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Ananya Dubey Nov 2018
In the hallway of glances
she looks for attention
and there's none
not even to mention

Thoughts confused
and emotions bleary
reflections weird
and eyes weary

The mirror shows
the depth of pain
The heart knows
there's nothing to gain

Roughly stands,
for the strength is gone
In crowded spaces,
"She Stands Alone."
Ananya Dubey May 2021
As I flip through my journal,
I see pages and pages of lies,
that once used to be truths,
now stacked one above the other,
aimlessly...hopelessly....like us
I see the bench where we sat,
centimeters apart, so to say,
yet miles apart in every way.
'Are you okay?' you asked me
on page number fourteen.
'Of course' I lied with a smile,
for an umpteenth time
on page number seventeen.
Three pages and already
three months have passed.
Oh, wait a second,
'what was the question you had asked?'
Was it on the pages I tore,
Or was it on the ones you stole away?
Or is it my amnesia,
getting better of me every day?
'Liar' you called me,
sitting on the bench,
on page thirteen
with a smirk on your face.
Making me wonder
if lies are so easy to trace...
Who was the liar then?
Was it you or was it me?
As I turn the last page over,
I see that there were two liars in the story.
One who lied to himself,
And the other who lied to everybody.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
Praises,
falling deaf
to the spark within
the folds of the heart.

Can't douse
the eternal fire
of the hatred
that engulfs.

Can't care
to respond
to that awfully
unwelcome sound.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
Have you ever looked at the world around you?
The edges, the curves and the beauty too?
Have you seen the sky at three?
The starts, the moon, and you who’s free

Have you felt things speak up at times?
Narrate a story, that’s unique and fine…
have you ever felt all eyes upon you?
And did you feel the admiration in them too?

Did you ever feel that you were strange?
Different or perhaps unique in a way?
Did you feel that interacting was strange?
Or maybe you saw the world in shades of grey?

Maybe you forget at times to, be you?
You- who’s different, you who’s you.
Did you feel defeated or plaintively weary?
Or did you, at times, sleep with your eyes bleary?

Have you ever tried to find answers?
Answers to all your problems?
Did you at times blame the world around you?
Or perhaps scream and shout in agony too?

Maybe, all this was a part of a test?
A test- that brought you to your fate
Perhaps it tried to bring out your best
To show that, your destiny awaits….
Ananya Dubey Oct 2019
Out in the shadows
Where we stand each day
We wait for that glimmer
To light our way

That one little talk
With a stranger unknown
And that chance encounter
While we stand alone
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
If only we could change,
the fate that was ours.
If only we could turn,
back the days and hours.

If only we could heal,
the scars deep beneath.
How nice it would have been,
if those moments we could relive.

If that pain could be hidden,
under that pretty smile.
If only our heart,
could narrate how it feels.

Then we could laugh,
under the sheet of stars
And then our smiles,
would mingle with our tears.
And long gone will be
our fears and inhibitions.

And then the dead would live,
for old times sake.
Perhaps then we could give,
the love that we could never take.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
Have you ever

Walked through the night?

Following shadows

that you never saw...

Listening music

that you never heard

Telling tales

that you never spoke

And making choices

that you never made.
I guess all of us have been here, once.
Ananya Dubey Apr 2020
Could you hear me out,
If I'm too tired to shout?
For there are words unsaid
That are crowding my head.

I don't even know what went wrong
But somehow, I lost that song
That lighted up my soul and mind
Those lyrics ....could you help me find?

Could you help me here,
For my mind is blank with fear...
But you just stand and stare
As I drown in despair.
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
I shout into the void
to hear back nothing
The daily voices
Some silent, some whispering...

I plunge right in the dark
to search for the light
I look for that one mark
don't know what's right....

