Walking down the avenue,
admiring how my cigarette smoke
mingles with the snow.
Gentle wisps rising,
quiet kisses falling,
but they meet midair
to dance.
I could watch this silent beauty
for days, until

a wrinkled old man closing up shop
scowls at me.
"Those things will **** you, lady."

I pause.
Shocked at the sound.

"That's the plan," I mumble,
and clumsily stride away.

The snow keeps falling
but nothing sticks.

I want to ruffle my hands through your hair.

I want to feel your chest warm against mine.

and close
my eyes

And forget the earth beneath my feet
and just for a moment

believe

that all I'm really connected to is you.

When you face eternal Nothingness
There is nothing left to say

Once I walked the Dawn
But dawn goes down to day

Like the Buddhists and the Daoists
Solitude is my Way

Keep on trying, Ponyboy!
Though nothing gold can stay.

with a clatter and crash
the q-tips fall to the floor
her broken skin a pale ash
white, clammy and cold
contrasting the metallic hue
of her blood spilling down her arm
saying dearly i’ll miss you
i can’t go on like this

a beautiful diabetic girl
with so much to live for
a diamond in the rough, a pearl
among the splinters
feeling one-thousand percent alone
and done with being herself
ripping her heart to pieces shown
to absolutely no one

little does she realize
she has a cloud of support
to fall back on, her eyes
deceive her looking in the mirror
stumbling blindly around a vast
and empty ocean trying to float
every moment is her last
suspended in a single second
and her rope could twist and break
and she would be gone in a snap
when each day is a constant give-and-take
of her emotions and i
wasn’t around

you fell and i
wasn’t there
to hear it

i lived in your house
you were not my friend
you were my sister
and i didn’t know
the way you cried
the blood you shed
the thoughts that plague your head
and trouble your mind
and you trouble mine

and i’m sorry i didn’t see
we may have grown apart physically
you are and always will be
in my heart and in my soul
i’m sorry i wasn’t always there
but now i am i promise

you mean so much to me
and your ocean’s not empty
it’s filled with creatures of the sea
and the coral and the tide
an amazing unexplored wonder
20,000 leagues under

you can scratch the surface
but you’ll never destroy the beauty
underneath

the duckling was never ugly or wrong
it had forever been a swan
its agile grace a quiet blessing
saved until the unfit traits
were finally abandoned

you will shed away your tortured skin
and leave behind your mortal coils
you will mend up your ruptured heart
and heal to somewhere over the rainbow

with the burning passion
of a thousand bright suns
it’s okay to hate yourself
so long as you don’t let the light
grow cold or fade out
someday you will shine bright
your scars show you’ve
valiantly battled
the demons under your skin
so don’t forget to fight

mama said there’ll be days like this
and each day can be torture
but someday you will recover
so stay golden, ponyboy
brush the dust off
and glow

i remember the first time we really clicked, you know.
back in seventh grade, a lifetime ago.
part of me says i was sitting on a bed, and you on the floor.
but it might've been the other way around.
i feel like we talked about the sky. but maybe it was the moon?
it doesn't matter, we thought it was deep, something special.
something only the two of us understood.
[i think we were just suffering from exhaustion.
it was awfully early by then.
or awfully late.]

that year was my worst.
yours, too.
seventh grade never treats anyone well.
we stayed friends, carried 'our' notebook to and from class.
took it home on alternating weekends, to stay caught up.
this was back when no one had texting.
we made it through, in one piece.
[our hearts may have been in pieces, however.]

eighth grade rolled around. we shared one class, french 1.
i paid too much attention to you and our lives,
not nearly enough on the class. i scraped by with a b.
[i knew french was only to be admired.
you told me french was mine if i wanted it.]

we were inseperable or distant in high school, due to so many things.
your boyfriend[s]. my catastrophes.
i lived my days defending you,
and my nights crying because of you.
i never felt good enough in your eyes.

eventually, i changed.
you changed too, but you just got older.
i matured. i grew stronger.
i stopped taking **** from people.
yes, even you.

but we're at a point where we can be friends.
or friendly, if you prefer.
but also not acknowledge each other in the hall.

your tattoo, it reads, "stay gold, ponyboy."
and when i saw it, i cried.
i cried for every time we watched that together.
every time we won't see it together.
you were a good friend to me, even with your faults.
you forced me to grow and change or die trying.
and i can't thank you enough.

[your sarakan loves you, loved you.]
i do miss you, but i can't handle having you back.
stay gold, beautiful meadow.
you better stay ******* gold.

****(s)
****(ed)
****(ing)

everyone
everyone
everyone

can not count
on fingers and toes
how many bodies
have claimed me

I made love once
I made love twice
the two golden boys
stay golden, ponyboy

becoming less human
and more calloused
every single day
whatever.

The beauty of that deer
Episcopal church, no fear

Sleeping in the grass
Celtic Cross I pass

Tears to wipe away
Nothing gold can stay

My My, Hey Hey

I keep wishing
For sacred mystery

I keep finding
The terror of history

Tick Tock
My life fades away

Silent fears
As I pray

Nothing Gold Can Stay