They say it's a momentary crisis
But I've been having this crisis every moment in the day
I miss him
I miss having someone to talk to
Do you know what it feels like to run at seventy-five percent speed
All the time?
He ran with me at full speed
Supported me when I fell
Supported me when I flew
And held my hand when I needed a friend
He listened to my interests with gleaming eyes
He put down all his walls
Just so that he could be closer to me
He showed me everything that was important to him
He let me go when I needed it
He caught me when I needed it
He is on my mind in those lonely moments
He is in my dreams when I least expect it
I love him somehow even though I don't know him anymore

I'm eating something toxic
And if I stop I think I'll die
But if I don't I will be sick forevermore
How do you stop the only thing that's keeping you going
When it's one of the things that's keeping you down?
How do you give up your lifeline
When it's also the chain that keeps you locked up?
How do you fix the problem
When it's the solution?
How do you solve isolation
When it's the people around you that make you feel lonely?
How do you move forward
When you're always taking two steps back?
How do you chase your dreams
When they turn into nightmares whenever you try?
How do you go and talk to someone
When the very thought makes your heart seize up?
How do you look life in the eye and say "***** you"
When it just screws you right back?
How do you sleep
When you're always sad?
I'm eating something toxic
And if I stop I think I'll die
But if I don't I will be sick forevermore

There's the kind of pain
That's sharp and acute
And the kind that throbs
And the kind that aches
And the kind that burns
And the kind that's like a blow to your soul
Many things can cause this pain
There's the physical damage that something can do to you
There's the emotional distress that the world can cause
And there's the overwhelming,
Shred yourself to bits,
Heart wrenching
PAIN
That you can cause yourself.
And it's not even your fault
You would gladly love yourself
And care for yourself
And smile with actual feeling behind it
But you can't.
It's not your fault
That the voice in your head tells you
You're not worth it
You're not enough
Nobody cares about you
Nothing would change if you were gone
It manifests itself in your heart
Pushing and pulling
In the trembling of your body
In the tears streaming down your face
In the scratches your nails leave on your skin
In the ache from pulling your hair
In the throbbing in your head
In the pain in your jaw from clenched teeth
And in the sharp jagged pieces
From where you fell apart.
It's hard to push it down when you have to
And hard to bring it up to anyone
But god I want to feel again
And not just pain and sadness and loneliness and distress and desperation
I want the excitement of another's gaze
The full throated laugh when you're with friends
The pride in your own accomplishment
The soft caress of sunlight on my face
The love of someone's attention.
I sleep too much
I walk too slow
I cry much more
Than you'll ever know
Because life hurts.

Do you ever feel like you just need to get away?
That the daily ins and outs of life
Are getting too boring
Too repetitive
Too familiar
And you need something new in your life
Something exciting
Exhilarating
Unknown
Like you want to go on an adventure
See the sun rise in the morning
Bursting from the horizon in a brilliant stream of colour
Orange and red and pink and purple
And rising steadily until it is high enough in the sky
To be a white ball looking down on you
See the waves on a distant shore
Crashing against the earth in a never-ending battle
White foam topping their crests like crowns
Beating steadily, in a rhythm that is calming
The vast ocean spreading out before you
See a new city
Hear a different language spoken too fast for you to catch
Watch people bustle past carrying on their lives
Admire the culture and style and food of somewhere unfamiliar
Visit museums and galleries
Let your mouth gape at the sights
See rolling green hills
Rising and falling from the ground like waves
Grass swaying in a gentle breeze
Unbroken as far as the eye can see
The green so pure you could almost say it isn't real
See small villages
Full of people who love each other
And rely on each other
A community that shows you what it is to be human
What it is to be intimate and caring
See towering mountains
White capped and majestic
With peaks too high for you to see
That seem to touch the sky, pierce the clouds
And yet keep growing from the earth
See flowing rivers
Ploughing through the terrain
A steady stream of water that won't be stopped
Or babbling brooks
Dancing their way down a pile of rocks
Tickling the ground as they gently make their way to something greater
See history
Old buildings with vines snaking up their sides
Ruins that are crumbling but not gone
Structures that were a whole belief system once
Memorials to remember those who have been lost
And sites of important events
I want to get out and see the world
Get out of this bubble
This cage
This small, locked room
It almost feels as if I'm suffocating
And I need that breath of fresh air
That new thrill
That adventure.

I don't know where I'm going
I think at one point I did
But it's not really clear anymore
I don't have the same things as before
I don't think I'm in the same place
I can't do the same things
I don't know the same people
Even myself
I'm not really sure what I want
But I think I'm supposed to know
Or at least decide soon
I don't want to do this though
Where am I supposed to go?
How am I supposed to get there?
A voice in the wind
A message in the stars
A feeling in my heart
That's not enough
I'm not enough
I feel like I'm losing my balance
Falling over and over again
But not really going anywhere
I don't really know if I want to go anywhere
I'm a mess
I'm hurting
I'm lost.

I don't want to fight it.
Joy pops in just to give you perspective
When sorrow rears its ugly head again.
Loneliness is being alone
And the absence of people
And the absence of love
And the absence of purpose
And the absence of hope
It is empty.
Loneliness will keep you company
Which is as ironic as it gets.
It holds you almost as tight as sadness does
And it's hard to fight against their grip
It's tiring
It's difficult
It's not worth it.
It hurts, it takes, it is relentless.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I don't want to force a smile
I don't want to convince myself to get out of bed
I don't want to struggle to go outside
I don't want to fight it anymore.
"Just breathe" isn't good enough
"It'll get better" won't do it
"Be strong" doesn't help.
Crying is cathartic
But also addictive.
Nobody knows how to ask for help
And even if they do
It's hard
To admit that you are so far gone
To the people that you care about.
And what would help?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I'm battle-worn
Bruised
Fatigued
Scarred
Bleeding
Trembling
Moaning in pain
Baring my soul for all to see but hiding it behind my heart.
It's hard to see through tears
It's hard to speak with a throat so closed
It's hard to walk when you don't want to go
It's hard to stay when you feel suffocated
How do you stop when you're so far in?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
What does a beating heart mean?
That you are alive?
That you feel?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
Nights are the hardest,
Not because it's dark
But because the world slows down
It doesn't bring you places
Or bring people to you
It tells you to rest
But that is when the demons creep in
Whispering
Telling you that you're not good enough
Telling you what's wrong with you
Playing on your heart
Tearing it apart
Playing with your thoughts
Tugging them this way and that.
Rocking back and forth
Pulling at your hair
Biting your fingers
Anything to distract from the pain in your chest
I don't want to fight it.

I'm tired of sitting on a bench alone
Shivering in the cold
Reading a book but being distracted by people walking by.
I'm tired of hoping I won't be late
Setting alarms to ensure I leave
Walking so fast the cold air makes my lungs hurt.
I'm tired of having him on my mind
Wanting him near me
Loving him with all my heart so there is none left for myself.
I'm tired of feeling pressured
Panicking if I don't get something right
Hoping I don't disappoint those around me.
I'm tired of keeping up appearances
Trying to see people
Forcing myself to go out and be myself.
I'm tired of sleepless nights
Tossing and turning
Watching the shadows turn as morning comes.
I'm tired of making lists
Checking things off
Having to do it to make myself feel like something is under control.
I'm tired of crying in the shower
Making it as hot as I can stand
Using the running water to conceal my tears.
I'm tired of not being good enough
Being told I just wasn't right
Seeing everyone around me succeed.
I'm tired of being here
Knowing that I can't ever take a break
Hoping that soon it will look up.