I hate love songs.
It's just a sappy little tune of someone else's expectations.
I expect certain things for my life
But they'll never be what is written in a song
Love songs are like movies.
People write songs and movies about people living happily after ever.
Well that's completely false.
Because no one lives happily ever after.
We watch these movies and listen to these songs and build up our own expectations
Only to be let down when we realize that this is reality
We think "Oh I want a love like that."
When really, there's no such thing as true love.
Right?
I don't know.
That's kinda how I think of it.
Love songs ****.
Because we latch onto what that person is saying, hoping we're gonna find that someday
But look at how hopeless we are
I'm so hopeless
I don't know what to think about love
There's so many degrees of love
Finding that true person who just happens to know everything about you
And likes it.
And you like all those things about them
But why?
Everybody's all like "love is such an amazing thing."
Like there's no faults in it
Like people don't cheat on each other
And people don't break up with each other for no reason
Like there's no back-stabbing
Like it doesn't ever fall apart because you have the glue to hold it together
But what's the point of love when there's so many faults that come with it
Let's face it
Everybody throws the word "love" around like it's a baseball
"I love you" "I love you too"
Bull.
Because then it ends and it's like "Oh but I thought you were in love?"
I wonder if love lasts forever.
I mean nothing lasts forever
I wonder if you can stay in love with the same person forever
I mean how's that possible?
Don't you get sick of looking at that person?
Don't you ever feel like being with someone else
I don't know. Maybe I'm saying this because I've never experienced love
With anyone special
Just meaningless relationships
From my youth that I knew would never last
Then what was the point of being with that person
Fun?
It ***** to have a hopeless crush that you know will never happen
But maybe it never happens because you DON'T believe
I don't know.
People should find that one person
Everybody has a God given right to find love
They need to find it the right way
People have one night stands with random strangers
How can you honestly make love to someone and feel something called "love" to someone you just met?
Like how?
You shouldn't give yourself to someone you don't know
In my opinion, you shouldn't give yourself to anyone unless you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that person
And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Christian
I wasn't planning on giving myself to anyone before I was married, before I found God
Sure, that's a part of it
Because *** before marriage is a sin
But I didn't have an expectation of having *** with anyone before I was married
And the only way to know if you'll spend, "forever", "eternity"
With that person is not when you put the engagement ring on
But the wedding ring
Because an engagement ring means nothing
It's just an announcement that you're planning on a future
It's nothing set in stone
People might say, "Yeah but you can always get divorced."
When I get married, that's not an option.
Because why would I throw something away that I know can hopefully be fixed?
People might say, "How can I not have *** in this relationship?"
It's easy.
Don't.
Love is so fake.
And yet, so real.
I have love songs
But listen to them all the time because I build up that expectation
But let's face it
We don't always get the fairytale we want
I hate love songs for one reason
You expect so much in your future
You're waiting for that prince to come save you
But come on.
That's fake.
I hate love songs.
I hate love movies.
I hate love.

You wanna know the saddest thing?
Even though I'm trying my hardest to get over her and I don't love her but deep down, I do, I still would do anything for her.
If she asked me to jump off a bridge with her, I'd take her hand and fall into the chilling mayhem.
I wear a purity ring and I'm very strict about ****** relations.
But if she wanted to go all the way with me right then and there, I'd strip her of her clothes in 30 seconds.
Because I'm just that vulnerable.
If she was in a burning building, I would run in there and not even think about it.
I don't wanna go far for college and the rest of my life because I get homesick and I have everything here, like my church and my family and my friends.
But if she wanted me to run away with her, I'd get in that car and never look back.

She's my gasoline and I am her fire. Put us both together
and we can make love brighter.
I'm her Superman
and she's my kryptonite
because the feeling
is just way too hard to fight.

I don't know what more had to happen to push me over the edge
I was at the carnival and I had this vibe, this feeling
I thought I would see J
And low and behold, I did
It was really nice to see her and talk to her
I haven't seen her since May
Okay, this is the part where I get sarcastic
It was really nice to her......
With her boyfriend........
Holding hands........
And having their arms around each other
I don't know what hurt more:
Seeing her with him
Or knowing that she would never feel the same
She introduced me to him and I acted cool like I didn't care, even though it was really bothering me
I faked a really good smile
It hurt, but I got through
The best part was when she left, even though I hate to see her go
I didn't have to deal with guilt
I thought I'd be sick
I tried drinking something, but that made my stomach feel worse
Anyway, she waved and said bye to me
It was nice
She hadn't forgotten about me

"I'd sell my soul just to see your face
And I'd break my bones just to heal your pain
In these times, I need a saving grace
Time is running out and I'm starting to lose faith."

