I can never just cry, or talk it out like a normal person.
I have to be just fine, keep smiling make sure everyone's all right.
I bottle it up, stuff it down, bite my tongue.
This doesn't make me bitter, or make me sad, I just ignore it all, because others need me more than I need myself. I have to be there for them, it isn't their fault I do this to myself.
I isn't subtle, it isn't a steady increase of pressure, not something I can schedule for later.
It is sudden, and loud, and messy and horrid. A breakdown of the conscience, a snap of judgement, a lapse in control.
No longer able to hold it all in I release piercing screams.
Doing so I am able to release the rage, the pain, the agony.
The entire time he just holds me, desperate not to let me get lost in myself he clings to me, grounding me.
I can't cry, I can't talk, I can't ignore the pain anymore.
I just can't pretend that the one I loved, the only one I will ever truly love is gone.
But he is there, my best friend, he is there to hold me while I scream.

Let me walk in the valley of the light and the forest of dreams.
Let me wake from this never ending nightmare.
Had I not walked this path I would have missed the garden that lined my way.
I pray do not weep, or drink, or intoxicate the pain. Let it move you, let it teach you.
Without the pain of life I would have never lived at all.
Without the pain of loss one can never know the joy of life.
Old sins cast long shadows and mine were a laugh to dance with.
The stars in my eyes and the fire in my heart never have I been more alive than in the arms of death.
My grace shall be eternal, and my memory shall live in you all who have held the broken pieces of my heart.
I wait for the day that I meet you all once more in my valley, in my forest where we shall sit and talk of all I have missed.

I lay quietly beside you, covers drawn breathing slow.
I watch your chest rise and fall with the steady rhythm of sleep.
I listen to each breath, arm wrapped around you I feel each heart beat.
I take comfort in all of these little things, they tell me you are still here.
You are still alive right beside me.
With this comfort I let the sounds of you and the night lull me to sleep, but right before I drift into the black I hear something else.
A softly whispered,
*"I love you."

Time is not real, there is only the belief of time. There is a before and an after, but in reality neither of the previous exist. Tomorrow is the day that never comes, and yesterday is but a memory. Today, right now in the very moment that you live and breathe, that...
That is absolution.

Quite disenchanting, writing about what is really happening.
A throbbing head, a sore back, aching muscles and tired eyes only emphasize the calling of my soft warm bed willing me to take shelter in sleep. No I mustn't or the thoughts will slip away, escape my ever flailing grasp. As if I had enough trouble catching them it seems as soon as I touch one it begins to fade and crumble in my clutch. The beauty of my words diminishes with each second I am not writing. I do not deprave myself of sleep because I want to write. I simply listen to that which calls the loudest.

I watch the light dance on my skin.
Flames leap and twist before me.
Heat curls soft around me keeping me safe and warm.
Light chases the darkness and noise fills the silence.

I feel the hunger return,
It wants to consume me.
I tell myself I am not an animal,
I am not the mindless beast my family made me.
I feel the blood lust  rise as the voices fade in,
They tell me to do such awful wonderful things.
I am not an animal.
I am a human being.
I don't know which is worse.