i am
one
       hundred
                      percent
better than you

i do not feel sorry
in any way

when you were given
-what i tried
so hard for-
without any effort

makes me want
the gun
             to go
                     off

the tendencies creep back
like the sun at dawn-
truly numb and
passive to their cries
they fall to the cold floor
limp and dull and quiet
leaking from new orifices
and taking their light with them
while my head spins
a complicated tapestry
on a broken loom
red string
angry and burning
screaming with no end
in the dark while i
cling to fleeting feelings
and clean
the remnents of theirs
with a snap i'm sent tumbling
struggling
can't find
air water food shelter
my head pounds
my eyes ablaze
and skin tight across
my eyes and temples
when the light hits
it's over and i
awake-
numb

i ripped at my chest
nails scraping bone and muscle
picking out bundles of fat
to reach my heart

i plated it with steel
a coat of armor and arms
to prevent them from stretching
and breaking it themselves

i ripped at my scalp
drilling into my skull past fluids
and pulling out hair
to reach my mind

i shook it out and wrung it dry
before crushing it in my hands
to prevent them from whispering
and getting to me again

a horrible sinking feeling
collapsing and compressing down on me
taking away the precious air from my lungs
and from the atmosphere around me

water seeps from my eyes
ears and eyes burning from the pressure
of the sea i'm too tired to tread
and disappearing below

i jumped in to drown them
tempting the universe to smite me
and take the voices away with it
but they are the demons inside of me

they know how to swim

traverse the divide
envelope me in your arms
i crave your touch
to understand every
fold of your hands
and memorize the way
our bodies tesselate

poison me with
your smell, intoxicating
me to the abyss
i'm afraid to fall in
without you here

you
give me shivers
rolling down my spine
vertebrae to vertebrae
disconnecting what i thought i knew
about myself
from reality

you
make me think it's okay
to have a foot
on either side of the fence
even if it's worth risking
eternal damnation in hell
for fleeting happiness
on earth

you
are an adhesive enigma
to the pillar of memories
the terrible and wonderful
i'll never leave behind
even if i
want to

you
found me during
the worst points in my life
always managing to text
right when i think of you
and when i
am alone

you
untouched by my society
a gift from above
sent from my guardian angel
an amalgam
it's hard to believe if you
are real

i
am a failure.
an inconsistent outline
paper thin and withering

and she
she knows sadness
the way i know
every line from
romeo and juliet
the way i stutter
when i speak honestly

she knows depression
like  a white blank page
and no inspiration
for an artist
like a canon ball  shot
over an empty sea

i
am a failure
her cuts as deep
as the chasms beneath
what we know of the ocean
mine as shallow
as the things i think
and know of

i want to feel
the hatred
she feels when
she meets her own gaze
i want to be able
to destroy myself
with a single thought

the way i supposed
i could
but i
am a failure