These lyrics by Florida Georgia Line stand out to me.
I would do anything for this girl I like.
I've been in love with her for a year.
But sometimes, I think she's mad at me
When most of the time, it's me overreacting
Everything is fine
I try to tell myself that
I bleed out my heart for her
This puts me at my lowest point to know she could potentially be mad at me
It kills every nerve inside of me
I feel like she isn't paying attention to me
And the worst part of liking someone
Is pretending to be okay when they don't pay attention to you
I post really good testimonies sometimes and most of the time, she likes them
But lately, I feel like it's been dead
And so has our relationship
But just the other day, she liked something of mine
So am I just an overreacter?
I want us to be together more than anything
Anything.
ANYTHING.
In the beginning, it seemed so right
Because we had a lot of things in common
We are both Christians
We worship Jesus
We both love country music
There is only one thing:
She is the same gender as me
And there's no way she would date a girl
Which is normal
I know a lot of people like that
That makes her human
I haven't hidden the fact that I'm gay to a lot of people
But there is one secret I have hidden
I'm about to let it out
Because I'm at my lowest point
And I'm extremely vulnerable
When I graduate high school
I want to get gender re-assignment surgery
Not for her
Well I guess you could say that's a tiny part of it
I've always liked girls since I was in like first grade
Had no idea there was a name for it
I have a fear though
My church is such a big part of my life and who I am
I'm scared to death that they won't want me to or let me serve if I change
It scares me to the point where I make myself sick
And yeah I feel like a hypocrite
Because I teach kids every single week
That they should be who God created them to be
And yet I can't even do that
But I love what I do at church
If I didn't care about it, I wouldn't, excuse my language, make such a **** effort to go
If I couldn't serve, I don't know what I'd do
I don't care if people judge me
This is my life
Let me live it
This girl knows about it
Actually, most of my friends know about it
Sometimes I think I made a mistake doing that
Because that is just another way for her to think I like her
I don't want that.
I try not to hang around her too much
Don't want to make it obvious
She has gotten me through a lot of stuff
Honestly.
I told her and she said she'd support me
Although, it was awkward
Like she doesn't agree with it
I get this feeling all the time that she knows about me liking her
And just the mere thought of her being with someone else sickens me
I can make myself feel like I just spun around in a chair fifty times by thinking about it.
It kills.
What am I supposed to do?!
It's not like I can ask her if she's mad because she's probably not and that just makes me seem like a worried idiot
That makes me seem like I really care what people think about me
When I don't
I am my own self
Not perfect
But who is?
God, send me a sign that things are okay.
Please.
Because I really need it
And when it gets like this, I think back to suicide
I don't know
Do I really want to go that far?
After I've come this far?
I am an overcomer
I want to defeat this
And when I'm a guy someday
I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been
With or without her in my arms
But I prefer that she would be



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Heart stops.
I look at you.
I begin to think,
"Can this really be happening?"
"Am I falling for you?"
"Or is this just another crush that will pass when I latch onto someone else?"
"Could this happen?"
I pray.
I pray it will.
We hated each other at first.
Then in a parallel universe, we became friends.
I'm starting to think that it is a possibility.
But I'm not diving right into that. Because come on, let's face it:
My heart has been broken more times than Lindsay Lohan has been in legal trouble.
I listen to that song that makes me think of you: Last First Kiss-One Direction.
I'd be okay if you and me were each other's last first kiss.
I could see myself marrying you.
The chances of this are higher than any other feelings my heart has felt towards another person.
There's a song by Daughtry called "Start of Something Good" and it kinda sums up a lot.
He writes, "You never know when you're gonna meet someone and your whole wide world in a moment comes undone.
I know that it's gonna take some time.
I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind.
This might end up like it should.
I'm gonna say what I need to say and hope to God that it don't scare you away.
I don't wanna be misunderstood.
And Im starting to believe that this could be the start of something good."
I'm a true believer of "Everything happens for a reason."
I believe that God brings certain people into our lives for certain reasons and sometimes, He makes them exit our life.
It really depends.
You're either a blessing or a lesson.
I'm hoping you're in my life for something good, whether we are a couple or just friends.
Im praying that one day, you'll see me for who I really am and decide to give it a shot.
I know you're a really understanding person who I just so happen to find attractive.
I'm not asking for much.
Just for you to take into consideration of a possibility of us someday maybe being together.
I'm asking, despite the fact that I've liked a million different people in my life.
Somehow, this is different.
You're different.
And in all honesty, this really is.
There's circumstances and things I didn't get from others that I have gotten from you.
I'm not gonna get into detail, but let's say that you accept me for who I am and am going to be.
I like that about you.
Not judgmental.
You give me hope that everything will be okay and that this could happen.
I haven't gotten to the point where I'm in love with you and I think you're perfect and I think about you every second of the day.
But give it time.
Because it's bound to happen.
Just like the others.
Why should this time be any different than the others?
Well it is.
In a way.
Theres a saying that goes, "You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
I hope that happens for me someday.
I do get scared, though.
Because I don't wanna get close to you and then fall and have my heart broken.
But at the same time, I don't wanna not be near to you.
****.
So many choices.
I get scared that one day, I'll say something stupid and suddenly, you'll be out of my hands.
Or the fact that I like you slips out and all hell breaks loose.
But I dont know if this feeling will stay.
I mean I imagine it will.
But I don't know.
Well, whatever it turns into, let's just hope that you don't walk off with my self control like the others did.
Because you've already walked off with my heart.
You've won me over that far.
I usually write songs about the people I like or am starting to like.
But I guess I don't need a love song to signify that fact that I could potentially be falling for you.
I dont wanna fall deep into this.
I spent a year being in love with someone, spending every second wishing and hoping and praying that someday, I would get MY chance with them.
But that day never came, nor will it ever.
Because I had to come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't be together, no matter what I did or how hard I tried.
But alas, this is different.
It's kinda funny, this whole thing.
Because a year ago, even 2 months ago, if someone said I'd start to like you, I'd be thinking four things:
1. "WHAT?"
2. "Well, that's awkward."
3. "But we hated each other in the beginning."
4. "Eh, I guess I'm not surprised. It was bound to happen eventually."
The thing that really does get me is that we did not like each other in the beginning.
It's funny how you can go from utterly despising someone to starting to fall for their perfect self.
Wait, I said I didn't think you were perfect.
Eh, ***** it.
I'll start to think it one day.
Might as well start now.
I guess my heart will never learn.
I hate falling in love because I always know what the outcome will be, yet I fall anyway.
It starts off: "Oh I can get them to like me one day. You'll see."
Until it gets to that fateful and dreadful moment where hateful feelings are spewing out of me and Im cursing into the wind, thinking, "Why the hell couldnt this one have worked out?"
Is there anybody out there?
For me?
It's kinda cute, yet undenyingly unpleasant how someone can take a piece of your heart just by simply being themselves.
People can call me crazy.
Go ahead.
But I'm no different than any other teenager who has discovered that they can like the mutual weirdness and qualities and characteristics of another human being.
Am I right?
Of course, I'm not the first person to ever feel this way.
Everybody in their lifetime meets someone and falls in love with them.
Sometimes they get what they want.
And sometimes, it just isn't what God had planned for us.
Well, I'm hoping God can spare me just this once.
Because I need someone in my life.
And it's okay with me for you to be my significant other someday if it's okay with you.
So please, start thinking about where we will live and what our kids names will be.
Because, baby, I know I will be.