I try to get over it
But, still manage to drown
I wait near the kingly throne
for the worthy crown.
Ananya Dubey May 2021
It was a dark night,
You held the dagger to my heart,
I wonder what it would've felt like
had you chosen to slice me apart
Fear is what it tasted like
I could feel my heart's frenzy
Something wasn't right that day
Was it that one of us finally went crazy?
I've been sleep deprived
and terror clogs my brain
I finally realize what it's like
when there is no wound, only pain
You might have had your reasons
for otherwise you're really nice
But even the most virtuous
are full of one or the other vice
I wonder if you'd have listened
to the voice inside your head,
would you have stopped
or would you have instead gone ahead?
It hurt me that I meant so little
My death, perhaps trivial
despite no bloodshed that day
Trust me, the blood was real.
Ananya Dubey May 2021
I was never as mesmerized by mysteries,
as I was when you became one.
From your "I smoke to die"
to the best/worst day of your life,
every essence of your presence
was mesmerizingly beautiful.
From your drinking till you drop,
to believing that the eagle loved you,
to proving that you are not a rat,
you were always the perfectly flawed one.
Underneath that emerald eyed reader,
surrounded by piles of books...
you were still the little girl,
who blamed herself for her mother's death.
who still doodled white flowers everywhere.
Miles could never have been more correct when he compared you to a hurricane.
You left, but with yourself,
you took away, the crime partner
of the Colonel, the greatest prankster
and the love of Takumi and Miles.
But, I could never forgive you
for breaking your promise to Miles...
If you could, would you, come back
and continue, that unfinished "To be continued?"
Ananya Dubey Jul 2019
Don't say you know me
When I'm someone I'm not
Don't say it's alright
When it's not okay at all

Don't promise me anything
For you always break them all
Don't say I'm silent
Because chaos surrounds us all

Don't say you'll remember
Because you always forget I'm here
Don't bid me good bye
'To meet again' we'll try...
Ananya Dubey Jul 2019
When it's all over
And the pyre doesn't burn
Don't collect my remnants
Don't put my ashes in an urn

When not just the body
Even the soul goes void
Don't think of me as someone you loved
Think of me as someone you'd rather avoid

Don't douse me in a river
I've never been so strong
Just leave me with the wind
Let it gently carry me along

Let me for once take the reigns
For long I was deprived
Let this end be the beginning
Even death has survived

So when it's all over
Don't dare to turn
But still, do me a favour...
Don't put my ashes in an urn.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
I dream with open eyes
of endless summers
and starry nights.

Of misty morns
and lazy days
being comfortable in all ways.

Of cold dewdrops
that glisten bright
on daisies pure white.

Of unsaid words
that hang in the air
along with a love-struck stare

Of bright sunshine
that filters through
the window for our view.

Of loving the comfort
of my own company
and not needing anybody.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
I drowned myself
that day....
in the "drunkenness"
of a different way...

A cocktail of passion
and something else- love?
It was more of a question,
for the heavens above...

Then, sipped my way through
and burnt the soul
Waiting for it to come true...
Will I ever be whole?
Ananya Dubey Jun 2019
We climbed aboard
a runway train
with a destination
that we didn't know

We plummeted into a tunnel
each one, searching for a light
We held onto each other
as there wasn't a glimmer in sight

We held on like pilgrims
waiting for salvation
But at the end, I had an epiphany
Sadly we were on the wrong station.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
Ghastly shadows
and nightly prayers
have filled her cup
for a hundred years

Trespassing voices
have caressed her heart
And the brazen feelings
made her art

Comfort- a word so foreign
to her ears...
So, a false smile
for others she wears.
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
What am I feeling?
Am I aware?
Hiding and crouching
in your deathly stare..

What am I feeling
lying so low...
Trying to get away...
From what? I don't know...

What am I feeling?
As I sway along...
In life's high and low
humming the silent song.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
I want to be free
just as my thoughts
when they spill into poetry

I want to be free
just as my heart
that beats so easily

I want to be free
just as the voice
inside me head, that screams

I want to be free
just as the rays of the sun
that scatter ever so gratefully

I want to be free
because being trapped
is slowly breaking me
Ananya Dubey Nov 2018
You look me in the eye
but don't even see it
That silent sigh...
Did you notice?

