I went swimming last night.

Every stroke feel like your hands around my waist,

My body remembering you,

Remembering the summer we spent floating away every day,

Remembering the amusement park where we ran to the carousel

Just to realize

It is closed.

The cyclone made me sick with love as your hands interlaced with mine.

When I raised up on the detonator looking at you I felt safe.

Like I was in your arms.

I am in your arms

Your old house

Everything smells like you.

Fireworks are going off; I swear for a second I thought it was my heart

Beating with yours.

I smell your breath

I am kissing you.

Outside the movies

And I realize

I am in love

I go home and cry

Because I know this feeling isn't going to leave

And I got scared

Scared

In my room

Crying

Calling you to say
"I'm sorry"

Taking 20 pills before the call

Planning on 20 more after

"I'm sorry"

(Next day)

You're holding me

Guiding me

My tongue so badly cotton-mouthed

But I still utter

“I love you”.

Then in our memories

Fighting

Yelling

I have forgotten how to breathe

I'm shaking

My mind takes what you said

Twists it

Multiplies it

I believe I am no good

I am no good

I believe I can't escape

I can't escape

Now I am here

In class

Thinking

Of

You

Because the board shadowed a place you use to sit

Because my nails are as chewed up as they were the first time you grabbed my hand

Because I still am carved up inside my stomach
For when I was trying to build a home there for you.

And

I lied.

Yes,

Everything

Does

Remind

Me

Of

you.

It always has.