how do i put into words
that the weight of want crushes me

that i had you and now i don't,
and there are so many others
that have laid in my arms,
but i remain a clam shell
refusing to open up into
the lotus i'm destined to become

i lay at night and think of
you, lightly brushing my skin,
the deep release we both felt
in the moment we allowed ourselves
to dip back into the same spot
of the universe, that moment
of presence within and without each other

i lay there and i tell myself it means
absolutely nothing, that you are
there and i am here, and that it will
always remain that way even when
you're standing nose to nose with me

i lay there and love you and am sure
to stay silent because i can't bare to
break into the unknown and possibly
sink further into this sadness that i've
worn draped around my shoulders
for more moons than i'd like to admit

i am crushed by a loss i haven't experienced
yet, but i mourn just the same