Happiness, the evasive Lover of Man
Never wanting to commit
Always dancing out of reach
With enough charm to make you chase her
She teases and tempts
Seduces and beckons
Promises and smiles
But remains her own force
Unyielding to those desiring to claim her
Some brand her a myth
Others an urban legend
But those of who have seen her face
Will forever bask in the memory
Hoping to one day reclaim its vision
The splendor of her beauty
Our unattainable hope.

You are my bitter downfall
I didn't love you first
In fact you came in last
To claim what many have searched for
But none have taken
You came in last,
You came in last
To a land where none have traveled
To be what none have been
You took what you could
You took what you can
You are my bitter downfall
You never thought twice
But I thought a thousand times
Of what I lack
Now that I know you
Now that you know me

Hit me so I taste blood
I’ll swallow it
Mama didn’t raise no spitter
Kiss me with your teeth
Lock me away with the monsters in the closet
Tie me with up with heartstrings
Wrap me up in sandpaper

Keep your tenderness far from me
Your sweet nothings rot my teeth
Holding me close at sunrise gives me morning-after sickness
Kisses on my forehead break my skin out
Touching me gently gives me hives, not goosebumps
If you don’t pretend to care
I won’t have to pretend to believe you

I wish I could take back what I gave you for Christmas
I wish instead of a calendar for you to mark your days on
I had given you all my skin to carve your name on
And I wish instead of a CD with songs I already memorized
You had given me your voice with words I wouldn't recognize

I let him break into me
The next day I thought my lips had broken,
I thought my innocence had burst into flames,

But still, he is in my thoughts.
I think about how it all changed that afternoon,
That ruined, Summer Afternoon.

My soft skin aches,
When I think of my Parasite Lover,
That Destroyer and I.

Everything is blue,
his pills,
his hands,
his jeans.
And now I'm covered in the colors
Pull apart at the seams.
And it's blue.

Everything is grey,
his hair,
his smoke,
his dreams.
And now he's so devoid of color,
he don't know what it means.

and it's blue

The things I hold dearest tend to be the most slippery
I can’t catch a good grasp
And they fall from my hands like liquid
I wish I could keep them in my clasp

I found a home within strangers
A light inside of the unknown
I was taken in and I settled in
But now they’re all grown

And I feel like an empty nester
I feel like I’m the only one holding on
But I don’t know to accept
That the best thing I’ve ever known could ever be gone

Messy car
Lights of the parking garage
Shining too brightly into my window
I try to sleep
But too many strangers pass by
I want to be home
In a bed
In someone’s arms
I’m scared
And alone
Christmas music plays
I remember what life used to be
I remember what family used to mean

I was thrown out
The ones who made me
Didn’t like their creation
Blinded by their hatred
Followers of their favoritism
I was scared
I was alone
Christmas lights shine from happy houses
I try to get a hotel
But there’s no room in the inn
For people like me

One day I found two angels
Or should I say that they found me
Took me in
Sacrificed and shared
Let me into their worlds
Gave me a home and a reason again
And for the first time since she died
I felt unconditionally accepted
I felt love and warmth
I wasn’t scared anymore
I wasn’t alone anymore

These angels offered me a bed and a shower
But what they gave me was life
At a time when life seemed like a fairytale
A time when I was ready to throw it away
I found more than a place to stay
I found a family

If I sabotaged others like I do myself,
I'd be a ******* weapon of mass destruction

Isn't it true that as a kid
You have nightmares
Of boogeymen and monsters

You run scared to your parents' room
Desperate for their warmth
And that reassurance of reality they offer?

We learn as children
That the substance of our worst nightmares
Can never touch us when we wake

That the threat in the closet is just a shadow
The scratching on your window,
Nothing more than a tree.

We are comforted in knowing that when we wake we can say,
"It was all just a dream."
We cannot be reached in consciousness.

Maybe that's why it was so ******* unreal,
So horrifyingly against all my soothing logic,
When I opened your apartment door that day

Because I saw the monster from my panic-filled nights,
standing, wearing your pants, right in front of me,
And no amount of pinching could make her disappear.

Now, whenever I wake in a cold sweat,
Heart chilled,
Mind spinning,
I will never again feel sweet relief with the words,
"It was only a dream,"

Because it's never just a dream
When you're living in a nightmare.

Where are you?
Why did you have to leave?
Wasn't the love I gave you enough to motivate you to show your true colors,
To bring forth light into the darkness you hide in and the caves you built?
Or to destroy the mask you wore to make sure no one saw anything beautiful?
Because then they'd expect things
And you hate standards.
You prefer to be afraid and small
Because you recognized that size does matter
And it's easier to be a shower than a grower.
Your insecurity over your ability to be more permeates the air
And everyone you touch.
You could be a healer,
But, instead, you poison the water with your blood
Your blood that smears across the mirror saying,
"Not Worthy,"
And everyone who knows you feels the wrath of your self-hatred,
Dark and strong like the alcohol you consume to get through the day
But I won't be a passenger in your car wrecks any longer
I won't stick around just so you have a companion
When you smash us both through the windshield.
You can be your own ghost, now.
I'm returning to the living.
I can live without you,
But can you live with you?

I once told myself that I must be dreaming,
And then the boy told me that I was a dream.
But now when I ask him if he loves me, he says
four little words:
Only in your dreams.