I've never been so sure in my life
I was sitting on my bed
First of all, I'd like to point out
That on Facebook, you can star your friends
And get emails when they update their status
So I do that for my friends
Anyway, I was going through my inbox
And a certain email caught my eye
All I saw was, "J...... is in a relationship"
And my heart dropped
I got that nervous feeling you get
When you're afraid to do something
My mouth was almost on the floor
I wanted to cry
I thought I was gonna be sick
And it's ridiculous because I know I have no shot
But I still care
It's that feeling you get
When the ex you still love gets in a relationship
And I feel like Christians are more successful in relationships
Everytime I see her, I'm going to get that sick feeling
And she still doesn't know
Because now,
It's so hard not to say
I don't wanna risk losing her like I did with M
That was a train track to hell
Just another accident waiting to happen
And it totally ***** because she promised me that we'd hang one day
But the chances of that going to happen have just been lowered
Because she's going to want to see him
I don't know the guy personally
But he went to the same school as J
She told me she liked him
When she went to prom with him
I was just hoping he wouldn't like her back
I know it's selfish
But I just want it to end
It's hard watching that
I guess you could say I saw it coming
But I just prayed it wouldn't happen
I don't wanna lose her
I knew they were gonna date
They're best friends
And that's what hurts the most
She's such a perfect person
And judge me if you want,
But I don't care
She has all of the qualities of a best friend
She's nice
She's sweet
She's reliable
Perfect
And I may be crazy,
But I just don't care
People can say what I want
But she's not like M
M was just different
A different person to me
Somebody that I used to know
I wrote this around 5:30 a.m.
That shows you how much sleep I've lost
I got around 5 hours
That *****
Everytime I think about it,
My stomach just gets queasy
It's so selfish of me to want them to break up
but I just don't know
Doesn't that make any normal person who is having their heart broken?
Don't I have a right to wish that?
Doesn't that make me human?
It's just what I want
J is different from all the others I've liked
The others really didn't care about me
She has gotten me through some stuff
She actually cares
We talk like best friends sometimes
I remember when she was picking out dresses for prom
And there was no one more excited to show me her dress than she was
And I just to tell her so bad
And you have no idea how much it hurts not to tell
But **** it, it is
I just don't want her to judge me like the others did
All I do is pray
I mean, isn't that all I can do?
I guess my eyes have really opened up
Right now, it's still just hard to take in
It's so hard to believe
But it's happening
I'm thinking about it so much that my eyes aren't even tired
Despite getting 5 hours of sleep
And I wish I could tell people are church (youth group)
But I'm afraid of judgment there
I guess that's a chance I gotta take
Most people there are friends with her
I'm not concerned with them telling her
As much as I am with them feeling uncomfortable about knowing
And not being able to tell her
All I know is this can't get back to her
It just can't
It'd be all over if it did
My mom would be like, "Be careful. I don't want another lawsuit." (That's a whole other story)
And I'd be like, "Nah it's okay. M's cool with it."
But look what happened with that
And I'm afraid that J won't know how to handle it
Just like M
And people say I obsess
This time, I don't think it's obsessing
I think it's true love this time
I really think I love J
But I can't let her know that
I don't wanna scare her away
God, if I had one shot,
It would make a difference
I could make her happy
I know I could
But I guess I just can't
I just can't stop thinking about it
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I'm scared to death right now
I guess that's the way my life was meant to be
It's always been that way
Fall for someone.
Get stabbed in the heart.
I've just been disillusioned
I thought I was safe
I thought I could make it happen
But that's me getting carried away
And it ***** that fate is an elegant, cold-hearted *****
And it doesn't matter how many times I go through this
It will always be J
Always and forever
My friends actually encouraged me to forget about everyone else
And focus on her
I did that
Sorta.
And I know I'm just some obnoxious kid
But I can be better than that
If I had a shot, I could show you
Just give me one chance
Please
God please
Maybe this is a punishment for everything I've done
I've been disillusioned and let down by so many people
If J and that guy get married,
I hope she doesn't invite me
Cause I'm not sure I'd be there to see it (If you catch my drift)
I can't live with hell
And again, I don't care what anyone says
It's my life
Let me live it the way I want to
Of course, this isn't the way I want my life to be,
But if I wanna fall for someone like this, I will
I just want to tell someone
Let it all spill out
It's just so devastating
I don't think I can ever be happy again
It's just like that
My whole world has come to an end
Right now, that guy has it all
He has it all in his hands
And I just can't stop thinking about how he's kissing her
And holding her hand
And has his arms around her
When all I'm thinking is, "That should be me."
Please don't turn into anything serious
She's gonna fall in love with him
I know it
And I'll be just another shadow in the crowd
J doesn't know it,
But she's everything to me
She's everything
And I'm sure along the line,
Some people will laugh at me
Some will feel sympathy
Some will say, "Get over it."
Some will say, "You never had a chance."
Some just won't care
Some will say, "Just move on."
God it's not that easy
You don't understand what I've been through
You don't know what it's like
You don't know how hard it is to just let it go that fast,
Especially with OCD
So until you've actually gone through it and understand it,
Don't tell me to move on
I've never had someone love me like that
Can someone just change their mind?
Please?
The sad thing is haven't actually cried yet
But eventually, my tears will build up inside of me
And I'll end up flooding myself
One chance is what I'm asking for
Is that too much to ask for?
Just one chance
I can prove everyone and everything wrong.
I guarantee I can
Please just trust me

She walked past me.
She initiated the "Good morning" with that sweet smile on her face.
That was it. I was gone.
My heart took off on a high speed chase.

