when it's late at night i want you; i crave you
and your beautiful smile and the way you joke
and how when you laugh your whole body moves
with it.

i crave those moments when you're most vulnerable
and sincere, the moments when it's so early in the
morning you can no longer pick out the ugly
thoughts from the pretty ones; the moment
when everything just gets thrown down onto
the screen like a huge pile of confusion and thoughts.

i crave those moments when you look at me for
a split second and seem to care about me more than
just as that person always there for you. the moments
when you look at me and seem to want me too, under
all the confusion and pain.

i crave those moments when you two are away, and
i don't have to be reminded that the moments we have are
mediocre in comparison. completely and utterly mediocre.

i crave those moments when i can go to sleep and enter my
own reality, where i can just forget it all and not have to pretend
any longer about anything.

i crave those moments when your eyes form gentle creases
on the side of your face when you finally are not smiling to
please, but because you are actually happy.

i crave those moments when i write and i am not forced
to cry; those moments when i can write about 1am and
almost 1am and talking to you and being happy, those
moments when i have hopes for the future.

but i also crave those moments when i cannot crave anymore,
because the pain seems to be too much for me to handle

if you choose her I
will understand. My heart is
breaking regardless.

I have stepped up on that chair of confidence and I put your noose around my neck,
but once you were on, I knew I didn't need my chair anymore
and so I kicked it away.

At first the pain hits you directly, as your head snaps back into the reality
of where you are and what you are doing, but what no one wants to admit and
what no one will tell you is that you start to become a *******.

You start to crave the pain that is making you slowly suffocate under the weight
of your head, filled with too many of your problems and my problems,
filled with too many memories and too many thoughts, filled with too much
disappointment.

The irony comes with the fact that you are the one who looks down and presses
your neck harder against the rope. You go back for more, you keep looking down

You keep feeling that pressure, you keep playing a game of whether you can look
down so far you can see your feet, you keep turning darker and darker in your
face.

But as your eyes bulge, your lips run dry, the tears in your eyes stinging like a
waterfall without water, any feeling in your body going numb, your mind only
concentrates on that single person

Your mind only thinks about the one who can make the pain go away, but little
do you know, it is all only temporary.

Everything must end eventually.

if there's one thing i've realized out of this all
is that good things aren't meant to happen to me
and things like this aren't meant to happen to me
so i'm sorry if i seem out of it
but every time you touch me
or the arch of my back
or my arm
or brush my hair
out of my face
it is because i know none of it is anything
and you would rather do that to someone
else

if you could

Are you okay? you ask with that sympathetic look in your eyes,
god the way you look up kills me.

You look so sincere, what am i supposed to say? i'm not okay?
i'm sorry, that's not the game i play.

I care about you to the moon and back, i'm your "best friend," remember? and
best friends don't talk to each other in any other way, they don't cause
pain and confusion. they should always be there, and i guess ill always be here
because i tried not being here and it doesn't work.

I like rolling the dice and feeling the exhilarating rush of whatever chance may
come, but i just can't roll the dice with your name on it anymore. god, did
you know i ******* look forward to you everyday?

I've realized today, under swollen eyes from more tears shed by you
than you should ever have to know,

                                   I've become the princess of pretending.

It's almost 1am and all I want to do is continue talking to you and whatever you have planned in that confusing head of yours.

It's almost 1am and all I can think about is the prospect of you and being with you and understanding what I've been missing and what you've been missing.

It's almost 1am and all the engulfs me is excitement and fear that this is wrong but right and exhilarating and it takes me onto it's wings and soars me through infinite spaces of the sky with the wind hitting my face as a warm friend and not a cold stranger.

It's almost 1am and I know I should sleep and you should too and you're probably awake like me and it's so hard not to pick up my phone again.

Not to pick up and tell you how late it is and how stupid I'm being just to hear you admit you're being stupid too.