart?
my small, needy hands?
my glistening blue eyes?
the wishes in the fallen eyelashes that I neglect
to brush from my cheeks?
my age that doesn't reflect my maturity?
the gaps in my brain that can never be filled?
my skeptic heart?
my pulsing wrists perhaps?
my slender neck that curves too late?
the crevices from mountains on my cheeks?
how have I become something I promised not be be?
why do I lack what other girls have?
where have I gone wrong?

I'll drop a twenty dollar bill into the take-a-penny tray at the local gas station today
A tiny donation to the broken mother with four kids who needs a tank of gas to get her to a job that barely pays her the money she needs to feed her children
She goes without tonight

I'll smile at the Walmart door greeter this week
An acknowledgement that will ripple through her subconscious to tell her that suicide is not an option
The boy on check out lane 4 is

I will pull over expeditiously for the ambulance racing by
The new father to be is craddling his newborn baby
Crying out helplessly while his fiance bleeds on their new kitchen floor
Her life will not be lost today

Your reactions to the world around you are what show the world that it does not revolve around you
You revolve around it
Feet planted firmly
Gravity holds down the ability to stay content to my skin like microbs burying into a foreign body

Hold the door tomorrow
You might meet your reason to wake up

I changed my sheets today -
the ones that smelled like your cologne...
Actually, "tore them from my bed with the ferocity of Midas" may be more appropriate.
Because I couldn't stand to spend one more night pretending as if you were here -
or as if you were ever coming back.

I washed that shirt you wore
You know, my favorite one.
The same one I've slept in every night since you left
just praying to find some morsel of solace
to delay the impending insanity of sleep deprivation.
But just because I could smell you
didn't mean you were there...didn't mean you were real
and I almost started to wonder if you'd been here at all.

I didn't eat today
or the day before that, if I'm being honest.
Food has no taste, no pleasure
without you at the table, fork and knife in hand
ready to devour it - and me.

I went for a walk today
down the street to our favorite spot
and I didn't spend my time wishing you had your arm around me
or wishing you were holding my hand
or wishing that your warmth was pressed against me to help tame the goosebumps.
Or at least I tried not to.
But who am I kidding?

I met someone new today.
He smiled at me and said something forgettable..
then asked me to go to dinner with him next week
and there's nothing I'd like more than to say yes
but still...

After all this time
I know it's your face I would see staring back at me across that table
and your body I would wish for
lying next to me in bed.

You smell like cigarettes and old books,
Taste like the salt of regret.
Eyes as brown as your leather jacket,
Silence as cold as the night we spent
Laughing and kissing.

I should have known-
The night was so cold and you
Covered my shoulders as if to
Distract me from the ice behind
Your warm embrace.

I should have known-
You only looked me in the eye
When physicality transcended
And you had me in your grasp.
Lust is the only emotion
Eyes don’t betray.

I should have known-
Brown is so warm.
Yet you love the snow.