He passed in '95, two years before I made my debut into the world. 64 years old. So **** young. Some kind of cancer, they said. I don't know I think it was prostrate. Even though he's gone and I never met him, I hear really good things about him. I wanna be a person my grandpa would be proud of. I want to know that he's up in heaven, smiling down on me, thinking, "I'm so **** proud." I really wish I had met him. Life's not fair, I guess. But what I would've done and would do to be able to see him face to face for the first time. I've heard the sound of his voice on tape. It's kinda cute, like a cartoon character. He kinda sounds a little like Bugs Bunny. Adorable. What I'd give to know him.

Aboard the boat
Above the blue
Across the sea
Along comes me and you
Among the waves
Around the corner
At sunset, you were what I was looking for
Before you give me your coat
Below the docks, whisper sincerely, "I love you."

I can't remember much
Not even anything
That fateful day, towers collapsed
And yet, we all lost something

A part of us, a memory
It was an awakening
Still that fateful day, I was only four
We still lost something

A father, a mother, a sister or brother
An aunt, an uncle, a grandfather, grandmother
A cousin, a best friend, even a true soulmate
Why'd they do what they did
That left us with that fate?

One day, I thought of something
I hadn't lost anyone I'd miss
But I did lose something inside of me
The fact that God exists

Why would he let them die
To make them suffer through the pain
To make families die inside
Please tell me, who is to blame?

Some were lucky, they didn't lose somebody
But 3,000 families did
But still, I thought to myself
There is a mighty King

There is a true God inside of us
Lots will be missed
Because who else made heaven and Earth
And everything that exists?

If there's a God that we all know
He protected us that very hour
He didn't let us be in New York
To be in a falling tower

He held onto us and told us inside
"Fear not for I am with you"
But we all still watched in despair
9/11 on the news

They heard something crash into the wall
When it fell, they gasped
For air to breathe, a hand to hold
I feel collapsed
And oh how time elapsed

I don’t really believe in aliens
Only the ones in my head
I don’t believe in monsters
Except the demons under my bed

I’m sick and tired of feeling feelings
That I know they’re not
I’m living in a horror movie going on in my head
That I just can’t turn off
I don’t know why I have obsessiveness
It doesn’t really make sense because it’s not like I deserve this
Or do I?

Sometimes I can just drown myself in sad songs
And not even feel a **** thing
Some days I hear a love song
And I’ll cry until I can’t breathe

I’m not writing this to try to get pity
I’m just asking why the hell does my mind
Keep playing on repeat?

This keeps happening to me
I begin to fall
And I’m trying my hardest
To convince myself it’s not my fault

Just thinking about,
I begin to shiver
“Almost over night, my world began to darken
And hope seemed to wither”

Back in middle school, after I said I was depressed,
They made me sign a piece of paper that said I wouldn’t **** myself
But a piece of paper is just a piece of paper
Doesn’t make a difference, can you tell?

Yes, I’ve made some stupid, pathetic decisions
In the past that weren’t so wise
I’m just trying to find the welcome mat into my life

I used to think talking to her was the best thing,
The greatest victory I’m focused on
But it’s been two years and she went away
I’m okay with that so I guess you could say I’ve moved on

All those stupid things I said
Can’t believe I had the nerve
And God ******, I’m sick and tired
Of acting on an urge

One of the reasons this came back to get me
Is because I judge
Despite the fact that I go to church
And they tell me not to hold a grudge

So Father, heal me.
Forgive me of my shameful sins
Just rid me of hatred and all those demons
And just finally let my life begin

What do you want me to say?
Do you want me to lie?
You would've found out either way
You said you need some time
Because everytime we talk, you'd feel weird
And I'm not trying to hurt you
Do you hear me here?

You won't love me, love me
Never ever
You won't love me, love me
We won't be together

You said you're sorry if I regret telling you this
And maybe it'd be possible to find someone who shares the same interest
So I can move on from you

You said I'm wasting my time on you
But sometimes, I feel it'd be easier to waste time than have to move on from you
That's how much I love you

You can keep this a secret
I assume that
You can talk to me whenever
I hope you know that

You can live
You can breathe
You can live
And you can breathe

You say it's not my fault
I shouldn't be ashamed
You can be uncomfortable
And I'll be the one to blame

You said I'm wasting my time on you
But I feel it'd be easier to waste time than have to move on from you
Please don't feel weird anymore
And like the Spill Canvas said
"Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted *****."

You gotta help me out
I think I bumped my head
My veins are turning black
And my lungs are auburn red
But maybe it's just the nightmare
That you're long gone
Even though I said I'm sorry
And I wrote you a song

I'm so silly on the inside
Come take a look at this huge mess
I killed your heart and stabbed your soul
And all of this, I confess

So Mr. Detective,
Are you gonna lock me up?
I killed a girl, her and her dreams
Do you think I've done enough?
So are you gonna lock me up?

