My worldview changed 2 months ago
I realized I couldn't afford grad school

Since then my brain has been aflame
Looking for jobs, scholarships,
ANYTHING

I should have a real job
But that actually doesn't pay?!?

I can get a scholarship
Yeah, and compete with thousands

I could be a sugar baby
You couldn't deal with the shame

And now
Do I even want to go anymore?

It's all futile nonsense
The nurtured dreams of changing the world?

There's no money to train for that
And you'll make no money in doing that

You work, you get kids, you move to the suburbs, you read them cute books and encourage them to have a career just like you but BETTER.

Until they look back after thousands in tuition and realize that
The degree they got in how to save the world?
Hardly pays more than McDonalds

Maybe I don't want to save this world
Maybe it doesn't want to be saved

Thank you for being forthcoming
Let's go!
Just got out of the ocean dripping in water and sweat
Tell me more how you miss me

He stopped me on the sidewalk
And I almost walked away

My politeness stopped me
Perhaps he's lost?

But then, he was very cute
Charismatic, bright-eyed, skilled

Show a girl a picture of his sourdough
Yeah, he wins her heart

Later, I confess my unacceptability
He thanks me, and still asks me out

Now he breaks the touch barrier
Now we're holding hands
Now we're walking home
Now we're in his bed

Over the intellectual conversation
The latter part of the night is what stays seared.

I feel like I am watching myself apart
An anthropologist, an endocrinologist

The hypothesis is: I've warily fallen
Romance is truly odd

I dread sending a friend one text back,
And yet I restrain myself from texting him each day?

Stupid hormones
Stupid brain

How could you be so desperate
Selective in your end to loneliness

The day expanding
Colors bursting from the ground
The glow beginning
Winter surrendering

Spring is coming 'round

She is so demanding
No pride, just begging

Haughty kitty
You have food
Quit your mewing

my heart hurts
but it brims for him

i drag myself down
but i hold him up

he is my love
my beautiful boy

my energy is low
but i'm determined to help her

little girl earnest to learn
what took me years to love

she is my hope
my student

my body feels hollow
but i move it again

i've not given up
on not giving up

i am my only soul
my own