i'm not a freak a' nature, i'm a force a' nature.
i'm gonna ******* up and i'm gonna ******* down
and maybe ******* sideways if i've got time
and i got all the time in the world.
but i maybe ain't got time for you,
you who thinks that 'cause i got my missing tooth,
my balding head, my hairy chest, my bigger left breast,
and my genitals which don't have names that you'd ever give
ain't things to love but are reason to hate.
… yeah, i ain't got time for you. i got bigger things to do
like change the weather, write the future, have ***,
make art, discover a new world, or become a tornado
and spin away
leaving you with nothing to stand on.

I am tired
of feeling this way
and being like this.

I am so sick
of having these thing
living inside of me.
I should have tried
to get rid of it sooner.
But I let it grow
become it's own being
now it has a face
it has a personality.

I'm done being sad.
Of having gloom
draped around my shoulders
every time I get dressed.
I'm done with looking in the mirror
and seeing a monster
who I fight everyday
and always lose.

Paranoia.
Being unsure.
Always second guessing angels.
Being selfish.
Putting myself above others.
Knowing what I'm doing is wrong
and continuing to let myself
get wrapped up in a hopeless
situation.
It has exhausted me.

I am done burning.
I want to extinguish
the nest of flames that lap
under my skin
that have me thinking
the only way to relieve myself
is reach under the skin
and let the fire slowly trickle out.

I need to learn honesty.
I want to be a better person.
I need to stop kidding myself.
I want to let it go.
I need to let myself be happy.
I want to let you be happy.

I have the reassurance
that I don't know better
than the universe.
It knows where I will be going
and who I'll meet along the way.

I have the knowledge that
overcoming tyranny isn't easy.
But my willingness
to be happy is stronger
than any depression.
It may be tomorrow
it may be in ten years.
But it will happen.
Happiness will happen.

I'm still pushing against a boulder.
Trying to climb over
only to scrape at the sides
leaving my finger tips ******.
But I know I have something.
pushing me. Carrying me.
I have the hands of the angels
that sit on my shoulders.  
Elevating me and helping me
to get my footing.

Everyday.
Every ******* day.
I have to have this conversation
with you.

About what an idiot you are.
How ******* pretentious you are
to think you could ever have him.
Do you think he even notices you breathe?

Probably not.
Maybe you should try not to
That might get someone's attention
you pathetic little piece of worthlessness.
You should be ashamed of yourself.  

How arrogant can you be?
To think you would ever be considered
worthy of his time and attention.
He is everything you lack.
Everything you will never be.
You are a monster.
He is everything that is good.

It amazes me that even though
you know you don't have a chance in hell
you still make up these
little fantasies in you head.
You still write poetry about it.
You mind keeps convincing yourself it isn't so
but your idiot heart won't let you forget.

It's a little cute.
How impossibly naive you are.
It's time to end this little charade
and just give up.

You could turn off your feelings.
Or you could just stop thinking about it.
Or you could really show you care
and **** yourself.
Stop the embarrassment.
End the nuisance.
But suicide would be pretty pointless since
you are already dead.

Everyday.
Every ******* day.
I have to have this conversation
in my head about you.

I want to scream it so loud
that you can't help but hear it.
But the truth is, I know
you already know I'm right.

So I stop talking.
I look away from the mirror,
away from my reflection
and continue with my day.
Praying I take the advice.

Just breathe.

That's what people tell me.
Angry? Just breathe.
Emotional? Just breathe.
Sad? Just breathe.
Breathing will relieve you.
But what if breathing is what you're most afraid of?

What if breathing feels like a million lit cigarettes
dancing a tango all over your body?
What if breathing feels worse than not?
The most basic act you need to perform
to stay alive is what gives you a longing to die.
Ironic, huh?

Deal with it.
Things could be worse.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

As much as people would like to think
I'm doing this for attention, I'm not.
I would never put myself through this
for a few minutes of spotlight.
I wish I didn't have to give myself a pep talk
every morning just to walk out the door
because I'm too ashamed of people looking at me
and seeing what I see.  

As much as people would like to think
I feel sorry for myself, I don't.
I feel sorry for the friends that choose to stand by me
wanting to take away my hurt but not knowing how
because I'm too arrogant to accept their help.
I feel sorry for my mother whose own sadness
I've failed to find an answer to.
I feel sorry for both of my parents,
because they live in such small minds that
being my true self would be too much
and crush them.