I stare into the empty glass
And I realize it's my life
I tried to stop myself
But I kept looking at the knife
And you don't care for me
You thought I was a joke
Now the flames are taking over me
With the smoke, I'm left to choke

You wouldn't talk with me
Walk with me
Hang with me
Laugh with me
Love with me
Goof off with me
It would just feel so good
To let you go
But I can't let you go

I see the ink dripping
I notice it's my blood
And I feel like all you ever wanted
Was for me to suffer enough
You get so angry at me
You can't even look at my face
But I'll keep trying to show you
I'm not such a disgrace

You wouldn't care for me
Breathe for me
Cry for me
Die for me
Bleed for me
Pray for me
It'd feel so good to let go
But I can't let you go

I prayed all the time
That someday, you'd love me
And that I'd get the chance
To tell you how I feel

Looked at the text message
And saw those are my words
And when you read it
It was the worse thing that you ever heard
So I'll just stay here
While you're hung up in bed
And we'll both keep thinking about
All the stupid things I said

I guess we'll never know
If I could ever let you go

Speak up
Tell them what they want to hear
Listen, acknowledge what they feel
It'll all get better soon and you can move along
Speak now
It doesn't have to be truth
They just wanna bring you down
Don't let them get the best of you

Turn off the worry
Turn on the take heart
It's gonna be alright
We can always restart

When you're down
When you've got a frown
When you're feeling bad
And you're feeling sad
When insecurity gets the best of you
And you're down and you're feeling blue
And a friend is all you need
You can come to me

I don't fall for people anymore because the last crush I had lasted a year and I was so indulged in it but I had to let it go because I realized we will never be together.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always end up getting hurt in the end, even when I say it's worth it.
I don't fall for people anymore because even though I'm sexually pure, I still end up giving away a piece of me, a piece of my heart.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always have to watch them be with someone else. It's like as soon as I like them, they get in a relationship. 
I don't fall for people anymore because I always end up throwing that person in the past and then it's awkward. 
I don't fall for people anymore because I always jump to conclusions like we will be married and we will have this many kids and live here and etcetera etcetera.
I don't fall for people anymore because I latch onto someone and find it extremely hard to let go. I need to not be able to trust people so quickly.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always let myself down. 
I don't fall for people anymore because every little bit of hope and expectation I have inside me is eventually drastically drained out of my low ridden soul due to the fact that the person I like will never want to be with me.
I don't fall for people because all I wanted was you and I cant even have that. 
I don't fall anymore because I've finally caught my footing.

A girl doesn't want drama
She just wants a guy truthful
A girl doesn't want to be called hot
She wants to be told she's beautiful
She doesn't want to go out all of the time
She's rather stay home in her sweats
And she gets all crazy when you look at her
Even though you both just met
She doesn't need a popular guy
She'd rather date a nerd
It's funny because some people say
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard
But hey, do you really know a girl?

Her name, I cannot say. You never know, she just may read this. I've known her all my life. Anyway, I've liked her for a year and a half now. She doesn't really know how she feels about Jesus. I am a devout Christian. Never would change my faith for anyone. I wish she believed. It's hard to be in love with someone who doesn't share a big interest as you do. It's not like I like coffee and she doesn't. This is a big deal. This changes everything. What if we got married and we had kids and they were forced to choose. It'd break my heart to have my kids not have a Christian faith. Oh goodness. What on Earth am I gonna do?

I'd like to think that I have a God-given right to my own **** happiness. So why are there so many setbacks? Why do I have to live a nightmare everyday to get what I want? I truly believe this is what's best for me and God agrees. This is who I am. I'm not a girl. I am a guy. I can remember ever since I was little wanting to be a boy. So many setbacks. Acceptance, money, job, wife, kids. Is my family gonna accept me? What about the money? This isn't just a hundred bucks. This is a huge expense. Sure I'll have help from family and friends, but is it ever real gonna be enough? I can deal with getting poked with a needle everyday. I hate anxiety. Why should I have to wake up with anxiety every morning and it's gets to the point where I contemplate suicide? This is pulling me away from my faith. Jesus. I have no words. He's so perfect that anything I say won't measure up to his perfection. This is making me mad at God, as if he is the one throwing the setbacks at me. Well, I guess he kinda is. My good friend Livy said that he gives us obstacles in order for us to prove how much I love him. Okay. I can handle and accept that. What I can't accept is the pain. I can't accept the fact that I deal with anxiety and it kills me emotionally to point where it could potentially **** me physically. Where do I turn? Medication is slowly kicking in. Okay I get the point. Now medicine, can you please just kick in already so I believe that I have a reason to live? I don't wanna feel alone. I just want to be free. Free from these chains. I just want to feel whole again. I wanna go out and have fun and not worry about the future. I don't want to sit inside staring at a wall all day. That's basically what I've been doing. Can anybody hear me? Is there anybody out there?

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now, it looks as though they're here to stay. I believe in yesterday."

I had to tell him yesterday that we couldn't go to prom together because of my stupid school rules. I could feel his heart breaking through the text. And I'm sure he could not only feel it, but hear it too. Because my heart was beating so loud with anger. He's such a nice guy who won't try to pull anything on me. But no. Gotta go by the rules for prom. Can't make a **** exception for the girl who lucky enough to actually have someone to go with. He said he would've loved to go with me. That breaks my heart because I would've loved to go with him too. But no. My school doesn't care about feelings or education. All they care about is money. Okay. Well how about this? I won't go to prom, which means no money from me in your pocket. That seems fair, right?

