EthanAnthonyEcho

34 / M / Corpus Christi

Sort

Lament 1God, I feel evil / For wanting to accuse you of breaking promises / For being sad when I don't get human validation

Naked PrayerGod, I want You in a way that feels more real and undeniable / but even if I don't feel, you're still reliable / you know i don’t like how quiet this has been.

IntertwinedA passing ghoul in the skin of man once told me he felt like a jellyfish when he prayed. / I immediately hated that statement and felt sharp disdain for the person. / I want on-the-lap, by-the-campfire intimacy, to be touched with ravishing intimacy, not to be unapproachable in a dark, vast expanse.

MotherMother, you're listening too closely for the wooden floor to creak as I sneak out of the house. Loosen your grasp, please. But how in your house where I'm found can I now sit down? If I could, let it be a place away from mirrors. I'm disgraced. I beckon unto heaven, grant me the shade of ****** grace, ‘cause I've lost my taste, near despair. It's as is if I long searched to justify seeking vindication, even vengeance instead of restoration and the rejuvenation of our station. I'm desperately afraid of unknowns - not sure why since I've already seen so much grace- so I defy your correction and undermine your character. If, after all, you have to squeeze me a little or stretch me thin, remember your higher virtues in so doing. In anger, remember your profound mercy. If I may entreat, please regard the power of a gentle approach to one who has been tormented. Must I carry a heavier burden? Be lashed or whipped? I've been rash but this is heavy. Must I be exposed to wind and fire, storm and quake? Another break may just make me hate and forsake like before, and to that possibility I've barred the door. Remember, I'm just a vapor, dust in the wind. Where is the comfort of a mother for the man who sins? Must I hobble crippled to the wilderness for another great length of days? Or like Mephibosheth, may I have a plate? Am I a snake? Or a son who shakes? I will break as all earthen vessels do, but please let it not be due to me stressin’ you. I've been vexing you, perplexing you, but we’re not beyond hope. Has God been testing you? Can we confess the truth? Are we Pontius Pilate? Children of violence? For what are we striving? I will break, I wish not to foretell, but would you know I only ever long to be held? I will pray, I must not now foretell, I might fave more wrestling, more lashes of hell. So in these ashes, in this glass, as the season threatens to pass, I ask, oh Lord I ask, for mercy from a mother who has been far more kind than severe. We have but one to fear.

DisclosureSo many of my own sentences that I let burst forth cause either immediate fear or narcissistic fawning and usually are self-defeating because I let too many paradoxes and conundrums dance their silly supernova ways through my soul and off my tongue. / I erase more than I keep. / See I haven’t done more right than wrong and that's been the case for far too long.

PlotSometimes I crawl out for a moment, but the noise burns, so i retreat. Hidden beneath these layers, under these prayers, is not a player in this scheme but the critic of highest order. So lonely a disposition. So ugly a feeling. When will I love untainted and appreciate another human trying to do the same? God is love, but who am I in this plot. Let me never masquerade.

Come seeWe may not meet on all the bullet points of theology / we may vote differently regarding our perspectives of Democracy / we've lost common sense as we discuss core Biology

dare to carewho dares to care? / probably none of y'all / mans caught in a snare?

Lament 2 - worth the readWhen you shut my mouth two years ago and took me to a place where all my resources and influence were exhausted, a place that would confound me and hurt me so bad that I would finally turn to you, I did indeed try to turn to you with a sincere heart. / You know, even if no one else does, how much agony I endured there and you also know that I didn't pray as much as I could have and I sinned still in other ways than substance abuse. / But I surely prayed more than I ever have and I fought sin more vigorously and consistently than I ever have, all due to your grace and even though I didn't really know how.