i hate that it ended this way
we went through all that
just to end up as strangers again
like none of it mattered
i would've left you alone
if i knew this is how it would end

i hate having to pretend i'm okay
pretend i'm done and gone
it's all an act,
all this strength,
all this not giving a ****.
is it an act for you too?
or are you really that ******* heartless?

maybe i'm just ******* stupid.

i dream of bashing your head into a wall
into every wall, actually
of every room

i bang my head
into my headboard instead
i wish i could unzip this body
and crawl out
i wish i could peel off this body
and crawl out

if feelings were stones
i'd be full of rocks
i'd weigh so much
i'd fall through the floor
my heart just a boulder in my chest
all i do
is sink down

i dream of your skull shattered apart
like a marble statue
in pieces
you used to be so pretty
i could look past the monstrosity inside

if feelings hardened up like marbles
and rolled through you like blood
i'd become a surgeon
i'd take a knife and open myself up
dig them out
like tumors
i'd dig out all the love
i still feel for you
the brick of missing you
cut it out
every memory of you like grains of sand
sprinkled through my mind
dig them out
as blood and gory as it'd get
i wouldn't stop
till every bit of you was gone
till nothing was left
i'd rather be hollow
and empty
than filled with this

filled with you

you're like cancer
all you do is **** me

cut you out

pray to a god i don't believe in
to help me forget
erase every scar
leave no reminder
i hope you
disappear

till then i dream of you
broken in pieces
ripped limb from limb
chest cracked open down the middle
how does it feel, baby
to hurt like i do

i couldn't kiss her back
because i wanted it to be you
and it wasn't.
and it felt wrong.
it felt like cheating
even though it'd been 2 months
and you were in love with someone else.
i felt stupid.
i feel stupid.
you're feeling the inside of someone else's *****
and i'm here feeling stupid
because i can't kiss her back
because it's not you.
it isn't you
i said you're it for me
and i meant it
but it isn't you.
you changed it.
you ruined it.
i never thought about it that way.
us, as something you could ruin.
i thought:
i love you enough
for the both of us.
i thought:
i want this to work enough
for the both of us.
i never thought:
i can only bring us halfway there
and you can bring us all the way back.
i never thought:
i can only do so much to build
what you want to break.
i never thought of myself as
something you want to break.
but you did.
i wish i could hate you for it.
it'd make everything so much easier.
i'd kiss her back out of spite.
out of passion. out of moving on.
but i don't.
she kisses me and i pull back
and i laugh so that i don't cry
and i lean my head against the car seat
and i think god
i miss you so much.
and you don't think of me
at all.