The specks, the colors,
of the orb
blasphemies, troubles,
that they absorb.

The silent word,
hidden under wet lashes.
Things absurd,
just one thought flashes.

Every feeling,
waiting for your glance.
Waiting for help,
What's your stance?
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
Today, I'm bidding goodbye
not just to others...
but to ME as well
Because, "I need to leave"
is something I tell
And it's hard
Harder than what I anticipated
because of this shell that I've created
around me to hide
because I find it hard to confide.
I'm bubbling....
not with energy, but with doubts
About me, about you
and about the world too
What goes around comes back too,
to stand in your view
to obstruct the little glimmer
of hope that seems to shimmer
from cracked windowpanes
that glance into dingy lanes
So, I stand on the edge
of the cliff that I've created
And I'm jumping off....
For this day, long I've waited
Ananya Dubey Nov 2018
The doors are open
just walk inside
in my heart that's hollow
come confide

Words- expressions
all that you want
make depressions
just for a start

Trespass slowly
because I am aware
completely, wholly
of the unabashed stare

Undressed lie
emotions bare
and a heavy sigh
for you to hear.
Ananya Dubey May 2021
On a usual Sunday,

Dad sits alone in front of the television.

The loud noise of which,

douses mom's voice, making her

repeat her question for the third time.

Little does she know, that the noise

douses the voices in his head as well.

On a usual outing,

as Dad starts chatting with a stranger,

as if they were old chums,

mom shakes her head in exasperation.

Little does she know, that extroversion

is just a mask, which hides his real self.

In a usual gathering,

Dad starts debating on a recent event,

Which has little to do with him.

I always thought him to be eloquent.

Little did I know, that that is the only way,

he evades talking about himself.

On a usual day,  Dad says that

he will go to the market with us,

even if it means taking a leave from office.

Mom gets a little frustrated at his clinginess.

Little does she know, that he feels all alone,

and is afraid to lose us too.

On a usual evening,

Dad tries, but can't call his own mom.

He wants her affection as his brother gets,

Only to be blamed on each call,

for the things he didn't do.

Little does he know, that I've seen him

on those days, holding his tears,

and cracking his old jokes.

On usual days, Dad stays at home.

When prodded to go out,

He says, he has nowhere to go.

So he sits and scrolls through his phone,

Little does he know, that even today,

He is searching for a warm home.
Ananya Dubey May 2021
These days, I am lost
In a wilderness unknown.
I often wonder who I am...
But, it's something I've never known.

These days, I try to seek
Someone I used to be,
But memories are leading me,
Back to a place, I don't want to see.

So, often as I sit,
With a book in my hand,
I am devoid of thoughts
In a horizon-less land.

And as far as I see,
Not a soul is around.
Neither are there voices,
Nor is there any sound.

And I see myself disappearing
Slowly, into pieces, bit by bit
And as time slowly passes
I finally realize it.

So, I smile and make a note,
To forget all that I know.
And with a fresh memory
To the horizon-less land I go.
Ananya Dubey Jul 2019
If eyes could tell the truth,
then one would never lie.
If eyes could hide the pain...
then one would never sigh.

If the heart could talk out loud..
then all feelings could be told.
If the heart could narrate...
the no story would be untold.
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
A scar, a cut and a flaw
that unlucky face that you saw.
those sad words that you read,
masking emotions in my head.

'Pretty Rude' and 'Unruly'
Never actually 'Yours truly'
With an aura of mystery.
That shell, that I carry.

'Who are you?' they ask.
And answering is a pitiful task.
To describe myself in a word I try.
'I'm Hamartia' I cry.
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
The ghosts of our past
don't haunt us anymore.
Before us lie infinities vast.
For years the scar we bore.

Long gone are our days of agony.
Smiles have washed all our sins.
We quietly suffered fate's tyranny,
and at last perseverance wins.

