They say it's a momentary crisis
But I've been having this crisis every moment in the day
I miss him
I miss having someone to talk to
Do you know what it feels like to run at seventy-five percent speed
All the time?
He ran with me at full speed
Supported me when I fell
Supported me when I flew
And held my hand when I needed a friend
He listened to my interests with gleaming eyes
He put down all his walls
Just so that he could be closer to me
He showed me everything that was important to him
He let me go when I needed it
He caught me when I needed it
He is on my mind in those lonely moments
He is in my dreams when I least expect it
I love him somehow even though I don't know him anymore

I'm eating something toxic
And if I stop I think I'll die
But if I don't I will be sick forevermore
How do you stop the only thing that's keeping you going
When it's one of the things that's keeping you down?
How do you give up your lifeline
When it's also the chain that keeps you locked up?
How do you fix the problem
When it's the solution?
How do you solve isolation
When it's the people around you that make you feel lonely?
How do you move forward
When you're always taking two steps back?
How do you chase your dreams
When they turn into nightmares whenever you try?
How do you go and talk to someone
When the very thought makes your heart seize up?
How do you look life in the eye and say "***** you"
When it just screws you right back?
How do you sleep
When you're always sad?
I'm eating something toxic
And if I stop I think I'll die
But if I don't I will be sick forevermore

There's the kind of pain
That's sharp and acute
And the kind that throbs
And the kind that aches
And the kind that burns
And the kind that's like a blow to your soul
Many things can cause this pain
There's the physical damage that something can do to you
There's the emotional distress that the world can cause
And there's the overwhelming,
Shred yourself to bits,
Heart wrenching
PAIN
That you can cause yourself.
And it's not even your fault
You would gladly love yourself
And care for yourself
And smile with actual feeling behind it
But you can't.
It's not your fault
That the voice in your head tells you
You're not worth it
You're not enough
Nobody cares about you
Nothing would change if you were gone
It manifests itself in your heart
Pushing and pulling
In the trembling of your body
In the tears streaming down your face
In the scratches your nails leave on your skin
In the ache from pulling your hair
In the throbbing in your head
In the pain in your jaw from clenched teeth
And in the sharp jagged pieces
From where you fell apart.
It's hard to push it down when you have to
And hard to bring it up to anyone
But god I want to feel again
And not just pain and sadness and loneliness and distress and desperation
I want the excitement of another's gaze
The full throated laugh when you're with friends
The pride in your own accomplishment
The soft caress of sunlight on my face
The love of someone's attention.
I sleep too much
I walk too slow
I cry much more
Than you'll ever know
Because life hurts.

Do you ever feel like you just need to get away?
That the daily ins and outs of life
Are getting too boring
Too repetitive
Too familiar
And you need something new in your life
Something exciting
Exhilarating
Unknown
Like you want to go on an adventure
See the sun rise in the morning
Bursting from the horizon in a brilliant stream of colour
Orange and red and pink and purple
And rising steadily until it is high enough in the sky
To be a white ball looking down on you
See the waves on a distant shore
Crashing against the earth in a never-ending battle
White foam topping their crests like crowns
Beating steadily, in a rhythm that is calming
The vast ocean spreading out before you
See a new city
Hear a different language spoken too fast for you to catch
Watch people bustle past carrying on their lives
Admire the culture and style and food of somewhere unfamiliar
Visit museums and galleries
Let your mouth gape at the sights
See rolling green hills
Rising and falling from the ground like waves
Grass swaying in a gentle breeze
Unbroken as far as the eye can see
The green so pure you could almost say it isn't real
See small villages
Full of people who love each other
And rely on each other
A community that shows you what it is to be human
What it is to be intimate and caring
See towering mountains
White capped and majestic
With peaks too high for you to see
That seem to touch the sky, pierce the clouds
And yet keep growing from the earth
See flowing rivers
Ploughing through the terrain
A steady stream of water that won't be stopped
Or babbling brooks
Dancing their way down a pile of rocks
Tickling the ground as they gently make their way to something greater
See history
Old buildings with vines snaking up their sides
Ruins that are crumbling but not gone
Structures that were a whole belief system once
Memorials to remember those who have been lost
And sites of important events
I want to get out and see the world
Get out of this bubble
This cage
This small, locked room
It almost feels as if I'm suffocating
And I need that breath of fresh air
That new thrill
That adventure.

