I miss writing and I miss photography but my insides are so ******* sad I can't breathe properly anymore. I have lost the love that made me able to do the things I was good at, I don't believe in it anymore so everything and everyone has stopped believing in me too.
I used to drink 3 cups of coffee every morning before school and my hands would shake and I would research space and go on long rants about it to everybody even though nobody cared but it didn't matter because I thought it was beautiful anyways
I was innocent and 14 years old and desperate for somebody to love me and I created beautiful things and beautiful art. I absorbed everything. I learned so much on my own. I was resilient.
Me and my manager were joking around and I went to say the word "chauffeur". I messed up and pronounced it 2 different ways, I asked him which one was correct. When he replied he jokingly asked if I could spell it, expecting me not to be able to. I did. He laughed and said "you know how to spell it but not how to say it?" I wanted to say I am used to knowing words but I am not used to being allowed to speak. I am used to knowing how to be quiet when people ask me to. I am used to knowing how to always be silent because I know somebody is eventually going to ask me to.
I am 18 years old and I don't know how to hug people. I do not believe in love so I do not need someone to love me. I do not create things or make art. The only things I absorb anymore are things that make me sad and they stay in me and I don't know how to get them out. I learn everyday how to be more quiet than the day before. I do not know how to write beautifully anymore and nothing inspires me. I do not bounceback after bad things happen to me anymore, I just find new ways to suppress them.
I don't know if any of this makes sense I know it just seems like random scenes juxtaposed together.
What my point is, what I'm trying to say is, don't lose your love. Don't lose your passion, your innocence, your ability to see the beauty in things. You will feel the ache every day, it is not something you can willfully, blissfully, ignore. It demands to be felt and the feelings that are gone will probably never come back to you.
Do not lose your love. Please, promise me. Do not lose your love.