My insides feel like a forsaken tomb that has been reawakened by a misguided seeker
A mummified corpse cursed by the trials of life

But one who has been still in her coffin
Hoping and waiting and dreaming and hoping again
What fools our hopes make of us
For no one can truly bring the dead to life

Not even one such as you, brilliant and vibrant as you are
The very image of the dawn
You are the sun, but I am the shadow of doubt you cast
And you will set before I can rise

What goes up will always come down, they say
Either peacefully or violently
Freely falling or pushed off the ledge,
It falls.

I can go up so high,
Higher than the clouds,
Only to find you somewhere amidst the wispy air
I barrel back towards earth.

And here I sit as my numbing agent wears off
Broken from the impact of the crash
And all the boys and all the girls are laying next to their person
I sit alone.

To be without you is to be the girl at 3 in the morning,
Searching for snacks,
Throwing soda cans at the TV,
Sitting beside myself and wondering why everything has to be so **** tragic.

I hate you for what I’ve become.
I love you in the same breath.

Your eyes are so blue
And remind me of the heaven I used to seek
But heaven already crashed down to earth
And now your eyes are the bottom of the sea

“You can’t appreciate beauty unless you keep still,”
And there’s you, constantly shifting feet
Afraid that if you stand on one for too long it will fall asleep
And, while dreaming, will walk you to promises you could never keep.

You belittled and misconstrued
The love that I carried, the love that was true
But it could never be enough for someone always craving new
Hell bent on destruction, both for me and for you.

So I walk with strength today, your sins now my message
I carried them into the light, rescued them from the darkness that was ours
You dare to raise your fists because I sold your transgressions
Who the **** do you think you are?

I'm the kind of girl
that crawls into a serial killer's bed
he whispers "I'm going to **** you when this is over"
I blush
But am flushed and confounded
when I wake up dead
"But I thought what we had was special!"

We’ve spent our entire lives captive to your ideals
We enter our favorite bar to the reverential welcome of our brothers and sisters
There is sadness in the knowledge of your opinions
But freedom in the release of our worries of your attitudes
We can only be who we are; who we are sanctioned to be
Through trial and fire we were formed and through more fire shall we be refined
Your words and stones do not phase us,
We have been laden with assaults as long as we can hope to remember
So your judgments do not sentence us,
For we have made ourselves our own judges
Liberated from the corrupt and the pious
You do not know our stories,
Nor do you understand our hearts
You don’t care to know what we dream of at night,
Nor what we aspire to by day
You only see an image that you have been trained to prejudge
A rung on the social ladder that you can step on,
That way you are one step closer to your social goals
We are people,
Unlike you
But same somehow
We still feel, still care, still love,
We just do it a little better than you
Because we understand that you can never truly know someone
Until you give up the idea that you already know who they are.

I'm supposed to say happy fathers day
With hallmark emotion
But all i feel is is the abandonment
Of what you made

You threw us away
Knowing the cost
Choosing ***** and ******
Over what you made

I can’t miss what I never had
Can’t know what it’s like to have a dad
When all you ever been is a lie
When all you’ve given is a tragedy

To your groups
To gain sympathy
When i’m the one with haunted minds
And you’re the the one on constant highs

An artificial family
The love you feel is merely an echo
Forged from narcissism and *******
Of the heart you lost years ago

We saw the real light of happiness as children
And as adults we chased impostors
Worshiping false idols we thought we knew

But we wasted our time chasing street lamps
Fireworks, lighting bolts, fireflies
Mistakenly believing it was the radiance from our half-remembered dreams

Not realizing that the candle had been blown out years ago

I lay on your bed in an imprint that isn't mine
Left there from the last girl that you found yourself inside
Kick away her ******* that are the color of you
And pretend that I'm something new

Killer eyes, foggy lies straight from my nightmares
You'd never guess that I relish in every scare
Grab me by the throat and silence my screams
Rip apart my resolve with your teeth

Self-delusions are grand but not as bold as the truth
It's screaming at me from my friend's mouths, pouring out of you
I know I'll never be able to take care of you
Because that's not what wicked girls do

I'm so colorblind but I see red so very well
Want to rip into your heart just to see it pool and swell
But when you entered me I saw another hue
And now I see that I'm red, but you'll always be blue

You said that the last 6 girls you dated chain smoked in winter
But I just wanna chain smoke your laugh in the spring
Ill probably be back on the nicotine by summer
And by the fall, only memories of the smoke will sting

I ****** myself
But no pleasure was received
I ******* myself
Out of my own heart
I should have taken your hand
Followed you down into the cheesy tunnel of love
Should have ridden the gaudy swan with you
All the way down
Past the twinkling lights and into the dungeon
Where I lock up the parts of myself
That are afraid
That I protect
From people like you
People who care
People who love
You showed me truth
I hid from your light like a wraith
I don’t deserve you
But I would give anything
To have one more chance
Because with every road I have traveled
Thinking they would be more profitable than yours
I have become poorer
You were my El Dorado
I just didn’t see it at the time
And now it’s too late
And someone else has stolen the light
That, just for me, in your eyes used to shine

The opposite of the "Other Woman"
Is the woman left behind
The one forgotten, abandoned, betrayed
Who comes to find that
Though he was her's first
She was the Other Woman the entire time

Death and other deities
Tip toe across my bedroom
Awake or asleep they still take my dreams
Hold them in one hand and open the other
Spilling the sorrows of the world
Onto my body
Slipping nightmares into my bedtime tea
And promises of nothingness under my sheets