I can never just cry, or talk it out like a normal person.
I have to be just fine, keep smiling make sure everyone's all right.
I bottle it up, stuff it down, bite my tongue.
This doesn't make me bitter, or make me sad, I just ignore it all, because others need me more than I need myself. I have to be there for them, it isn't their fault I do this to myself.
I isn't subtle, it isn't a steady increase of pressure, not something I can schedule for later.
It is sudden, and loud, and messy and horrid. A breakdown of the conscience, a snap of judgement, a lapse in control.
No longer able to hold it all in I release piercing screams.
Doing so I am able to release the rage, the pain, the agony.
The entire time he just holds me, desperate not to let me get lost in myself he clings to me, grounding me.
I can't cry, I can't talk, I can't ignore the pain anymore.
I just can't pretend that the one I loved, the only one I will ever truly love is gone.
But he is there, my best friend, he is there to hold me while I scream.