To the now estranged friend,
I am writing this with a heavy heart. That was a lie. I am merely writing this. I do not feel any emotion towards it. I do not feel any emotion at all.
Maybe saying I'm tired would count, but no, that is a feeling, a physical state. I still feel, but not emotions. This is what happens when the faculties of the heart are ripped from it and its role is reduced to monotonous beating. I should talk to it more. You should talk to yours more.
I bet you feel lonely, I bet you can't stand being alone with yourself. Don't worry, you're not alone in this. I bet you feel depressed. I did too. That was a lie; I do not feel depressed, I cannot feel depressed, I am merely tired. You should examine yourself from time to time, it look at yourself from all angles - gives you a good idea of where you are and what you need to do, it may even allow you to come to some terms with your depression. I bet you are afraid. I was afraid.
I was afraid because I could so clearly foresee my own life rotting away of itself, like a leaf that rots without falling, while I pursued my round of existence from day to day.
I've come across two types of depressed people in my life, the ones who are depressed because the things that they valued in life are falling apart, family, marriage, school, a good job, the death of their favourite flower, whatever you value, whatever.
The other type are often depressed because they lack a meaning in their lives, they wait for day to turn into night so that they can sleep away or distract themselves from the dreadful question of what they lived for that day or what they'll live for tomorrow. It is often this kind of depression which is cured by anti-depressants. No, "cure" is not the right word. Anti-depressants do not bring meaning to your life, they simply sooth the suffering and make you forget it for a while, until you, once more, realise the lack of meaning in your life. What's even worse is that you don't know what you're suffering for, I mean you have everything you want, so why are you sad? And what's the point of making up new desires for yourself and wasting money on them just to find out that they don't help?
The shame makes it worse, you can't hold your head high because you feel yourself ungrateful, you feel guilty, you begin to loath yourself because you think that you're being ungrateful and there is no reason to be sad - but you just can't escape it and as each day passes it paralyses you even more, either emotionally, psychologically, or physically.
This may even make you want to jump into the river, meaningless suffering is worse after all. Suffering ceases to be suffering when you give meaning to it, it becomes bearable, hell it may even cause you to make something out of your life and cure you.
I do not claim that what I will tell you will get rid of your suffering, it is only you who can do that, but I shall say it either way, so that it may help another.
I have learnt there to be three avenues in one's life from which one can derive a sense of meaning.
1) In a creation - we see ourselves reflected in what we create, be they paintings, music, pottery, poetry, letters written to people who'll never bother reading them, and in experiences which we create, for ourselves and others.
2) In events, I am sure you may agree that there will occur events in one's life which will completely transform them, be it for better or for worse, these events also may help bring meaning to that life for they add colour to it so that the painting in the end is not too monochrome or too colourful - just right. These events can be falling in love, marriage, death - yes, it is true, one may realise what they lived for all those years only in the final days, hours, minutes, or even seconds of their life - that is when you can see your life's image whole.
3) In the attitude we take towards unavoidable suffering. I have often thought this to be most important of all, how you choose to react to your suffering may in itself contain the meaning of your life, the meaning you give to your suffering . Do not be ashamed of your suffering - it is not a competition so do not compare it to that of others, everything seems insignificant compared to the grand scale of things. As Victor E Frankl said: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude to suffering in any set of given circumstances."
However, allow me to note that you should not seek suffering, believing that it will give your life some meaning - that will just make you a *******. Moreover, I think it must be said, meaning is not a static value, it does not remain the same for the rest of your life. It is something that must change - like every single other thing - if it is to remain.
One day you may wake up and see that a beautiful flower has bloomed in your garden, that may become your new meaning in life - to care for it, to be with it and admire its beauty, to love it.
