When it's dark
If you put a light
Is it light or dark?
What if the light is very soft?
What if the dark is big?
What is dark?
What is light?
Where do you draw the line?

Broken glass
Breaks skin

Now it's bleeding

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

The halls swallow me
Luckily I don't notice
Thanks to my music

There's no way I can describe this feeling
Except for bad

Some may call it
Depressed
Sad
Angry
Unmotivated
Overwhelmed
Anxious

Unfortuna­tely, there's no word for all of the above
So yeah, bad
I hate to feel bad

"what do you wanna do, Liana?"
My mom asks me

"Death"
I respond


"Do you want to eat something?"

"No, I just want to die"


"What are you thinking about?"

"My death"

She laughs
Smiles
She doesn't understand
She doesn't want to understand I'm not joking
When I'm telling her

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"
She asks

"I don't want a tomorrow. I want to die"
I answer

She giggles
"That's not an option" she chuckles
She doesn't know

It’s hard to listen to kind thoughts
When your ears are stuffed with sadness

Going to sleep tonight
Knowing tomorrow will be hell
Over and over again

It's 11:11
I don't know what to wish for
So many things I want
But only 60 seconds to say them all

Anyways
I know they'll only be in vain

It's 11:11
And honestly
I'm really done with today
with yesterday
And tomorrow

It's 11:11
I don't know what to feel

300 people
Have heard what I have to say

300 people
Liked it

It's crazy to me
That even one soul
Could care about my words
And my woes
But 300!?!

300 people
With thoughts
Feelings
Love
Sadness
Pain
Problems
And poetry
Have read and enjoyed
Wow, this is a dream

I've written
Quite a bit
About feeling lonely
But just a second ago
I looked at the number of followers
And saw 300
A beautiful number
Built from beautiful people
And I felt together
And like I was no longer a weirdly shaped puzzle piece
With no existing puzzle to fit in to

Of course
I write for me
But it sure felt good
To see

Thank you,
Each and every one of you,
You mean so much to me

Even the moon changes,
Develops,
After time,
becomes whole
So why can't you?

I mean,
you kind of do
But like the moon you
always go back
It's just not as gradual

I think of you both at night
Except with you
It makes me unable to sleep

At least the moon is up there in the sky
Just looking pretty
And following my car
Catching my eye
Making me smile
Not making me cry

I love the moon
But that's weird because
Is it's similar to you

I'm not hurt
Because of what you did

I'm hurt
Because you didn't tell me

.

                                                               I    ­  
  I                                                          am      Tired
Am so tired all is wish to do is to sleep
Trying hard to sleep though deprived
To sleep is hard and I hate it so much
Sleep                                                 ,yes

"This isn't a book, Liana"
"Things are as they seem"
"This isn't science fiction"
"This isn't a dream"
My friend tells me
Blames it on how many books I read

"Prove it"
I say

She can't...

Because the world is round
the wind is high
And the sky is blue
I cry

"I don't know what to do!"
You cry
So I cut some warm carrot cake and make some tea
And we figure it out
If that's crying
Talking
Laughing
Making pro and con lists
Or just sitting their in silence
Eating

"I don't want to think about this right now!"
You cry
So we go outside
And I play some happy music
To dance to in the backyard to
And I make you run because it's hard and makes him not your biggest problem anymore

Oh, but me?
You have no idea what goes on in my mind
Or my life
Never once saw me cry
And you don't ask anything
You never thought to ask why

For I am there for you
And that's all you need it to be
But what about me?
What about when I need to talk, or dance?
Why should I have to do that alone?