As much as people would like to think
I should just deal with it, I can't.
Maybe I don't know how.
Maybe it's a puzzle I can't find the pieces for.
Maybe deep down I'm just selfish.
Maybe I let myself get this way.
Maybe I like feeling the pain.
Maybe I'm scared of what I'd feel instead.

Maybe I wish I wasn't such a coward.
Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to let
the shiny sharp silver take the ride down the river
of my arms and watch all of my disappointments
and failures and ugliness and mistakes
drip from my skin to the concrete.

Maybe I'll deal with it.
Maybe I'll stop being selfish.
Maybe I can find the strength
to muster up a weak smile,
and fool everyone.

Maybe I'll just breathe.

I attached myself
to you.

I wish I hadn't.

I picked you
out of many.

I wish I hadn't.

I felt we could be
friends.

I wish I hadn't.

That friendship
blossomed.

I wish it hadn't.

Our feelings
changed.

I wish they hadn't.

We fell away
from each other.

I wish we hadn't.

I hurt you
you hurt me.

I wish we hadn't.

Now all I can do
is silently weep.

I wish I didn't.

Now all this pain
just festers.

I wish it didn't.

What happened to
friendship?
Can't we go back?

I wish we could.

What happend to
happiness?
Can't it return?

I wish it would.

It seems too late
to be friends again.

I wish it didn't.

So here I say
I love you.

I wish I hadn't.

So here I say
I miss you.

I wish I didn't.

So here I say
good-bye.

I wish I wouldn't.

Before you can say
good-bye.

I wish you wouldn't.

Because our
friendship
has lost us.

I wish it didn't.

Because my
friendship
is retracted.

I wish it hadn't.

Because my
heart
can't take it.

I wish it shouldn't.

Because I hurt you
so you hurt me.

I wish we didn't.

I miss you.
You were my
best friend.

I wish you are.

But it's too late for
friendship.

I wish it wasn't.

Because it's time to say
good-bye.

Is it so wrong
to want to try something new?

Is it so wrong
to want to try something bad?

Is it so wrong
to want to do something bad?

Is it?

I just want to try
something dangerous.

I just want to try
something harmful.

I just want to try
something.

Is that so
weird?

I want to have new
experiences.

Open my mind to
new possibilities.

I want to be safe
but it should be fine.

Should I?
Shouldn't I?

Is it so wrong to
want to try something?

Just a little dangerous
a little harmful.

Is it
so wrong?

I need a rush
some adrenaline.

I need to relax
and calm my mind.

Is it so wrong
to want to try?

Something new
something cool

Something good
that's actually bad

Bad by societies standards
but good by my own

What happened to
open mindedness?

What happened to
acceptance?

Why can't I do this
of all things?

As soon as someone
finds out.

I'll be judged
but I want to try.

I want to try
something new.

Something bad.

Something good.

Just something.

I remember darkness
Feeling alone
Not knowing what to do
Not knowing if I should tell

Cramped in a small space
Maybe with someone else
But mostly not
I was alone

I did something
anything
I don't know
But I was alone

I tried to ask why
but I was greeted
with only hurt
and pain

I was alone
because I wasn't alike
I wouldn't let things go
I wouldn't say, "Ok"

It was dark
It was small
I was scared
I was alone

I told no one
I don't know why
I just didn't
It's how it worked

I would go everyday
Don't know why
I didn't even try
to say anything

If that day
I was even worse
I felt the sting
of a belt

It hurt
physically
emotionally
everything

I don't know why
I didn't say
anything
ever

I remembered
Later
In high school
I don't know why

I had counseling
depression
medication
and the like

It was hard
I'm still coping
But I can't
forget

I will not write love poetry
But love, I do feel

Don't take it personally
If I don't say I love you

Because I just can't
I just can't do it

I have difficulty
Expressing my love

You see what I write
But that's here

You see what I've written
That's only here

I don't let others read
Everything I write

Honestly I'd like
a personal life

Something that isn't
Out for my friends

I love them
But still

I'm a solitary creature
by habit and conditioning

I'd rather have someplace
where I can feign singularity

Everything has been found out
Things I'd rather not say

But it's too late to stop
what has already been seen

It's too late it seems
to live a life of solo

I have people who care
and I care for them

It's refreshing
I guess

But again
I want singularity

Time alone
from the world

But it's okay
I love them

They mean the best
They love me too

It's fine
It's great

Singularity
for care

I think
it's an even trade