i need to get out. out.
but do you know that it´s that conversation
that keeps me captive?

you don’t.
and i mean, how could you?
when you were right:

about not being meant to be.
& a part of me hates that phrase.
meant to be?
i mean i believe there could be
many ‘meant to be’ relationships.
maybe “ours”
wasn’t one.  

but your. choice. of words.
your method of saying. or not saying.
really?

agreeing with me?
when you know
that that is never
ever
a way of telling someone.

i may be crazy.
but i am not that kind of crazy.
& bringing the opinions of your friends in?

huh.
i guess you did go there.

i’m the kind of crazy that cries,
but doesn’t stalk insatiably.
the crazy that has past pain,
but does not use it to manipulate.
the crazy that gets hurt,
& clearly the kind that drives you away.

i liked you despite your difficulties.
& i know you didn’t owe me anything like that, because ultimately it was your choice.
but it did hurt what you said.

i liked you because you seemed so much more different than those who would tell you
i am crazy.
but maybe not.
when i said that other people would see me as “a crazy b*tch”,
i never said that i thought that about me.
but by confirming that’s what your friends would say,
& by making me feel i was?
maybe it was for the best.

this is the part where you would say
that that is what i felt
& not what you said or did.
that i can’t blame you.

i know that.
& i am not thinking you are the bad guy.
quite the opposite actually.

i just know
that anyone
who makes me feel that way
whether it be intentional,
unintentional,
or simply coincidental,
it’s a feeling that doesn’t go away
easily
& that when they make me feel like that,
i need to reconsider my distance.

& how could you have known
that that is how i felt?
well,
you aren’t stupid,
& you could see that i was hurting,
& you know the decent thing to do.

it may be my fault for feeling that way
when that wasn’t your intention (?),
but i did feel that way,
& i never wish that upon anyone
(it crushes your soul, just a little bit each time you think of it).

& i most definitely have never been in the situation
where someone would feel like that
after the words i had said
or not said.