Jul 2014
As dark a place as I had always thought
That loneliness would be I find its not
As empty as the smiles of those I’ve caught
Just pitying my scars with gazes hot
I rush to cover what they shouldn’t see
The raised and reddened lines across my back
Where surgeons tried and failed to cut me free
Instead they left rods glinting in the black
They tried to slice out Pain, but they found hope
And by mistake they cut that out instead
I woke up, found it gone, and I could cope
For by the time they found it, hope was dead
But while I ought to miss this thing I’ve lost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
Of trying to convince them I’m okay
That I can barely feel this endless frost
The hardest part of every single day
Was making them believe the lies I told
That Pain was fading, life was kind once more
When all I wanted was to simply fold
Into myself and lock every last door
I painted red my cheeks to hide the pale
And flashed a cheerful smile to cover dread
But once in a long while my lies would fail
And everyone saw storms rage in my head
But sometimes I can drop the lies I wind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
It’s almost like my thoughts are once more mine
Like loosened are the ties that often bind
And sheathed once more the claws that tear my spine
Black tendrils weave no longer through my thoughts
And heavy fog lifts slowly from my eyes
My shoulders finally relax their knots
At last I do not hide behind my guise
My steps are light, my smile no longer false
The sunshine feels like heaven on my face
My back may finally forget its faults
And everything at last will find its place.
But then the Pain floods back and rain does come
To save itself my mind must be made numb
To save itself my mind must be made numb
The sleepless nights and endless tear filled days
Would rip and shred my strength if not for some
Last way to hide myself above the craze
Of burning, tearing, blaring, broken nerves
That screamed their Pain so loud and long that they
No longer know the purpose silence serves
One day they’ll learn of whispers, this I pray
But ‘till they do I lock away my mind
I shudder at a world where it runs free
My only solace from a world unkind,
For surely as I live, it’d run from me
So here in this dark place I hide away,
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay.
The dewy greens and sunny beams are not
Within my too short reach, so far away.
One day I’d find my way or so I thought
To all the places that my life forgot,
But heavy fears and unshed tears do weigh
So heavy on the dreams I’d once been taught.
The fervor of my wanderlust does gray
When pressed against the far too precious cost
Of moving through the world like others do.
They all seem so surefooted. I am lost.
The days when I stand tall are oh so few.
I look and laugh at days before I knew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
That fizzle, fade when morning heats the ground
That know their fate before they see the blue
Though barely out of infancy they’re drowned
In sunshine that wreaks havoc all around
In shadows I can dream without the fear
Of sunshine showing places where I’m bound
I wish upon the stars and smile here
And for the briefest moment I am free
To dream as others, of a daring deed
Of fame and fortune, what my life could be
If only Pain could slake its boundless greed.
But sunshine burns away my shaded home
As always I’m reminded not to roam
As always I’m reminded not to roam
When every morning I awake to flame
To flickering hot tongues that char my bone
It’s difficult to walk shrouded in Pain
The agony is bearable until
One movement kindles flames to rise again
The ever wary watchfulness within
Is wearing ever thinner on my brain
The final fading of hope held so close
Is comfort unlike any I had known
The fears that Pain will never cease now doze
And sureness carries safety hope just won’t
And so I’m finding hopelessness is not
As dark a place as I had always thought
That loneliness would be I find its not
As empty as the smiles of those I’ve caught
Just pitying my scars with gazes hot
I rush to cover what they shouldn’t see
The raised and reddened lines across my back
Where surgeons tried and failed to cut me free
Instead they left rods glinting in the black
They tried to slice out Pain, but they found hope
And by mistake they cut that out instead
I woke up, found it gone, and I could cope
For by the time they found it, hope was dead
But while I ought to miss this thing I’ve lost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
In truth I’m just so glad to shed the cost
Of trying to convince them I’m okay
That I can barely feel this endless frost
The hardest part of every single day
Was making them believe the lies I told
That Pain was fading, life was kind once more
When all I wanted was to simply fold
Into myself and lock every last door
I painted red my cheeks to hide the pale
And flashed a cheerful smile to cover dread
But once in a long while my lies would fail
And everyone saw storms rage in my head
But sometimes I can drop the lies I wind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
On days when Pain fades gently from my mind
It’s almost like my thoughts are once more mine
Like loosened are the ties that often bind
And sheathed once more the claws that tear my spine
Black tendrils weave no longer through my thoughts
And heavy fog lifts slowly from my eyes
My shoulders finally relax their knots
At last I do not hide behind my guise
My steps are light, my smile no longer false
The sunshine feels like heaven on my face
My back may finally forget its faults
And everything at last will find its place.
But then the Pain floods back and rain does come
To save itself my mind must be made numb
To save itself my mind must be made numb
The sleepless nights and endless tear filled days
Would rip and shred my strength if not for some
Last way to hide myself above the craze
Of burning, tearing, blaring, broken nerves
That screamed their Pain so loud and long that they
No longer know the purpose silence serves
One day they’ll learn of whispers, this I pray
But ‘till they do I lock away my mind
I shudder at a world where it runs free
My only solace from a world unkind,
For surely as I live, it’d run from me
So here in this dark place I hide away,
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay
Until the Pain does cease, here will I stay.
The dewy greens and sunny beams are not
Within my too short reach, so far away.
One day I’d find my way or so I thought
To all the places that my life forgot,
But heavy fears and unshed tears do weigh
So heavy on the dreams I’d once been taught.
The fervor of my wanderlust does gray
When pressed against the far too precious cost
Of moving through the world like others do.
They all seem so surefooted. I am lost.
The days when I stand tall are oh so few.
I look and laugh at days before I knew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
Although I’m but a girl my dreams are dew
That fizzle, fade when morning heats the ground
That know their fate before they see the blue
Though barely out of infancy they’re drowned
In sunshine that wreaks havoc all around
In shadows I can dream without the fear
Of sunshine showing places where I’m bound
I wish upon the stars and smile here
And for the briefest moment I am free
To dream as others, of a daring deed
Of fame and fortune, what my life could be
If only Pain could slake its boundless greed.
But sunshine burns away my shaded home
As always I’m reminded not to roam
As always I’m reminded not to roam
When every morning I awake to flame
To flickering hot tongues that char my bone
It’s difficult to walk shrouded in Pain
The agony is bearable until
One movement kindles flames to rise again
The ever wary watchfulness within
Is wearing ever thinner on my brain
The final fading of hope held so close
Is comfort unlike any I had known
The fears that Pain will never cease now doze
And sureness carries safety hope just won’t
And so I’m finding hopelessness is not
As dark a place as I had always thought
