i've been afraid for awhile,
the kind of afraid that's kept
me inside on most weekends,
but disguised itself as my
average mental illnesses and an
obsession for the current body
resting beside me as i sleep

it wasn't until the election that
i got bold, going to the women's
march by myself, and silently
judging the lesbians beside me
as they sat on their privilege and
critiqued trump and posters -
i never thought about their fear,
the potential loss of the wedding
certificate that went along with
the rings on their respective fingers

i had always stood up for injustice
and wondered how far i could
push it with educating my students,
but when my teachers forgot the
true meaning of february, i jumped in,
i educated and asked questions and
urged my white students to realize
that they were the minority in our
afterschool program, and to open
their ears and eyes to their peers

i confronted strangers in public
places, made eye contact and
smiled at everyone i walked by,
listened earnestly to my friends
of color, hugged my lgbtq pals
harder than ever and repeated
again and again that love is love
is love is love is love is love

i took care of myself, better
than i ever had, because i knew
it was important, i did yoga 5
times a week, went hiking, ate
well for the first time in years,
i didn't sleep much, but i felt okay,
because i was doing something

this weekend i sat in my transgender
friend's home and talked about
my fear, i felt like i wanted to crawl
out of my skin as i said it because
her life is in danger, not her livelihood-
her life- and though i may translate
this into some noble act of wanting
to save all of the children who need
love most in the world, the truth is,
i love my job and i love to serve others,
and i'm not sure i have meaning without it

my fear, it feels transparent, and i'm still
trying to find the space to hear the
validations from people who haven't
yet been confronted by the ****'s knocking
at their door, but rest assured, they
will come, and if you're lucky enough to
be a part of the 1% i hope that the
cries of hungry children, the ringing of
bullets ripping into black bodies, the
screams of transgender people being
murdered, the howls of mexican families
being torn apart limb by limb, the
images of wet syrian toddlers washing
up on the shores of greece will haunt you
endlessly as you sit on your filthy money
and do all of the personal trainer yoga
you can to find what will never come - peace