When the burning leaves of autumn
Begin to fall, I can't help but wonder if
We will be keeping each other
Warm, because this season
Is always more comfortable when spending it
With your coffee mugs and record player
Because the weather is getting too
Cold to love alone, and you
Are my perfect company

I'm reading a book about
Eating disorders, and all I can think about
Is the hospital with the light blue walls
And the tiredness you feel after
Hours of crying and sobbing, followed by
More crying
I think about the young nurse grabbing my arm
And pulling me out of the bathroom to weigh me
And before I step up, she gives me an option
To stand looking towards her, making it so
I can't see the scale,
An option I gladly take
But when I get off the scale,
She mutters my number anyways
As she scribbles down notes on the yellow paper
That has my name written at the top, sending me
Running back to the light blue bathroom
Crying

I don't think
That feeling of tiredness caused by
Crying in front of the mirror
Has ever left, I think that feeling is here
To stay

I stare at the fight in the living room
Between my mother and me
From a distance,
Out of my body, I am disconnected because
She accuses me of harvesting
"Mental problems" while I drunkenly slur
Every self loathing thought I've lived with during
My short life, wishing it would end
And she screams "You have no idea what could have
Happened to you tonight, you're lucky no one
Took advantage of you"
Everything stops and I'm back in my body,
Looking at the fight from my point of view,
Her scowling face waiting for an answer,
"You're wrong."
Because I know that risk all too well
And she has no
Idea

My mom was physically and sexually abused for
Eight years of her childhood
His name was Richie, the boyfriend of her
Mother, she kept him in the
Picture for eight whole years
And let her three young daughters have their
Childhood stolen for a man with
Too many belts

My mom was six when he entered the "family"
And fourteen when she left with a plan,
Never to talk to her mother again, but
Today my mother told me why we always
Visited Grandma when she became sick,
She told me
God made us to be forgiving, so she turned her
Hate into sorrow and
Belt marks into
Scrabble games around the dinner table

Every night we say a prayer
Hoping Grandma is in a better place, but
Tonight I can't help but stutter over
The words I barely mean because
God made us to be forgiving
But eight years is a long time
Lost

I met a girl when I was drunk
We sat on a couch, closer than strangers might
Usually sit because our legs brushed whenever we
Moved, and
With all the people rushing past I couldn't help
But think how romantic it was,
Just getting acquainted
With the background noise of a small house party
Because our conversation was innocent and
She acted differently than all the other
Drunk girls

I noticed her smile was shy but her conversation
Was intense; her eyes lit up when she talked
And the way she looked at me
When I told my story, let me know she was
Really listening, and I think that says a lot
About the girl I met on a couch
When we were both
Drunk