A strong sense of smell
But I can't smell out the lies

A strong sense of hearing
But matter how many times I listen to our recorded conversation
I can't hear what I said that made you snap

All of this makes me wonder
If you're right and it's me
Or if it was you all along

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

Language was created
So we could better understand eachother

And 5,500 years later
thats what we're still trying to do

Feeling as if I
Am fraud lying to me
About everything
Sometimes

Hard to explain
But I can't help feeling this way

She just told me
The same thing everyone else did
"Try meditation
don't be on your screens after 8
Drink tea
Don't eat"
And I've tried even more things
None it worked
They never work
For as long as I remember
I have had to stare up at the ceiling fan
And wish to sleep
To rest
But I never could
And I fear I never will
I really want that to change
But the same old advice
That everyone gives for this
Simply doesn't work for me

I am so much
I am too much
Too much everything
Clingy
Intense
Quiet
Loud
And I’m simultaneously somehow
Still not enough

There's a bump there
On my skin
I need to peel it off
It's making mad
I scratch at it
Pinch it
And then rip it off

What have I done?!
I think as blood starts gushing out
I am such pain but I have to keep a straight face

I knew I was doing it
I knew I was picking at it
But then again, I didn't at the same time

I hide my injury
But it hurts terribly
I want to keep it a secret
But it's killing me
I need them to know
So that they can stop me
Because as much as I hate to admit it
I am not in control of me

After it bleeds
It is a scab
And it's taller then the rest of my skin
I need to pick it off
Once again

And when I do
It bleeds again
I am mad once more
At myself
For I did not stop my urge somehow
Like I promised myself I would

And this time
It comes back as a scar
And it taunts me for the rest of my life
A living portrait of my mistake
That gives me a look of judgement
Whenever I dare to glance at it

Piles and piles
Tears and years
My soul represented through colors
Paintings
Ever since I was 6
It's all right Infront of me

Going through the basket
Remembering what I felt when painting this or that
Seeing myself get better and better
From scribbles
To, well, better scribbles
With detail
And color
Both have feeling

Sometimes I forget when I painted something
But I can tell from what I did
From the shapes and colors
That bled from my brush
Or my hand
Or anything I found fit

One basket
Holds my story

One basket
Showing the real me

One basket
Showing how I've been changing

And I went through it
Wow
What a journey

I am so mad
And I know anger is other emotions wearing a mask
So here are they:
Sad
Hopeless
Depressed
Frustrated
Scared
And more that don't even have words
Mostly them

Don't cry
Just breathe
In----out
Relax
Everything's okay
So what if you don't sleep?
You'll be okay
You've done it before
Just don't cry
Don't run
And only scream silently
Because no one has to know

I know that you see things
As the remix
Or maybe the movie version
That instead of all the good parts getting left out
It's the bad ones
You don't remember any of it
And you caused it
And I remember all of it
It's engraved in my head
I can't pick it off
Like I pick off my skin
I can't ignore it
Like I can't sleep
And I can't pretend it's okay
Like it wasn't abuse
Yes
You didn't beat me
But you still bruised me
And whenever I move
I ache

While I'm here
Lying in bed
Shivering from the cold of night
And writing with all my might
I hear the noises from outside

Motorcycles roaring
Large groups if people laughing
Random fireworks launching
And planes soaring

They're doing things
Being alive and awake
While I try to sleep
And to calm down
They run around

I wish I would be out there
Running too
But I have to lie here
Cold and anxious
And just hear you

The dread for tomorrow
Is almost
As bad as tomorrow itself

She is a dog.                   She is my sister
Your half sister.             We share our trauma
She bites.                        She was neglected
She barks.                       It’s not her fault
She’s dangerous.           Her owner is dangerous
I hate her.                        I love her
She pees on my bed.     My dad locks her in my old room
We are so different.        We are so similar
So far apart.                     So very connected

Going about the day
Tiresome or exhilarating the same
Becomes unbearable
When the knowledge
Breaks the window to your head
That you have school tomorrow
You don't get write, read, walk, or create all day
You just sit there
Listening to and then discarding useless information

D(r)ead.

People
We are like colors
Of different shades
And different materials

Some preferred more than others
But no matter those differences
Together
We make a painting
On this giant canvas
That is our life on earth

And like all art
Some love this messy painting
Abstract and complicated
"Beautiful!"
They exclaim

And some think
"Orange and blue?
What idiot would do that?
I need to tell them that they're wrong
What's their name?"