I don't know where I'm going
I think at one point I did
But it's not really clear anymore
I don't have the same things as before
I don't think I'm in the same place
I can't do the same things
I don't know the same people
Even myself
I'm not really sure what I want
But I think I'm supposed to know
Or at least decide soon
I don't want to do this though
Where am I supposed to go?
How am I supposed to get there?
A voice in the wind
A message in the stars
A feeling in my heart
That's not enough
I'm not enough
I feel like I'm losing my balance
Falling over and over again
But not really going anywhere
I don't really know if I want to go anywhere
I'm a mess
I'm hurting
I'm lost.

I don't want to fight it.
Joy pops in just to give you perspective
When sorrow rears its ugly head again.
Loneliness is being alone
And the absence of people
And the absence of love
And the absence of purpose
And the absence of hope
It is empty.
Loneliness will keep you company
Which is as ironic as it gets.
It holds you almost as tight as sadness does
And it's hard to fight against their grip
It's tiring
It's difficult
It's not worth it.
It hurts, it takes, it is relentless.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I don't want to force a smile
I don't want to convince myself to get out of bed
I don't want to struggle to go outside
I don't want to fight it anymore.
"Just breathe" isn't good enough
"It'll get better" won't do it
"Be strong" doesn't help.
Crying is cathartic
But also addictive.
Nobody knows how to ask for help
And even if they do
It's hard
To admit that you are so far gone
To the people that you care about.
And what would help?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I'm battle-worn
Bruised
Fatigued
Scarred
Bleeding
Trembling
Moaning in pain
Baring my soul for all to see but hiding it behind my heart.
It's hard to see through tears
It's hard to speak with a throat so closed
It's hard to walk when you don't want to go
It's hard to stay when you feel suffocated
How do you stop when you're so far in?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
What does a beating heart mean?
That you are alive?
That you feel?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
Nights are the hardest,
Not because it's dark
But because the world slows down
It doesn't bring you places
Or bring people to you
It tells you to rest
But that is when the demons creep in
Whispering
Telling you that you're not good enough
Telling you what's wrong with you
Playing on your heart
Tearing it apart
Playing with your thoughts
Tugging them this way and that.
Rocking back and forth
Pulling at your hair
Biting your fingers
Anything to distract from the pain in your chest
I don't want to fight it.

I'm tired of sitting on a bench alone
Shivering in the cold
Reading a book but being distracted by people walking by.
I'm tired of hoping I won't be late
Setting alarms to ensure I leave
Walking so fast the cold air makes my lungs hurt.
I'm tired of having him on my mind
Wanting him near me
Loving him with all my heart so there is none left for myself.
I'm tired of feeling pressured
Panicking if I don't get something right
Hoping I don't disappoint those around me.
I'm tired of keeping up appearances
Trying to see people
Forcing myself to go out and be myself.
I'm tired of sleepless nights
Tossing and turning
Watching the shadows turn as morning comes.
I'm tired of making lists
Checking things off
Having to do it to make myself feel like something is under control.
I'm tired of crying in the shower
Making it as hot as I can stand
Using the running water to conceal my tears.
I'm tired of not being good enough
Being told I just wasn't right
Seeing everyone around me succeed.
I'm tired of being here
Knowing that I can't ever take a break
Hoping that soon it will look up.

Everyday we go to school with the weight of the world on our shoulders
We walk through the halls with the weight of untold worries, hurried decisions and quiet stress
We sit in class and wait with the weight of unknown answers
We talk through lunch with the weight of social pressures
We go home with the weight of too many books on our back
We go in the house with the weight of the school day
We do our homework with the weight of an impending due date
We eat dinner with the weight of dysfunctional family conversation
We go to sleep with the weight of the entire day on our minds
We wake up with the weight of restless sleep in our eyes
And we do it all again with the weight of the knowledge that we will be caught in this loop for years to come

The swell and ebb of roaring waves
The high tide and the crest of the surf
The deep swirling blue and clear turquoise
The wide expanse made of many small drops
The constant movement with no goal
The ocean's grandeur and chaos
Is like our emotions.

