True love is not looking at someone and seeing no flaws, but in looking at someone, seeing their flaws, and *accepting them

my heart's pounding in my chest because of the fear i have
the fear i've always had
and i don't know what it is and i don't know what to call it
but all i know is that it's a disease and it doesn't seem to stop
because when i look into their eyes with longing over and over again
they begin to do the same
but my eyes shield over with these walls and as easily as i fall for people i hardly know
i cannot get myself to fall for someone who knows me
who wants to know me...
and ive bitten beating hearts full of desire and ive stared into the eyes of lust and have glistened in the sunlight of dancing hands
but ive never felt love
ive never felt the need for someone as their need for me and i either always aim too high or too low and miss the target where we should have met in between
im confused and im disgusted and i dont know what to do anymore
they knock at the door of approval and i slam the door of fear

At the beginning of every relationship and every new love or old love renewed, it's hard to accept that you'll never be their reality. It's hard to accept that life isn't like the movies and that the pretty girl can't get what she wants this time because she has love to compete with. It's hard to accept that sometimes memories rush through your head at the speed of water rushing down niagra falls but you have to learn how to either accept it or not give a **** about it anymore because those people aren't going to pick up the broken pieces of your own puzzle and put you back together again. They'll look at the picture on the box and decide that the pieces are already assembled, without opening the box itself. That's just the way it is.

Is it possible to be too emotional?

it's been approximately a month and a half since i've had to stay up late studying for any sort of test or working on any sort of assignment, and i still have bags under my eyes.

i'm not talking about small bags that compliment your skin either, i'm talking about the deep bags that turn purple in the pale light of the kitchen lamp - bags that make people think you don't sleep at all.

i can only assume that the people who do not ask me about why i have such heavy bags under my somewhat empty eyes are the people who understand that there is a fine line between not being able to sleep and insomnia and they're treading on it like this kind of tightrope all the while holding more than just questions about the universe, but tons and tons of curiosity revolving around the idea of the end of our existence

i have also realized that there are so many ugly human beings in this world, so many inhumane practices, so many people who forget as a human race we are animals too subject to the natural rules of the world and there has been a voice in the back of my head constantly bickering me about animal cruelty and rights and wars and peace and death and life and i can't shut it off

maybe that's the cause of the two inch bags

I'm afraid to look at the news anymore
2. All I know is that people are dying everyday and mothers and children and uncles and families
3. Taking sides isn't going to help when everyone is a victim
4. I lit a candle for all those 298 people that died in the Ukrainian flight
5. I'm agnostic and I still lit the candle
6. I'm supposed to be on vacation but so far all I've had are allergies and insults and vomiting and cramps
7. I feel like I'm ruining everyone else's time
8. I want to throw up every other minute
9. Two days ago I was so weak that I had to inhale deeply every time I wanted to talk
10. Every night she turns on the news and every night I use my phone

My own self criticism isn't enough; everyone will always have something to say to you that will enter your skin like a dagger.

you've gained weight!
You try being diagnosed with ******* anorexia and then tell me why I gained weight. I look in the mirror everyday and want to break the reflection.

you look too formal, it's too hot out for that long skirt
I have scabs on my legs from the over sensitive skin that decides to cling onto me. Rashes from mosquito bites are not beautiful. People stare.

why aren't you reading
I'm on vacation after busting my *** for nine months. That's why.

you look worried, what's wrong
If only you knew I'm okay means nothing.

you're too naive to understand but you'll see one day
I'm naive because I care about things, because I won't eat chicken that I saw dead in a pan, because I won't throw away a snail through the window from the seventh story because I can't imagine myself falling, because I realize humans are animals too? I'm not naive. My thoughts keep me awake at night.

And all of their voices circle through my mind day after day after day reminding me I will never be good enough.