Silent Screams
In my head
My heart
My mind
My bones
Almost constantly

They’re quiet enough
That while standing right next to me
You hear nothing
But loud enough
That it’s all I can hear

There are very few
That listen to them
And more so
Understand them
Maybe even have their own

I know most
Don't hear them
Through the walls,
Through the bathroom stalls
Or at all

But they are so loud to me
That sometimes
All I can do
Is sit there
Tears rolling down my cheeks
Begging the monsters
(or maybe just me?)
To calm down

The sky looks like them---
Just waiting to burst out in tears
Scream
And collapse

I look out the window
Of my room
I see the dark night sky
Houses with people making memories inside
Tress
poles of light

I wonder
How many other people
Are like me
Looking outside
Just watching time go by
Maybe they're thinking
And wondering
The same thing
As I

I've decided
That I will always look up
Because people stare down at their feet all time
And they don't get to see the trees, the leaves, and the sky
And the first time I tried it out
It left me with no doubt
Because I saw an apple tree
The birds soaring
The squirrels in all of their stress
The stars
And it made wonder
Why I ever looked down
When it was so easy to look up
And see the beauties of the world

Nausea
Headache

Tiredness
Yet inability to sleep

I know that it's the price
For a better life
But will it be?
Could this all be for nothing?

Will this tiny little pill
Really change anything?

All it's done so far
Made things worse

Please
Let this be worth it

To all of you
That are hurting
I wish I could soothe you
Give you a hug
And tell you that you're not alone

Unfortunately, we are all
Through a screen
On the deepest
Smallest
Most beautiful place in the internet
And I can't hug you

I am trying my best
Willing my brain and my heart
To send you some comfort
And some love
Even when you feel unlovable

I hope that when you look up at the stars
Or the morning moon
You remember
All the others on here
So saw it too

Breath
You're okay

In
...
Out

Tap your left hand with your right
Like I just did now

Maybe
This is how
Even if someone of us are
Far
Far away ?

People are like leaves
Some have been stepped on
And some have just fallen
Some have been taken by a child and cherished
And some left on the bottom of the leaf pile
Forgotten

People are like leaves
So different from each other
Some older
Some younger
Different shapes and sizes
Colors mixed together

People are like leaves
Some are misshapen and not picked up
And some are declared beautiful and get straightened in a book

I want to scream
So loudly
That world will stop spinning for a second
And acknowledge that I'm angry

That the ground will collapse
Deep enough for me to fall into
And never come out

That time will stop
Maybe for an hour or two
Or maybe forever

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

Words are flowing out
Like an endless rainbow of sorrows
Coming right out of my heart

The red of blood
The pain
The guilt

The green of grass
Trees
And my eyes

The blue of the sky in daylight
The ocean
My heart

And all the rest
Of the beautiful and sad colors
Bleeding out of my pen too

I could almost look normal
If every 5-20 minutes
I go to the bathroom to
Cry
Breathe
And take a break

My bedroom is dark


Like the place my mind takes me to when I wonder off

The sky
Has finally
Let itself cry
Finally
Put itself first
And I'm not angry about it

I can be covered in rain
As long as I know
It's just the sky
Doing what everyone deserves to do

Everyone needs to cry sometimes
Doesn't matter
What gender
Or if you are up so very very high
You deserve to cry

Dear sky,
Thank you
For always being there for me
And everyone else
When they cry

Dear sky,
It's okay
Let it all out
I don't mind

The noise
Overwhelming
The mind
Racing
The anxiety
Coursing
The calm
Sinking
The food
Inedible
The people
Loud
The loneliness
Skyrocketing

Cafeteria

Life is like candy
You first must open the wrapper
Then get the sweets inside
And when it's all over
All the different layers and phases
You die
Most people get stuck on step 1
And unfortunately then skip to 3
But to get number two
You have to be more than lucky