And once again we try to live
forgetting our past
It's happiness we'll take and give
Until our lives last.
Ananya Dubey May 2019
Today I sang for me
Strumming my guitar absentmindedly
Not for 'him' or 'her' or 'them'
uncaring of the reality

Today the notes rang
a little differently
as I hummed and sang
a song that's mine, entirely

Today I tried to be me
because I wanted to see
till where my song would go
in this life's high and low
Ananya Dubey May 2019
And then...
I spoke my mind
No usual filters...
and especially, no apologies...
No thinking each word twice
because I happened to be high
on my own emotions
which had been repressed
over the years
again and again...

And then...
he broke the silence...
with words that stung me..
and made me realize
that once again I was wrong
and no one can ever
really understand...me
Ananya Dubey Jul 2019
When I glance in the mirror
And observe it reflecting me
I find a stranger looking out
And I wish I could know me...

When everyone around
Are being what they want to be
I find insecurity surmount
And I wish I could know me...

When I hear those praises
Which don't mean a thing, you see....
I close my ears
And I wish I could know me...
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
At times, I write poetry
not for the sake of writing
but to feel free

To let out repressed emotions,
that stare at me blankly
that ask me questions....
to which, I don't know the answers

And when I do... I hide it
I hide it in a medley of words
Because, answers are scary
scarier than the questions themselves

So, at times, I write poetry
because spilled ink on paper
gives me the light to see
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
My words stop short
as I begin to speak
about years of emotions
that I had to keep

So, I don't say
that I am sad
I won't say
that my days have been bad

I will not tell
the truth, if that's fine
My tears do swell
but who cares, after all they're mine

Whose fault is it?
Never mind, I blame me
I am that jigsaw
that can never fit.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
Labyrinth of suffering,
labyrinth of pain,
labyrinth of dying...
tell me, what is there to gain?

Long that we have lived here
Long that we have been...
Long we've lived in fear,
So much that we have seen.

How do we get out?
The key is straight and fast.
Hide in the shell and shout
Until our life will last.
Inspired from John Green's Looking for Alaska, where Alaska young talks of the General and his Labyrinth.
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
'I'm okay.'
- 'No, you're not.'
'What can you say?'
- 'About you, well a lot.'

'About Life?'
- 'Painful and Long.'
'The way out?'
- 'Put it into a song.'

'Will someone understand?'
- 'No. But, you'll have the upper hand.'
'Is that how you're dealing?'
- 'Doesn't matter, I'm devoid of feelings.'

'Seriously now, are you?'
- 'You'll reach here too.'
'Does that make it better?'
- 'nothing ever does.'

'Is that why you're almost dead?'
- 'Well, take your pills and go to bed.'
Ananya Dubey Nov 2018
Those Promises
Those Words
and that day...
                        Those feelings,
                        the hurt,
                        " I was never okay!"
The truth,
hidden beneath,
a blanket of lies,
was unleashed.
                         " It's Okay"
                           wasn't heartfelt
                           going away
                           hard to accept.
The mirror held,
a new face.
And pain was all,
the eye could trace.
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
All emotions,
bare for you...
Come and see,
they stare at you.

Can you hear,
that song I sing?
Does that 'day',
that 'Memory' ring?

All those averted eyes
and all those coherent signs.
All those words choked inside
when silently you stood beside.

We parted long ago,
can you come?
Or maybe you intend to remain,
that long gone hum...
Ananya Dubey Aug 2019
When the curtain falls,
and the show's all done...
I take off my mask
and become a "no one"

When the audience is gone
My pretence goes away
And from the one who's outspoken
I become the one who's got nothing to say

When I finally try
To be the true "me"
The stage is all deserted
And there is no one left to see....
Ananya Dubey May 2021
"Here's to the ones that we got"

I flip through the pages of the paperback
and that bookmark falls down.
As I bend to pick it up,
your face flashes in front of my eyes,
and I blink fast to remove it. "Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not"

