when did i love you
become such a painful thing
to say and still feel

there is a thin line between love and hate
i know because i tightrope walk
on the wavering difference
dreaming of you at night
blocking you in the morning
keeping you at an arms length
reveling in your feel at my fingertips
at the thought of you
i'm both filled with dread
and butterflies

we were just friends when you kissed me
just friends when we held hands
just friends when you said you missed me
and yet i wish
to at least be just friends again

i'm okay with loving you from here
gushing from far away
you don't have to wipe my tears
or put your hand on my face
i can love enough to cover the distance
bridge a gap between you and i
just enough to get near you
but not enough to have you in sight
i can love you secretly
truly,
and deep down
i can love you discreetly
tell my full heart
to not make a sound
i can love you from this far
put those feelings on a back shelf
i can miss you and check in on you
and love you just for myself

my heart has been beating
a tune that sounds like you
i recognized the music
and snapped my heart in two
i chained it to my chest
drowned it with my tears
made it love someone else
scared it with my fears
and still it beats out its rhythm
though broken and out of tune
still it smiles at your image
and still it loves you

time ticks
and never stops
today we're here
and soon we're not
the clock talks back
you can hear it ticking
but present becomes past
the closer you listen
and when you look back
you'll think "oh my"
you'll check your watch
and say "look at the time"
because time ticks
and it never stops
and one day we were there
and now, suddenly
we are not

love is strange in that
it dyes its hair every week
wears too much makeup
but tries to be discreet
it can sneak up on you
or be so obvious its more of a glare
it can be welcomed and expected
or feel more unfair
love is strange in that
i can never tell when its here
im always looking far away
but shockingly love is always near
its in the cracks of the sidewalk
the spoon that which i eat soup
it sits right next to me on the bus
and looks a lot like you
it holds my hand when i cant sleep
and i feel it when you call my name
and even if i've known love before
those now dont feel the same
this love is different
more joy, less pain
i hope your love is the final version
i pray for this love to never change