the most painful feeling I've felt
nostalgia
an elusive, complex, memory
a connection to who I once was
a recollection of memories, weighing me down
a source of comfort in the present that somehow seems to leave me a little bit emptier inside

how does one escape the ceaseless grip of reminiscing about "what once was," entangled in a web of words and memories? how does one break free from dwelling on the immutable, unable to alter who i once was? amidst the passage of fleeting years, akin to a rapid flutter

elusive, unpredictable, selfish

self-less, clear, calculable

what once was, is
the past is rigid, immutable, ineradicable
fixate on what is in front of you

i stand on the side with the majority
a life i never thought i'd live
i don't see the sky the same way i did when i was seventeen
the way the sun hits the buildings isn't ever as beautiful as the way i remembered it to be
shutter speed and rooftops
two which should've never been forgotten.
the past slipped a way, along with who i once was
and now i stand here with the rest of them
viewing the sky the same way as those stuck in the maze.
but within this shared vision, i'll find my own way
and maybe amidst the struggles
i'll find myself seeing the sky a different way

the memory of youth feels like home to me.
sleepless nights spent reminiscing of the past.
the part of me I was always frightened to loose.
and here i am at twenty-one.
a girl i never would have thought i'd become.
lost her passion and her love.
but maybe that's what growing up is all about, right?
or maybe that's because I gave my love and passion to someone else,
leaving me in a void characterized
by the loss of who i once was.

Liquor and cigarettes stained our breath,
The night was foggy
But i remember your hand touched upon my skin,
my vision blurred
and mind swarming with thoughts I don’t remember
What happened that night has made me think differently of you
You were suppose to be my best friend, but you thought of me as something more,
For some reason I still remain friends with you,
But your apathy is making me distance myself.
I wish things were different between us,
the same as they were last summer.
But the night of December 31st changed everything, and I guess I saw who you truly were.

Lured me in with your charm
And placed a spell on my soul with your words
Lost in a trance called love
Necromancer, you killed my mind
And slit my heart

I hope these memories are stained in their mind.
The moments we once thought were nothing special
But now yearn to relive.
The moon shining on our bodies as we danced slowly below it,
Hearing the echoes of our voices singing out of tune,
to songs we loved as we stood in the darkness.
The cool breeze slithering over our skin,
as our heads layed on the pavement and our eyes focused on the stars above us.
Drifting between trees in the twilight, our laughter and whispers being the soundtrack to the night.
These moments of youth meant nothing at the time,
But these moments of youth spent with friends I loved
Made me feel alive.
Thank you