.
Deeper than the heart—
Of a burning yellow star,
Stranger than the quarks
Between galaxies afar—
So fatal is my love for her.

I've been trying to write all day because things are ending for me
and I've been trying to find a way to tell you about it.
But it's merely been a lot of empty conversation
between me and my mother as she unpacks grocery bags after grocery bags
of food I haven't eaten all day.
I've spoken to the vase of flowers across from me about you.
Stared at the yellow center just searching my broken mouth
for the absolute way to tell you how sorry I am
that I didn't love you in all the right ways I could have.
How I want to believe in now instead of then and how I want
you to be here and hold my hand as I try to make some sense
of why such bad things happen to such good people.
How I'm not going to see you everyday come the end of summer.
How a huge part of myself is over and how I always thought I'd never be
that upset until I looked over at you and realized
that soon enough you'll disappear and I'll be left here.
I'll be left here without you looking over at me.
And I've been trying to write about that.

Been trying to write about it all day when it's 40 degrees in May.
How impossible it is to feel even colder than that
when I'm wrapped in blankets sitting in my kitchen chair
with gray light for reading all the words I just haven't written yet
about anything that I feel or anything that I want to say to you.
I want to tell you that I love you and that I hope we wind up together.
That I don't know what to say a lot of the time, but you help me
get everything out
and maybe that's not tonight .

I've been trying to write about the nostalgia that chokes me after midnight.
How I'm so tired of being lonely.
I just haven't written a thing all day and it's killing me.
I don't know what to say a lot of the time, but you help me
get everything out
and maybe that's not tonight, and maybe
after all this time I don't really need you to be mine.
But a lot of things are ending for me and I've got
so much more that I need to say.

It is hearing a child sing
Knowing he has health in his heart
No wild card pulled, no joker attached
Knowing we will never be apart.
It is hearing a party giggle
Laughter and hope filling the room
Elderly enjoying life to the end
And a new life kicking in the womb.
It is the gleaming new car at the end of a key
To drive it off one’s drive
It is gratefulness, forgiveness and goodness
Qualities to enrich one’s life.

A piano was softly playing in the background of their minds
It's fullness delicately hearable in every keystroke
A beautiful autumn day with the windows slightly open
The music slowly drifting across to the playground
Two children lie in the leaves looking at the always moving sky
Make shapes in the clouds with their wonderful imaginations
A beautiful melody connecting him and her much more than their young minds could think
The music so lovely yet so underliningly disdainful
Her hand enveloped his as she rolled over to look in his hazel eyes

He looks out the window now a man of twenty five
To the playground where he met a girl very many years ago
He remembers this house from so long ago
The piano now moved to the window
He sits down to play but only one melody comes to mind
A haunting but beautiful melody with slight disdain
He cannot remember where he has heard it before but his hazel eyes start to cry
A beautiful autumn day with the windows slightly open
As he wipes the tears away he smiles for his daughter now lies with a boy in the leaves
Her eyes so dark and brown remind him of his wife he lost but only a few years ago
She asked him one wish to move where they fell in love
He remembered a melody where they fell in love
This melody forever haunting him