The soft whisper of a summer breeze
The loud roar of an impending storm
The violent whipping of loose limbs
The swirling of fallen leaves in a small twister
The gathering of clouds in a huge hurricane
The wind's grace and unpredictability
Is like our emotions.

The slow growth over a thousand years
The constant carving of rock face
The crevices and niches hidden from view
The towering presence in a rolling landscape
The chill tops and the elemental core
The mountains' splendour and loneliness
Is like our emotions.

The roof of vivid leafy green
The floor of twisted scarred roots
The intertwining of many branches
The voices of all the creaking trunks and bark
The space occupied by one in the same
The forest's strength and complexity
Is like our emotions.

The kind of sobs that shake your entire body
And the kind of pain that starts in your soul
But slowly devours you.

The emptiness that is a dark void, extra space
Hollow and echoing
All around and all inside you.

Everywhere you look is someone happier
Someone more accomplished
Someone more full than you.

Pleasure is just a bridge to the next wide expanse of pain
To the next dense forest of loneliness
To the worst things that find you.

It cannot be expelled by light or laughter
Nor can it be warmly caressed into submission
Because it lives and thrives on you.

It was not your choice, none of it was
You would **** it if you could
You would go back to being you.

Strength comes not from blind bravery and knowledge
It comes from pain and suffering and sadness
That have bowed down to you.

Loneliness doesn't come from having no one around you
It comes from having no one truly with you
But it will never be stronger than you.

It's alright, it's alright, it's all wrong but alright
No one's got it all
But no one's here to save you.

She's lost because she's lost her touch
The motivation's gone and she ain't got much
A talented girl who fell apart
With an aching head and a swollen heart
They're healing but the wounds still hurt
The voice in her head is harsh and curt
She left and now it's killing her
But she can't go back to how things were
Some nights she spends lying awake
Others she cries and trembles and shakes
Because her world now lies around her feet
In sharp-edged pieces in her sheets
A shattered world, a fractured soul
She didn't know it would take this toll
She's going strong, with the weakest will
Smiling though her feet are still
She is scarred in more ways than one
There are times when she thinks she's done
But it's not as bad as it could be
Says the gentle voice that can always see
There are some things worth going for
Things that didn't matter as much before
Her heart is set on other things
Though she still longs for a pair of wings
So here she sits and writes away
Going through her empty days
She hopes and knows things will look up
Because she knows that's what life does.

What we feel is simplicity
Is simply what we take for granted
The things we know
Familiarity
Are the things we grew up with
The things that are part of our routine
Our daily lives
But even those are familiar
And change is foreign
It seems complicated
Because it is not familiarity
And therefore not simplicity
A simple leaf
On a simple branch
On a simple tree
Is green, then orange or red
Then dead
But that is simply how leaves work
They have veins
And wrinkles
Much like our own hands
But we do not put a stop
To our daily days
To consider how leaves
And our own hands
Are simply similar
Instead we continue on
With what is familiar
And therefore
What is simple.

Connect the dots
And wavering lines
Make them look better
And seem stronger
But isn't that just appearance?
A connection we can see
Just what's on the surface
We can't see if it's really there
We don't really know
We rarely do
Which is why we say
We're all geniuses
Is faking knowledge
Smarter than really knowing?
Or is it just real
Just fake
I, for one, don't really know
I never do these days
Because these days themselves
Don't even know anymore
What is up, and down
And inside out
Is it fake? Real?
I can't tell
Truths and lies are spider's webs
Laced fingers
Lolling heads
Lazy afternoons
Stressed nights
Love
Loss
Fear
Delight
A winter's day
A summer's night
Ideals, endeavors
Hopes and dreams
Wishes, hearts
And ripping seams
I could never sew
Very well
That wasn't me
And it never will be
I'm running out of characters
We have a limited amount
Now, you see
Because sometimes it's just too much
For all us geniuses.

There is always
Prettier
Smarter
Friendlier
More talented
More confident
Stronger
Faster
Steadier
More whole
More loving
More understanding
Kinder
Wittier
More graceful
More fit
Funnier
Happier
Better
That is how we are never perfect, which they all say is bad. But then aren't we all bad?
I am broken. I am a mess. I am nothing of which you deserve.
But if you see perfection where I see shattered pieces of me
And you hold me as I fall apart
If you love me when I feel my most alone
Then maybe I can live without being perfect
To everyone that is bad
As long as I am perfect
To the one person that is good.

