The first time I didn't mean to make the cut
I heard dad's bedroom door open
I had the razor blade halfway apart
He couldn't see
So I fumbled
I was already shaking
and it slipped
scrape
across my thumb
The blood poured out, and I panicked
I couldn't feel anything though
It was numb
And after he left
Watching the blood pool out was....
satisfactory
I thought of everything that's gone wrong lately
And I brought up those dark feelings
After the blood ran dry
I picked up the blade
And began to hack away at my thigh
Each bit with a stinging pain
But satisfaction all the same
Relief like no other
A secret almost as dark as the one that bides me to do this
I didn't mean to fall this deep
But the blade wants more...
And I'm not one to stop it

I'm growing desperate
I'm reaching out
You're my last hope
Don't give up on me now

I like to lay in the dark
Until I remember it terrifies me
I like to think of you
Until I remember that you're gone
And I like to go back to the places we used to go
Stand in the same exact places
Relive our old conversations in my mind
Until I remember you
Won't be there
And you never will be again
Oh how I messed up

The life faded from my dark brown eyes
The day you shot me dead
Pools of blood streamed down your hands
Unmoved you washed it off
Like it was nothing
Like I was nothing
Your light blue eyes like ice
Equally cold, you were grinning
As you took her hand and
Walked far away from my
Body, small and bleeding out
Not yet dead
Alive enough to see
Your true nature at last
*But it was too late for me

They call this living
This is not living
Living is somewhere with you
Somewhere far away
From here
With your hand in mine
Our toes in the sand
My head on your chest
The wind pulling through your hair
And the sweet scent of
'I love you'
Whispered over and over
For just us to hear
But this is not living
I am here and you are there
No sweet 'I love you's'
Just static silence
With on occasion
The lonely echo of
'I hate you'
bouncing off the walls
To lull myself asleep
There are no tender embraces
Just our fists
Pounding against nothing
In this barren desert of the past
This is not living
This is hell

I remember a conversation we once had
Where you told me this bit of advice
'Deep down inside,
Nessa,
Everyone just wants to be loved and accepted'
Can't you just accept that I love you?

I like to trace the outlines of the cuts
I like to stare at what I've done
Not in awe
Not because I'm proud of it
(and trust me, I'm not)
But because it seems so surreal
When you've become dead inside
It's the last thing that lets you know
You're still human
You're not completely numb
There is still hope
You just have to keep trying
You will find it
*(But I can tell you it won't be in the blood you spill)

It may have meant nothing to you
But those were the moments
I lived for
And to see you forget them
To see you act like they never happened
Kills me
Did I really make it that easy to be just another pretty little face in your life?

I can picture everything so clearly in my mind
My heart pounding
Tears streaming down my face
That I didn't even know were there until you pointed them out
Seeing how upset I was
(At that point I was shaking)
You stopped walking, and pulled me in
You kissed my forehead
You told me it would be okay
You loved me.
You took my hand
And led me to a secluded spot
You told me I didn't have to do this
But did I have any other choice?

This city is dead
Full of mindless zombies
Ambling about their lives
Not a thought in the world
Is this what we've come to?
Shun the creative?
Hide the different?
This city is dead
This world is dead
If we don't start to do something
Our hopes are as good as dead

You continue to say you love me
But you and I both know the truth
You don't love me
You just love the things I do
for you
If you truly 'still loved me'
like you always claim you do
We'd still be together
But here I am
Without you

The feelings we once had have faded
(At least for you they have)
We avoid each other the best we can
(I go out of my way to run into you)
Sometimes I'll catch you looking my way
(Please tell me what you're thinking)
Our eyes never meet for more than a second
(Please. Just tell me what's wrong)
It doesn't have to be this way.
*(Can we please just talk this through?)

I hope you realize, it doesn't have to be this way
We could take it all back, you and I
Back to where we were friends
Back to where we'd sit up all night
Together
Laughing and nothing
And everything
At the same time
I miss those days
I miss you
But not you now
You've become foreign
The ghost of person I once knew
The person I fell in love with
You never used to be like this
Please just come home
To me
I won't be around forever

I'm the rock
At the edge of the water
Who sits there
Relentlessly
While the waves crash over me
Changing me
Wearing me
Breaking me
Until I am no more
Then I'm carried out to sea
Lost and gone forever

Everyone was outside
They wouldn't notice if we were missing
You pushed me into the empty room
and quietly shut the door
click
The door locked
And there was no getting out

Know that what
You did is impossible to forgive, even though I still
Love you, have you
Ever thought of the pain you caused? Or the destruction you left in your wake?