I have missed you
in ways
and with
parts of me
I never knew
could.

When I said that you seemed free,
I lied ---

Because no one is free
when they're trapped
in their mind.

“But do you know what happens to girls who love lost boys? They become lost themselves. Without fail.” --- I found this quote in my notes and I am so in love with it more than ever not only because it's true but because it's the greatest thing that can ever happen to you.

If you love a lost boy, you will lose yourself.
You will walk as if your entire body is in flames.
Burning light every hour of every day to help him find his way.
And then as with all fires, you'll slowly start to die.
You'll flicker and flinch and wish the wind would blow hard enough to put you out of your misery; but it never does.

Instead, one day, you'll lick your salty fingers and **** the flame.
Ashes of you will fall to the ground and as you try to swoop them up, more will crumble.
And pretty soon you'll be nothing more than a pile of burnt up soot staining the floor.

But...  you will get back up.
You will find the bits of yourself you thought washed away slowly come back.
As if the sea carried them home to the shore.
As if life swept them up and kept them under a rug to return to you.
You will find your pieces and you will stand.
And when you do, you will burn.
You will burn brighter and stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
You will blind those who live in the dark abyss that turned your softness into embers from which you once came.
And when you take your first step back into the world, your footprints will singe every tired board of wood that tried to melt you down.
That tried to outline your frame as another victim.
That tried to win.

And when you do, not the wind;
or rain;
or thirsty pieces of wood whispered as "lost boys", will ever dim your light again.

Nature did not intend
for me to be a mother

and now on days
like today

there's an emptiness
inside my soul
that only
little hands
could replace

I hate the fact
that I can relate
with every broken hearted
post
on this gosh **** site

My knee has been hurting for 5 days but I feel like I've been walking with a limp for more and it makes me miss your comfort back when I was your diamond and not your *****

and it reminds me of the time my arm couldn't move for 3 days
so I showered in the dark and cried with my hair in knots as I called your phone hearing your voicemail replay

this is the day before you left me the first time and went four hours away
as i watched you pack your belongings in front of my face
and I cried and you wanted to
but your heart was not phased

tell me, who finds solace
in memories that unravel;
that don't keep your heart laced?

There's
nothing more
in this world
that I want
than to be loved.

There's
nothing more
in this world
that I want
than to never love again.

I may have
lost my dignity
begging you to stay

but you lost me.

I'm so tired of reading about women writing over men. It's nice to relate to in a ****** up way but at the same time I'd just for once like to search google without "how do I get him back", "why did he hurt me", or "why did he cheat" coming up in the results. I want to see a "why did she leave", an "is she coming back", or a "does she love me" pop up somewhere. I want to read words where women break the man's heart. Where she rips him open ******* raw and gnaws on every living ***** that beats within. I want to see the man bleed, gasp for air, claw at the earth like there's no escape. I want them to feel what we feel; what I feel. I'm tired of being soft for a man. And I want them to know.

You'd think
I'd
know
how
to
let
you
go
by now.

All I ever am
is heartbroken and sick

Lord, there's got to be
more to life
than this.

I hope one day you're sitting there, inside on your couch, anywhere;
and it hits you like a punch to the gut: that you remember what it felt like to be loved by me;
and I hope for one second you feel like running to your front porch to catch air. that anxiety sweeps over you and your fingers find your hair; that for one second you don't know what to do with your hands.
I want you to feel that. hold that. multiply that by ten.
feel it again, and again, and again.
you can't prepare. you can't repair.
it, still, will never compare.
I want you to know what it's like,
to love
something,
that isn't there.

She spit my life at me in words
But I still felt empty
Trying to get to a heart
That has become content with it's sadness
My eyes must have agreed
With her saying, "I can tell you're lonely”
But then put them at ease
When she whispered, *“and that's alright”

You did not call me at 12:58,
2:28,
or 3:47 in the
morning.

And that's
when I realized,
you no longer
care.

You could fly right over me
and wouldn’t blink an eye.

You could fly right over me -
but for you, I’d jump and die.

These roaring pains felt in my stomach ******* me to my knees
But I stand up, go back to work, cause I'm the cleaning lady

Drowning tears of failure and never to your needs
To uncles who understand and claim they will make a stand,
"Under your weight a lovely girl lives and I'm going to tell him 'bout it!"
Oh, uncle Bill, can't you see? 
I've learned whiskey words make a fool out of me

I shoot the purple on the green
From racking, not knowing, just focusing 
A phone call to tell me the snow is 3 deep
Spitting curse words around me like the white flakes I see
But you're just furious because I spend my money

Daddy, you don't love me like you do them
Confirmations from strangers and old family friends
Your standards too high, I never stood a chance
*And here comes that pain again

I always try.
I always care.
I'm always there and not there at the appropriate times.
I'm always giving my entirety even when there's barely any of me left to give.

I'm always picking up the pieces.
I'm always forgiving.
I'm always hopeful.
I'm always the "baby, let's not fight".
I'm always the one who rubs your shoulders and makes love to you at night.

I'm your wake you up on the right side of the bed.
I'm your eggs with bacon how you like.
I'm your turkey sandwich cut in half with a knife.
I'm your looking up recipes to find the perfect one to surprise you with dinner.
I'm your laundry.
I'm your folded clothes.
I'm your hot towels out of the dryer in the cold.
I'm your air conditioning and pillow fluffed during the summertime.

I'm the out of the shower putting make-up so you will think I'm pretty.
I'm the shopping for outfits with you in mind.
I'm the hold all of my tears inside when you don't even notice.
I'm the laugh it off until next time by saying something witty.

I'm the one who suffers silently so we will be okay.
I'm the one who stays at home for you and waits.
I'm the one who listens when you tell me I can't go.
I'm the one who sits and misses you when you're having drinks without me.
I'm the one on the porch with the fishing pole when you forget about me.

I'm the one who slams the door because you didn't ask me what was wrong.
I'm the play it over and over in hopes you hear the lyrics in the song.
I'm the one who goes crazy when you start to not care.
I'm the blow it off to keep you around even when it isn't fair.

I'm the praying to God asking what it is that I've done wrong.
I'm the one crying in secret so I don't show you that you hurt me.
I'm the holding on for dear life so that you don't desert me.
I'm the panic attacks and cigarettes and 10 beers at the bar.
I'm the calling off work cause my head is too ****** from wondering where you are.

I'm the flipping out on you when I've been pushed to my limit.
I'm the packing up your **** again cause I just can't live with it.
I'm the one laying in bed, after you've left, screaming out your name.
I'm the one who can't sleep cause the pain is too deep and my dreams all look the same.
I'm the "please just text me" every minute carrying my phone.
I'm the ******* cause you're not him but I don't want to be alone.

I'm the 2 months later holding on trying to be your friend.
I'm the I'll use you for now to ease my mind but never call you again.
I'm the shaking when I see your name appearing on my cell.
I'm the stages of grief and wanting acceptance so that I can wish you well.

I'm the wanting to be over it but it just don't seem to be.
I'm that thing stuck to your leg until you finally shake rid of me.

I'm all of these things that I take with me when I try to love again.
I'm that "good woman you don't lose" 'cause there are always "other men".
I'm the one you think is messed up when really I'm just scarred.
I'm the one who does it anyway even when love shouldn't be so hard.