You'll be alright
It will be ok
Everything's fine
It will go away
Oh really?
I'm skeptical
A pretty rhyme
To soothe the soul
Does nothing
For the mind
I think I'll worry
I think I'll doubt
Maybe it's not my fault
Maybe I just don't care
Or perhaps I do
Perhaps it means more to me
Than you will ever know
How could you know?
The nooks and crannies
Of my innermost thoughts
Are no simple path
They are a maze
Of words and feelings
And lost reasons
The fear I feel
The joy I hold
The hurt I harbor
The love I have
You can't know unless
You really see
You can't see unless
I show you
Unless I bring my walls down
That rarely happens
And so far
I've always regretted it
So when you say
It will be ok
You don't really know
And neither do I
So tell me anyways
I need to hear it.

Living but
Dying but
Drifting in between,
Confused and
Hurting and
Ripping at the seams.
Loving but
Losing but
Knowing what I lost,
Falling and
Crashing and
Not knowing the cost.
Wanting but
Needing but
It's just out of reach,
Watching and
Waiting and
Walls are being breached.
Feeling but
Holding but
Completely slipping through,
Seeing and
Believing and
Losing trust in you.
Ending but
Starting but
Harder than before,
Hoping and
Thinking and
Maybe there is more.
Letting but
Guarding but
Somehow it will do,
Learning and
Choosing and
Regaining faith in you.

When the time escapes
In the raging storm
And the heart you know
Isn't there anymore
I will hold you
Until the sun comes up.

When the night is dark
But the stars are bright
And a cold wind blows
With all it's might
I will shelter you
I hope it's enough.

When the rain comes down
And you feel exposed
Dance in the drops
This is what you chose
I will be there
I always will be.

When you feel defeat
Behind your eyes
Just shed a tear
And shed the disguise
I will show you
I will help you see.

Did you ever notice.....

The sky blue pencil crayon is always the first to run out.

When your lips are chapped you lick them, which only makes them more chapped.

No one is pretty when they cry.

You yawn when you are bored, tired, or don't have enough oxygen.

How difficult it is to find a rhyme for orange or purple.

Everything she does is beautiful
Scared to death to say I love her
Those three words are used to too much, they're not enough
If you love me, won't you let me know
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf
So please don't leave
I need to grow older with a girl like you
Two is better than one
As I look into my angel's eyes
In darkness she is all I see
Cuz I love her with all that I am
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
No way to know how long she will be next to me
I wanna shelter you
I need you like a heart needs a beat
If falling for you girl is crazy, then I'm going out of my mind
I feel warm with your hand in mine
Cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly
I think I love you better now
You are my heaven
You make me happier than I've been by far
Oh, you make me smile

For you, my love, the things I'd do
Are infinite in number
Remember this road goes two ways
With things we will discover
So I would sit and count the stars
If it meant that you
Would stay by my side and that your love
Would never be less than true
I'll say those words aloud to you
But I must be sure you know
There are no words that do exist
To let my feelings show

I am from daydreams,
from roast beef Sundays,
and bichon frises who sniff for crumbs.
I am from swinging in the park Dad helped to build,
from walking in the back paths and yelling at the geese.
I am from sitting atop the coach’s shoulders,
from grasshopper and “do great things."

I am from home videos with epic battles and dramatic deaths,
from my nose buried in a book,
and drinking in Tamora’s words.
I’m from spending hours in the studio with its wall of mirrors
and experts spilling out corrections and wisdom.
I am from Big Red, and Little Black A Pony,
and from the chicken place.

I am from driving with my feet,
from making dinner,
and playing Sly Cooper.
I am from being too young to understand, from being too young to know what to say,
and to have known them well.
I’m from crying because I didn’t know that her ghostly figure would be my last memory of her.

I am from the teacher who shed a tear and believed,
from keeping secrets,
and leaving it all behind.
I’m from drowsy morns, grumpy afternoons, and engaging evenings.
I am from a head full of photos,
lost memories,
and dreams.
I am from a heart with experience,
in sorrow and joy,
that holds me together,
and keeps everything else.