Smile on the outside
Dying on the inside
Hide away the pain
Don't let them know you're struggling
Gotta cope with this
****** neurotic mess
Tell yourself to move on
Because she's already gone
Think about it all the time
Pray about it every night
You're lost and never found
So go and lay your head down
Breaking into creases
Falling to pieces
Don't wanna play the blame game
And you feel so ashamed
Tell yourself it's over
The healing's getting closer
Balance your emotions
Quit causing a commotion
Tired of your problems
Cuz Lord knows that you got them
Love another girl
But that opens another can of worms
Heart's committing suicide
Go and find a place to hide
Look up to the sky
And you ask God why
Hell is getting closer
Yeah it's taking over
Try not to let your heart break
You're on the edge of heartache

I'm playing this game called life
Don't know if it's the right time
You can hear my cries at night
I don't deserve eternal life

I know I don't have the right
Because I sin all the time
I shouldn't fear the devil's bite
I guess I have to fight

I got it the easy way
Cause I won't die today
There's so many out there
They're homeless everywhere

I hate this life I'm living
Cause all I'm doing is sinning
I shouldn't be forgiven
And my God's got me risen
And all I do is play God
I'm not where I belong
I should be in the devil's lot
Can't appreciate all I got

After praising, I go back to that old life
And I start to be someone I despise
It's not fair to Him that I can't commit
I know I gotta change, I'm just so sick of it

I gotta change my ways
Unless I wanna die today
Look at all those children, they're scared
They're homeless everywhere

Oh take my life
Oh take my life
Keep me in this fight
Lord keep me in this fight

My blood keeps getting thinner
All I am is a sinner
I'm not gonna be a winner
No I'm not the grinner
I wish I could change my ways
I wish I could change this place
Get out of my old days
Can you hear what I say?

Who knew doing the right thing would came off as so wrong to others?

I'm sorry, but shouting inappropriate things to others students at lunch is just not acceptable to me.
They can hate me if they want. ***** all you want. It doesn't change anything. I don't feel sorry.
And I never will. Go ahead and keep saying those things, only to me now. I don't give a ****.
We can see who the mature person is. I took a stand and everyone, even my friends, say I shouldn't have done it.
Okay sure. I can see it from their side. But then they bring up the time I reported someone for carrying knives in school.
How the hell can they say that wasn't the right thing? What, just because that person is your friend or you don't suspect
they would ever slash someone? Oh yeah, well no one though Alex Hribal would stab anyone, but he ended up
slashing 21 people. To make my point even more clear, this happened a week after the Franklin Regional stabbing
occured. So do you really think a cautious person like myself wouldn't report that? You are insane if you think that.
One boy said to his friends purposefully loud enough for me to hear, "You know what the Bible says? Snitches get stitches."
Oh, that's mature. What are you gonna do? Tell my mommy on me? Tell your mommies on me? Look at me, I'm trrembling with fear.
Oh please. Get over yourself.

What happens to a dream
If it doesn't come true?
Will be the truth be revealed?
Will I not have you?
Do our fears lead us?
Do they stay or go away?
Those times of trouble, pain is doubled
With nothing left to say

And I say
You're fading away
My dream, my love
Going away
Will you stay?
Please don't fade away

My dream explodes with anger
What on Earth will I do?
Yeah tell me what will I do
If I don't have you?
If it doesn't come true?
My dream is you

And I say
You're fading away
My dream, my love
Going away
Will you stay?
Please don't fade away

It drags behind me
My thoughts serenade me
Does it eat you up
Til you can't breathe
Like it has to me?
Does it hurt you a lot
Knowing there won't be love?

I can see it
But I can't reach it
I'm chasing after it
After you

And I say
You're fading away
My dream, my love
Going away
Will you stay?
Please don't fade away

What happens to a dream
If it doesn't come true?
Is the truth revealed?
Will I not have you?

There's an awkward silence
As I walk by you
Should I say hello
Or walk away from you?
It's so weird
The way you're treating me
Like I'm a loser
And we had nothing

Should I run?
Who do you love?
Are you lying to me?
Are you over me?
And you hurt me
You broke me
Forget this
So can I get a witness?

You always talk about how you have fun
I bet it was fun to watch my whole entire world to come undone
And I bet you loved it, isolating me
But I'll move on, that I can guarantee

Should I fight?
Was I right?
Are you going on?
Are you lost?
And you left me
Broken down
I can be fearless
Oh can I get a witness?

I'm not dying
Not crying
Not trying to make you change your mind
Not lying
Death defying
Buying all of your time

There's an awkward silence
As I walk by you
Should I say hello to you
Or walk away from you?

I woke up from my sleep
You left me yesterday
It's not so ******* me
You thought I'd cry
Yeah, you probably thought I'd die
But you don't see any tears
No you don't see me dying here

I used to breathe into you
When love was all we knew
You probably thought I couldn't breathe without you
But guess what, honey?
I got news for you
I don't need you anymore

With fire like this, you'd burn
So why do I have to give in return?

You can go on now
I'm ain't living in doubt
I don't need this kind of life
Just a pink, little square
To erase you from my life

You thought, you thought I couldn't live
My whole life, you thought I'd give to you
But you have the story wrong
I'm not gonna give you anything at all

And when I'd fall,
You just stand there and watch as I called

You thought I'd suffer
More than you ever did, oh please
At first, it was very hard to make it look so easy
But now it is

Fate is an empty lie
No need to kiss me goodbye
Let me retrieve my pink square of rubber
So I can remove you from my whole life

I'm finally giving in
I'm letting the end begin
I know I can't win
So why try to live?
So I'll sit and have a gin
And let God watch me as I sin
You can tell he is disappointed
You can see it through the burning

Sure I could turn it around
But I'm too tired
So I'll just let it take me down

I don't know where to fly
I don't know where to hide
I just can't seem to find the highs
I don't know why I try
When you're gone and now
I can't find the right time
To tell you
You were mine

I guess I'm a little bit too tired
I just can't seem to get higher
It's burning down to the last wire
A heartbroken burn in the fire

I know I can turn this around
But I'm too tired
So I'll just let it break me down

You don't care about me
You never did
It's in your eyes, I see
I saw my whole world
Now it's gone
Like a train down a track
You're not ever coming back
Like a balloon floating through the sky
But **** it, I thought you were mine

Sure I could turn it around
But I'm too tired and you don't give a ****
So I'll just let it break me down

I've wanted to write about this for a while now.

I know someone who is going to prison for a *** crime.

Here is what I'll never understand.

