It took months for me to merely acknowledge the downwards spiral
To identify the source of my destruction
Was the night you took my sadness and tears
as some kind of seduction

And now, with hindsight being 20/20
I see the unhealthy, victim that you made me

I binged on addictions in order to halt thoughts from rising to reality
Numbed my mind, emotions, and morals
Convinced myself that my actions were out of strength,
self knowledge and discovery….

But they were not

Unhealthy habits spiralled into self blame
Attempts to cope with a loss of self worth I could not explain

Masking pain with parties and loneliness with lovers
Spending nights weeping into someone else’s covers

Weeks of weeping, wailing and wallowing
Unable to utter why
It was that hazey nightmare I was swallowing
And all I could do, was cry

I remember your gaze
Filled with trust and a harmful hint of lust
I remember your hands gripped on my hips
But I don’t remember any sort of kiss
on my tear soaked lips

Too detached to put up any sort of fight
I lived a nightmare that i will never forget
Eyes stalking and my conscious mind taking flight
Then My body bent on the couch, dripped in sweat

I awoke, uncomfortable on that cheap little couch
And arose to join you sound asleep in your bed
But as I did so, you awoke to reach out
Commanding me to “Stay down there” as you shoved my head

I left that moment
Like a rejected creature not even worth your company
You felt shame and disgrace at my presence
And I became empty in my essence

Pain encompassed my being and made me mute
Until after months I  realized my self-destructive tendencies
Had a root

I know they say that time heals all wounds
but they fail to mention how or when your life will resume
It is a promise for an ending that you so badly want to believe
For a life beyond the past for which you grieve

I realize now that time isn’t some gracious healer; patient and kind
It doesn’t give a **** about the tears shed, innocence lost or souls left behind
Time keeps passing, that is all we can say fo sure
And in that simple truth, I found my cure

After months of wasting away in my own mind
I spoke my truth to a friend and was released from denial’s bind
For so long I fought my reality for the fear that it made me weak
But acceptance of my truth brought nothing but relief