Dancing on my own
Better off alone
And with this courage that I've found
You can't keep me down
I know that I'm too scared
I know that I can't fly
I know I've got a ways to go
But I will touch the sky
There's so much behind
There's so much ahead
But I am living in the now
Not in what's been said
This feeling's so strong
Something that is pure
I will get along
Of that I am sure

You can't forget or leave it behind,
It has become part of you, something to accept,
Although it causes so much grief,
It isn't something you can neglect.

Life will go on through anything,
So don't give up on today,
You never know what's around the corner,
Something better will come your way.

If you're losing the battle,
You think that it's too hard to fight,
Remember I am always with you,
To guide you towards a light.

Life will go on through anything,
So don't give up on today,
You never know what's around the corner,
Something better will come your way.

Darkness may seem to be closing in,
But push it back, I know you can,
If you feel your strength draining,
All you have to do is take my hand.

Life will go on through anything,
So don't give up on today,
You never know what's around the corner,
Something better will come your way.

Although mistakes will always happen,
Second chances come all the time,
Just take a look at me,
And take a look at mine.

Life will go on through anything,
So don't give up on today,
You never know what's around the corner,
Something better will come your way.

You may spend nights awake,
And tears will come and go,
You may feel all alone,
But remember what you know.

Life will go on through anything,
So don't give up on today,
You never know what's around the corner,
Something better will come your way.

Take a deep breath in,
Let a deep breath out,
Calm yourself down,
No need to shout.

Don't shake anymore,
Just breathe normally,
I promise you,
That's all you need.

It will be better,
Just you wait and see,
All you can do,
Is wait and breathe.

Take a deep breath in,
Let a deep breath out,
Breathing is what,
It's all about.

Will I fit?
Or will I stand out in this world made for perfects and filled with not good enoughs.
Will they jeer, and judge, and take this time to make themselves feel better?
I am who you think I should be,
Yet I am me,
And I still think I should
Ignore my pains, and wonderings of
Will I fit?

I never realised he meant as much to her as she did to him.
That someone would die because there is nothing to live for,
Or live until there is something to die for.
Left alone, we search for companionship,
But will reject it if we have been hurt.
Only someone who can touch your heart can break your walls and love you.
There is shallow love, love you can see
Deep love, and hidden love.
Bring hidden love to light, but only if it is deep.
Storms will come and go,
Instead of watching them, dance in the rain.
Believe in yourself, because only you live behind the walls you use to keep others out.
Love yourself, because it's the one person you will live with all your life.
A touch can light a spark.
Tell them. Never let it go too long without telling them.
Count your blessings, not your regrets.
Laugh.
Smile. :)

I spend my life as we all seem to do,
Waiting for it to decide,
Counting my blessings, and watching for people,
With too many secrets to hide.

Hidden in lies, shrouded in mystery,
The secrets they will never yield,
It would be disastrous, events would come crashing,
If those secrets were to be revealed.

So I count the days as they go by,
Watching the hummingbird fly,
Staring at waves as they're rolling,
Seeing young hearts being stolen,
Looking for sombody,
Just happy to be alive.

There's a great many things, to see in this world,
A great many thoughts to be had,
A whole lot of reasons to sit on your own,
And people who will make you sad.

Find the people who brighten your day,
And go a little insane,
Lookout for love, be wary of heartbreak,
And learn to dance in the rain.

So I count the days as they go by,
Watching the hummingbird fly,
Staring at waves as they're rolling,
Seeing young hearts being stolen,
Looking for somebody,
Just happy to be alive.

I would one day love to look,
In the reflection of the water,
And know that the person looking up at me,
Is in love.

That my heart will race,
My pulse will pound,
My thoughts will be consumed
By them.

I will get a feeling of fondness,
Whenever they cross my mind,
And the bond we will share,
Is strong.

But that is only what I have been told,
Nothing of what I know,
Because I am not quite sure what love is,
I'm not.

I'd ask someone to tell me,
But what if they don't really know?
What some people believe is love,
Is not.

So I guess I'll wait until I'm sure,
Who knows how long it will be,
I'll stay on my toes and wait,
I'll wait.

For love.

For all the times we almost peed ourselves laughing,
For all the times we talked too loud,
For all the times we sat in silence,
And left each other alone.