This person was married with kids.

I'll never understand how this person was able to think that they would get away with what they were doing.

Let's be honest.

People talk.

The other end of this was surely going to talk eventually.

I'll never understand how they were willing to risk their future and career and family all for unrequited love. It doesn't make sense to me.
This person had everything. A good job, loving family, and a future.

All of that is gone.

How does someone risk all that?

Heart skips a beat
Starting to see red
I've made my bed of nails
Now I must lay in it
I'm starting to open my eyes
This isn't no passing glance
I'm starting to realize
That I have no chance

This is tearing down my insides
To the point where I can't breathe
I need you to look me in the eyes
And tell me why the hell you're doing this to me

Are you mad?
Are you ticked?
Am I starting to make your heart sick?
Tell me because I need to know
Are you annoyed?
Are you faking smiles?
Don't want to doubt, but this is getting vile
I'm starting to lose my hope
I'm getting paranoid and nobody knows

I try to wash away the pain and scars
And the thought of fatality
But they just won’t seem to go away
From what you did to me

All the time, I pray to God
That someday, I’ll be set free
I hope one day, I’ll get my way
You still did what you did to me


I can’t believe you doubted me
You never seemed to care
I always wanted to say something
But never really dared

I hope I’ll be able to breathe again
And see the light eventually
And I've said I’m sorry a million times
Even though you did what you did to me

I wouldn't care if you said
“You mean so much to me”
You underestimated me and pushed me away
Why’d you do what you did to me?

I can’t believe you doubted me
You never seemed to care
I’ve always wanted to say something
But never really dared

I loved you before and that’s a fact
But a million apologies could never bring me back
Now I’m trying to find that open door
To get me to the place I’m looking for

And now it’s time to say goodbye
To everything I lost and see
Anything you say to apologize
Can’t make up from what you did to me

I can’t believe you doubted me
You never seemed to care
I’ve always wanted to say something
But never really dared

I want to believe everything I know
And I just want to leave
But you never wanted anything I wanted
This is what you did to me

I’ve been down that road before
Can’t believe everything I’ve seen
I hated you, yeah, I guess that’s life
You’ll be known as the one who did what you did to me

When I first saw you
I thought nothing of it
But then I fell in love
You were all I wanted

But I've taken time
I take up your time
I made up my mind
So I'm leaving today
Hope you find a way

I hope you get what you deserve
Because I don't deserve you
You don't deserve me
You deserve someone you need
And we don't match
Our love was cut in half
We're always apart
So what am I gonna
What am I gonna
What am I gonna do with this heart?

When we talk
I feel disillusioned
You were part
Of my confusion

But I've given it thought
Think about it a lot
No, I have not forgot
You think I don't care
But I'm actually scared
No this love game ain't fair

I will always remember
That one perfect September
We were together
We said forever
Until it ended that lonely November

I hope you get what you deserve
Because I don't deserve you
You don't deserve me
You deserve someone you need
I hope you're treated well
I can break the spell
You ran away with my heart
Love was changed from the start
We're always apart
So what I'm gonna
What am I gonna
What am I gonna do with this heart?

I met my shadow today
Yes, I met her on the street
She happened to scare me half to death
My heart skipped a beat
We walked and talked all night long
About things that teenage girls do
We talked about drama, and things really crazy
If you could talk to your shadow, would you?

She and I were babysitting one time
And I was fortunate enough to capture a picture of her holding a baby.
She looked so peaceful in the picture.
She looked like she knew exactly what she was doing.
I asked her, for the sake of our possible future, if she wanted kids.
Hanging out with her, I wasn't really sure.
She didn't seem like the type to want kids.
She said, "Someday."  
That was all I needed.
I feel like even if she didn't want kids, I'd still want to be with her.
Because, it's her.
I hope I get to be with her forever.
Because I know, with or without me, she'll be a great mother.

I cried you a river of raindrops and tears
Can't you see me begging on my knees here
Every single day, I live in fear
Of the mere fact of someone taking you away from me

Today, my name is "can't make up my mind."
Tomorrow, my name will be, "never-ending sorrow."
Yesterday, my name was, "upset at the world."
Oh how I just can't wait for tomorrow

It kinda hit me one day
I started thinking of your face
I don't really know where this is going
Cuz you're a married woman

I sit down and think of what to do
Cuz my heart belongs to a million other girls like you
I guess you're really never knowing
But you're a married woman

No No No No No No No
No more feelings, not today
No No No No No No No
This is all getting crazy

I see you all the time
It's not like I'm telling you how I really feel
I promise it'll go away
These feelings are the disguise of what is truly real

I wish I was with you some days
And I can't even believe I just said that
I'm losing my strength, my self control
Can you give that back because my heart is getting cold
Please don't find me strange
Please don't get me wrong
This is just a phase
I've been trying to find love for so long

I wonder how this would go down
If the word got around
This feeling can't be growing
Because you're a married woman

Screams through the hall,
Blood everywhere
The sound of footsteps running
From the boy who thinks its fair

Why is he doing this?
Doesn't he know it's wrong?
You can't come in and hurt who you see
Why can't we all just get along?

Everyone is getting weaker 
The hours are getting longer
But it all gets better, that I promise you
Everybody will soon grow stronger

He probably thought he could run
Yeah he thought he could get away 
You can't be harmful to 1200 people 
And think that you're not gonna pay

He's sitting in that juvenile center
I wonder if he's ashamed
Did he really think he could do all this
And play it like it was a video game?

