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She's hurting and broken because her real mother sold her to a complete stranger. A complete stranger who took her in and loved her like her own. She continues to indulge in the pain while her children watch. For years I watched her cry over her biological mother leaving her and how that pain caused her to make some bad decisions, but there I stood willing to love and forgive her. I wanted to show her she was worthy. She didn't seem to be interested in my love. She let me watch while her boyfriend'***** her, she watched me fight them for her. Me a child. I was six when it last happened. She let me watch her as she passed out drunk on the floor and cried. She cried because her mother left her and I cry because my mother won't let me go. I am twenty-two now, I had faith it'd get better. After all these years I am still willing to love her. My mother loves me, I think, but she won't let me go. She won't let me escape the trauma. It seems like she enjoys triggering me at this point.  I've told her how she's caused me pain and trauma but I've never told her how when I become a mother, she will be my example of what not to be. Life took my father, but the alcohol took my mother and I won't be getting either back.
TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

"**** yourself."
"the pain will be gone."
"this feeling will end."
"just do it."
"grab the pills."
"that tree looks nice."
"I wonder how fast this car can go."
"just take your seatbelt off."
"don't look back."

hearing these voices in my head, I wonder, "the world must want me dead."
but it's not that simple.
these voices tell me to do it.
take the pain away.
at times it sounds compelling.
but no, I want to be here.
this ongoing battle in my head.
will it be the end of me?

"**** yourself."
"the pain will be gone."
"this feeling will end."
"just do it."
"grab the pills."
"that tree looks nice."
"I wonder how fast this car can go."
"just take your seatbelt off."
"don't look back."
I sit here wondering what's next.
At times I don't know if I'm wasting my time.
Or if I'm entering a journey that will change my life.
After all, we are always one decision away from a different life.
The thing is I don't miss you.
I just miss a body that kept me warm with their hugs.
Lips that could kiss me gently.
One to share laughs with.
It was never about who you, but more about the company provided.
Company anyone is able to provide.
You were just a warm body to me.
you wrap me in
you make me feel safe
you show me love
you make me feel happy
and when i least expect it
you break me
and then you leave me here to pick up the pieces all on my own
i guess you can say i never really needed you
people claim to love me.
every day they remind me that I am loved.
so why is it that those people are willing to risk losing me?
was it ever love?
or did I just make you feel comfortable with yourself?
i remember telling you about all the girls who used my vulnerabilities against me.
you said I didn't deserve the betrayal.
so tell me why are you doing the same?
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