For all the times we talked of ***** things,
For all the times we gave advice,
For all the times we took advantage,
Of the other being nice.

You’re my sibling, not of blood,
But of soul and heart and mind,
So happy birthday to you friend,
Have one hell of a good time.

Standing up again, and standing up tall,
After staying down too long, after a fall.

Smiling, and going out to face the day,
After staying in, crying the night away.

Returning words that hurt you deep,
With kindness, as you start to weep.

Bitting you lip until it bleeds,
And going with where life leads,
Or telling it which is your direction,
Stated as fact, not said as a question.

It's hard to make the right decision,
Whatever it may be,
It's hard to make the right decision,
Especially when you're me.

There's all these things that you should do,
And all the things you can't,
There's all these things you shouldn't do,
And all the things you shan't.

Deciding is a difficult thing,
The choices must be right,
Otherwise the consequences,
Demonstrate their might.

But sometimes what you want or need,
Can just be close at hand,
The decision may seem hard at first,
But is worth it in the end.

A puzzle is just a bunch of pieces
That seem to be parts that are broken
But really, they make up something bigger and better
Than whatever they are on their own.

♥ For all the heartbroken people today, pieces of the heart seem broken, but make love

My sanctuary,
My second home,
My lair, is
my basement.

It's where I do my homework,
Where I social network,
Where I hang out with my friends,
Where I listen to music.

I went into my basement when I had my first heartache,
With my face in my hands blinking back tears.
I turned on one of my favourite songs,
And collapsed on the bed crying.

I sit in my basement when I want an escape,
Whether it's playing video games,
Instant messaging friends,
Or crying as I sink into my favourite song.

A basement, I guess,
Is really only an underground room or two,
But to me,
It has become so much more.

A smile for what?
A smile for whom?
There is no reason to smile,
When your life is in ruins.

A smile for happiness.
A smile for them.
There is reason to smile,
When your world stands again.

I am a fickle hearted Aquarius,
Who is as crazy as she is certain she has more than a thousand freckles.

My eyes are a confused mess of colours,
Which is the opposite of my brain.

I have strong, yet gentle hands,
That aren't quite as nimble as my feet.

When I speak, there is something thick in my voice,
That shows all the more when I sing.

Brown, but with natural golden streaks and a hint of red,
Is the colour of the flowing hair on my head.

I am who you think I should be,
Yet I am who I am, as well.

I loved to write. Poems, stories, songs, anything. It was so relaxing, and it just let me empty myself of all the confusing feelings. Just what I needed right now. I set the tip of my pencil on the paper, and the words flew into my mind. They flowed and worked themselves into the perfect sentences. They were wonderful, gushing onto the paper in a series of poetic lines. This was what I lived for. A poet’s rush, was what I called it. When words work amazingly and you feel refreshed and revived and so much better than when you started writing. Like that rush of sweet air after diving under water. The life sustaining oxygen that pushes its way into your lungs and makes you close your eyes as you savour the lovely feeling of breath. This was what poetry was to me.

A slowly spiraling turmoil,
Of anxiety and fear,
When you fall into a bad dream,
And darkness draws near.

The people you thought you knew,
Sneer and change their ways,
They critisize and scrutinize
With everything they say.

It's tough to live in a nightmare,
You must be brave and bold,
As everything grows frightening,
And friendships grow old.

But that's the way of things,
And bad dreams come and go,
You have to open your eyes,
To see that things aren't so.

How I love to sleep,
How I love to dream,
How I love to rest,
In a starlit stream.

As my eyelids close,
As my hot breath slows,
As my covers' warmth,
Seeps into my toes.

The sun is falling,
The day is fading,
The curtains are drawn,
As they are shading.

Me.
From everything.
In the outside world.
And I sink.
Into sleep.

We all have our own personal places,
Whether you call them
Sanctuaries
Homes
Or shelters,
We all have somewhere (or some places) to be ourselves.

We all have a mind,
That central nervous system that runs our bodies,
But yet is so much more.

When we think,
There's that little voice inside your head,
That talks to you,
Listens to you,
And is there for you.

We are our own best friends,
In a way.

Or maybe
It's that little voice inside our heads
Who we tag as "thinking"
That is our best friend.