This could happen to any school
So don't think it's only you
Havent you seen all the horrible events?
Hell, just take a look at the news 

It won't always be like this
Those bad memories, I promise, will fade
FR is strong, that I know is true 
They all come together and pray

Everyone's gonna be terrified 
When they go back to school on Monday
But It'll be okay, take a deep breath
Just close your eyes and pray

God's gonna watch over you
He already did that tragic Wednesday morn
1,200 kids, not a single one dead
That's grace shining bright from the Lord

Don't be afraid, no don't you worry
The pain can't last forever 
So sleep easy tonight, Franklin Regional
Close your eyes and it will all get better

If every kiss was a rose
We'd have a garden
If every second was a hug
I'd be in your arms
If every tear was a raindrop
There'd be a storm
If my arms were a blanket
Well, baby, I'd be keeping you warm

On days when we're feeling cold
Your arms are around us to keep us warm
You heal the broken, you set us free
You're the salvation that we all need

You're crumbling these high walls down
Jesus you wear the crown
I start to wonder how
I doubted you because I know now
Jesus you are the King
We love you, lift you up and sing
Thou art the one that we bow down
We're bringing the kingdom down

I'm breaking free from these chains
I'm standing here and here, I'll remain
We may worry and feel hurt
But we shall take heart,
You've overcome the world

Does he kiss you before you leave every morning?
Does he make you breakfast just for the hell of it?
Does he rub your back when you've had a long day?
Does he play with your hair instead of your heart like most guys do?
Does he be a goofball with you like I am?
Does he take you in like a morning cup of coffee every time he feels your embrace?
Does he hold you when you cry and kiss you to make you feel better like I would?
Does he ever cry in front of you and show his sensitivity?
Does he know what he has and doesn't take you for granted?
Does he hold you close like a good man should?
Does he tell you he loves you every chance he gets?
Does he make you smile like I do?
Does every love song he hears make him think of you?
Does he let you lay your head on his chest?
Does he ever pour his heart out to you because your love is so overwhelming?
Does he dance with you like I wish I could?
Does he make love to you passionately like we could?

Does he tell you that you're beautiful every single day?

Does he love you like I love you?

Well, tell me

does he?

We met up somewhere
For just a chat
I must say it's been quite a while
Since we've done that
I can't say what I've felt
All those lonely months without you
But now here you are again
So tell me, what's new with you?
I've been good
I've been better
Hey honey
Did you receive my letter?
We had our little talk
Then I had to walk
I wanted to talk more
Instead, I went inside behind that door
What a crazy day
You dropped me off
I had to watch you
And then you drove away

I slept next to you
It was amazing
I held back all my feelings
Cuz we're just friends
But I don't know
I feel like you give me hope for a chance for us
I've seen you in underwear and a bra
I've seen you in a towel
You're still that beautiful girl
You always will be
Even if you knew
I wouldn't have had to say a word
Because the thoughts running through my mind
Said it all
We just laid there
Me, trying not to say something
That will make you wonder
You, having not a single clue
It was just peaceful, blissful silence
And that was the moment I knew
That I was falling for you

I'm sitting on a burning bridge
With not a single urge to move
You threw my hopeless heart in the river
I don't care if it's still in two
I know I'd go back to those days
When baby, I didn't need to recover
But now with this aching heartbreak
Baby girl, you're my sweet nothing

So tell me if you really meant what you said
Or you just weren't thinking right
I think you were playing with my head
Just like you do all the time
If I had a dime for every time
I thought you would actually stay
I'd be sitting on that burning bridge
Throwing my dimes into the gray

I'm breathing in a burning house
With not a single notion to get up
My soul's somewhere under this fire
Oh baby, along with our love

So tell me if you ever really cared
Or it was just a smile faked for my sake
I don't know, should I say a silent prayer
Or just hope God can hear me with all this trouble you've made?
If I had a penny for every time
That you said that you'd stay
I'd be throwing my change into the fire
That's starting to cover my face

I guess our love wasn't set in stone
I guess it never really is
I guess you weren't mine to own
That was just another wish
Or just another expectation at which I'd live
It just wouldn't give

Tell me, is there something I can do
Or am I just supposed to forget about you?
I'm strangled by your loving
I wish I could stop running
And now that I'm finally sober
I say to myself, "It's definitely over."

I always thought it would work
I took you for granted
You were out of my arms in a heartbeat
Guess that's what you get when you're arrogant
I've tried my hardest to move on
I've tried my hardest not to cry
Because she had me at hello
And she left me at goodbye

It's just the feeling I get when I'm around her.
It's just the longing I feel when we can't be together.
It's just the smell of her sweet perfume, lingering through the air.
It's just that cute little smile she has.
It's just her laugh when something funny happens.
It's just the way she can make you better when you're down.
It's just the weird faces she makes to get you to laugh. 
It's just the way she's a goofball. 
It's just how I feel when I think of her.
It's just that vibe I get when I lay down and I think of what could be of us.
It's just the way she laughs at anything.
It's just the way that she's a warrior for Christ.
It's just the feeling I got when I slept next to her.
It's just everything she does.
It's just her perfection. 
It's just that I can't live without her.
It's just I need to be with her as much as I can.
It's just she's so amazing. Everything she does is amazing. 
It's just........
It's just her.

I can't imagine someone taking you from me
It'd drive me insane to know you let go too soon
Or just the mere fact
That I wasn't capable of holding on to you

You ignore my posts
Don't respond to my texts
Don't reply to my tweets
Oh God, what's next?
It's like some days you don't care
And some days you do
But I wonder if you'd care
If you knew how I feel about you

I miss the leaves when they'd fall down
I miss the time you'd come around
I miss the sun, shining down on me
I miss you, most importantly

It's really hard
Letting you go
Is like a waterfall without a flow
And I don't know
What I'm supposed to do
Without you
It's hard
Letting you go

I miss the time we did it on our own
I miss those times, but now I'm all alone

I fell for you like the rain does on a stormy day.
Hard when it hits the ground, helplessly just as it does,
Uncontrollably with no thought,
Drowning in a sea of unrequited love