"Mahal na mahal kita" yan  ang sabi mo ng minsang yakap mo ako.
Ako'y ngingiti ng malaki higit pa sa buwang naka ukit sa gabi.
Pero bat ganito ang nararamdaman ko?
May halong takot at pangamba.
Oo mahal kita, mahal na makal kita.
Ang kinakatakot ko ay ako ay masaya,
ngunit baka ako'y iwan mo rin at hayaang lumuha mag-isa.

Natatakot ako na tuwing tinititigan kita
na bukas ay wala ka na
o baka, baka may mahal ka ng iba.
Natatakot ako.
Bakit ganito? Pagmamahal na napalitan ng pangamba.
Pagmamahal na napalitan ng luha galing sa aking mga mata.
na sa tuwing yakap kita, ako'y nangangamba.
Ayoko na...
Gusto kitang yakapin at sabihing---
"Mahal wag mo akong iwan"
Ngunit sasabihin mo
"Mahal, ano nanaman ba yan?"

Akala mo biro-biruan lang
ang pag sabi ko nyan,
pero isang matinik na takot ang nararamdaman.
Na sa tuwing aalis ka baka hindi na bumalik pa.
Na sa tuwing hindi mo pag-yakap sa akin sa gabi
ako'y nag-aalala sa lipi.
Na sa tuwing paghalik mo sa aking labi
baka... baka unti-unti mo nang nararamdaman ang pighati.

Mahal, pasensya na
kung ganito ang aking nadarama
sa pang araw araw na kasama ka.
Mahal hindi ko rin alam kung bat ganto ang nadarama.
Kaya siguro... ika'y pinapalaya ko na.
Mahal na mahal kita...
Na kaya kitang palayain at ika'y maging masaya.
Hindi dahil sa may mahal ng iba.
Kundi ako'y na tatakot na.
Hindi ko alam ngunit
sa tuwing kapiling ka, ako'y hindi makahinga.
Puro pag-aalala ang nadarama.
Daladala sa mga minutong kasama ka
sa gabing malamig,
sa mga tanghaling mainit.
sa muling pag-luhat pag-iyak.
Sa pananabik sa iyong mga halik.

Ito lang ang kaya kong gawin para sayo't sa akin.
Ang hayaan kang maging masaya kapiling ang iba.
Dahil aking nadarama may mas mahigit pa.
Sa kaya kong alay sayo at ibigay
sa pusong na nanamlay
at nadudurog na kasing liit ng palay
At ang tanging kayang sabihin sa mga bagay na aking nagawang kamalia'y
Mayala ka na aking mahal,
Tandaan mo, ika'y aking mahal na mahal higit pa sa aking buhay.

a sharp blow
swung out by
you,
who was thought a friend

produced a small hole
at the base of my skull
behind my left ear
ringing echoes inside
and shining sparks down
the splits of the mystical dendrite forest
thicker than thieves,
illuminating
the deep and dark of me

and out of the hole
comes some stuff of wisps,
lavender colored dust
with quiet rays of glimmer flickering all through it
floating and curling in the air thick as smoke

is that stuff me?

then it settled in a fine layer on my lashes
and my alveoli
and my eyes were filled with a vision
time slowed as we moved faster
slowly closing my eyes and then

I was in the porch of my infant home
on a late afternoon when there was the first breath of relief from the heat.
but in the familiar air there was a deep stillness
unsettling as I had never known it
and I looked out into the back yard, and over the tree line there
in the distance was a towering wall of dark clouds
and wind whipped through the line of trees

I closed my eyes and when I opened
I was with my little brothers sitting on the cold tile
of the patio of our home in Costa Rica
and rain was pouring down in lines from the sky,
thick sheets running off the slats on all three sides
I got up and stepped into the rain
Mayala reached out for me and said "¡ joelle, NO !"

this time when I closed my eyes,
I opened them but there was no longer anything
and in fact there was no longer vision at all
I tried very hard to remember what vision was.

I suddenly realized
there was not much left of me.
I felt the purple mists of me going out with the wind
to become the nothing
time moved forward with grace
one step, and two
then
it was all done.