You see, the only thing that you left,
apart from your absence, almost reminds me....almost, of your presence.
Because memories are misplaced shreds of time.
"Cause the drinks bring back all the memories.....Of everything we've been through."
I hum as I keep the book back.
The bookmark tucked somewhere in the pages,
just like your memories tucked somewhere
In the recesses of my heart.
Ananya Dubey May 2019
I trace the cobwebs
in the depths of my mind,
refreshing my memory
hiding what I find...
There are things
that can't be heard, can't be told
For some of my thoughts
might be too blunt, might be too bold
What do I fear?
Judgement? I know it too well
Whatever it is, it's hard to tell
So, let me just omit
the secrets that you don't know
And to the recesses of my heart
these words will go
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
I stay awake...
to pour my heart out,
into nightly shadows
that seem to shout
of my nonentity
and the forlorn moon's anxiety
of watching relentlessly
the starts shimmering pretentiously
and wanting to be one of 'those'
the part of a wonderful prose...
Only to face the reality
-the face of anxiety
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
What's harder to bear;
the eternal glory
of masked truth
or letting pain burn
your insides, like wildfire
does flora.
The sharp gasp
for a breath of life
or the unfazed content
in letting death
'choke you'
Till you are no more
Ananya Dubey Jan 2019
They ask me to
write poetry
to pen it down
and make my soul free

They ask me,
to tear my soul
and put those fragments
back into a whole

Then they praise me
for my eloquent feeling
are they aware
of how I'm dealing?

They call my words intense
but under that pretense
I hide something deep
It's secrets that I keep

So, I play along
and just smile.
Letting the praises fall deaf
on my ears for a while.
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
Poets embezzle,
hidden truths
with metaphors
derived richly
from the depths
of unseen pain
and cover up
the remnants of
the act;
with a smile
that covers with tact
what they've been feeling
for a long while.
Ananya Dubey May 2021
The polaroid shows me
what was and what could be
memories captured in a frame
Things that would never be the same
Time has passed, years changed
No longer the youth, we have aged
me, you, he or she
We aren't the people we used to be
we delve on moments long gone by
I look at the polaroid with a sigh

(First read from top to bottom, then from the last line to the first line)
Ananya Dubey May 2019
Sometimes I fear
that his words of consolation
and understanding
are just a pretension

Sometimes I fear
that he secretly mocks me
each time I open up
to reveal the scars that cover me

Sometimes I fear
of his judgement
that makes me embarrassed and ashamed
of my own predicament
Ananya Dubey May 2019
The words that I speak,
are they my own?
Or do I try to hide?
things unknown....

Do I at times,
even make sense?
Or, when I say I'm fine
is it all a pretense?

Do I even wish
to be understood?
Maybe not, because
I know, I never would...
Ananya Dubey Feb 2019
Does everyone have questions?
Starting and ending nowhere
like erupting out of a fable
but to answer them, no one can dare

Does everyone feel like ending?
the eternal suffering that hides
a few pleasures offered by life
and makes us sigh

Does everyone feel dead?
like deep inside their graves
and remember the lies they've said
because attention isn't what they craved

Does everyone try to live?
to see through another day...
Because even a little love can give
"HOPE" in a different way.
Ananya Dubey Mar 2019
There's a simmering rage
down the depths
of the tattered page
hiding something scary
Emotions, dreams.....
and thoughts, weary
Talking in vain
of that unseen
How do I say? - "Pain"
Throttling the breath
out of life
choking you till death
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
I used to roam alone,
now am afraid of my own shadows.
I thought I was gone,
but, the heart still knows...
that it ain't me, dwelling over the past.
But, I can't see
If the hope will last,
for a long time.
I'll stay silent.
I'll try to keep it all in.
Because, I'm Resilient.
Ananya Dubey Dec 2018
Scattered thoughts
Scribbled Pages
torn with feelings.
Numb bodies, fingers
entwined, splattered
with ink
of the bygone 'RED'.
Trepidation, fatigue
of living
for one more day.
Uncaring of all that,
I used to be....
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